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2004 15 July :: 1.07 am
:: Music: Dieselboy - Human
I'm back in WEST BOCA! I love the feeling of home and house to myself.
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2004 2 July :: 10.38 pm
Summeroak St.
To never see her again. The girl of his dreams goes back to Brazil to start a new life, to avoid the turmoil and misdirection she's gone through the brief years she's spent here. He thinks to himself, one day he'll meet her again unable to accept the fact that these moments were fleeting, he hopes he'll never forget, all the fireworks and walks they shared during that one lonely summer. Every knock on his door is a wish that it's her return, it's a false hope and he realizes this, realizes permanence.
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2004 21 June :: 4.20 am
:: Music: dixie chicks - landslide
My heart has been broken a hundred different ways. Is there anyone who can help put it back together?
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2004 17 June :: 12.47 pm
I live in Orlando now, but I'm refraining from changing the name of this journal to "From the mean streets of OTOWN!" because I think "From the mean streets of WEST BOCA!" has a better ring to it. I'm building a new journal site anyhow, stay tuned.
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2004 17 June :: 12.33 pm
The Gemini War.
He's continually looking into her eyes,as she goes on to explain that blonde is her natural hair color, and asks does he like it long? short? emo? punk?. Don't lose eye contact with her he thinks to himself, because to him this is a staring game and he wants to overtake her with one fall swoop. He tells her, "I feel like nothing around you, you have complete control over me, you know that?" They're two manic-depressives battling for ground, all he thinks is war war war all of the time, even moments like these are strategically planned operations to conquer the vastly superior enemy. This time Ruby isn't around she says in a softer voice as she inches towards his frontline, his defenses breached at the moment, but he tries to fend off her assault by instigating conversation about two Italian restaurants across town and how they never crossed paths or how she never showed up to his parties when she thought she'd be there but was always there when he'd least expect it and his rambling is but a steady barrage, at an increasing rate of fire, but now his position is severly compromised. Hands make their way onto waists and now there is no retreat. His belt is undone. He counters by using his thumbs to get her jeans button undone. And now it is hand-to-hand combat in the middle of this battlefield as his hands make their way from waist to upper thighs, and the story ends here but know that it was a quick incursion as they had left the door slightly ajar.
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2004 17 June :: 12.31 pm
"I should get that memory drink to keep me from forgetting things... damn what's it called!?"
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2004 17 June :: 12.10 pm
Darwinism as applied to atypical thought patterns.
I spent a good hour or so going through multiple emails from friends in which they were debating politics and rights and wars and freedoms of our country and it made me realize this: we have too much time on our hands if we can debate politics with novelistic lengthy email exchanges. This is not a democracy, at best it is a semi-socialist dictatorial oligarchy masquerading atop a vast capitalist empire of an archetypal conglomeracy which imprints on our brains a consumeristic attitude and an illusion of choice. We have the right to vote, but that's like throwing pennies into ponds trying to create tidal waves. I'll keep my opinions of America to myself and worry about my own two feet and square feet and the surrounded miles around me. We have too much time on our hands to be arguing about politics when we can be spending time with our loved ones. We should try to understand them instead of trying to understand the meddlings and affairs of political figures. I think life should be spent trying to understand life and not the decisions of our leaders, we should focus on evolving mankind and progressing as a whole, selectively weeding out anything that gets in the way of evolution. Technology and science will pave the way. Wars and killings and abortions will filter out inhumane humans and after the attrition only the "braniacs" will be left. As they say, only the strong survive. I'm sure the fires will wipe out those scrutinzing and criticizing each other.
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2004 17 June :: 12.41 am
Week one.
They say that the old must be demolished to make way for the new but I'm not getting any older (same face same face). And so I paved paradise to put up these new concrete walls, and from a third story window I look north from the heart of city illuminated for everything around except me.
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2004 8 June :: 1.40 pm
:: Music: guns n roses - live and let die
Memoirs of a Manic-Depressive Pt. (uh, I forget)
Me and Joe would joke around with each other and he would say
"You got the gun up to your head yet? I know I do."
Being bipolar fucking sucks, if it were a growth on my body I'd take a knife and cut it out, it's like having an ailment that you have to be careful not to provoke, or holding onto a bomb and being careful not to set it off. I remember listening to this song back in 7th grade, on the bus as we headed to John Pennekamp park in the keys, tending to a broken heart over Valerie, a girl who I had an insane crush on back then. What I didn't realize at the time was that I actually broke her heart, and it made me think about how many hearts I've carved out obliviously and which nasty brush-offs and dirty looks from girls were actual desperate pleas for attention. I was flipping through photos and I guess I lost that picture of me and Valerie on the boat, she was wearing a bikini and yeah we were 12 but damn she was so frickin' hot.
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2004 8 June :: 11.42 am
Strength Beyond Strength.
I'll take a few bricks to the head and I still won't beg for mercy.
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2004 8 June :: 11.15 am
:: Music: guns n roses - patience
The Double Negative Sobriety Test.
A few months ago I walked into a bar alone and ordered a few tall ones in a desperate attempt to silence the entire world. That night would be my last night of giving in, that night I said fuck it, I don't care, I'm staying sober. And if it wasn't for you, then it was for me, I guess now you want someone who was almost like me, maybe you're becoming almost like me while I become something you were and wanted... But fuck it, you know what I want? Someone who is addicted to me, and addicted to agony, who will squeeze my hand when a line is placed before them and give me that look of should I do it? should I do it? will you do it with me? I don't let these things get in the way of my life anymore, in fact I want someone who will do for me what I'm doing for you, because what good is love without the promise of hope?
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2004 7 June :: 9.18 pm
The Juliet-Mark | Jean Grey-Logan | Rosa-Kain | Ruby-Dicen Complex.
"I'm just sitting here with my boyfriend."
She says I should take her to prom because we can pass for teenagers, you know I'd get full sleeves just because you think it's mad sexy. She says call next time before I come over, but I tell her I love sneaking up on her.
(I'm a sucker for that just-got-out-bed look)
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2004 5 June :: 12.08 pm
My children's names, if I ever have them.
Boy - Tobias Rafael Cabezas
Boy - Azrael Cipher Cabezas
Girl - Alexis Marie Cabezas
Girl - Lucianna Fernanda Cabezas
Now to find a wife who thinks these names are cool.
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2004 4 June :: 7.43 pm
The Futon Decision.
"Well I have a pretty big back seat."
"You shouldn't be telling me that."
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2004 3 June :: 11.33 pm
The 11 Hearts Construction Paper Cut-outs.
1. Sgt. Sudia standing with me as I was terminated.
2. Sgt. Geraghty as I shake his hand and say "Thank you for everything."
3. Oliver's instillment of hope.
4. Covering for Jared, his wife had their baby one month early.
5. Reuniting with the Italian Crew.
6. Kevin's appreciation, for helping him get laid.
7. Keeping in touch with the other two Dans.
8. Linder, likewise.
9. Me and Danny realizing that we cannot lose the band.
10. Luliya's smile.
11. The absence of Ruby, her handiwork, only in picture.
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