I look out my window at the pond and see all kinds of people out there. There are some playing out in the grass, there are others walking along side the banks, and there are couples sitting on blankets watching the sun set. As I watch them sitting at my computer I want to be able to join them. I want to be able to go down, meet my friends and have a good time for a change. I want to go down and be with Mat, just be with him without having to worry about a time limit or when I'll have to return to school. I don't want to be cooped up in my room anymore.

I had a terrible dream this morning that Mat had died. I got to see him one last time in the dream, and then he told me to move on. Then I woke up. I started crying, and I couldn't stop. I was crying so hard I started to hyperventilate. I tried to calm down, but I couldn't. I kept thinking about the dream. Eventually though I was able to calm down enough to try and call Mat. He didn't answer, so I started to hyperventilate again. I either passed out or calmed down again and feel asleep.

2 i love you... | for forever and today