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2003 6 May :: 2.46pm
:: Mood: blank
:: Music: ah thats a good idea
so i went to school
i gave lou 45 dollors today to buy that stuff cuz i felt soo badly then he put it back in my bag so i gave it to galler later on.
so today i got a ride home from one of joani and hollys friends so nice of him to drop me off instead of bring me to hollys with them
james bashed my head like 3 times into a machine and it kinda hurts still i really mean it to
hes geting a little to touchy like it hurts. he chokes me or something and it hurts more then he thinks
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2003 4 May :: 9.34pm
:: Mood: sick
:: Music: mad caddies
wow i got some nice friends
alright soo today i woke up with a big head ache. my parents yelled at me and said i was geting hair tested and if i dont pass i get send away. i told lou and i said something about shampoo that washes it out and he said him and galler are guna get me it,....wow hes a really good friend i love lou ... thats more then kris ever did for me haha
so went to my moms friends ate dinner and played lax for mad long then ate more...yea that was my sad day
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2003 4 May :: 1.33am
:: Mood: cold
another valley streamer night
so i went to valley streams and at 1st ally wasnt there so i called lou and we talked for a little tthen he had to go so iwent on allys computer unill we found her. she was at jons work sooo they droped me off there. i got to hear about ally tim and his girllys shrroomy day it was funny then we sat in the car and waited for jon and lou callled me back and ally hung up on him i felt bad i wanted to call him back but i was scared cuz it was like 10 and i didint wanna get his mommy mad...i hope he isnt mad at me...
so then jon got off and we went to his house he ate his shroom and then we went to the diner. jon felt it after a while of being there and ally said something about someone lady we saw lookin like donnys mom and he spit pickles all over and laughted alot it was funny then it was just funny to watch him then i went home
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2003 3 May :: 4.20pm
haha so
i watched my friend chris's thing on tv last night it was soo the stupidest thing ive ever seen in my life its called "crunch tv" or something you peoople should watch and see how dumb it really is cuz it really is soo silly.
12.30 on friday nights on 20
i wonder what ally will say about my nose i dont want her to think im copying her haha cuz ireaally forgot she had it till i got it oh well
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2003 2 May :: 11.39pm
:: Mood: amused
:: Music: none
So it was a kris free friday for the first time
So lets start out with when i walked into town to meet fingers and galler. i saw this kid i used to know back in the day on the walk up there. talked till i saw matt and matt. so we walked into town. went to my place of work. there was like bingo or something. saw some kids i take care of. Meg and Ellie. Cute little bugers. So galller got this free sandwitch and then we took him home and me and matt went to the "movie" but shh we really went to boreders. oh yes i went there. me who was so anit-boreders. but its kinda nice. it was a nice change from kris's basement .
as we where driving up there i started thinking about kris like walbums i thought about how we searched for jon alot and how nothing it going to be the same with out him not matter what even if i get happy and i live my life fine and normal there will still be that little something or someone who isnt there to be with me you know... and today everthing me galler and matt passed i go ah me and kris did this or this or this there. it makes me sad. but there all good memoires. for the most part.
Jill and dave got into a little fight. dave is so mean to girls he needed it and that kid alex scared him so good and jill burnt him...good girl.. he needs to learn to treat girls nice. so then matt drove me home and lent me sid and nacy. ill watch it tommorow cuz tonight i gotta watch Chris's thing on chanel 20 at 12 30 i alway forget and tonight i wont. last week i was in maine and the one before i was in depression
oh yea russ said kris shot up coke once. i was very mad and upset. i mean i still love the kid but i cant help but be mad as much as i miss him it was total rong of him to do that and nnot to tell me and really Who shoots up cocaine?
So i love kris alot and really miss him
i love how dave harolde goes hows your boyfriend and i say gone and he says i know haha it was funny everyone knows yet they ask and he wasnt the only one someone else did it also. silly kids those kris haters or lovers i cant really tell
i think im the only true fan of kris. ah well sadly i see why i am because he can be a total dick even to me but i love it and i love him for some starange unknown reason?
but im not sure if not knowing is good or not
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2003 1 May :: 6.25pm
:: Mood: depressed
:: Music: Sublime
And so it starts....
So ive been geting my self back together as some people may or may not have noticed lately. But then his mom called and it alll hit me again. I just realize that he isnt coming back and my hopes where to high. His mom telling my mom also didnt make anything any better what so ever. Now i just have that little extra thing to push me off the edge. When my mom used to get like this id have Kris. To talk to me, and tell me even if my mom hated me he didnt. Make me feel a little better. I just dont have anyone to make me feel good about my self. I really miss kris and with this friday coming up im more depressed then ever. I mean ive spented every single friday with or at least talking on the phone with kris for the past like 10months maybe more. And now i dont have Kris, with that it will be my first "clean" friday.
So its 2weeks today since ive seen him, it makes me realize. So much can happen in a week or 2. i really miss kris. i reallly cant explain how i feel. i guess i really do love kris. i just cant wait till be gets back i want the yeat to go fast. i miss him llike so much more then i can even explain.
i justt wanna tell him i love him and miss him and id tell that much more better
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2003 29 April :: 8.12pm
how the helll ..
kris' mom called my house and told my mom like everything
just when i feel better
but they dont think i did it just him and russ, i dont get it just when i say illl stop shit like this happpens
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2003 28 April :: 9.06pm
:: Mood: devious
:: Music: i am talkin to the moot
sooo i went to maine
alright so thruday i went to maine to see my sister. it was nice there, i got new belly rings and my nose pierced there really isnt much to tell
amys friend made fun of how i eat bread. and he makes pretty masks. hes really goood.
today i went to school gave lou my bra and died my hair
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2003 23 April :: 5.27pm
:: Mood: in huge pain.
lookin back was it worth it.?
so this week has been good for the most part i would guess. i went to valley streams monday. jon and ally came went to chillis ally talked about jons firey asshole. so after that went to grandmas for like an hour or 2 then back to valley steams. soo as you all kknow i said i stoped but that place is ya know where it all started too i did it but mistake? i was just smeellling it!...ekk so did that up went way down and then home to allys and shit oh and tim and some chick where there also. then the next day we bought 99apples i didnt really drink i just smoked a little that was on okay day also oh yea me and ally went to see holes hahah it was silly ally wanted to see it so we went it wasnt bad,..... then today i was there till like 3 and we got woken up to jon with 2grams that he got from his dad who as they tell me deals it. so went to tims did that up got a little down still kinda am sucks doesnt it? went to wealer tim drank it was funny hes a funny drunk kid
gave away 8ball braslit kinda trying to be like i quit so i gave tim it and got this weird brown one with a pink thing...so is this the end for me? ah we will see wont we.
and now im home with no one to tell about my nice brake from depresstion and no kris to tell which makes me feel worse then i hvae this hole time sadly as i was there i thought id come home and he be here but that was only a dream im oh so dumbn
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2003 21 April :: 1.36am
:: Mood: crushed
WOo sometimes its amazing how right these things are.
Your Heart is Blue
What Color is Your Heart?
brought to you by Quizilla
Iloveyoukris
Imissyoukris
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2003 21 April :: 12.41am
:: Mood: sad
:: Music: ek
missin kris
so i talked to peter before for a little. it kinda makes me sad. its like i wish this where kris. this sucks, he says kris will probaly get out sooner. and will get rights and shit i hope so cuz this depression thing will probaly get old.
BUT i now came up with this after days of thinking about it
~no matter how much i miss and love and want to be with kris i cant be selfish, he needs this. i need this. we need this. and even though this is the worst way to learn the lesson that we should quit and should have a long time ago. the lesson now shall be learned but the hardest way.
a year. its long.
im praying he gets out earlyer.
i really hope he misses me also,
i feel like he doesnt love me
and miss me
and is fine
and will meet a girl and forget me
and ill lose him
and ill be sad
cuz ill lose the only person that ive went out with that i really liked for real no one else i reallly did everyone else was like on and off and never really liked them...
haha sorry but its true
i L o v e kris. not like a little middle school thing. i truly think im in love. and we have a futhor and kill me if u dissagree. i really feel the hole order with me and kris was perfect. maybe not this one thing. but now thats over and done and ok
like when we 1st kissed. i thought it was wierd how it happen
these other girls where guna sneek out but got caught so me and kris where alone
then it happen
and you know whats really wierd? in a way coke brought us to going out
cuz one night me kris and matt all went out.
i made kris do it
we really talked and he asked me out.
before that he was guna but shit happen so this kinda made him go for it in a way
haha dont read this. i blubber on and on cuz im bored and deprressed and i love him
miss ya kris_
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2003 20 April :: 9.23pm
i thought i was ok.
i thought i was doin better all day iwas ok. but i just sat down and had to hold back my tears cuz my moms friends are alll over the place
imight go to vally streams
i dont think it will help much
i miss him so much,
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2003 20 April :: 1.12pm
:: Mood: depressed
:: Music: none
well ifs 4-20 and i dont care
soo Sabrina left a comment here and it really did make me feel better
i just needed to hear it from someone who has had this happen to them also in a way
thanks
soo james got me playin dumb zelda to get my mind off it
to bad i need to get his help ever 2 secs
james played some song that just made think of him haha silly james.(korky)
today is rios birthday/easter/4-20 and i really dont care
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2003 19 April :: 8.39pm
:: Mood: lonely
i really cant stop.
i have nothing else to do but right here
i ffeel lonely.
i think about him. and i cry. i want him to be here to talk to me. to make me laught. i want to have someone to hug and kiss. i want to have someone to say i love you to and to say it to me. i never in my life felt like this.
i gues i really am in love with kris
i guess it took him leavin to see how strongly i really felt about hiim
i knew i loved him but now i knwo that hes the only guy i ever wanna be with
and if u think this is shit and want me to shut up stoping reading my journal cuz its probaly gunna be all about this for the next year
i love kris.
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2003 19 April :: 8.20pm
:: Mood: depressed
:: Music: none.
im still sad..
i woke up at like 12 40.
called galler he makes me feel a little better.
cryed some what.
talked to amy.
im soo depressed
so i sat home today and i ate for the 1st time but alot but i ate a little.
i miss this kid soo much
i talked to james and sat in my basement as he tought be how to play Zelda.
colored easter eggs. thats it
i cant stop thinkin about this kid. hes gotta come back im dying here. i just dont like not havin him around
i love him
i miss him
i want him home
i cant take this
i hurt so much
someone kill me...
im soo upset.
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