No one can Know

friends | profile | guestbook

No one can Know

leave a comment

:: 2004 2 May :: 2.37 pm

i have a boyfriend

1 comment | leave a comment

:: 2004 27 April :: 9.43 pm

awwe man
i have a crush on a freshy again
dammit
lol

5 comments | leave a comment

:: 2004 12 April :: 8.46 pm

i dont know why but for some reason it hit me harder today. i went shopping with him. unsure of what i wanted to get for my waterfall thing.

me "i dont know what i want"
him"i know what you want"
" (sarcausm)me" (he knows that i do)
me "there is only one thing i know i want, you.........but the only thing i really want i can't have"

i dont know if he heard the last part

leave a comment

:: 2004 28 March :: 5.19 pm

then why do i love you...................
it only starts when i stop to think about you

i have come to the point where i dont even know what to write anymore..............

leave a comment

:: 2004 12 March :: 2.47 pm

its just too late.....
i cant go back.....
i'm sorry........
i can't be........
perFecT..........

leave a comment

:: 2004 28 February :: 12.45 pm

...............................................
...............................................
...............................................
...............................................
...............................................
...............................................
...............................................
...............................................
...............................................
...............................................
...............................................
...............................................
...............................................
...............................................
...............................................
...............................................
...............................................
...............................................
...............................................
...............................................
...............................................
...............................................
...............................................
...............................................
...............................................
...............................................
...............................................
...............................................
...............................................
...............................................
...............................................
...............................................
...............................................
...............................................
...............................................
...............................................
...............................................
...............................................
...............................................
...............................................
...............................................
...............................................
...............................................
...............................................
...............................................
...............................................
...............................................
...............................................
...............................................
...............................................
...............................................
...............................................
...............................................
...............................................
...............................................
...............................................
...............................................
...............................................
...............................................
...............................................
...............................................
...............................................
...............................................
...............................................
...............................................
...............................................
...............................................
...............................................
...............................................
...............................................
...............................................
...............................................
...............................................
...............................................
...............................................
...............................................
...............................................
...............................................
...............................................
...............................................

2 comments | leave a comment

:: 2004 21 February :: 9.13 pm

i there is nothing more i can do. even witha stoic face the tears still fall. i will become stronger. it's more pain than anyone should ever feel. but i guess its what i deserve

leave a comment

:: 2004 1 February :: 11.58 am

if only these tears.....
if only this pain.....
could be washed away
like a shower washes away dirt

leave a comment

:: 2004 30 January :: 9.59 pm

once again i have stumbled up to a obsticle in life. some have been large some have been small. i dont think this is the biggest but it is definallty one of the hardest. i really miss him so much. i am about to cry just thinking about it. thats how bad it hurts. then again ten times worse than you can imagine. i am going to do something he asked me to do, i dont want to but then again i do. i am going to because i love him and i know if our places were switched, that he would do the same for me. some day these barriers wont be so hard, not nessacaryly dealing with him, but life in general, because he is always in my heart, he has become that little voice inside my head agrueing if my judgement is correct, as much as i try to block him out he is always there, in a way that is okay, because i would be far off worse if he wasn't. he may not always think the world of himself. but he has always meant/been more than the world to me. i love him, plain and simple.

5 comments | leave a comment

:: 2004 29 January :: 6.57 pm

it shouldn't
it shouldn't bug me....
but it does
it shouldn't hurt me...
but it does
it shouldn't bother me in anyway...
but it does

i could never give up, but i try to block out. its hard when your family asks about him everyday. its hard when you look out the window to escape the classroom for a moment and you see him and his girlfriend going out to lunch. its hard when there isn't anywhere you could go to escape him. when i go shopping for clothes, i wonder what he will think of them. when i buy a dress for a dance he wont be at i wonder if he would think i was beautiful. when i get ready in the moring, i wonder if this would be the day where i would be good enough for him. then again i dont know if anyone is good enough that would be lucky enough to deserve him no matter where i am he is there somehow. i see him when i look at me, when i look at anything. i can't escape him when i close my eyes because he is there.

it shouldn't haunt me.......
but it does
and there is nothing i can do
to escape this
i rent movies to try
but the last time i did...
the guy that sang our song was in it
maybe i'm just crazy
maybe i just deserve this

it shouldn't scare me....
but it does

to the realization of not wanting to be alone.

as long as he is happy......
even if its without me
then i shade fade
however complelty
as i said, i could never give up
only attempt to block him out...

leave a comment

:: 2004 12 January :: 3.24 pm

and it just seems to get better NOT!
i made the musical, so did he, but so did his girl friend, and she is in the group i work with. i have no problem with her, i never did, but it just kills me inside, knowing she is his. i miss him so much, and i love him even more.

leave a comment

:: 2004 11 January :: 8.17 pm

do you know how hard it is?
it hurts so bad that it chills me to my broken heart. do you know how hard it is? when your family asks how he is doing or what he is doing. do you know how hard it is? when you are trying to get a hold of him to tell him that you dont need a ride the next day and you cant so you ask him mom to tell him for you, and right when you hang up your sister says that he's probably at a girls house, the sadest and hardest thing about that is that it is most likely true. do you know how hard it is? when there is no room in your house you can go to that he hasn't been in. do you know how hard it is? to drive past a place where you first met. do you know how hard it is? when people call you, at your house and ask for him. do you know how hard it is? when people ask if you can send them pics of him (the person that asked for them was in the pic too) it kills me every fucking day. and you know what? theres one thing that hasn't changed, do you know how hard it is? knowing you still love him, knowing you are still in love with him. do you know how hard it is, that in about a month you will be going to place where the both of you got a so called "promise" ring. or at least it was at the time. IT IS REALLY HARD! it tears me up inside. when i first started falling for him, i told a friend that it was like i had butterflies in my stomach, now its like those butterflies have razor blades as wings. after all that pain i still love him and always will. i try to old my head up, choak back the tears, take a deep breath, and keep going. its kinda funny, when i think about with college i want to go to, the first thing in my mind is how far will i be away from him, or how easily could i get back. well thats my venting for now...
bye

4 comments | leave a comment

:: 2003 30 December :: 12.39 am

its about that time of year again. he it wasn't for him about two years ago, i know i wouldn't be here today. i know he reads this, he tells me he does. he doens't always think much of himself, but he means the world to me. i had been going through a tough time in eight grade, i was dianosed with depression. i started taking medicne and going to a phyicatris (i know i can't spell). but it wasn't helping, it seemed i was getting worse. he was there for me, even when we first became friends i could feel something different about him, but i was still in pretty bad shape. then on new years eve, i found my knight in shinging armor. he asked me out. we went out for a little over 6 and a half months, there are some of the best memories of my life, like epcot, florida, the farms little cabin. i have definely made some stupid desicions, but he was still there. when i started seeing someone else, and that someone kinda hurt me (emotinally) he was my shoulder to cry on. i love him so much. i want him to be happy. he deserves it. i will love him always, and for the rest of my life. almost anything that is good in me is because of him. i love him, and always will.

Hero

Let me be your hero

Would you dance
If I asked you to dance?
Would you run
And never look back?
Would you cry
If you saw me crying?
And would you save my soul, tonight?

Would you tremble
If I touched your lips?
Would you laugh?
Oh please tell me this.
Now would you die
For the one you loved?
Hold me in your arms, tonight.

I can be your hero, baby.
I can kiss away the pain.
I will stand by you forever.
You can take my breath away.

Would you swear
That you'll always be mine?
Or would you lie?
would you run and hide?
Am I in too deep?
Have I lost my mind?
I don't care...
You're here tonight.

I can be your hero, baby.
I can kiss away the pain.
I will stand by you forever.
You can take my breath away.

Oh, I just want to hold you.
I just want to hold you.
Am I in too deep?
Have I lost my mind?
Well I don't care...
You're here tonight.

I can be your hero, baby.
I can kiss away the pain.
I will stand by you forever.
You can take my breath away.
I can be your hero.
I can kiss away the pain.
And I will stand by you forever.
You can take my breath away.
You can take my breath away.

I can be your hero.

leave a comment

:: 2003 18 December :: 7.44 pm

i feel so stupid. and i am not exactly sure why. i know, but then again i dont. there is a point where i have debated if i should give up on him. i could never truely do that. so this is what i guess i will do. to everyone else it would appear i have done so, but if anyone sees the way i look at him will know better. i love him, there is no doubt in my mind about that. sometimes he gets annoyed with me, sometimes i get annoyed at him, sometimes he gets mad at me, sometimes i get mad at him, but no matter what i will always love him as much as i ever have, and then more. usually i write how i am crying in silent tears, these ones aren't so quiet, but twice as painful. some pains dont go away very easily. my love for him will never disipear, because thats how much i love him.

2 comments | leave a comment