No one can Know

No one can Know

:: 2003 28 August :: 10.07 pm

well this was an interesting night. kinda crapy. kinda crapy day too. i hate these emotions. if there weren't emotions i wouldn't have these problems, then again if i didn't have emotion i wouldn't know love. kinda like the saying "men, can't live with them, cant live without him."

i dont know what to do about jeff. if i really start to fall for him i feel like i am going to get hurt. because of malliorie. he's still kinda hung on her. but i know the feeling. i just dont want to get hurt anymore. i want to be happy.

i miss him. the dance will be hell if i see him with her. when i had asked him if he wanted to go with me, and he told me that he was going to be there with his girlfriend my heart sank. it felt like my stomach was in my thoart. i had to hold back the tears. i want him to be happy, but if its because of someone else, its fine but i dont want to see it. it would kill me too much inside.

plain and simply put. "i love him, i miss him, i want him back, i love him so much. i miss being held in those arms" (i could go on but i better stop to keep it plain and simply)

*sigh
**wipes tear from face

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:: 2003 27 August :: 8.49 pm

i thought i would be excited to talk to him
but i wasn't
i haven't talked to jeff since saturday. i talked to him today. well not really just a hi how are ya on messenger. i thought i would be happy to talk to him. but i would be happier talking to someone else. i dont know. maybe i will see him tomorrow. i dont think i will be very excited. more shocked i guess.

mainly because i have had someone else on my mind. i love him. i miss him so much. just remembering the good times almost brings tears to my eyes. i want to talk to him. i want to be with him. i dont know whats wrong with me. i love him. i wish i could prove that to him. and how sorry i am. i had a dream about that the other night

"it was some type of band practice. i was talking to him near the big metal podium. something knocked into it, i pushed him out of the way i got hit by it. it took 3 guys to get it off. and i looked at him when he came near me. and told him 'i told you i meant it when i was sorry. i love you so much'""""

then i woke up

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:: 2003 25 August :: 5.29 pm

it seems to burn in up inside

emptyness in nothing

my heart shredded and stuck in my throat

why does it hurt me so much, oh yeah, i love him and miss him

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:: 2003 24 August :: 9.32 pm

i can make it without him
i know i can
but its not a matter of can but want
i miss him
when i read what his girlfriend wrote in her journal it felt like i had a big lump in my throat.

i really dout jeff and i are going to get serious. the only time i would be able to see him would be on the weekends, because of collage. and not to metion we kinda talked, well he kinda talked about why he doesn't want a serious relationship right now.

over all. i am not doing too bad. i am not sad but yet i am not happy. i guess i am ok.

.....i really miss him. not nescarryly what we did. i miss him.

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:: 2003 22 August :: 2.40 pm

finished written last night about quater to 1
lately i've been having a hard time falling asleep. too much on y mind. i guess i'ce been thinking about him alot. you'd think with his new girlfriend and all that i would be thinking about the bad times. when the fact is i have been thinking about the good. like the first time i met him, when i told him i liked him, the feeling i got when he asked me out. being together, being held in his arms at my house or at his. almost falling asleep together. the simple joy of walking hand in hand down the hallway, the i love yous, the time we spent in florida, espalling when we got that ring and watch the fireworks at epcot. or how if he didn't feel good i would make him lay down, andi would get him water or some food, and hold his hand until he felt better. or the time when we were at his house and my stomach started to hurt, he took care of me. if i cried he would wipe away my tears, and they were always tears of pain. he was always my shoulder to cry on. someone that was alwyas there when i needed someone to talk to, if i was upset i relize now that he was the reason i became happy again, when a little over 6 months before i had been diagnoesed with depression. he was my love. i will always love him, even after i close my eyes for the final time. the other day i had found a picture of him and i. it was at his mothers wedding. our faces seemed to be shining greater than the brightest star. i looked so happy. i was happy because i loved him and he loved me. i want him to be happy, even if it removes me from the picture. he knows i am always there if he ever needs me. he dersvers to be happy. because he loved the real me, the me that now many people knew. the me i am slowly becomeing once more. i love him. and always will.

:: 2003 23 July :: 12.46 pm

i am so confuesed right now
i dont know what to think
its like it doesn't phase him at all
but it has killed me
i dont even know if i want to go to the concert

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:: 2003 19 July :: 12.37 am

it started to hurt from the begining

now its 100 times worse.....scary part is,,,, i know there is worse to come

i admit it. so it hurts even more. what is it that i admit.

I am 9-14 rakastaa

hint:the word that looks funny is "finish"

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:: 2003 16 July :: 12.09 am

the thoughts in my head are driving me crazy.

theres something i dotn want to admit to

it would only hurt more

is it just me

or have i been here before

the answer

........yes

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:: 2003 13 July :: 12.30 pm
:: Music: LeAnn Rimes "Life goes on"

i hate this, i get stuff in my head and then it drives me insane. and makes me sad. i can only put on the happy act for so long. someone told me i shouldn't hepend on others for me to be happy, my question is, then what to i look to, to be happy?
i am not as strong as i thought i was.

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:: 2003 10 July :: 11.54 am
:: Mood: distraught

i know it
he knows its
both say no regrets
but why continue
when the pain will just become greater

(deals with ---m-k--

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:: 2003 2 July :: 2.02 pm

i hate this
i am consumed by the thoughts in my head
they are driving me up a wall
stupid -ar--r--
stupid ---e
stupid ---m--

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:: 2003 1 July :: 2.15 pm

lyrics
I hurt myself today,
to see if i still feel,
I focus on the pain,
the only thing thats real,

The needle tears a hole,
the old familiar sting,
try to kill it all away,
but I remember everything,

(Chorus)
what have I become,
my sweetest friend,
everyone i know,
goes away in the end,

and you could have it all,
my empire of dirt,
I will let you down,
I will make you hurt,

I wear this crown of thorns,
upon my liars chair,
full of broken thoughts,
I cannot repair,

beneath the stains of time,
the feelings dissapear,
you are someone else,
I am still right here,

What have I become,
my sweetest friend,
everyone I know,
goes away in the end,

and you could have it all,
my empire of dirt,
I will let you down,
I will make you hurt,

if I could start again,
a million miles away,
I will keep myself,
I would find a way,

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