No one can Know

No one can Know

:: 2003 2 June :: 9.32 pm

i am being consumed by so many emotions i dont even know where to start.

case 1- i met a guy, we had a great time together i really enjoyed talking to him. i have seen him once since and haven't had the chance to talk to him. although i might see him this coming saturday.

case 2- we get into fights over the dumbest things. i am usually the one running back to him. on friday we had a fight. i was sick, he called and sounded really pissy so i asked if he wanted me to let him go. he said he didn't care. a few min later we got off the phone, he was still in his pissy voice. he called back and said, "you really dont want to talk to me do you." i told him, "not when you are like that." so i hadn't talked to him since then. today we didn't talk during the 2nd hour class we had together. we didn't sit with each other at lunch. so i am just thinking, fine i dont care. during 4th hour he passed me a note. it made mad on what he had wrote. i wrote him back and then out of no where he asked me if i can drive yet. i told him i had to pick it up after school. he said that i should pick him up and we could drive somewhere. it really makes me mad when he's being an ass then expects me to just come running back to him. i didn't this time. he came running to me. i took him out to drop some stuff off at my work. he was being really cuddly, it made me happy but also kinda made me mad. so tomorrow i am picking him up before school and we are going to go eat breakfast. we aren't sure where.

case 3- this is the one i dont even know where to start. i fell in love, i was caught then dropped. i had finally almost moved on. he came back in to my life. at some moments i was falling in love again. but then he had to metion something about smoking or pot or the stuff he had done with his last girlfriend. he said he wanted to see me today. he didn't come by. he called. once more tells me about smoking pot. for any guys that read this that is a big turn off. i dont nesscarly feel like back up, but i kinda feel like a side dish.

i am so sick of my luck with guys. if i find a good guy, i mess it up. i just wish i had some answers. but the only answers would have to come from within me. somewhere deep inside. locked away in what is left my heart. any time i fall in love, pieces of my heart stays with them. broken off or given, they are there. so i feel empty inside. they only thing i think that can fill this feeling would for me to be happy. unconditnally happy. not just for a day, not just for a week. but happy. i know there are bumps in the road but i never thought they would be this bad.

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:: 2003 31 May :: 1.17 pm

i went to pick up my work schdule and on the way back at wanted to stop by and see justin. i have raided his house and his computer. thats what i am typing on right now. surpriseingly ty is actully being kinda nice. another reason i came here was to try and figure out what to do.

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:: 2003 30 May :: 9.45 pm

i dont know what to do. this just sends me into a frenzey of emotions. i have really missed him. they way he kisses me, they way he holds me. just everything, with the exception of the smoking stuff. i guess he has missed me too. i had given up on him. i thought he was happy with his new girlfriend. but i was wrong. i usually am wrong.
i have come to relize a few different things about myself. i dont put up with as much as i use to. my attitude toward guys has changed. my view of the world has changed. i couldn't tell you exactly how, because i myself am not sure. i have to go. i need my sleep.

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:: 2003 29 May :: 8.42 pm

its seems............
*sigh
its seems i have been forgetten again

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:: 2003 26 May :: 6.18 pm

this is so strange i dont know what i am suppose to think or feel anymore. first it felt like i was backup now in a way i feel just like a side dish. i mean come on whats up withthat. i dunno maybe its just all in my head. i haven't seen him in so long. i kinda want to see him, but i am not sure if he wants to see me. he thought maybe we could do something friday, but i dont know what i am doing friday, i would have rather saw him tonight. oh well nothing i can do.

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:: 2003 26 May :: 2.14 pm

i cant help it. i want to see him, i want to hold him close again. but in a way i dont know if i should. i told myself he would have to call me, that i wouldn't call him. but i dont know. i just dont know.

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:: 2003 25 May :: 10.30 pm

i had thought maybe he would call. he didn't. i guess thats a good thing because i would have fell for him all over again, gotten hurt all over again. i am only back up anyway. at least to him.

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:: 2003 24 May :: 10.39 pm

now i kinda really do feel like back up. he and his girlfriend broke up, so he talked to me on the net, and then calls me. i in a way had wanted to cry. because i was to the point where i was kinda over him, at least to the point where i didn't think about him as much, and was trying to move on. and now i really dont know what to do.

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:: 2003 21 May :: 2.38 pm

i have a crush on two guys from my school. one is in my grade. another is a senior and i am not if he still has a g/f in greenville.

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:: 2003 20 May :: 9.41 pm

wow its nice to know i am good for something. back up. i am back up for someone that has no one else to talk to and drops me right when they get someone else to talk to.

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:: 2003 17 May :: 10.13 pm

its quite interesting how things work out. he and i are not fighting anymore, we are doing good. not boyfriend/girlfriend, and i am not sure if that is a good or bad thing. there is always that person that i wonder about... how he's doing, if he's happy, i have pretty much moved on, but the part of me that loved him, still misses him.

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:: 2003 15 May :: 9.19 pm

its strange how life turns out.

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:: 2003 14 May :: 2.43 pm

once more i have messed up. there is just one thing i want to do about it. i will make it up. i will earn back the trust. "as long as you still have a piece, you can always rebuild the necklace" someone i love told me that. and that is what i want to do. its going to take a long time, but i know i can do it. i'll make it.

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