No one can Know

No one can Know

:: 2003 11 May :: 9.06 pm

they say when you hit bottom the only way you can go is up. i disagree, because what if the ground is quicksand. i dont know what to do as usual i am so confuesed, it makes my head hurt. i use to think he was just a regular jerk, but now i see he is the biggest asshole i have ever met. not to metion someone i really liked, used me. i should have trusted my instincts in the first place. i didn't. i thought it could have meant something but as usual i was wrong. this entry may not make much sense because this isn't all about the same person, and is more than likely going to get people confuesed. but i understand it, mainly because i wrote it this way on purpose, why? i am not really sure. i use to think i knew what i wanted, only on somethings. to jump into another subject, pretty much everything reminds me of him. the places we have been, movies we have watch, the littliest things that no one else could pick up on but me. if he still wants me, i'm here, if he doesn't, i'm still here if he needs a friend or someone to talk to. i will always remember him, and a part of me will always be with him, because once again i fell in love. by him i was caught, but because of my mistake, i had been dropped i guess you could say. yet again i change the subject, that you *renob* for sticking up for me like you did, i just dont think that it was a good idea for you to get mixed in this. he will give you hell, and he wont stop. once he makes up his mind to bitch someone out, he wont stop. so i am really sorry you got mixed up in it. but thanks for sticking up for me, it shows that at least one person gives a flying fuck what happens to me. i had better go, i have to "go to bed". actully just to my room and have my mom think i am going to bed. oh well. night (i said just night because i know it will not be good, neither will tomorrow at school)

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:: 2003 10 May :: 1.35 pm

FUCK YOU WORLD
FUCK THIS TOWN
I'M SICK OF IT
WHEN I ACTULLY KNOW WHAT I AM TALKING ABOUT NO ONE CARES
I DOUT IF ANYONE CARES ABOUT ME
NO ONE CARES WHAT HAPPENS TO ME
THE HIGHLIGHT OF MY WEEKEND IS BABYSITTING
FUCK YOU WORLD
FUCK YOU

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:: 2003 9 May :: 5.00 pm

why did i get my hopes up? ... only to be let down again.
*sigh

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:: 2003 4 May :: 7.26 pm

hands cold
face warm
heart in thoart
goose bumped arms
chills down spine

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:: 2003 4 May :: 7.21 pm

i sent him an email. later i called. then just like a min ago he logged on. that means he is reading the email i sent him. i dont know what will happen, but i feel like i want to cry.

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:: 2003 4 May :: 11.58 am

i cried myself to sleep last night... again

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:: 2003 4 May :: 10.41 am

we got in a fight last night. i dont know why i pushed it like i did. i dont know anymore. there are things i want to tell him, but for some reason i thought i would just be pouring my heart out for no reason.

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:: 2003 3 May :: 10.32 pm

i about to go into tears again
just the thoughts about everything
how much i miss him, how i have to live with what i did, how i am not doing that now
i was eating pizza but i have lost my appite
my mouth has gone dry and it feels like my heart is in my throat
hands going cold, face getting warm
i really do miss him

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:: 2003 2 May :: 7.15 pm

empty

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:: 2003 1 May :: 6.11 pm

written at school
there are times when i feel alone, even when there is many around me. i would like to be truely lone at times, even then i can't escape the thoughts in my mind. its a cruel world for me today. so may words about how i feel but unable to say. a part of me just wants to pive up and forget about him. another part of me just wants to hold on. it's not about "it" when i wonder if i am wasting my time waiting. i have been hurt so many times because i didn't let go when i should have or got too attached. i ask myself, what are my reasons to hold on in this case, i am still in love with him, i can't forget the way he made/makes me feel, i still miss him, i still want him, and some other things that words can't explain. so what do i do now? do i just try to forget or do i hold on, or lock myself in my room. there is a few problems iwth the third one. my room doesn't have a lock, it doesn't even have a door. i have a curtain in place of a door/wall. plus i would be comsumed by the thoughts within my mind. so this is what i think i will do, not yet let go, and see what happens. i really do miss him.

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:: 2003 30 April :: 9.05 pm

i have no clue what to do. i swear i am going crazy. its all driving me up a wall. i am haveing a really hard time trying to resist. my body just wants to say let go. but my heart is telling me not to. i still really care about him. not a day has gone without me thinking of him. a part of me wants to say forget about it, but then another part of me doesn't want to let go. what should i do?

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:: 2003 28 April :: 8.53 pm

rob is such an ass.

(not dealing with the main part about him being an ass) i use to like him (before swirl). then he got a girlfriend, it was no big. it was only a crush.
then he was being a huge flirt, to the point where it could have been considered cheating. then i thought they broke up, he kissed me, a few times. i come to find later that he is still going out with her.

the part about being an ass was the second part. and the fact of today. i was walking down an open hallway, he asked where i thought i was going. i said i was going home, then he said no. which meant he wanted to do something. i told him "you have a g/f" i dont really remember what he said after that because i was walking away. oh well.

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:: 2003 28 April :: 8.49 pm

i started writing this last night. but i stopped because i was really tired and already had written in a journal thing so i kinda had a writers cramp. well here it is, not finshed.

everything reminds me of him

the moon the stars
under which our first kiss took place
almost all the rooms in my house
there was his smiling face
songs on the radio
remind me of "us"

this whole time has been tough

yeah its a work in progress but its what i have so far.

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