No one can Know

No one can Know

:: 2003 27 April :: 9.24 pm

i just wanted to start crying. i got up the courage to call him and i did. he wasn't home. his mom didn't sound to happy to know who i was. he call back later. we talked for almost 40min. he said that he actully wanted to call me today. i miss him so much. i still love him. i just want to be with him. i know i messed up, but i would do whatever i could to make it up to him. i am so sorry.

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:: 2003 27 April :: 12.16 pm

yesterday i turned on the radio and the words that first came was "loves gone to hell and so have i"

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:: 2003 26 April :: 6.01 pm

yesterday after school i heard this song on the radio

"Don't Speak"

You and me
We used to be together
Everyday together always
I really feel
That I'm losing my best friend
I can't believe
This could be the end
It looks as though you're letting go
And if it's real
Well I don't want to know

Don't speak
I know just what you're saying
So please stop explaining
Don't tell me cause it hurts
Don't speak
I know what you're thinking
I don't need your reasons
Don't tell me cause it hurts

Our memories
Well, they can be inviting
But some are altogether
Mighty frightening
As we die, both you and I
With my head in my hands
I sit and cry

Don't speak
I know just what you're saying
So please stop explaining
Don't tell me cause it hurts (no, no, no)
Don't speak
I know what you're thinking
I don't need your reasons
Don't tell me cause it hurts

It's all ending
I gotta stop pretending who we are...
You and me I can see us dying...are we?

Don't speak
I know just what you're saying
So please stop explaining
Don't tell me cause it hurts (no, no, no)
Don't speak
I know what you're thinking
I don't need your reasons
Don't tell me cause it hurts
Don't tell me cause it hurts!
I know what you're saying
So please stop explaining

Don't speak,
don't speak,
don't speak,
oh I know what you're thinking
And I don't need your reasons
I know you're good,
I know you're good,
I know you're real good
Oh, la la la la la la La la la la la la
Don't, Don't, uh-huh Hush, hush darlin'
Hush, hush darlin' Hush, hush
don't tell me tell me cause it hurts
Hush, hush darlin' Hush, hush darlin'
Hush, hush don't tell me tell me cause it hurts

then today i heard "I'm With You" on the radio, right here i changed a few of the lyrics.

I'm Standing on a bridge
I'm waitin in the dark
I thought that you'd be here by now
Theres nothing but the rain
No footsteps on the ground
I'm listening but theres no sound

Isn't anyone tryin to find me?
Won't you come take me home
It's a damn cold night
Trying to figure out this life
Wont you take me by the hand
take me somewhere new
I dont know where you are
but I... I want you

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:: 2003 26 April :: 12.12 pm

i started to type something but i stopped because i spilled my water on me. so i decided not to.

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:: 2003 25 April :: 8.03 pm

when i was walking into school today, i looked at the sky. half the sun was showing so warm and bright. but there were dark clouds on the other side.

in the words of william shakespeare "Love comforteth like sunshine after rain"

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:: 2003 25 April :: 8.01 pm

i saw him today. all i wanted to was run to him, and hold him close. no hug. just a little small talk, and goodbye. i felt so ill, i think it might have been because it hurt. i really miss him. i would do almost anything to take back what i did, but i can't so oh well. i was going though my sister karaoke songs and found this one. it made me think of him.

What I Really Meant To Say
(Cyndi Thomson/Chris Waters/Tommy Lee James)

It took me by surprise
When I saw you standin' there
Close enough to touch
Breathin' the same air
You asked me how I'd been
I guess that's when I smiled and said just fine
Oh, but baby I was lyin'

What I really meant to say
Is I'm dyin' here inside
And I miss you more each day
There's not a night I haven't cried
And baby, here's the truth
I'm still in love with you
(And, that's what I really meant to say)

And as you walked away
The echo of my words
Cut just like a knife
Cut so deep it hurt
I held back the tears
Held on to my pride and watched you go
I wonder if you'll ever know

What I really meant to say
Is I'm dyin' here inside
And I miss you more each day
There's not a night I haven't cried
And baby, here's the truth
I'm still in love with you
(And, that's what I really meant to say)

What I really meant to say
Is I'm really not that strong
No matter how I try
I'm still holdin' on
And here's the honest truth
I'm still in love with you
And, that's what I really meant to say

That's what I really meant to say
That's what I really meant to say

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:: 2003 24 April :: 4.04 pm

well i talked to him today. he called me. i wasn't going to call him. i figured if he wanted to talk, he would call me, otherwise he can have his space. it still kind of hurts when i think about it, i got the feeling like my heart was in my throat, i still feel it a little, oh well. not really anything i can do. today was a little akward, i was mad at winiger (just a firend) because he told people somethings that he said he wouldn't. so i was a little upset. this morning my sister had to drag me out of bed at 7. i had a very ood dream. it scared me.

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:: 2003 23 April :: 9.04 pm

today was interesting. my mom told me it was time to get up, but it was only like 6:30, and i ususally dont get out of bed until 6:45 (at the eariliest). i couldn't find what i had wanted to wear. anyway, i get to school, not many cars are there yet (surprisingly) i took my bag to my band locker, and headed toward the autotium, because sophmores and freshmen had a meeting. i picked out my friends, because one of them had blue hair. the meeting wasn't that bad, then the freshmen left and we all got split into groups. lucky i was in a grow with theo and tony, so that was cool. james r. was in the group too. we hung out and talked. lunch was interesting. then we all had to go to the libary to listen to some more crap. but we got a break and thats when the kinda werid thing happen. i wasn't sure, but all i have to say is almost "nose". anyway, after that todo, ----- was so rude to me, and i wasn't even doing what she thought, and that really pissed me off, considering she had a b/f, and i was just sharing a chair with someone but then i got my own and thats when she said something.
on a much brighter note, i am getting 75$ for my artwork, then 50$ to make another one, then 75$ for the purcase of that. i couldn't believe it, i thought 75$ was high for my work but they thought it was cheap, so in reality its 100$per work. i am still in shock about that. what i will do is after i get paid i will deposit 175$ into my savings account, and keep 25$ just to have money in my room. oh welll i had better get going, i have to go to bed. if you have any questions on any of this, you should have my email, if you dont i wont give it to you unless i know you. later.

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:: 2003 22 April :: 8.51 pm

i'm doin alot better. i know i screwed up, i have to live with it. yeah the memories will hurt, but we did have some good times. goodbye rover, i'd be lying if i said i wouldn't miss him. i also figured out what i miss the most. how he made me feel. around him, i could be my true self, not hide behind some mask. its too late now. as usually i relized something too late, i have to live with it, but i'll be alright. i was once told if you truely love someone, that you if the time comes to let them let, you should. so i am not going to fight it, its what he wants, then let it be so. i'll be alright.

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:: 2003 21 April :: 7.41 pm

"you can not walk the road of love alone, you need someone to pick you up if you fall"
-unknown

not a good thing for me, i am very clumbsy

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:: 2003 21 April :: 4.14 pm

well once more...
i have fucked up, as usual, i relaly feel like shit. i still want him. i still want to be with him. i miss him already. i love him. i really do.

good advice to everyone.
cherish love
you will never know how much something means to you until its gone or when its just about to leave.

i miss him so much. i really do love him

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:: 2003 21 April :: 7.18 am

3 hours os sleep
i'm tired
i look like shit
i feel like shit
and its all my fault

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:: 2003 21 April :: 12.47 am

well i am going to go and try to get some sleep,
night.....
hopefully

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:: 2003 21 April :: 12.10 am

i have entered hell
as you can tell by the time its very very late. i can't sleep. my dad isn't home so i dont have to worry about someone finding me on the computer.

my boyfriend is angey with me. i dont blame him. i can't, because its my fault and i knew he would be but i had to tell him. we both want to make this work but we haven't gotten off to a very good start. i want to be with him. i really do.

my guess is i will be on here for quite a while, so i will update this more later. bye bye.

the sucky part is i have school tomorrow.

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