:: 2003 15 April :: 8.13 pm

January is cold, but february is colder, and i can't stand to hold her anymore.

What fashionable underground band/style are you?

this quiz was made by the sunni bunni bear

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:: 2003 15 April :: 7.35 pm

it seems that things have turned out for the better. i read her one journal and everything seemed alright..so i move on to her secret journal and everything was alright in there too.

so its good

im somewhat happy i guess.

1 . | .

:: 2003 15 April :: 4.39 pm

hm..wrote a new song today..good for me.

thats about it really..oh yeah..i got caught skipping with bobby and my mom is flipping out and she was crying..

and she thinks i need to be on medication..shes just going totally apeshit over a little innocent skipping to play some video games..i mean damn woman. she need some fricken Ketamine or something (cat tranquilizer incase all three of you that read this don't know what Ketamine is.)

but other than that..im alright i guess.

4 . | .

:: 2003 13 April :: 9.46 pm

your wrists are stained red, you say its the trees
the only thing that was going through my head was this line fom the Finch song "stay with me"

"whoa, there's something in the air tonight
something that makes me feel alive and i say
whoa, what were the words that you said to me
that made me feel so special now"

i think there was, but who knows.

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:: 2003 12 April :: 10.36 pm

random anger.

woo.

1 . | .

:: 2003 12 April :: 9.32 pm

she was screaming as she fell, i never heard her hit.
my legs hurt

it was nice..we went skateboarding/rollerblading for like 4 hours or so..and for awhile..im completely forgot about everything..i was just concentrating on waiting for people to walk by me so i could try some insane trick and fall on my ass..its good to give the public something to laugh about in these hard times..haha..im retarded.

so thats all.

i got a cell phone too..yay me.

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:: 2003 12 April :: 10.19 am

see, im all over the place. like even with music. last night i was all about way mellow acoustic stuff, and this morning i listened to some Pedro and it just didn't do anything for me, so i put on some Used which is like opposite of pedro, and it was heaven..the way you can almost hear his vocal cords ripping apart when he screams.

The screaming is on par with Corey Taylor from slipknot, but its better because the rest of the band doesn't suck.

Me and chuck said we were going to do this album of me not singing and just a bunch of guest singers instead.
heres the orignal list

1. The Reverend Horton Heat (from The Reverend Horon Heat)

2. Matt Pryor (from the Get Up Kids)

3. Bert McCrackin (from the Used)

4. The guy from Finch..i still don't know his name..

5. John Meridith (from Someday i)

and now here is my additions

6. Gordon Gano (from the Violent Femmes)

7. Adam Green (from the Moldy Peaches)

8. Robert Smith (from the Cure..though i really don't think his vocal style would fit our musical style..it would be fun to try though.)

9. Michael Richardson (from Benton Falls *read: the voice of sex.*)

10. Connor Oberst (from Bright Eyes..duh. Again another weird fit, but it would be fun to try.)

11. The guy from AFI (don't know his name..but he is the definition of "get awsome")

12. and last but not least, whoever the hell does all the screaming in "Dirty Fingernails" by Modest Mouse.

that is all so far, ill add to it if i hear something else i really like.

3 . | .

:: 2003 12 April :: 1.47 am

ive heard this all before
fuck
god dammit brain, why do you have to do this

not only are you hurting yourself, you're fucking things up for her too..maybe..

im just assuming.

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:: 2003 11 April :: 10.38 pm

theres nothing much that we can do to save you from yourself
yeah..the night was going good, i felt that the whole friends thing was working out alright.

then it happened

not that i regret it. i just don't want to send mixed signals.

then the second part happened

for the 4th time in front of her..i snapped or whatever..i didn't want her to see, but *someone* has really shitty timing.

so i snapped because i was angry at myself and i punched the hood of my car really hard like 2 or 3 times..

all in all it was an eventful night.

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:: 2003 10 April :: 3.24 pm

now your bodys gone, but angel you will live
all these little entries that really only mean anything to me..its kind of weird i guess.

weird..i have been using that word alot lately.

everything is weird..its a weird situation..feel like im walking on thin ice, and if i say or do the wrong thing that ice could crack..
like i said before
"woo..im confused."

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:: 2003 10 April :: 11.33 am

woo..im confused.

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:: 2003 9 April :: 11.47 pm

you're having the time of my life..
i wonder if suicide really is painless.

2 . | .

:: 2003 9 April :: 9.57 am

ugh.

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:: 2003 8 April :: 9.59 pm

you want to know what i fucking need?
i need to close this chapter of my life and look back with no regrets..im moving on.
This isn't good for me or her, but she just can't see that..
fuck.

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:: 2003 8 April :: 12.32 pm

why can't she be in my shoes.
then i think she would understand
i tired to explain, but i just can't talk to her.

thats why it has to end.

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:: 2003 7 April :: 10.25 pm

i wish i could know what i was doing wrong to make her be like this from time to time..

but alas

i don't.

1 . | .

:: 2003 5 April :: 10.14 pm

The storm is back tonight
So how could I
Awake without you here
Your pictures on the wall you haven't called
But I will wait for you

To her own reflection, she says
I will hold on
To her own reflection, she says
I will be strong

The storm is letting up
But it wont die
If you weren't wrong was I
You picture still remains
But I wonder
Are you still the same

To her own reflection, she says
I will hold on
To her own reflection, she says
I will be strong

Am I loosing you
Am I loosing you

I'm waiting
I've waited till it's over
It's over now

I'm waiting
I've waited till it's over
it's over now (I will hold on)

I'm waiting
I've waited till it's over
It's over now (I will remain)

To her own reflection, she says
I will hold on
To her own reflection, she says
I will be strong

To her own reflection, she says (I'm waiting I've waited till it's over now)

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:: 2003 4 April :: 10.52 am

well i can honestly say one thing impressed me at the talent show..

freebird.

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:: 2003 2 April :: 9.31 pm

is this coincedance
i've lost my innocence

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:: 2003 2 April :: 9.02 pm

you took it back
how could you go and do something like that
my fingernail phase
worst has got the best of you
I ask you and I know I need to change
you took it back
you ripped my heart out of my then you put it back
I'm pulling my hair
I let you just a million times
I love you even though it isn't fair

change
run we go around again in circles
play this game over again

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:: 2003 2 April :: 4.41 pm

if there comes day, when you should turn your heart away, ill be down on my knees begging for that girl to stay
i wish i could help her..but i think its best of something like shes going through stays in the family..i want to run away with like she wants..but i can't...not like this

don't let go
ooh whoa oo whoa

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:: 2003 2 April :: 3.27 pm

im am folded, and unfolded, and unfolding..i am colorblind
she just doens't know when to shutup

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:: 2003 31 March :: 7.07 pm

well
i just don't know anymore matt
i just don't know

you stupid fuck.

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:: 2003 30 March :: 9.04 pm

i never asked to be sorry..
what the fuck did i do to make her think that?
grr.
im a shitty boyfriend, and i don't deserve someone as great as her..

but i guess thats one of the great mysteries of life, why i have her..one that i don't care to solve.

1 . | .

:: 2003 30 March :: 11.19 am

one of the most beautiful songs i've ever heard
i'm crying for help
im calling all cars
you're calling all scars
diving for truth
im in over my head
but you're lying instead
perscribe me something
to get me through this
is this coincedance?
i've lost my innocence
oh, is this over?
will this ever end?
my friends have turned and run
i'm back in your office
on your couch again
where my problems once begun
oh, is this over?
will this ever end?
one last time
whats so wrong?
whats so bad about feeling down?
right now
maybe you're right
i can see im falling down
lay down
tell me everything
tell me why i feel bad
housecalls are never free

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:: 2003 30 March :: 12.48 am

whats so wrong
whats so bad about feeling down
right now

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:: 2003 28 March :: 5.57 pm

its windy and shitty. and im really bored
im in a benton falls type of mood

i don't know whats been with me really lately, but shes starting to notice i think

feel like shit, all the time..i like to think that i can hide it pretty well but its getting harder to cover it up everyday.

maybe its the weather. i don't know.

i just really want to get out of here before its to late i guess..its either i want to leave or i just want to go home and curl up and go to sleep. stupid indecisive bastard i am.

they think they care, they think they are my friends, but they don't care..they just want to act like it because thats what "friends" are for..well fuck friends.

i don't want them anymore.

even my grades my fucking show it..they are all dropped to c-, except for my anatomy class, which i am failing...then my english class i have a c+

not that i really care that much..but my mind is other places.

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:: 2003 28 March :: 4.50 pm

thinks hes the only one going on to great things..to be famous.

fuck that

I'm going to be famous too..im going to be a fucking rockstar and im going to make it dammit.
we're going to make it.

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:: 2003 28 March :: 2.48 pm

i don't know what it is about her..everything she says gets to me somehow..its just like nails scraping my skull and i can't stand it.

she constantly bugs me about everything..i jsut want her to go away.
yeah, my mom sucks.

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:: 2003 27 March :: 9.18 pm

this is the last of my letters
until i see you again.

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