:: 2003 26 February :: 3.55 pm

Lost by an echo..
So I started writing a book today. Its about a kid named Brian that is all alone in life and stuck in this shitty routine of waking up, going to school, and coming hom and reading for the entire night..and the kid is a genius so school is nothing to him...the intro i have is "Brian is 16 years old, and he has decided to take his life, but maybe I should take a few steps back first." I'm really hoping it doesn't end up being extremly short, as i tend to compress things without trying...yep..

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:: 2003 25 February :: 12.04 pm

my tummy hurt this morning so i stayed home today D:

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:: 2003 17 February :: 8.39 pm

She woke from her dream, her head was on fire..
So today was way fucking boring. Downloaded the entire "On A Wire" album by The Get Up Kids..yeah..then I burned it, thats about all I did today really. I don't like being bored like this, I think too much.

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:: 2003 16 February :: 10.45 pm

go here and help me

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:: 2003 16 February :: 1.19 pm

You're a few years overdue, and I spent them waiting here for you..
Am I scared?
No.
I'm anxious. I just want to leave. So it may come off as me being worried about The Relationship, but I'm just a little nutty right now, sorry. And I can honestly say thats the first time I have ever used "nutty" in a sentance.

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:: 2003 15 February :: 9.59 pm

I saw sparks..
I've been thinking about my future for the past 2 hours or so. I think I finally have some direction in my life, not motivation nesscesarily, but some idea of where I might be headed, and I like it.

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:: 2003 15 February :: 3.23 pm

I'm gonna buy this place, and burn it down.
I just got a Valentines day gift from my god parents (it was a day late in the mail). It was a card and two cookies. They also just found out that im on anti-depressents and have been in two phsychiatric hospitals and that I smoked weed for 3 years and all that stuff. Kind of funny how they barely ever talk to me and out of nowhere I get two cookies. I've got no beef with the cookies, they were quite tasty. But, I've never gotten a Valentines Day present from them before, then out of nowhere? I hardly even talk to them..it was a nice gesture I guess. I just don't want to get involved with my family..bleh.

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:: 2003 15 February :: 2.24 pm

Of all the ways a man can lose his heart, there ain't none better than the girl thats moving on.
so I tried to make my own little journal site, jsut for me.
too hard, I gave up.
I suck.

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:: 2003 15 February :: 12.01 pm

we never change, do we?
I wish I could fight. I wish I had the willpower that he has, I wish I could have the blunt honesty. I get angry sometimes, then I look back on it, hind sight is 20/20 I guess. I always give in, I say i won't, but eventually I will given enough time. I'm weak. I wish I could be strong...I wish for alot, but I do nothing to make those wishes come true..I wish I could change.

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:: 2003 14 February :: 8.57 pm

I wanna live life, never be cruel,
I wanna live life, be good to you.

I wanna fly, never come down,
And live my life,
And have friends around.

We never change, do we?
We never learned to leave,
So I wanna live in a wooden house,
I wanna live life, always be true,
I wanna live life, and be good to you,
I wanna fly, and never come down,
And I live my life, and have friends around.

We never change do we? No, no,
We never learned to bleed,
So I wanna live in a wooden house,
Making more friends would be easy.

O I don't have a show to say,
Yes, and I sing of a single day,
We never change do we?
We never learned to leave.

So, I wanna live life in a wooden house,
Making more friends would be easy,
I wanna live where the sun comes out

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:: 2003 14 February :: 8.24 pm

I wanna live life..
To whom it may concern:

Hi, my name is Matt. I'm 16 years old, I don't have a job, I live with people I don't like, I have a guitar that im going to make a life with, and a cd player that is always running. I smoke and I drink on occasion. I have a passion for dim lighting and piano music. I want to live in an east coast 2 room apartment with wood floors and a creaky staircase. I want to walk along the sidewalks in the winter wearing my scarf and actually aprreciate the beauty of the cold instead of loathing it as I do now.
I like to think that there is a soundtrack to my life. The sound of dried leaves blowing across a parking lot that has weeds growing up from its cracks, soft piano music and a slightly out of tune acoustic guitar while someone hums in the background. I hear it in my head all day long and beg for it to be real, to take me away from this place i so despise.
I'm going to make it out of here someday. I'm going to be someone, and i want to take you with me. That guitar I talked about? Its going to take me across this country and across this world. I'm going to be an international superstar. Then one day I'll get sick of it all, do 17 grams of pure cocaine and blow my head off with a 12 gauge shotgun. But not before i write one last song and record it on my trusty handheld tape recorder. That song would be called "For You" and it would be for the love of my life. I guess you could say I'd end up being a selfish bastard for killing myself and all, but you can't fight destiny.
I'm going to love it so much that it will have to be taken from me. I don't belive that I was meant to be here, maybe thats why im predicting my future like this. But I'll live out my life and go out in a big way. Thanks for listning to me ramble.
Sincerely,
Matthew James Hinton

2 . | .

:: 2003 14 February :: 8.02 pm

bellicose says:
i love you, you stupid bastard

all i can say is :)

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:: 2003 14 February :: 6.25 pm

I wanna see riot, I wanna see protest
blarp.

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:: 2003 14 February :: 5.45 pm

..decided to stay away..
Well there you have it.
My mother has just proceded to ruin my day. Somehow just by talking to me she has pissed me off. So fucking perky. Like a stepford wife. Thats what really gets to me I guess, how she covers it all up because she couldn't handle someone knowing how fucked up our family really his. The stoner brother that is running away from the police, the son that hates his parents. The grandfather that had the serious drinking problem. No no, hush it all up, what would everyone else think? "Don't wear those jeans with the holes in them in public, it will relflect badly on me!" Well I can't fucking stand it anymore. grr.

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:: 2003 14 February :: 3.38 pm

So I learn to turn and look the other way.
I know I feel good right now, but something will come along. It always does. Real life is a buzzkill, thats all I have to say about that.

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:: 2003 13 February :: 3.30 pm

it goes on forever and ever and ever..
I don't know where i am at anymore. I don't know where i stand with some of my friends. I also don't know if i really give a fuck either.

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:: 2003 12 February :: 9.09 pm

If I cut myself
would you care at all
would you let me fall
will you let me fall down

what would you do
when the first drop hit the ground
would you watch me collapse
and see me crash to the ground

don't let me fall down
don't let me fall down
don't let me fall from you

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:: 2003 12 February :: 8.00 pm

and the child said
"Why are all these men laying down, covered in red?"
and the man replied
"Because they were looking for God, but found religion instead."

1 . | .

:: 2003 12 February :: 7.37 pm

I hesitated, and you smiled.
I really don't think that my parents or that stupid counseler realize that sometimes you don't know or care why you feel the way you do. I know I don't love my parents. And that stupid dick tries to tell me that I'm going to be an abusive husband and that I don't like myself. Bottom line, I don't take that shit from anyone. So I made my point by standing up and saying "Why is our insurance wasting money on this asshole?" and tryign to walk out. Father didn't take to kindly to that and sorta tackled me to the ground. I'm really sick of all this shit. I just want to be away from them and this stupid house and these stupid fucking memories..I'm going to dissapear when I leave, they won't ever hear from me again. Let's see how much they love their little baby boy then..I want them to hate me. I want them to kick me out and disown me and say "My son is dead to me." But we all can't get everything now can we?

I wish that i could sleep. I've had trouble sleeping for the past week or so and its really starting to get to me. The dreams i have are horrible too..I dream that i see her walking with some random guy, holding his hand, and then when I run to break them apart, I slam into some invisible wall.

If I cut myself
would you care at all
would you let me fall
will you let me fall down

start of a new song I'm working on.

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:: 2003 11 February :: 10.05 pm

Keep my hands by my side..
If I caused you to drown..
Just so you know, you're not my fucking hero. You don't influence me. You aren't me. I'm better than you. I don't want to be like you, I want to be me. I just want to live my life. I want to wake up in my apartment with her next to me and know that when i walk out that door I'll be making my own breakfast and going off to make my own money. I just wnat to be on my own.

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:: 2003 11 February :: 8.43 pm

Johnny Depp is my all time favorite actor.

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:: 2003 11 February :: 7.17 pm

An empty apartment, to come home to.
I'm confused and tired, but I've already slept for 4 hours today. Its my only way out at home now. I can't come home baked and just think that my parents being so fucked up is funny, now i just have to face it for what it is. My mom thinks that I'm a lazy little bastard because i don't put effort into the things she deems worthy of deserving my effort. Case in point: trying to fix our family. I never want to go to counseling, I don't want to take this medicine, I just want to go away. I don't ever want to see her again, I wish that she would just drop off the face of the fucking earth...yet im stuck here, and shes stuck here, and we have to deal with each other. I don't know where im going with this really, I'm just kind of rambling. I want to cry god dammit. Why can't I just let my emotions go once in a while? Have I controlled them so much that now I can't help but do it? The one time that I have been really happy in a home-like setting was when i stayed at a friends house for a weekend a while ago..but my mom couldn't even let me have that. I don't want things to be better with her, I just want to her go away. Go away.

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:: 2003 10 February :: 9.27 pm

I'm here in your bedroom ounce for ounce.
I was staring at the side of road while coming home today..I wish that i could be that white line. It knows where its going, its path has been set and its got an easy road ahead of it. I want to see the future and see if i would be better off running aay so that i didn't hurt anyone, but since i can't do that, i want to sleep when i feel like shit. I want to not have to deal with my parents, i want to be out of here.

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:: 2003 10 February :: 3.06 pm

if you see me, just go away.
Its this town. Its killing me, i can feel it. Everytime I looked out the window today, something depressed me even more..filthy slush on the sidwalk, whitetrash that didn't realize they were whitetrash, pride in place that has nothing to be proud of. I need to get out of here before I kill myself.

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:: 2003 9 February :: 4.28 pm

All around me are familiar faces
Worn out places, worn out faces
Bright and early for their daily races
Going nowhere, going nowhere
And their tears are filling up their glasses
No expression, no expression
Hide my head I want to drown my sorrow
No tommorow, no tommorow

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:: 2003 9 February :: 3.34 pm

reassuring words really help, and im not being sarcastic.

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:: 2003 9 February :: 11.17 am

all around me are familiar faces, worn out places, worn out faces.
My paranoia is coming back again. I get the feeling that maybe she is regreting the decision to be with me. She looked so happy talking to tony last night. Then she thought that i had left without her. I'm just confused i guess. Too much for me to really think about for any substantial period of time. It would drive me crazy.
"I find it kind of funny, I find it kind of sad, the dreams in which I'm dying are the best I've ever had."

1 . | .

:: 2003 8 February :: 11.53 am

A broken house, with gates made from broken promises, but nobody is home.
Usually if i sleep long enough i feel better in the morning, but not today..i just need to play some loud music and get my mind off things for awhile..it helps sometimes.

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:: 2003 7 February :: 10.18 pm

Grab with both hands, rip out these wings and watch me fall.
I don't know what it is exactly.
Somewhere inside, something is wrong, but i don't know..and they don't know either. They want to send me to all these doctors and put me on all this fucking medicine..but it won't help..won't change a god damn thing. Maybe i like it like this..the drama..am i hurting anyone but myself?
There is alot more to me then i think most people realize, and im getting fucking tired of keeping it all in so i don't think im going to anymore, its to much of a burden for me.

My girlfriend is the greatest person in the world, but for some reason its hard for me to find the words to tell her that.

My "best friend" is a complete asshole and isn't really a friend at all, I'm just his punching bag for everything.

The rest of my "friends" (except a few) are assholes as well..I've built up this reputation of being a non violent person, so they tend to take advantage of that and just beat up on me and make fun of me all the time..ive grown numb to it though, so it doesn't hurt right away..but has a lasting pain like a tetanis shot.

So thats it..i feel like throwing up.

1 . | .

:: 2003 6 February :: 8.13 pm

i think im dumb
i can't express it..its just there, it will always be there...

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