:: 2003 5 February :: 9.31 pm

we passed upon the stairs
If I tried, would you still call me son?
If I tried, would you call me at all?
If I say that I’ll go regardless of what you want me to do.
If I say that I’ll go regardless I’m better off without,
I’m better off without you.

If I change my mind it won’t be soon enough for you,
But I’m not you,
I’m not you,
I’m not you.

I’ll try to compromise for you to see
That there’s so many other things for me to find out.
Run myself to the ground.
Would you please forgive me if I found my way back home?

Everything I see,
Everything I do,
Everywhere I’ve been,
These mean nothing to you?

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:: 2003 5 February :: 7.56 pm

And that, I think, was the handle---that sense of inevitable victory over the forces of Old and Evil. Not in any mean or military sense; we didn't need that. Our energy would simply prevail. There was no point in fighting---on our side or theirs. We had all the momentum; we were riding the crest of a high and beautiful wave. So now, less than five years later, you can go up on a steep hill in Las Vegas and look West, and with the right kind of eyes you can almost see the high-water mark---the place where the wave finally broke and rolled back.

1 . | .

:: 2003 5 February :: 6.46 pm

Don't worry..I'll catch you.
I want a piano so bad..i would kill for one. Its such a beautiful insturment..

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:: 2003 4 February :: 8.55 pm

im out of my fucking mind
shes a gold medal, a blue ribbon, a huge trophy...first place.

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:: 2003 29 January :: 9.33 pm

i don't write as much when things are going half way decent..i dont know..sometimes though, completely at random, ill jsut feel like shit..its really weird.

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:: 2003 28 January :: 3.18 pm

the cats, the blind, the genius
its insane how much i feel for Jessica..it all rushed back into me in one day..like slamming into a brick wall, but the bricks aren't really bricks, they are soft pillows so its not that bad if i slam into it..

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:: 2003 27 January :: 5.11 pm

murderers
things = looking up

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:: 2003 25 January :: 11.31 pm

fuck im confused

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:: 2003 25 January :: 10.54 am

yep..just like i predidcted..me getting fucked over in the end. wonderful.

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:: 2003 24 January :: 5.12 pm

I'm the AFNY guy...
all this bad timing is making me look shallow i think..
i find out the girl im pursuing doesn't want to go out with me, and that the girl i stopped going out with has a new boyfriend..all during this time i realizing i never should've broken up with girl number 1 in the first place..

so it looks like i broke up with girl number one, went for girl number two, got nowhere, and now im crawling back o girl number 1..but thats not how it happened..i would have broken up with girl number 1 even if girl number 2 never existed..but eh..what can you do?

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:: 2003 23 January :: 7.19 pm

can she feel herself?
slowy distancing
alienating
pulling..away.

except for the few who shall remain close, other than that, i don't care anymore.

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:: 2003 22 January :: 6.43 pm

are you in?
bleh
short stay in another mental instituion
punched a hole in a door, got to ride in a cop car with hand cuffs and everything, not more weed until im out of this house..ugh..and i have to take anti depresents now..i don't know..its like, my friends better be happy because i went against pretty much everything i stood for just so i could stay friends with them and not switch schools..sigh.

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:: 2003 12 January :: 5.44 pm

staring elf.
Why can't i laugh it off?

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:: 2003 12 January :: 4.17 pm

i want, i know, i see just how you feel..
something tells me this whole thing with the women and whatnot is going to end up with me getting fucked over in one way or another..i don't know..maybe i made a mistake?..nah, its to early to tell..just kinda unsure thats all..yeah..unsure.

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:: 2003 12 January :: 3.14 pm

i know your face...its all out of place
I just don't know..so confused. i hate this..feeling..i guess you could call it. Don't know where im going or anything..just a confusing heavy fog that pushes me to the ground and keeps me from getting up sometimes.

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:: 2003 12 January :: 2.34 pm

your shadow weighs a ton
so i am back..and its still staring me in the face..

its like "get the hell away from me, problem."..but it just doesn't listen

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:: 2003 10 January :: 6.31 am

just thought of something
if she can go this long without him..whats to say that she can't go the rest of her life knowing that the one she really loved got away?

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:: 2003 9 January :: 10.44 pm

i think it was possibaly the most comforting someone has ever said to me..

"if (name of person) didn't exist, i wouldv'e scooped you up months ago"

it really hit the spot.. in a sense

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:: 2003 9 January :: 4.54 pm

sigur ros..its good stuff..its spacing me out..
yeah..my breakup with her didn\'t go over to well..her freind told her that i was thinking about it before i even got to talk to her, kinda fucked up my plan..

I had intended to put on the happy mask for a couple more days and see if this was just phase..and maybe like incubus said \"it will be over soon\"..but thank you kind lady, for fucking up my whole plan.

i don\'t even know anymore..seriously...its like i can\'t even fucking control my life anymore..anytime i try, some outside force comes in and says \"You can\'t go off the plan that fate has set for you, you must live your life how its supposed to be\"..well fuck that..i don\'t believe in fate..i believe in shaping my life with my own fucking two hands and not having someone mess it up. guess you can\'t have everything..

look at me ramble..i took some aderol today and i had long discussions with two people..i feel close friendship with them now..especially molly..if i was to pick a girl-best friend, it would be her, she is like my second sister or something.

i don\'t think that i\'ll ever quit smoking pot..this is too perfect right..its cold outside, im in here warm, and its shitty rainy weather, and im listning to to a really awesome song, jsut realxing
...the phone just ruined my train of thought..hello reality

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:: 2003 7 January :: 5.54 pm

i figure i need a little privacy, but i still like comments from people, so i can't just put all my entries on "private"..and my hand gets tired really fast when i write in my notebook..so a new journal seemed like a good alternitive..but who knows, it may ultimatley be my downfall

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