m&ms487

Sometimes everything seems like it's snowballing. There is so much going on everyday that I'm not sure if I can keep up. I need to be more organized; more everything. I'm not sure how to be like that anymore. I've spent too much time trying to get more out of life than just getting good grades on everything. I've become a lot more social, than say, four years ago. I'm a very different person, but I still have that instinctive need to do better. I got SO upset when I realized that my computer assignment was due, and I didn't even know about it! It was on black board of course, but I didn't even know there was anything there. It doesn't help that my lab instructor is from china and can't really speak english. Even if he does understand what you ask him, that doesn't mean that you will understand his response.

It's a rainy day today. I'm in the fourth floor of the library looking out over the music building and Brooks hall. I had University band last night. I talked about the really annoying piccolo player to the guy who sits nex to me. He confirmed that he was really annoyed with her too - so everytime she did something bitchy I would just look at him and smile. It was really nice not feeling alone for once.

I think that's my problem here. I feel so alone. I have "friends", but there isn't anyone that I can tell stupid things to. For example, my english professor looks like a fish out of water gasping for air when she lectures, or I think my computer professor use to be a drug happy hippie. You can't just pull someone off the side walk and tell them this. Well, I guess you could, but as I learned in communications, that doesn't mean that you'll get a self disclosure back, which is what we all want anyway.

It was raining this morning when I awoke. I like when it rains here. It's very comforting to me. I remember a specific incident when I was little - I was sitting in one of our rocking chairs by our big window and a huge thunderstorm rolled in. I was probably five or six. The thunder was so loud that i could feel our house shake with its might. I sat in that chair, curled up in a ball, and covered myself with one of the doll blankets my Grandma had knitted for me. Here I was, a little girl scared of the thunderstorm, covering myself with a blanket no bigger than a mini skirt. As the storm began to drone on, I realized that I was safe. I was inside and the thunderstorm couldn't hurt me. I slowly peeped out from under the blanket, much to my mother's laughter. I stood on the chair and looked out of the window, half amazed, half scared out of my wits. I saw, for the first time that I can recollect, a thunderstorm. It was amazing. The coulds were so dark and infuriated, and the lightening came down, lighting up the midafternoon sky. Ever since, I have been in love with thunderstorms. I love to stand out in a field and watch them roll in. I love to feel the wind pick up and race through my hair. I love to feel that chill you get when you see something so fierce, so amazing, that you are stuck there, staring at it, realizing that it's beauty is dangerous.

Enough ranting for now. I have my english class to go to in a half an hour. Pride and Prejudice is actually a little better when you read it for a second time.

michelle

x o