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m&ms487
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2005 19 January :: 7.00am
Well another snow day....when am I ever going to get my AP chem exam done?
Well, this morning was nice. I woke rueben up a little bit ago because he spent the night, with all the to do over his dad and all, and Zach came and got him a few minutes ago to carpool to GRCC.
It's really wonderful seening the person you love first thing in the morning, even if we don't exactly looking our chipperest.
Now I'm listening to flute music and freezing my ass off in this corner.
I hope this does something for Manwel (okay, i really don't know how to spell it, but that's how you say it).
And Ema. I bet he did a lot of this for her. She's the cutest baby I've ever seen.
-michelle-
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m&ms487
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2005 18 January :: 7.37am
:: Mood: calm
So we have a two hour delay for some unknown reason.
This means I'll have a lot less time to complete my AP chem exam, that's only half finished (after 2 days of working on it).
This means that I got an extra hour of sleep, I'll be awake when I get to school, and I get to catch up on Good Morning American.
Gotta love those 66 year old women who give birth and those college presidents who say women don't have the aptitude to be at the top of the science and mathmatical fields.
I think he was from Harvard, but how should I know? According to him, I probably don't have the aptitidue to listen to the tv.
Ah, well, have to go and straighten my hair into oblivion. I swear someday all my hair is just going to fall out because I do so much crap to it. Oh well, then I can just give more away to locks of love.
-michelle-
p.s. First day without modern business!!!!!!!!!!!
I feel like a new person.
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m&ms487
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2005 14 January :: 12.02pm
It's all so close. No. Yes. No.
Such little things can hold you back, if you let them. Circumstances.
It's been so cold today.
I wish it would go away.
Exams are the worst things ever invented by mankind.
Especially AP Chemistry exams.
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m&ms487
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2005 11 January :: 12.18pm
I swear I wanted to die last night. I have hardly ever been so.....fucked up?
Today is a long day. I woke up at 4:30am to memorize my drama thing, and go in early for a history test. After school is a band trip meeting, and then I have to drive to Howard City to give lessons. Finally I should be home around 6pm. I want to sleep then.
I'm having a bit better day today, but still tired.
michelle
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m&ms487
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2005 7 January :: 8.43pm
:: Mood: anxious
So I just gave a huge part of myself to a group that I barely even trust. I guess you just have to do some things. I guess I just had to say some things. I took the step, as scared shitless as I was about it, but I had to. That's the only way I knew how to trust them. We'll see what happens. We'll see...
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m&ms487
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2005 5 January :: 9.12pm
So much is going on, but still it feels like nothing. Nothing is striking that chord, you know, the one where you're like "this is great, I'll always remember that".
If you don't remember things, then how do you know you really had a past?
You write them down? What if you don't remember writing them? Then, does that mean you never wrote them?
If I am part of everything I have met, yet I don't remember everything I have met, then isn't that like forgetting who I am?
If you are left with no past, no memories, just impulses and thinking, then, are you really a person? Would you do the same thing as you would if you knew of a past?
I need to go to bed before I drive myself crazy.
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m&ms487
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2005 1 January :: 8.07pm
Sometimes you can't always have what you want.
Sometimes people are going to hate you, and you don't understand quite why.
Sometimes people do things you don't agree with.
Sometimes you can't help what you do.
It's all because we are so much more complex than we give ourselves credit for. Sometimes you just have to live with it and get over it. Sometimes you have to stand up and say something. Either way, we are all gone to die in the end. I know this sounds morbid; but who is going to care in another 100 years anyway?
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m&ms487
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2004 26 December :: 6.49pm
:: Mood: drained
:: Music: "Vesuvius" by Frank Ticheli
Everything
It just doesn't seeem all that much like Christmas anymore. I think you need children to make Christmas magical. Other than that, people can just bring you down by being asses.
I've been working a lot lately. I have about 23 hours this week. That's a good $100 in my pocket. I really want to get transferred to another department, or find another job. I like my job to a certain point, and I know how to do it, I think it's just because I'm lazy, or I actually like to be home at night and get my homework done.
I got lots of good Christmas presents; a few books, good smelling things (lotion, candles, perfume..), make up, a tuner/metronome for my flute, food...all that kind of stuff.
We had my Aunt, cousins, and grandparents over yesterday. My cousin was hitting on rueben, it was so cute. He didn't it until I told him, too. He's quite oblivious to things like that I guess. I wasn't mad or anything, I thought it was quite hilarious. She's 12.
Jessie came and spent the night wednesday after my performance with Mrs. Spinella at Dollarville and my Dentist Appointment. All went well.
Solo ensemble is comming up soon. I really hate it. I hate solo ensemble, I really really do. But it's something I have to do for myself. One of those things that you need to do now in order to benefit from in the future. I just have a hard time taking criticism.
I have to work tomorrow and Rueben is comming over tonight again after he gets out of work. I swear I don't know what I would do without that boy. He keeps me sane.
School in a week. Don't want to go back, but I'll have to. It's just the way things are. I've been having dreams about institutionalizations lately. Just the general catagory, with specific examples. All very scary. I think I'm scared of being lost in the crowd...but I still feel safe in it.
Ah well, time will still pass no matter what any of us do.
michelle
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m&ms487
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2004 18 December :: 8.49pm
:: Mood: contemplative
What I learned today
Today was one of the worst days that I have had at work. It sucked driving home in the snow, I my stomach hurts and my legs are tired.
Today was one of the best days of my life, and this is why:
A few days ago I brought my santa hat into the band room so that I could wear it to pep band last night. I've had it for a few years and there are some memories with it (probably some that I would like to forget, but none the less are still there). Yesterday when I got to school, it wasn't there. It wasn't anywhere. I was upset, how could someone steal a santa hat? They're so easy to get, you can get them practically anywhere. I mean, probably even the gas station.
Today when I got to work, all the cashiers had on antler head bands or santa hats, or some such thing. I quietly thought to myself, "I don't have a santa hat to wear, because SOMEONE STOLE MINE!"
When I went up to the podium (at work where they give us our assignments to do for the day) Dawn, the SC (service coordinator, person who tells me what to do) was talking about how some of the cashiers thought it was stupid to where the hats and antlers. I piped up, "Oh, I think they're cute, I would wear one, but i'm not a cashier". Well, Dawn told me I could wear one anyway, and I picked one out, a Santa Hat, not well made, but it would do.
I wore it for a while, and when I went back up to the podium Dawn told me that I could keep the hat. One of the cashiers had bought about 40 hats and antlers for everyone to wear, and was going to let them keep them.
I had a Santa Hat once again, but that's not necessarily what made me happy, or made me write this incredibly detailed (probably boring) entry. I realized this:
No matter what form it comes in, you will always be returned what is yours, from a smile you give to a stranger, money you give to a charity, or from a Santa Hat. Mine just happened to come the next day.
I now have a new Santa Hat, maybe not quite as good as my other, but it will do, and it came with a valueable lesson. I do find it quite ironic, though, that fate chose to show me this using a Santa Hat, a symbol of the most giving and cheerful time of the year.
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2004 8 December :: 3.53pm
:: Mood: creative
I've had Floris stuck in my head all day long. It's such a sweet melody.
When I grow up I want to live in a house overlooking the water and write music. All kinds of music. Beautiful music.
That would be heaven.
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m&ms487
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2004 5 December :: 12.13am
Everyone needs to cry once in a while.
I told him the truth tonight. By the look on his face, I knew it was the right thing to say after debating it all night. I'm happy he knows what he means to me and how much of a difference he has made, to me, and to everyone. I think he knew, but he wasn't quite certain. He told me it meant a lot to him that I told him that. It meant a lot to me, too, to be able to tell him that.
The cast party was a very sad event. Everyone was crying.
We will never forget this. We could never forget this. I never realized how much this had meant to me until tonight. I'm so happy that I was a part of it all. I'm so happy that I was wanted.
michelle
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m&ms487
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2004 4 December :: 10.58am
:: Mood: cold
Happy Birthday to me. I'm seventeen now.
I don't feel much different. Well, maybe a little gray, from all the stage make up that has been applied to my face in the last two days.
If you haven't seen SCROOGE yet, you should go tonight. Last time to see it, folks. It's really a wonderful play, ask anyone that's gone.
Tickets are $7 at the door. Show starts at 7pm. Get there early, word is that tonight is going to sell out.
I'm celebrating my birthday tomorrow, because I have the play tonight, so really, it doesn't seem like my birthday.
I have one more year until I'm 18. That seems really old to me.
Time to leave the past behind, and look for what is in store in the future. My day has been going very good already. My mom bought me a dozen roses. They're beautiful. Tonight after the play Jessie and I are going to get shakes at arby's. Then I have the cast party.
It's been a long week, but the best is finally here, and being with everyone is what has helped me through it.
michelle
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2004 30 November :: 12.10pm
I am such a selfish bitch.
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2004 29 November :: 10.41pm
:: Mood: depressed
At play practice I was very hyper. Now I've crashed into oblivion.
Good night.
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m&ms487
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2004 24 November :: 5.08pm
It's snowing outside.
It was a very eventful drive home this afternoon from play practice. I rear ended a guy at 17 mile road and white creek at the stop light, because, well, my car wouldn't stop. Everything is fine now, though. He just looked at his car, nothing happened because i hit him going like 10 miles an hour, and he drove off, and i drove home going 25 miles an hour.
What a wonderful day.
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