<b>Let your beauty unfold.</b>

:: 2006 15 January :: 7.40pm

Okay so I'm going to try to make this short because I'm about to fall asleep.

Last night I woke up around 4am and I started crying because I couldn't breathe or swallow any liquids. My mom gave me some kind of medicine to calm me down and it wouldn't help so we went to the hospital. When I got there they told her I was dehydrated and they gave me a breathing mask and they tried putting an IV in my arm, but they couldn't find a good vein so they had to keep trying. I was getting so pissed because it hurt so bad. Finally they found one and they had a huge bag of some kind of liquids connected to my IV. They said it would take over an hour to get it pumped into my IV and into me and then they put Steriods *sp* into my IV to take down the swelling of my glands so I could breathe better and apparently I'm allergic to w/e kind it was and I had a major allergic reaction. I almost passed out and then I got all these weird pains everywhere and it felt like someone was stabbing me with all these tiny needles so I was screaming and crying and I really don't even remember what happend after that because they gave me something and it pretty much knocked me right out. I was so scared though. My machines I was hooked to were beeping and I hated being on a stretcher. I seriously felt like I was going to die. Anyways I don't know if I said it or not, but I do have mono so I probably will be out of school for a while. Who knows what's going to happen. I think when my dad walked into my hospital room it scared the crap out of him. When he seen me he just kept looking at everything I was hooked up to and all the IV's and he was like "God this is awful" and I can tell he felt bad because he isn't going to be here for me since he's leaving for Pittsburg tomorrow morning. Oh well though. My mom has to pretty much force me to eat and drink. I can't even stay awake long enough to eat anything, but the doctors said that I have to because all the medicine I'm on right now will make me sick if I don't. But I'm getting too tired so i'm going to go take a nap.

Thanks Stacy, Dani, and Dustin for coming to visit me today. It was awesome. I <3 you!

ashley

Oh yeah and Stacy I don't know why I was thinking about this, but when you seen me today where did you say I looked like I came from..idk it was some movie or something...haha I don't remember what you said, but it made me laugh at the time when you said it.

3 heartless people | crush me

:: 2006 14 January :: 2.20pm

wtf wtf wtf
i hate finding things out..

I was being a bit nebby today and i came acrossed jasons myspace account.. so you know i happened to look in his inbox and sent messages.. and theres this CUTE LITTLE ASIAN GIRL with hardly any clothes on saying 'hey baby, i think your really cute..i came acrossed your myspace and i would like to talk to you so heres my AIM .......' and etc i dunno, wtf? and he REPLIED! saying something like ' ya i think your cute to heres my AIM ........ and hope to hear from you soon' OMFG im so pissed im supposed to go see him sunday and i dont wanna tell him bout the message i had seen..cause he will get so mad at me. but yea wtf? not like my hearts already broken.. i mean its just been thrown on a cutting board and stabbed a few times.. but I WILL BE OKAY! UGH.

it would have been ok if she just sent that and he didnt reply or he did reply and just say ok? hi. BUT NO HE MADE IT LIKE HE WAS INTERESTED!!!!!

:(:(:(

UPDATE

Just got home alittle bit ago.. me and lai went driving around :). thursday and friday nite i stayed at her house and now shes stayin at mine til monday, woo woo. we went to get Jr. Bacon Cheeseburgers. like everyday :P and then we stopped up at my friend gereds house there was supposed to be alcohol lol but u no how it is when parents and friends wont buy it. so we stayed for awhile and left.. man i didnt no people could be so drunk. haha. then we took a cruise through b-ville. and got a drink at subway cause were cool and it was freeeee. but ya good nite!!!! :):):) tomorrow im SUPPOSED to see jason but hes being a queer so i dont no if it will fall through, i just MAY hang out with someone else. so yeah go me?

2 heartless people | crush me

:: 2006 13 January :: 3.12pm

I missed school again today. I've been sick for the past few days, but this morning it was really bad. I woke up at around 3:30am and I had a fever, I thought I was going to throw up, I couldn't breathe, etc so I just started bawling and this morning I wanted to go to school, but then my mom seen me and she wouldn't let me go. We went to the doctors and at first they tested me for strep throat and it came back negative and the doctor said there is also a differen't kind that I could possiably have that doesn't show up on tests, but since they weren't sure they wanted to test me for mono and draw my blood and get a blood count. So anyways my mom and I are sitting there in the doctors office and then my mom was talking on her phone and they have a sign saying that you have to turn your phone off and we were waiting for the lady to come in to draw my blood and I thought my doctor said her name was Dino, but her name was really Dina and anyways I was being completely serious at this time because I seriously thought it was her name and i'm like "Mom, put your phone away, Dino will be here soon" and my mom just busted out laughing and she's like "Dino? Dino is a dinosaur! Her name is Dina, not Dino" and so then I was laughing because thats what I thought her name was and then all of the sudden she walked in and my mom hurried and put her phone away and she hung up while she was talking to my sister and I was laughing hysterically because I knew "Dina" was going to walk in and so then my mom goes "oh sure you laugh about it now but wait until the needle goes in" and she was trying to cover up and make it sound like I wasn't laughing at the lady and then I kept laughing still at how dumb my mom sounded and how she was lying lol. So I was pretty pissed off that they had to draw my blood because I'm scared of needles and it wasn't as bad as I thought but they don't know what I have until Monday. It really sucks because I'll fall asleep and when I wake up I always feel worse than I did before I fell asleep and I just start bawling again. It hurts so bad. I hate this. I hope that I don't have mono because I'm pretty sure I wont be at school for a long long time....

5 heartless people | crush me

:: 2006 12 January :: 2.56pm

You're so predictable no shadow of doubt
when you are suffering know who sold you out
Fuck your opinions
Fuck your lack of spine
When you are miserable
Know that I'm just fine

You go solo
your faggot rainbow
your junkie ego
won't save you this time

:: 2006 12 January :: 10.07am

School. I hate school. I don't want to go. It's lame lame lame.

2 heartless people | crush me

:: 2006 11 January :: 10.41pm

dont stop get it get it. LoL
welp today when i came home from school; i layed down because i have a migrain.. i wasnt so smart today in school, so since i have been down in the dumps alittle i took a break off of my xanx bars and decided to take some vicodine along with aderol (sp?) so yeah, i wasnt the sharpest tool in the shed.. i felt awful. but alaina and mike showed up and they got me out of bed to go with them to drive around and what not.. we smoked alittle and drank a beer or 2. so we just chilled.. i didnt eat anything ALL DAY. so i was sick to my stomach.. after we hung out i came home and i felt like i was going to litterly collaspe. but i guess i will survive HAH! anyways. yeah me and lai are chillin like villians on penicillin cause i dont have school fri or mon. YES GO ME WOOO. so who knows what the dickens we will be up to; im also supposed to see <3jason. but i wanna see jon also. heh i dunnnnnno

everything is so NOT EXPLAINABLE!.
i seriously dont know how to feel anymore.

:: 2006 11 January :: 5.22pm

God, you're pathetic.

I'm in a really bad mood today again and just about everyone is bugging the shit out of me.

Why can't people just mind their own fucking business?

Please stop asking me. It's rude and it annoys me since it doesn't concern any of the people who have asked me in the last week.

School sucked today. My grade in english is now a 93% which isn't bad but I can do better than that and the only reason that it's lower is because we are reading a dumb book and I sleep all hour so she gives me zero's but I wasn't aware that I'm not allowed to sleep considering that I do the homework that's due anyways, but Ms. Eilola just love's being a pain in my royal ass and that's all there is to it.

I feel like crap once again......

4 heartless people | crush me

:: 2006 10 January :: 7.35pm

"Well he looks like a douche bag, should we write that down?"

Haha I love you Stacy. We are such bitches. When he was barking i'm like "Ugh, that makes me sick!"

I was only being honest!

...five million more years until the weekend....

Alriiight....

This whole thing is just inside jokes that only a select few people understand.

We all took our bitch pills today...

And I definitely don't feel good right now and half of my family is sick so I'm going to go take some Nyquil and go to bed.

9 heartless people | crush me

:: 2006 10 January :: 6.40pm
:: Mood: Blah

I realized odds and science are against me
I wish I could give you what you're looking for, but I don't know what it is. There's a part of you that you keep closed off from everyone, including me. It's as if I'm not the one you're really with. Your mind is on someone else.

I'm figureing out that i must not be the material that you need; and i'm not up to your level, honestly it hurts.. but i guess it's how it has to be and something i have to deal with.

I really do miss you..

1 heartless people | crush me

:: 2006 9 January :: 9.13pm

Yay I'm on the internet on my laptop!! How exciting!! I need to download msn messenger though which is going to take five million years. Oh well I'm happy!

:: 2006 9 January :: 8.49pm

I'm in a really bad mood tonight and anyone who talks to me pretty much annoys me.

Tonight when my sister and I were on our way home from shopping she was trying to do something to my mirror and I wasn't paying attention since I was driving and she pushed the on*star button because she didn't know what it was and that was a bad idea lol. My radio all of the sudden turned off and then this weird music started playing and then a lady started talking to us and I didn't know what was going on and she was going to send help but then we said it was an acciden't and she said something to us and she turned it off, but it was pretty hilarious.

School is so stupid I just want it to be the weekend again. I always have fun on the weekends.

My sister Danielle dyed her hair dark brown so now we have the same hair color and now all I keep hearing is how we look like twins....

And Stacy was everyone being serious when they said were hanging out with Big Nasty this weekend? Haha I love Ben he's so cute!

I know this is hurting you but it's killing me.

1 heartless people | crush me

theedgeofyouratmosphere

:: 2006 9 January :: 4.15pm
:: Mood: melancholy

I get knocked down; but i get up again.
you know i seriously dont care anymore.. but its funny cause i say i dont but i really do.. cause just a few things bother me. but oh well i guess its a part of life. im just tired of hurting anymore with friends, family, lovers, haters.. wtf whatever; anything. i just wanna be smiling. all i do is sleep anymore; noone ever wants to do anything and thats fine.. i got used to not doing so much of anything anymore so all i like to do is lay around and sleep. jasons not here so i have nothing to do and it bothers me to see him not with me. i dunno mabey i should let go or stay up and put up with this fight and try. but im not willing to let go yet; and i dont tend on wanting to. he told me if something better comes along, take it rochelle well what the piss, i dont think anything is going to come along and it isnt like i want it to. i just dont know EVERYTHING and i mean EVERYTHING is so fucked anymore. i just want it to be the way i feel it should be

My Goals after high school..
: Moving out
: Attending a school in Colorado
: Getting a job
: Finding my own place
: Meeting new people
: Graduate from the school
: Come back home for alittle while
: Get Engaged/Married (mabey)
: Have 1 or 2 rugrats (mabey)
: Get a better job
: Have Nicer things

thats all i think about
i dunno mabey im crazy; mabey the whole school thing isnt me. i mean the only reason why i stick around in HS is so i can get into that school in CO. and make my mother proud. bleh i dunno. er
:

:: 2006 8 January :: 3.31pm

What did you say...that you only meant well and this is supposed to be for the best.

This isn't what we need..but you decided this.

Well last night..on the way to Stacys house I was in the front seat and Danielle was driving and Sam Foley and I were talking and she was saying what if a bloody guy just walked in the road and we hit them and all of the sudden something ran in the road and I wasn't paying attention and Danielle started swerving all over the road and I just seen this huge shadow and I don't even remember what happend after that but when it was done and over with Sam and Danielle said I was screaming bloody murder but I don't really remember because I was so scared we were going to crash and die. That would probably be unfortunate.

Somehow when I'm with Danielle, we almost always die. One of the days we probably will.

We went to tgi fridays again last night even though I was just there with Em, Logan, and Justin and I had to get the cheesecake again. It's sooo good.

Well I hope everyone had a good weekend but Em just called and wants to hang out tonight so were going to go out with Logan and Justin so I'll ttyl.

Ohh I'm so glad Devin finally skanked for me and Sam lol.

8 heartless people | crush me

:: 2006 8 January :: 1.09pm

lastnite i went out on a date with this kid jon. i dunno it was ok i suppose. i just thought about jason the whole time and thats all that ran through my mind. i dunno im pathetic. but ya me and alaina just hung out and shit. just goofed around & had a good time..haha

i love it how my 'friends' like always have something better to do than do anything with me.. its like im not being a baby but forreal i ask em' all the time HEY! u wanna do something? and there like no i cant or some bullshit and then they go out with someone else or something.. wtf, whatever

GOSH, EVERYTHING IS SO FUCKED ANYMORE i cant take it, im seriously about to crack.