theedgeofyouratmosphere
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2007 12 July :: 10.07pm
i feel bloated today, just like lastnight.
and the feeling has yet to go away,.
i've been pretty emotional.
and all i did today was sit around and earlier i watched Gab for alittle bit. (my friend Jena's daughter) shes precious.
other than that giant eagle and i just drank koolaide and watched re-runs of greys anatomy. i just don't feel well today. i feel like complete shit.
=(
1 heartless people |
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loserxdork
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2007 10 July :: 1.34pm
Things are ok. I'm really frusturated with everything going on but I shouldn't really be complaining. Got a new job, sooo sad to leave my old one but it's ok. Probably starting my new job the end of this month because they have to wait for the background check, and fingerprints and everything so I have time to move to my grandfathers. Hopefully starting school in August, well, the end of August so that'll be really good. A year after I start working at this job I can probably go into partnership with her when she opens up a daycare and that would be amazing, yeah. Not really much else is going on. Things with Joe & I are going well. He got a job, he hates it but whatever, he'll live.
Just wanted to update so that everyone knew I was alive and whatnot. I'm at the library, then I'm making a copy of my social security card.'
Bye.
2 heartless people |
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theedgeofyouratmosphere
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2007 7 July :: 8.28am
:: Mood: sad&pissed
i'm honestly hurting inside.
lastnight was awful. its just ripping me apart.
i never do anything wrong.
and then this morning. it just doesn't get better.
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theedgeofyouratmosphere
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2007 30 June :: 10.09am
lastnight was cool i guess.
we finally got alittle bit of money so that took tension off the bills being payed and what not. and a little extra for whatever. its nice. i hate being so poor :(
he bought himself a case of beer (my boyfriend) and basically got drunk and smoked. we had some company, doug and hoagie came twice. then ben and some crackwhore came to buy some green off Lance. ben smoked alittle with me.
i know i should stop but i smoked all day yesterday; i kinda needed it i've just been so down and stressed and everything, just needed something for my nerves. cause trust me if i could drink i would LoL.
9 heartless people |
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theedgeofyouratmosphere
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2007 27 June :: 6.36pm
:: Mood: i don't know how i feel.
it's never ending..
its a never ending cycle.
i just want one day where nothing goes wrong.
i spill my heart of for this man. and it hurts so much when he talks down to me, i never ask for anything but him to chill out or just love me. and sometimes i don't think he loves me by the way he acts, he'll respond to me all meanly even if i was being a sweetheart to him. and then if we argue i feel so small and i'm always fit out to be wrong. why can't we be fine? he says from day one i supposively fucked shit up. like for him and his friends, girls and whatever else. well you did this to me, i'm pregnant with your kid, and all i want is for you to be considerate for my feelings and be there for the new life form.
i love lance with all my heart, i just wish everything would be okay and i'm so emotional anymore it just makes it worse and i sicken myself so bad, i'm gettin fat i'm getting insecure i'm getting sick of myself. all i want to do is massive amount of drugs, i wish i could have my medicines because it seems like this shit is taking over; and i can't take any of them i just want to feel okay and be happy. and if thats impossible i atleast don't wanna feel anything... no pain... i mean is it so wrong to ask of favors from the one you love? and they aren't really favors just things to make our family go well and be happy. my dad was never there and i don't want my child to have to go through all the bullshit and despair that i had to endure, its the worst thing in the world and i always felt bad for my mother who was a great mom and had to do everything on her own just to make sure i had food, clothes and a roof over my head. it hurts to just think about it.. i just hate all this fighting its starting to go down and i don't want that to happen, i love Lance more than anything and everything and i would do fucking absolutley EVERYTHING/ANYTHING for him. he's my world. i'd seriously be lost without him. i'm just scared sometimes that when the baby comes i'll be all alone, cause thats what it feels like now.. i don't have friends, i dont have anybody to talk to really and i'm just so depressed and i'm breaking down so badly. i have nowhere to turn besides my mom, and i already know shes there for me but not always when i need her, she has her own life too now, i was the one who moved out and got my life situated and i understand;; i just want a friend. a good friend i can trust, sure i can talk to lance but i just feel so small sometimes because you can tell he gets mad or i make him mad.. and i never mean to do that,.. i'm so fucking upset right now.. i honestly don't know how to put anything.. i feel so wrong. am in the wrong? for wanting everything to be peachy and have a great family? a loving one? IS IT SO FUCKING WRONG? i have a doctors apt tomorrow to hear the babys heartbeat.. and i don't have anyone to go, i'm just about to cancel it because this whole thing is scary but exciting at the same time.
2 heartless people |
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theedgeofyouratmosphere
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2007 25 June :: 9.34am
sorry everyone who reads what i post
i haven't really been able to type on here.
but now i can! =)
nothing really has been going on besides cleaning and what not for inspection the other day, and they didn't even come back to fix anything.. and i want my cat back! i'm just scared they'll come when it comes home and i'll be like wtf..
been like 4 days geez.
i've been emotional lately. like very emotional. sometimes i can't STAND myself. i let everything get to me, even if it's stupid.. and i just think everyones inconsiderate of my feelings.
like i always think Lance is yelling at me, when really he's just talking or sometimes he does come off mean, and i don't know why, i'm nothing but nice to him. but then he gets all cute again and everythings okay.. i don't understand i just think it's alllll meeeeeeeee.
i'm trying to come around with all the family, like his mom and brother n them, but theres so much family on his dads side i have yet to met ya know? and he still has to meet some of mine, even though i don't really want him to meet my dad's side or him.. LoL .
anyways i've been bumming it lately, my pants are gettin tighter.
im broke.
and im lonely sometimes cuz lance goes to work.
i would work but i plan on doin it after the baby, so hopefully i can get like unemployement or something? gaahhhh
but like i said, nothing new, no not now not ever! LoL.
1 heartless people |
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theedgeofyouratmosphere
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2007 8 June :: 11.33pm
:: Mood: content
:: Music: dead presidents - hip hop
11:33pm and i think i have some names in mind.
If it's a boy; Kaden.
If it's a girl; Chanel.
now those aren't forsure but it's been lingering among me. so we will see.
anyways, it's friday and i'm bored as fuck and hungry as hell, i might eat a bowl of reeses puff's cereal, YUMmm! :)
nothing went on today it stormed all crazy though, kinda scared me! i thought the power was gonna go out, but it turned out to be a blow over really and just effects from other areas where they were gettin' hit. sucked though, but atleast it rained.
then doug came and chilled for a min with my boo* he took off and now hes just playin socom and i'm on here like a loser, cuz i'm alil stoned *eekk* and tired and boredddddddddd. someone help me? LoL
my mother gave me a few bucks today.. i needed a few grocerys cause my cubberts are bare. lol well not all the way but enough to where you cant put anything together; but were fine now thats to her. thank heavens.
i could go for some icecream right about now. or tomorrow, so jena wanna go? :)
1 heartless people |
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theedgeofyouratmosphere
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2007 5 June :: 5.20pm
:: Mood: tired.
alot of things have changed in my life.
i'm on my own now, and yes i do miss my mothers house alon with my sister... i basically dropped outta school and i'm going to get my G.E.D and hopefully get a job in the near future. i live with my boyfriend. and where going to have a baby.. i'm like 3 months.
hopefully it's a boy. hehe, i do need help picking out names though, i can't seem to find one at all and i can't find a girls name either. moneys of course.. TIGHT. but we live and survive to the fullest. i'll deff be updating my journal now since i finally got the net today, SHIBBY! LoL ANYWHO. i'll attend tomorrow. <3much love.
1 heartless people |
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xxinterrupted
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2007 9 May :: 8.01pm
:: Mood: bored
New myspace.
clicky here to add me!
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loserxdork
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2007 8 May :: 8.12pm
:: Mood: blah
I never update here anymore, cause no one ever reads this. I feel that honestly when I update I'm updating for myself because people BARELY comment or read. I'm a pretty busy person but basically I try and get on once a week to comment on all the recent entries. I don't know, I kinda just feel that updating this is pointless.
5 heartless people |
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swimfan14
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2007 21 January :: 3.03pm
It doesn't matter that he didn't mean it.
I still think it's true...
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loserxdork
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2006 5 December :: 11.42pm
:: Mood: frustrated
Sooooooo I've sent countless emails to many people for babysitting positions and I'm just waiting on getting replies, I've looked into live in positions as well so that way I could move out of the house, and that would be nice. I'm not getting my hopes up though. All I really need to make is like $250 a week and I should be ok. I put an ad up on craigslist too and hopefully that brings a few responses. I made a channukah list which consists of:
1.a pair of uggs
2.the rent soundtrack
3.panic! at the disco CD (which my moms ex boyfriend broke)
4.the movie patch adams
5.the movie jack
6.the movie click
7.giftcards to stores
8.a juicy tracksuit, or just the hoodies
and I haven't really though of much else yet.
So, I'm waiting on my capital one card to see if I get accepted and I applied for a bloomingdales card so I can get 10% off when I shop. I feel bad cause I told my sisters that I would get them uggs for channukah and if I don't get a job before then I definitely wont be able to afford them but whatever, it isn't my fault, my dad had to fire me righ before the holidays.
You wanna hear something really fucked up? The day my dad fired me, like, before we got to work, he let me buy him breakfast. HOW FUCKED UP IS THAT? Whatever.
My mom wants me to see a psychiatrist and I should go but I don't know, I guess I will, whatever.
That is all for now, kinda tired so I'm gonna get off the computer soon.
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loserxdork
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2006 16 November :: 3.38pm
:: Mood: calm
Happy 18th birthday to me!! ♥
6 heartless people |
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swimfan14
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2006 14 November :: 8.23pm
This is all just a waiting game...
1 heartless people |
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