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2005 13 January :: 4.37 pm
:: Mood: depressed
:: Music: Lisa Gerrard - Laurelei
Okay so I definately over reacted yesterday. I do actually want to remain alive. I mean sure, I hate doctors, I hate pills, and I definately hate doctors shoving pills down your throat with every damn appointment, but that's one of my more infinitesimal problems at the moment.
Today was messed up beyond belief. I woke up and immediately knew something was wrong or something was going to happen. Yet another small problem but growing with the minutes.
Being too emotional at irrational times, another tiny problem.
Still being sick...the least of my worries but one of my greater annoyances.
Feeling like hell, I'll get over it.
Being out on a warm, bright day, slight problem.
Finding out Adam is depressed...big problem.
Bo could be sick, another problem.
But there is a better part of the day.....
No, I lied, today just all around sucks in most aspects.
Run away... |
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2005 12 January :: 1.48 pm
And by the way, I don't hate you, just to clear that up.
You're actually the reason I'm still here.
Run away... |
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2005 12 January :: 1.38 pm
:: Mood: NOT happy
Just give me a damn gun...that's all I ask.
Okay so I'm going to live, I'm on more fucking medication, I'm stuck in a world full of fucking stupid fuckwits! I WISH I WASN'T ALIVE! But of course knowing my luck I'll live until I'm 90! FUCKING DAMNIT I HATE EVERYTHING RIGHT NOW! (Maybe not everything...) I'm going to go scream until I lose my voice and emotionally harm myself until I finally convince my pathetic little brain that all it takes is just one little pull of the trigger, or one nice long slit, or what the hell? Just one quick jab with a sword.
But you know damn well, I'd never do it. Why? Because I've failed at failure, that's why!
I really am the worst fucking thing on this planet.
Run away... |
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2005 10 January :: 5.01 pm
Statements and questions said or asked of me.
"Pretend it never happened, you've never seen it, nor heard it...because you're too afraid to speak of it."
That happens a lot if you stop to think about it. Well, at least I've noticed it does.
"If you truely love them, you should have nothing to fear."
But is it wrong to fear losing them?
"Stop trying to make things right...you only get in the way."
Not surprising.
"If it weren't for you, I'd still be happy!"
Also not surprising.
"Have you ever wondered what people really think of you?"
Nope. I trust their word and if they lie...oh well, at least I'm worth the effort of lying to.
"Do you even care at all?"
If your name isn't Adam, Bo, Carley, or Eric then no, not really.
"If I were to die a horrible, tragic death, right in front of you, would you care then?"
Refer to the above, and actually, I'd probably laugh if I never cared to begin with.
"You're going to hell."
Really? Took you that long to figure it out.
"Why do you love him?"
Oh here we go. First of all "him" has a name, and it's Adam! Now, onwards. Because he's very intelligent, talented, caring, I trust him, I love everything about him, I love his work, I also love his son, he's extremely attractive ;) he's sweet, honest, witty, funny, he makes me smile, he makes me feel like I'm actually someone. Need I continue? No? Ah too bad. Adam makes me feel better, he's kind, he and Bo are worth every second of my time and every last little bit of love and devotion I have in my overly enthusiastic cold little black heart. And believe it or not, there's a lot in there!
And now I'll inform you that, this entire post was just to lead up to that last question and answer.
Run away... |
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2005 10 January :: 4.03 pm
:: Mood: good
Just a piece of a conversation I was carrying on with Eric...he scares me, but he's nice.
PhoenixNaito: So, my mother told you about my issues eh?
Mindsuckr: Aye
Mindsuckr: Feeling better
Mindsuckr: you're alright
Mindsuckr: alive
Mindsuckr: better
PhoenixNaito: I'm alive for the moment, I'll tell you on Wednesday and right now I'm sick.
Mindsuckr: With?
PhoenixNaito: I have no idea.
Eric's a good friend. He's been sick as well, with the same thing I have only he might have a fever, my temperature never exceeds 97 F. I think once it was 94...that was awesome! I love my one thermometer, it only reads out in celcius so it's amusing to see people's faces when they read it. That and leaving an upside down broom with a hanger and fishnet shirt on it in a huge boot (Eric Lite!) sitting in the living room overnight and hearing the hilarious stories of my father thinking it was an alien....I nearly died when I heard that.
Run away... |
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