��AND YOUR MY GOOD FEELING

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��AND YOUR MY GOOD FEELING

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:: 2003 24 December :: 8.07pm
:: Mood: trying to stay calm
:: Music: the christmas music and voices on the TV

i cant wait
i cant wait. i have been doing everything i can think of to keep myself busy so that the day will seem to go by faster. i made a ginger bread house with my grandma and sisters today while my mom wrapped presents. it was really hard getting the pieces to stay together and not fall down. its already falling down...i think by tmrw morning it will be down. anyways my mom just told me to go and set up the air mattress...so i g2g. ttyl.

-ME

:: 2003 24 December :: 7.08pm
:: Mood: excited
:: Music: nothing

FINALLY!!!
i cant believe its finally christmas eve. tmrw is christmas...i have waited all year for this and its finally here. i get to make a gingerbread house today with my sisters and grandma while my mom wraps presents. i dont like gingerbread but i like the cany u put on it. anyways im trying to forget aobut everything bad that has been going on lately and im trying really hard to be happy and not depressed but its not easy. there ia whole big part of me that is happy and excited (not truly happy....the only way i would be truly happy was if i could spend christmas with my family in Maryland and if all my friends were truly happy) but there is a litle part of me that is still sad and depressed and stuff. the depression and sadness isnt as severe as it was before....but i bet it will after christmas. anyways i better go. i gotta take a shower. i will write more later.

MERRY CHRISTMAS (feliz navidad)
-ME

:: 2003 22 December :: 6.07pm
:: Mood: mixed emotions
:: Music: my sisters and my mom yelling

why why why???
omg...why? why are all of my friends having all of these problems? i never thought i would ever have to deal with a suicidal friend or with friends being really depressed(kinda like me). usually im the one really depressed. deep down i am...but my holiday spirirt is showing right now so i will save the depressiveness for AFTER the holidays. im having problems with one of my bestest friends in the world and her pathetic boyfriend. i have a feeling he is gonna hurt her and we dont want that now do we? if he hurts her...i will hurt him (physically and mentally). i have my ways of doing things...and that is one thing i CAN and WILL do if he hurts her. im also really mad at him...he has changed everything. he changed her...and i dont like that. now she is all...different...i liked things how they were before. i wish girls and guys (the ones in my group click thingy) could just be friends and not have feelings for each other. it wouls seriously cut down the drama. but noooooo, tings have to be difficult and drama filled. anyways i also feel bad for my other friend. she is going through hell riht now...with her "unnamed buddy" and all the stress is really breaking her down. all this stress is breaking me down too but im not worried about myself...just her. i wish things would just ease up a bit. anyways i gotta go. i have to do a major cleaning job on my room. ttfn.

-ME

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:: 2003 20 December :: 11.32am
:: Mood: blank
:: Music: nothing

i want presents
hey everyone. i cant wait itll christmas!!! fun fun fun. i am going to my aunt's house today. i get to eat and i think i get presents. nothing better than early presents. anyways im so bored. well my cousin is here so i better go. ttyl.

-ME

:: 2003 19 December :: 7.42am
:: Mood: anxious
:: Music: another AFI song stuck in my head

hopefully...
well u all know that right now everything in my life is screwed up. okay maybe not everything but u get the point. im actually looking forward to school today. i cant wait to give my friends their presents and give all my other friends candy canes. yum yum. i just hope that things ease up a little. today is the last day of school before winter break and im so happy. itll give everyone time to relax and take a break. which is something everyone needs (and i dont mean just from school). anyways its almost christmas....YIPPEE!!!!!!!!!!! i cant wait. except for the fact that i have to give up MY bed on Christmas Eve. my grandma gets to sleep in MY bad and you know where i get to sleep?!?! the floor. i get to sleep on the god damn floor on a stupid air mattress. JOY!!! (not) anyways i haveta get ready for another day at school. ttyl.

:: 2003 18 December :: 4.09pm
:: Mood: shitty
:: Music: i have an AFI song stck in my head...doesthat count???

i feel like crap...
hey. just so u know i feel like crap. not because im sick but cuz right now...my life is shit. everyone is mad at each other for some reason or another. im mad at my ex-boyfriend (my best friends boyfriend now). because of him my best friend has changed comletely. she ignores us, its like her whol god damn life revolves around him, she shows off in front of him. everything she used to be she's not anymore. she never used to ignore me when i was talknig to her unless we were goofing around. now if im talking to her and danny walks up she will look at him and just totally tune me out. and im sick of it. its all HIS fault. ever since they started going out she has been totally different. she used to call me after school everyday and every common planning day but now she doesnt. and when we do talk shes always going on and on about HIM. and if he gets in trouble or sent to the office or something stupid like that (which he does a lot and 99.9% of the time its on purpose.) everyone freaks out. its like the whole world revolves around him. i cant even walk to class with her by myself now because HE is always there. I HATE THIS. i mean im happy that she has finally found someone but ya know... an when i told her i might be moving she got upset and all but like five minutes later it was like she didnt care. brian is making things hard foe me because he always wants to put his arms around me and stuff even tho we arent going out. he follows me to every class and always wants to stand next to me or sit next to me at lunch. if im mad he wont leave me alone about it and he is bugging the crap out of me. but i dont want to hurt his feelings so i just live with it. why why why????? i hate this. i really need to talk to brittanie about it but she fucking ceel phone isnt on and nobody is answering her phone. i even tried calling brian and he isnt home. everyone keeps asking me why im mad at danny. that get so annoying after te first ten times yur asked. and then when i tell them they look all shocked and say "what did he do?" or "why are you mad at danny? he didnt doo anything" god dammit. he isnt perfect and the god damn earth doesnt revolve around him. and if ppl dont stop acting like that...then im gonna go crazy. anyways i guess i will go. im gonna go to the BX to do some last minute christmas shopping. ttyl.

:: 2003 17 December :: 8.01am
:: Mood: like a horrible person
:: Music: nothing

i feel awful...
yeah i know most of u guys dont care about me and brian but oh well. i have been thinking a lot about this and i dont like him. i dont know why i dont feel the same way about him as he feels about me but i just cant. he is the sweetest guy ever and everything but i just cant like him. i thought i did at one point but it turned out that i didn't. he's in love with me. he told me yesterday, how anyone can fall in love with me i have no clue. i feel so bad tho because i really really like him as a REALly close friend...just not as a boyfriend. i feel awful...like i did something wrong. its just that i cant be something that im not...and i cant love someone that i dont. i love him as a friend...but nothing more. anyways im hungry so i g2g. ttyl.

:: 2003 15 December :: 8.19am
:: Mood: confused
:: Music: nothing

why is life so confusing?!?!
omfg. my life is just so confusing right now. i think i may be in love but i dont know. i dont know what to do about my friends. i am so worried about them. my friend blondie is really having problems right now. she needs help but i dont know how to give it to her. my other friend is suicidal and im REALLY worried that she is gonna actually really try to do it and not just cut herself but ACTUALLY do something major. i want to get her help but i cant because i dont know everything because im not with her everyday. im worried about my friend Brian. he is so depressed. he says that when he is with me he isnt but i can so tell he is. if i look him it breaks my heart because he is so much pain. i made him swear he wouldn;t hurt himself anymore and he hasn't in a long time. my friend abby is being really bitchy. she is being really mean and im not the only one who sees it. right now im not worried about myself...im only worrie about my friends. i just want everybody to be okay and happy. its really hard for me to be happy when none of my friends are. im really worrie about everyone. i just really hope everyone will be okay.

:: 2003 14 December :: 8.58am
:: Mood: confused
:: Music: the sound of my sister running down the hallway

OMFG
this weekend has been a pretty good one. i went to the school dance on friday, it wasnt all that great but oh well. then after that i went and spent the night at sara's house and we had so much. at least i did. we screamed and laughed so much. it was sop fun. we went on a wlak when it was dark and there was this group of teenagers getting high and wasted at this one house. they told us to come over to them...we didnt...but they asked us if we smoked and we said no...and we walked away. then they said "bye wel love you." it was freaky but SO FUNNY at the same time. the girl was so wasted it wasnt even funny. after that we went back to her house and stayed up till like four. it was fun. then at lik seven in the morning courtney decides to get up and try to wake us up. we woke up for like two seconds then went back to sleep. then at ten she decides to try again. she sat on blondie and poked her and kicked her and yelled. but sara pretened to sleep. blondie was NOT happy at all when she got up.after ronnie left blondie and i went to the park and watched tv and she hung out. after i went hom i didmy homework and talked to brian for 4.5 hours. it was great. he told me he loved me and that i was beautiful so many times. he is so sweet. and the wierd thing is...we arent even going out...yet. i think i am starting to like him. he has like me for a while and i never really liked him the way he liked me...but i think im starting to now. oh crap!!!! my friends are gonna HATE me if i go out with him. oh well even if i do start to like him i wont tell him or anybody so then they won bug me about it. anyways i g2g. ttyl.

-ME

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:: 2003 11 December :: 8.37am
:: Mood: empty
:: Music: Hot Hot Heat-

i dunno
i dunno how i feel right now. i am so confused. im trying to sort everything out. one of my REALLY good friends has a MAJOR crush on me and i dont know what to do about it. he tells me how much he likes me ALL the time and i dont know. i dont like him the way he likes me...i dont really know who i like. plus i am worried about my friend. who is suicidal and i dont know what to do about it. im afraid to talk to them about it. anyways im just a mixture of feeling right now. plus for some reason i have the empty feeling inside of me and i dont know why. i am SO confused right now. any ways im gonna go and think about my issues. TTFN.

-ME

:: 2003 9 December :: 7.40am
:: Mood: confused
:: Music: nothing

why is life so hard?
why does life have to be so hard? why cant it be easy and not cause everyone so much pain? my life right now is a living hell. all my friends are upset about something, im worried about my friends being suicidal, im worried about my grades, im worried about everything. i can only talk to a few of my friends about this cuz the other ones wont understand. i spent 2.5 hours instant messaging with Blondie last night, and we talked about suicidal ppl and how most ppl we know think its a big joke. i cant believe ppl think its a joke. its not. its a really serioud thing that should be taken seriously. anyways im gonna go now. ill write more later. ttfn.

-ME

:: 2003 7 December :: 6.52am
:: Mood: hyper
:: Music: nothing

blah blahblah blah blah
hiya!!! im so bored. i have nothing to do. anyways i am so hyper. i went to Round Table and ate like 3 or 4 packets of sugar. it was good. yeah i had a soccer game today and we won 1-0. it was sooooo muddy, but it was soooooooo fun. well i better go. ttf.

-ME

:: 2003 6 December :: 6.54am
:: Mood: drained
:: Music: nothing

blah
hey. i havent posted in a while. okay it hasnt been that long but ya know. anyways i had 2 soccer games and it was sooooooo muddy. but it was awesome. I HAD SO MUCH FUN!!!!!!!! i went to a gooser concert on Friday. it was sooooooo fun. they are so awesome. im in love with the singer/rythm guitarist and the bass player. so hot yet so unreachable. anyways i better go. ttyl.

-me

:: 2003 5 December :: 7.37am
:: Mood: bored
:: Music: nothing

HIYA!!!
hey!!! i feel so much better now that i have broken up with my boyfriend. i feel...free again. and i love it. i am gonna flirt with so many guys today...just because i can. i know that sounds mean but if you were me you would do the same thing. anyways im most likely going to a GoOsEr concert tonight. its thie CD release show. I CANT WAIT!!!!! well i should probly go. ttyl.

-me

p.s. one more thing make sure you read the poem in my last entry. i didnt write it, my friend did but its a kickass poem.

:: 2003 4 December :: 8.43am
:: Mood: blank
:: Music: nothing

stuff
hey. today wasnt such a bad day. school went okay...ish. it was kinda awkward because i broke up with my boyfriend but ya know...i lived. i feel kinda bad for doing it, but its a lot better now. im not as depressed and stuff. my life can still suck at times but ya know. n e ways you all have to read this. my friend wrote it.

>>looking out at the fog and rain,
re-living the horror again and again,
the sounds and screams of what was lost,
that night, filled with the moonlit frost.
and many people who didnt care,
cried as they saw her lying there,
wiped that tear off of their cheek,
for all the times they called her a freak,
a moron, a useless being, a bitch,
sad and alone, a grumpy witch.
a razor blade had been secretly hid,
so no one would know the things that she did.
secrets are told on the sides of her arms,
as she told everyone that it did no harm.
full of depression, anger, and hate,
nobody realized til it was too late,
too bad sewacide was her fate.
i just wish that some one knew,
maybe this nightmare wouldnt come true.

---isnt that awesome. i love it. anyways i better go. i have stuff to do. ttyl.

-ME

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:: 2003 4 December :: 11.05am

hey everyone i know i just posted a couple minutes ago but i just wanted to ask a question.
Why is there so much pain in the world?
if u can answer this leave me a comment cuz i could really use some advice/help right now.

"Girls hurt more but boys hurt longer"

:: 2003 4 December :: 7.34am
:: Mood: distressed
:: Music: Linkin Park

good morning!
good morning! im bored. im getting ready for another stressful day. joy! anyways maybe, hopefully, this day will go okay. i hope you all had/have a good day. i dont have much more to say so i guess i will go now. so ttfn.

-me

:: 2003 3 December :: 6.48am
:: Mood: blah
:: Music: nothing

confoozled
hey. i am so confused. okay im have a boyfriend and he thinks i like his best friend. well i dont like him, we are just SUPER close friends. everyone (including my boyfriend) say that my face "lights up" whenever he comes around. i dont get that. i was talking to blondie and she said that he is being jealous. and im starting to believe it. i mean he freaked out when i walked to my class alone. i HATE not being able to ever be alone in my free time at school. i need alone time too, i give him loads of alone time to run around with his friends and stuff but he flips out if i leave for a couple of minutes. jeez, i hate overprotective boyfriends. im not trying to sound like i hate him or anything but im just frustrated and in a bad mood. well before i say stuff i regret im gonna go now. so i guess i will ttyl. ttfn.

-me

p.s. if u have any comments and/or advice PLEASE feel free to leave a comment.

:: 2003 3 December :: 4.49am
:: Mood: blank
:: Music: none

boredom
hey. okay i have more time to write now. i was in a hurry last time cuz i had to leave for school or i would have been late. couldnt do that now could we. im so bored. i have nothing to do. my sisters are watching the fairly odd parents so i cant watch TV and i dont want to sit in my room all alone cuz i will go insane if i do that too much. anyways my day wasnt as bad as i thought it would be. besides the fact that my friend Abby is mad at me. i will explain why she is mad at me later. i dont feel like doing it now. n e ways im gonna go now. im gonna instant message blondie. TTFN.

much love,
me

:: 2003 3 December :: 9.54am
:: Mood: apathetic
:: Music: nothing

hiya!!!
hiya ppl. i just started this and my friend Blondie is gonna be very happy that i did. well i would write more but i dont have time. i haveta go to school. (yuck!!!) lets pray today doesnt totally SUCK!!!

more later

-me

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