::
2004 21 January :: 5.59am
:: Mood: aggravated
:: Music: the song stuck in my head
i kinda miss reid.. but then again.. i kinda dont... softball try outs have been going on...i did pretty well until today when i messed up my ankle again. it hurts and its swelled again.. i got straight as on my report card.. go lauren!! oh yeha1 hailey is the one who fixed my journal!! everybody should tlel her thankyou!!! put a comment in mine and im sure to tell her to read it cuz she dida good job... hahahaha i couldnt be that smart... hummm i actually got rid of the one icon att the top too!! hahaha... i kinda want it bak but then again i dunno.. it needed a chage... i hurt like likea mofo!!! oh... wes is ALL voer this one girl.. im just like.. i dunno.. i mean i dont like him that way but it ticks me off... i dont kno why.. juss everytime he talks abotu this chick and some mcdonald chick.. i juss wannt to rip his dick off so he cant do anything.. lol sry im juss in not such ag ood mood riite now..
anyway, i dunt kno.. lots of stuff going in my life.. i mean i got alot on my mind that i cant sort out. im just happy i did good on my port card.. only 10 other people in 9th grade ib got straight as... YAY
im out
call me
Lauren
560-2738
::
2004 21 January :: 8.36am
:: Mood: chipper
:: Music: further seems forever, the legendary
Summer is gone and winter is never too far now, but there you come with a smile that'd send any man to his knees and I feel I've begun now that we're one now I graciously add you to my heart...
i seem to be at a loss of words at the moment, i would usually be writting of the foolish events that occured yesterday, but something more exhilerating has come up...
i guess sometimes you can have your cake and eat it as well
::
2004 19 January :: 2.54pm
:: Mood: disappointed
:: Music: further seems forever, against my better judgement
Everybody's waiting for that something they can hold onto, while tripping over our own words to self-dug graves for an excuse to fall, becuase every failure's just as sweet as the last...
went for a walk early this morning
havent had ample time to come to conclusions or decide upon my next reposition, always two steps ahead with no farther to step, maybe retracing the steps, taking a thorough look at what went astray is the premium resolution to this situation, i have been asked upon to make not only one, but two verdicts, i know which one holds priority and evidently what to answer, but how am i to answer? the uncertainty remains..
i should really not even be updating on here, i am avoiding confrontation at all costs, if admitting to the problem is the first step what occurs after you have admitted to it, how do we go about solving it? striving to know all through questions isnt my idea of an enticing journal entry, in point of fact, not one single entry is what i would reflect on as being provoking, i pity the fool that reads these strewn, ambiguous thoughts, they arent worth taking in to consideration, should be disregarded in full
this seems to be the age of dramatics, each and everyone of us, i not an exception, promotes our misery to others, declaring that we are lonely and have a troubled life only to engage in a conversation where another being is remorseful, we must think only of ourselfs and take advantage of the pathetic souls that have their heart on their sleeve, those who are apologetic and repentant, i in particular arent keen on distributing my apologies, i dont want to be felt sorry for and dislike it when people utter that they are sorry, i dont need nor want your remorse, i loathe the very thought of it, if the truth be told i will almost certainly have an aneurysm the next time someone tells me that they are sorry
i have been told that i dont open up to anybody, i dont confide in one lone person all my secrets, the way i think, my opinions and such, i have been told as well that i should open up to someone and that my way of thinking that the less people know the better it is, is wrong, who's the pessimist now? i believe i know everybody just well enough to know if i could get to know them, i suppose one day i will break down and someone might recieve a straight answer, i have also once been told "a straight answer indicates that the person you're dealing with wields no power", those are words of wisdom comrades, maybe we should decrease the amount of telling and enhance the amount of listening we do,and to finish this off, on the happiest thought of all, this is dedicated to that distinct being who i tend to think of without hesitating...
::
2004 18 January :: 7.46am
:: Mood: cryie
:: Music: the song stuck in my head
me and reid are over.... have been i guess.... i dont kno.. can't stop crying.. "we shoudl just be friends".... and hes at his ex's house... it figures. you love someone and POOF. it all goes..
callme please..
::
2004 18 January :: 6.49am
:: Mood: distressed
:: Music: not a girl, not yet a woman
hey... today kkinda sucked.. went bowling.. robert saafeld talked to me just to get heathers #... ahsley spent the weekened.. AGAIN with monica.. it kinda sucks when u lose one of your best freinds.. i mean we dont even talk anymore.. seh doesnt call me.. it juss... i dunno maybe i juss got reid on my mind a lil too much... he got drunk again lat nite... i just want to see him... i feel like crying.. i dont kno.. i wanna see him.. havnt seen him.... need to see him.... i got my celly back... finally. oh well.. its kinda dumb.. wes got his phn broken..i dont feel like calling alot of people actually.. i htink its poinless... try outs start tomorro.. im not sycked anymore.. dont kno why either... i think i juss need some sleep. i dont kno.. i feel so..
BLAH!
anyway, i got straight As on my report card.. again... As for the quarters.. ABABABA for my tests and As for the semester... haha thats the pattern the tests grades were too. lol i thought that was funy. well.. i gues sima go... wish me luck
love always
Laur.
560-2738 i needa talk to someone
::
2004 17 January :: 9.10pm
:: Mood: apathetic
:: Music: further seems forever, blank page empire
Thoughts pass by like a river flow, must be hard to keep track where you came from, i float down and stand right next to you but something is causing a lull in the traffic, the grass overgrown...
+ Basics +
Are you emotional ::
i suppose so
Do songs make you cry? If so, name a few ::
the ataris, looking back on today, something corporate, i want to save you, and the all ameircan rejects, too far gone
What about movies ::
tuck everlasting, life or something like it, big fish
What emotion do you usually feel ::
i would like to think happiness
+ Sadness +
What does it take to make you cry your heart out ::
if only i knew
How many times have you done that ::
unmentionable amount of times
Where do you cry ::
on the dock overlooking the lake when taking my dog for a walk, that i seldom do
Do you hate crying ::
not at all
Do you like it when others cry ::
no, i dont know how to respond to it
Do you think tears make eyes look pretty ::
somewhat, but the redness effect doesnt appeal to me
Who looks good when they cry ::
maria
How else do you express sadness ::
i write all that i am feeling down
Are you sad all the time ::
couldnt say that i am
+ Anger +
What does it take to make you mad ::
not all too much, i seem to have a short temper
What do you do when you're angry ::
act not as i would want to, give short ignorant responses to those closest to me
How short is your temper ::
shortest it could possibly be
How long does it take you to calm down ::
longer than i would like it to be
What's the worst thing you've done when you were mad ::
stated hurtful words, causing others to do respond in unimaginable ways
Do you freak out when others are angry ::
not really, i tend to ignore it
Has anyone ever recommended anger management to you ::
no
What's the worst thing someone's done to make you mad ::
said no just to prove an insignificant point
Do you anger people ::
most definately
+ Joy +
How often are you happy ::
a considerable amount
What makes you happy ::
clear skyed days, dancing, certain people
What do you do when you're happy ::
cant stop from smiling continuously, dance around my house thinking of that someone
How optimistic are you ::
i see the glass as half empty, come to think of it, the water will evaporate either way.. sigh
Do happy people make you mad ::
constant happiness can seem fake
What's the worst thing someone can do while they're happy ::
tell that one being who isnt at all happy in great detail what made them so happy
Ever been so happy you were dying to tell everyone ::
i dont tell anyone half of what i should
Ever been so happy you cried ::
cant say i have
Do you smile a lot ::
like crazy when i am around certain people
Kiss people a lot::
not as often as i used to
Who really makes you happy ::
..hmm get back to me on that
Do you like doing things for people when you're happy ::
not in particular, but if asked to do a chore of the sorts when i am happy than i am more open to the idea than if not
+ Fear +
What do you do when you're scared ::
look into the distance, cant bother to make eye contact, become jittery
What scares you ::
having to come to a conclusion, for someone to know who i am, exposing my inner thoughts
Do you like scaring people ::
not really
Do you like the trill of being frightened ::
particular thrills, like that of a rollercoaster
Does fear accompany anger in your case ::
angry from riding a rollercoaster? i would think not
Ever been so scared you couldn't breathe ::
havent been that afriad.. well possibly once
How often do you panic ::
only when i am not on schedule.. i manage my time
What's the one thing that scared you more than anything else EVER ::
the thought that my parents had left me
What do you do to calm your nerves ::
close my eyes and take a deep breath before focusing on the event
Do rollercoasters scare you ::
i adore rollercoasters!
+ The strongest emotion +
What song never fails to get your strongest emotions going ::
the ataris, eight of nine
Movie ::
serindipity
Commericial ::
the one for the matrix shampoo, no relation to the moive, reminds me of certain people during a certain summer experience
Person ::
a few that dont need to be specified
Thing ::
walking past someone that you wake up for in the morning to not even make eye contact with them
Sight ::
a couple passing notes in class
Sound ::
my brother watching nickeloden..
Food ::
hmm.. dont seem to have one
Thing you're looking forward to/want ::
i have nothing to look forward to yet
+ What do you do +
When the emotion suck ::
make the rest of the populace feel as i do
When the emotion rocks ::
let everyone know that i am invincable
When there's no emotion ::
entertain myself with a thought provoking film
+ Would you rather +
Never feel again ::
no
Feel loneliness or anger for the rest of your life ::
must i choose?
Be happy forever and never experience bad times ::
no
Cause misery ::
yes..
Feel misery ::
no
Be alone ::
no
Be with everyone you know ::
no, only with that one
+ Who +
Cheers you up more than anyone else ::
sami
Angers you more than anyone else ::
.. possibly me
Scares you more than anyone else ::
no one at the moment
Makes you think about your emotions more than anyone else ::
..nick :/
Makes you really care about how they feel and what they think ::
::
2004 17 January :: 9.10am
:: Mood: thoughtful
:: Music: something corporate, as you sleep
but as you sleep, and no one is listening i will lift you off your feet, i'll keep you from sinking, don't you wake up yet, soon i'll be leaving you, but you won't be leaving me...
there tends to be several matters that are spur of the moment recently, the the last entry is one also, spur of the moment, not exactly categorized as bad if you question me but can be reckless :/
of course, how could you believe a word i say? i may have perceived it not as i should have, and talking assisted me in realizing the factual evidence... i dont want to lose what was there, but it already seems to have been lost, as that solitary black sock that never appears from the depths of the washing machine, will it even be found again? i hope to god it is.. but what i hope even more is that one thing you cant have, i could have it but not as i would want it, only slight modifcations are my suggestion :/
last night i went to bell tower with jeannie, havent gone in the longest time and cant believe that i actually stopped going for a while there, it was a great night the best in what seems to be too long of a time, i was overdue for a great night.. the movie, Big Fish, wasnt particularly difficult to understand but there are hidden metaphors, i guess? that most dont see, im sure that i missed half of them as well, but it was still as excellent as i had been told it was, the night then ended off at johnny rockets! jeannie rocks my lone black sock :)
if true happiness is made of lies, then why arent i the happiest of them all?
::
2004 16 January :: 8.33am
:: Mood: ditzy
:: Music: what dreams are made of
Basics
Name:: Lauren
Birthplace:: Pittsburgh
Birthdate:: 12*8
Current City of Residence:: Fort Myers
Family Members:: 2 sistas, momma, ddadd, nna puppy
Favorites
Color:: pink, blue,
Beverage:: *pop*
Movie:: gone with the wind
Musical:: ?
Board Game:: monopoly
Computer Game:: Alice
Game to Roleplay:: ?
Animal:: horse
Sport:: baseball
Book:: Go Ask Alice
A Day In The Life..
School:: Boring
Typical Mood:: it depends
Usually Found?:: Doin sumpfin *wink wink*
Collects:: Dollz
Have You Ever
Been kissed:: yes
Done drugs:: noope believe it err not
Eaten an entire box of Oreos: nope.
Eaten sushi:: its grose
Been on stage:: yeah
Been in a car accident:: no
This or That
Cold or Hot:: cold
Blue or Red:: blue
Rain or Snow:: snow
Wool or Cotton:: wool
Private or Public School:: public
Chocolate or Plain Milk:: chocolate
Celsius or Farenheit:: farenheit
Spring or Fall:: fall
Science or History:: science
Math or English:: english
"Love Life"
Do you like somebody?:: yeah
Do they know?:: yeah
Do you want them?:: yeah
Are they hot?:: yeah
Random
Who do you e-mail the most?: no one
Who do you IM the most?: Wes.
Who are you talking to now?:: Nick
Are you currently in love?:: i think so.
Is this survey lame?:: no, bored tho.
Isn't bzoink! nifty? =) :: lol nifty isa cool word
In 24 hours have you...
...Showered?:: youd hope so
...Had a serious talk?:: yessum
...Hugged someone?:: yup! im the "lunch whore" lol
...Gotten along with your parents?:: sortA
...Fought with a friend?:: no
...Done something kind for someone?: Yup, I didnt kick him when he threw me in tha trash
Do You Like To...
Give hugs?:: yeah
Give back rubs?:: lol i like to get them
Take walks in the rain?:: yeah when im sad or with ashiee
Cook?:: yeah
Eat?:: yup.
Sleep?:: juss woke up
Who..?
..Knows you the best?:: Libby, n Ashiee
..Have you known the longest?:: Libby
..Do you know the most about?:: Libby
..Do you consider your friend?:: anybody who dont talk shit!
..Is most likely to end up in jail?:: let me not get into that...
..Can you go to with your problems?:: Wes, reid, a bunch o people
..Do you want to get to know better?:: reid
..Do you spend the most time with?:: Janna Pajama!
Have You...
..Been to a concert?:: yeah!! GO backstreet boys
..Loved someone so much it made you cry?:: yeah...
..Cheated on a test?:: yeah
..Ever stalked someone?:: no
..Done something you regret?:: YES big time
..Been in an online relationship?:: no
Random Questions
Single or Hooked?:: To Muh Boi!
What is your worst habit?:: talking back
Scariest moment?:: dunno..
Do you swear too much?:: not really
How do you feel about homosexuality?:: let them do what they want its their life not anyone elses.
Where are you right now?:: in my house
Are you sitting by anyone?:: no
What song are you listening to?:: what dreams are made of.. my sis is watchin lizzy mcguire
What is the last thing you said? shut up mindy
What's on your mousepad?:: some church thing
What are the last four digits of your phone number?:: 1828 n 2738
What was the last thing you ate?:: candies!
If you were a crayon, what color would you be?:: Purple
How many buddies do you have on your list?:: like 180
What's the weather like right now?:: nice
What do you feel like doing?:: eating
What is your favorite quote?:: true happiness is made of lies
::
2004 16 January :: 8.38am
:: Mood: awake
:: Music: blink 182, heres your letter
Im talking to the ceiling my life just lost all meaning, do one thing for me tonight im dying in this silence the last star left in heaven is falling down to earth and, do you still feel the same way.
where to begin?
i havent been able to update my journal is quite a lengthy amount of time, and it seems that i have much to report, but now i am at a loss of words, i dont know how to put this into a comprehendable version.. any suggestions?
how am i to know if the feeling is genuine? i have my doubts but if there is anyway that you could possibly profve me wrong, please do leave a note.. i have my opinions about other things as well, due to a recent phone call i have concluded that this person isnt what i need, persay.. even though they were pre-occupied i noticed that something had changed, no problem there, i am glad that i have finally discovered what i should have in the first place.. but what was it before? and to say that i was the one deciving is not true, among other matters, but who insitgated the deciving, the using, the advantage taking? think about it, not too difficult to scratch the surface..
but one you get below the surface, what else is there to keep you interested, attached? why not lightly scratch and forget about getting attached.. too late for that i suppose
<3 dont kiss me like this unless you mean it like that
::
2004 14 January :: 7.28am
:: Mood: enthralled
:: Music: paper heart
Whooooaa! school was dumb. nuffin happened. messed up all my labs!!! go lauren!! i getta see reid tonight!! HOOORAY!!! he said he'd drive by after work. oh i nseed to see him i NNEED to its sooo importnant... i feel likea lil butterfly riight now. i coul djuss fly!! into the sky!!
I ran up the door, closed the stairs, said my pajamas, and put on my prayers. Turned off the bed, and hopped into the light, all because you kissed me good night!
I LOVE YOU GUYS!! muah MUAH!
~Laur
oh yeah! i gotta get sum teeth pulled! i got 6 braces off!! 2 on the teeth that well are getting putlled out, and then 2 molars on each side totallying 4!! then 4+2=6 teeth w/o braces for now!! if this doesnt work, then i gotta get a surgery... dun dun dun.. lol ok im done love yah MUAH!
::
2004 13 January :: 5.16pm
:: Mood: crushed
:: Music: funeral for a friend, this years most open heartbreak
Broken hearts swept to hands that tied me, its a pointless game what better, lets play suicide, to kiss your kids goodnight, what you take from them, what they've taken from you..
nothing more than to be the last one who will sing you to sleep...
Dont Know The Artist
Hardly
I am a memory,
I never existed
And now I am nothing.
His name, a single word
Melts me, takes me to the ground.
Only alive, can't he see
I'm destroyed by yesterdays.
And do I gain?
I could only Dream
For chance to side with me,
Inquire, ingest, implode.
Let this not be the disassemblance of me.
Another night with arms still empty.
I'm destroyed.
::
2004 12 January :: 8.42am
:: Mood: groggy
:: Music: from autumn to ashes, the second wrong makes you feel right
Helpless isn't the right word but it's the first that comes to mind, theres worse things than being unknown, that was the day i put your picture aside, swallowed the fact that our dream had died...
not much longer until i must resume to the school day and reluctantly concentrate in the next few classes, in fifteen minutes or so i must attend health class, not too interesting, im sure that i know more than the teacher will ever know, but i suppose that he better relates to his students due to his intellectual level, i will probably doze off in a daydream yet again in that class, not looking forward to that
afterwards, i walk alone to my math class, which depressingly is the highlight of my day, followed not long after by an entertaining lunch period and the dreaded french class... that class is usually the worst part of my day, but not on this particular day, once i return home will the dreaded feeling begin, french doesnt even begin to compare to what awaits me once i return, i dont want to make that famous decleration of General MacArthur, "i have returned" ...
first off i havent even begun to think of what i am going to say, any ideas would be greatly appreciated, alright.. so the news has once again started and i must head out, cant wait until next business and technology class when i can update.. :/
From Autumn to Ashes
The Second Wrong Makes You Feel Right
Begin, present, fade out,
Judgement please don't fail me now,
This time, this time
A lesson learned is a picture burned,
You're a memory to me,
Upon ignition come bear witness to the greatest therapy,
Just begin, present, fade out, Swallowed the fact that our dream had died.
Every time you close your mind,
You should be seeing me.
As you lay in bed at night, I'll be there in your dreams.
So sorrows in, in that what you heard?
That you can cash in, on what we wrote,
You're to die for.
Life means more.
Out of sight.
With no light.
::
2004 12 January :: 8.05am
:: Mood: gloomy
:: Music: from autumn to ashes, every reason to
thought about the end today, the last scene ending what is here what is now and all there is to come, no hope for tomorrow, for today on how numb theres one just out of reach...
tragically, i wont be allowed on my computer for the longest time, so i have substituted updating these entries in the comfort of my own home to the nervous environment at school, that isnt the only matter that has gone astray recently, i havent been able to focus on what really is relevant in my life :/
lingering in the back of my mind constantly is the view that you dont begin to realize what is the significance in most situations until you are at the dwindling level that i seem to be familiar with at the time, not aware of what really matters until it is too late seems to apply to every solitary person, even when talking with an unknown someone about their concern of another having lost sight of what they shouldnt have, is a classic example of this at act, that someone is disappointed in one that they would least want to be frustrated in because they arent performing to their capability and tend to run reckless, i might not have gotten the right conclusion from their sayings but it is reflected back to me, it feels like im at an all time low, doing what i have done seems unimaginable now that i have had time to think of what i lost in consistence of what i gained, and i am dissatisfied in myself, the fact is i lost more than i gained...
being the well thought-out person that i am, i have developed a pros and cons list below, which appears to speak for itself, i suppose that one list overflows the other exceedingly, does that say something to you?
Pros
* i am not able to trust anyone
* i have someone that i can speak with about subjects that are important to me
Cons
* i dont concentrate on the most important things
* i lose things that are dear to me because i dont realize what i had
* i never clearly state what i am thinking
* i speak in confusing riddles that no one can comprehend
* i tend to be disobedient and only after do i apprehend my mistakes
* i dont focus in the classes that i need to make an effort in
* i lead people to believe that i am someone that i am not
* i have an addiction of the computer
* i have lost complete trust in those closest to me
* i have lost that one thing most important, that over rules every other con
i like these lyrics...... but before i put them, i went to the mall today. it was great. the one in naples. i went to abercrombie... lol nothing like what i expected. anyway here goes
Hey dad look at me
Think back and talk to me
Did I grow up according to plan?
Do you think i'm wasting my time
Doing things I wanna do?
'Cuz it hurts when you disapprove all along
And now I try hard to make it
I just want to make you proud
I'm never gonna be good enough for you
I can't pretend that I'm all right
and you can't change me
'Cuz we lost it all
Nothing last for ever
I'm sorry I can't be perfect
Now it's just too late and we can't go back
I'm sorry I can't be perfect
I try not to think
About the pain I feel inside
Did you know you used to be my hero?
All the days you spent with me
Now seem so far away
And it feels like you don't care anymore
And now I try hard to make it
I just want to make you proud
I'm never gonna be good enough for you
I can't stand another fight
And nothing's alright
Nothing's gonna change the things that you said
Nothing's gonna make this right again
Please don't turn your back
I can't believe it's hard just to talk to you
'Cuz you don't understand
so you don't hurt so much, never again will the fire be done, no never again your the only one, no never again but you're already gone, im willing to break myself, im not afraid...
someone very dear to me once told me never to put anything in writting, that only regret can come from it, regret seems to be the word of the moment, having been mentioned in the last few entries, it is always the slightest problems that overrule the best things that made the affair worthwhile, i long for it not to be that way, but no one seems willing towards the suggestion of forgive and forget, i fall into that category as well and i understand that i am the one that should be forgotten
that same being mentioned above also stated that it wasnt mine to decide, after an arrogant comment of "i like it better that way", being forgotten, followed not long after by the truth, it wasnt mine to decide, so i best accept it
yes, i hope me mentioning you in an entry makes up for all that i have being doing recently, i know that the one thing you want is to hear that you have some significance in my life, and of course you are the only one who looks for updates constantly, more so.. only one person will find this in relevance, some might arrogantly finalize that they are the one, but ahh dont let it go to your head, you are probably not..
Something Corporate
Break Myself
And now I'm static
As your sky is turning purple and gray
I'm learning that the further that I crawl
The farther that I fall, is that ok?
No
And you're in pieces
As your world becomes a rainstorm
You've got no shelter I'm a thousand miles away
You'll survive the day
You say your leaving
Well, I'm willing to break myself
To shake this hell from everything I touch
I'm willing to bleed for days more reds and grays
So you don't hurt so much
::
2004 10 January :: 3.23am
:: Mood: fuck this shit
i hate this shit.
i cant stand it. reid hasbeen such a dick face lately. i don't know wtf is going on anymore. all i feel like doing is crying. maybe its just my emotions running hay wire. i cant quit crying... i just cant quit crying... why the fuck does he make me feel this way. hes nt helping me at all.. i cant take this shit. theres alraedy enuff going onin my life then worrying about reid. ooooh i just wanna cry. hes been there fo rme threw so much, why the fuck is he quitting now.?!?!?!?
::
2004 10 January :: 1.31pm
:: Mood: numb
:: Music: the ataris, the hero dies in this one
as i sit here all alone, i wonder how im supposed to carry on, when youre gone, ill never be the same without you i loved you more than you will ever know...
havent been able to write in this journal in the longest time
which is unbelievable due to all the happenings that i could write of, but i dont want some to read of them, i dont want anyone to know, nothing more, nothing less, perhaps ashamed? everyday i sat with an intimidating blank screen glaring back at me, but i couldnt bring myself to type of the recent events.. until now
the night before happened to cause sickness upon me, possibly from my mental state, my body reacted matching my mood at the time, i signed offline around nine, im guessing, and went to read more of my book, but it wasnt much longer that i started to shiver, but i couldnt control the temperature, i was boiling, probably had a fever of some sort, yet i was shaking because of coldness.. didnt have that intruiging of a night... sigh, but im glad it happened, assisted me in realizing things that i wouldnt have without it, which is wonderous because i dont like to be assisted, im not exactly a co-dependant person, i must do things by myself, i would never resort to anyone else for their opinion or thoughts or even advice, maybe i should attached myself and get lost in it, i would benefit from it, but the one person that i should have, i didnt, but i did it to myself, over used, but nice for consoling, though it rarely tends to end up this way, they always say "The only thing that matters is just following your heart, and eventually you'll finally get it right."
we ask ourselves multiple questions, all leading back to the primary intense query of why? why did that have to happen as such, what caused it to occur, why couldnt it have been improved, what might have improved it, why must it end this way, why didnt i do this, what happened to that, all regrets and i dont seem to be the only one feeling that way, and there is the most prominent reason of all not to do what i am, another remind not two minutes ago.. it gets to me
The Ataris
The Hero Dies in This One
as i sit here all alone
i wonder how im supposed to carry on
when youre gone.
ill never be the same without you.
i loved you more than you will ever know.
so maybe now you finally know
sometimes were helpless and alone
but you cant let it keep you weighted down
you must go on.
the hardest part isnt finding what we need to be
its being content with who you are.
hi there. last night i went to the movies. it was nice to get out... nothing else exciting has happened since school started up again. i just got up.. oooh it wa snice to sleep in, its alot better ten then whole wake up at 445 deal... i hurt my ankle the other day. i got hit witha softball n it hurt likea bitch n its still swelled and its all bruised. lol can you say.. smart??? i can!!! i actually did pretty good if i do say so myself at the pratice with my dad. we practiced for an hour and half. woohooo!!! me and weston are really good friends now. i dont like him.. that way... anymore. hes so great!! sos igor n people. they all care... its kinda coool, anwyay'
reid doesnt even call me anymore, he forgets about everthing, anytime i call him, hes bizy, any time he calls me its just to talk about his damn truck. im so sick of hearing about his damn truck. ooh i juss makes me wana scream sometimes. how did we go from.. love.. to like.. hate. its so pathetic. i just dont kno anymore. Hmmph... i dont kno. im still tired n i got like... 11 1/2 hrs o sleep. lol...whatever. im guna go now
leeve mea comment!
MUIAH
Lauren
::
2004 7 January :: 7.30am
:: Mood: confused
:: Music: here without you
i dont kno.. for some reason i just have this thing in my stomack.. i mean im crying over lyrics to a song. its pathetic
A hundred days had made me older since the last time that I saw your pretty face
A thousand lights had made me colder and I don’t think I can look at this the same
But all the miles had separate
They disappeared now when I’m dreaming of your face
I’m here without you baby but your still on my lonely mind
I think about you baby and I dream about you all the time
I’m here without you baby but your still with me in my dreams
And tonight it’s only you and me
The miles just keep rolling as the people either way to say hello
I hear this life is overrated but I hope it gets better as we go
I’m here without you baby but your still on my lonely mind
I think about you baby and I dream about you all the time
I’m here without you baby but your still with me in my dreams
And tonight girl it’s only you and me
Everything I know, and anywhere I go
it gets hard but it won’t take away my love
And when the last one falls, when it’s all said and done
it get hard but it won’t take away my love
I’m here without you baby but your still on my lonely mind
I think about you baby and I dream about you all the time
I’m here without you baby but your still with me in my dreams
And tonight girl it’s only you and me
I’m here without you baby but your still on my lonely mind
I think about you baby and I dream about you all the time
I’m here without you baby but your still with me in my dreams
but tonight girl it’s only you and me
i dont kno.. i guess the thing about me not seeing reid is getting to me... school was ok. very very tiring tho. i dont wnt tomorro becaue i hate green days with a passion. i got my comp scanned n spy shit tkain off. lucky me!! well i duno i guess im going.
oh yeha
::
2004 6 January :: 8.32am
:: Mood: curious
:: Music: without you
hi... well, i dunno. tiffany is finally back. i wanted to chill with her this break, but we didnt... humm... i hardly chilled with anyone...
i read this somewhere
Hey again, it's been awhile, well Friday sucked, Lauren S.came over and spent the night, and we went to the movies, that sucked and she hooked up with Jo so she and Carl ended up breaking up and Jo came over the next day and well ewww i dunno what she sees in him, he's...well, he's just ewww. Lauren gets fucked up easily.
i cant tell you where, but i mean do i raelly get fucked up easily? i dont think i do but yah never kno....
humm...school starts again tomorro. im REALLY not looking forward to it. im soo sick of the work but i mean if i wanna excell i needa do work.. correct? yes. whoa i juss used sum pretty big words. lol... lets see... today i went to the mall, mommy bought sum stuff from charlotte russe. umm i was guna buy stuff but well i changed my mind.. oooh im tired.. but i needa stay up to talk to reid... i havnt really talked to him. i mean its only bin.. a couple days since ive seen him but it ffeels like forever. i hate it.. i dont kno its feels like stuff is falling apart with him.. i dont want that to happen. oh yeah, chad is obsessed with janna. lol well not obsessed but helikes her alot. i just hope he doesnt hurt her is all.. im not saying he will n i not saying he wont but i dunno she seems to really like him to, all i can do is hope for the best for both of them right??? well im gunna stop writing, i dont really kno how to orgnize my thoughts right now,
oh yeha!
the full moon tonight is beautiful!! i took the dog ona walk.. then i started running and started crying... i was thinking that i miss people, alot. i dunno.
my lunch shift may not be as fun, people are leaving it, its gunna suck...
Lauren
call me
560-2738
and you don't want to be here in the future so you say the present's just a pleasent interruption to the past and you don't want to look much closer, your afraid to find out all this hope...
Geoff Rickley(thursday).Is the man for you.You
admire his intelligence, and you both love to
sit and talk about books,love,life and most
probably how great Morrisey is. He'd write
lyrics for you all day which you'd treasure
next to you heart. You'd love him so much you'd
even colour his hair for him whe his roots grow
back. Ahh. <3
::
2004 4 January :: 7.27pm
:: Mood: devestated beyond belief
:: Music: the ataris, the saddest song (acoustic version)
maybe someday you'll really get to know me, not just from letters wrote to you, we've got alot of catching up to do, forgive me, im so sorry, i will make it up to you...
i began this entry last night after returning from the funeral viewing, i was planning on typing of how devastating it happened to be, but it turns out i was too hysterical to concentrate, all i could think of was seeing him there, in the open casket, and how unreal the whole expirence seemed
i really didnt think i was going to shed as many tears as i did, i wasnt prepared for anything of the such, of course i did bring tissues and all of us stood in the parking lot together, intwinned in hugs and tears alike, all not able to set foot inside the funeral home, i finally couldnt take it any longer and left, i cant even begin to imagine how maria must feel, i was completely distraught and im not even related to him, but the worst part of the night wasnt even seeing the open casket or crying among friend, but rather on the drive home... there was a massive accident on the main parkway leading to my residence, firetrucks, ambulances, squad cars galore! and then as you peer over to see the result of the accident that is a small body under a white sheet, in the middle of the road, that set me off, i couldnt hold back any longer...
The Ataris
The Saddest Song
only two more days
until your birthday
yesterday was mine
youll be turning five
i know what its like
growing up without
your father in your life.
so i pretend
im doing all i can
and hope someday youll find it in your heart
to understand
why im not around
and forgive me for not being in your life.
i remember waiting for you to go.
i remember waiting for you to call.
i remember waiting there to find nothing at all.
i remember waiting for you to come.
remember waiting for you to call.
waiting there to find nothing at all.
maybe someday
youll really get to know me
not just from letters wrote to you
i pray i get the chance to make it up to you
weve got alot of catching up to do.
forgive me.
im so sorry.
i will make it up to you.
::
2004 4 January :: 6.32am
:: Mood: sore
:: Music: amandas music stuff
hi!! i juss went to the beach today n got sunburned!!! oooh its hurts!! but i got sum great pix!!!
n e way
on... friday night after my dads suprise party, i still had ashiee n janna n lexa sleep over. the came over around 8 15 ish. then, we went relaly walking till 1 am. omg it was fun. we walked like 3 miles going back n forth. we first walked around my neigborhod then decided we wanted to go inside one of the hosues being built so we walked home n got flashliights then walked back up. then we walked back to change because we wer gunna go play in a dirt pile. then, after that, we did go play in the dirt pile form like midnight till 1. then i saw a snake so we ran home. lol after that, we threw on swimsuits n all gotta shower together. omg that was soo much fun. we took pix too1 lol i have the pic addy... here
http://www.villagephotos.com/pubbrowse.asp?selected=711418
hah ayou have to look at those those are like the best pictures. my grandma is here form pa. he came to suprise mhu daddy. it was soo much fun. lwell like today too!!!!
Hmmmm........ I'm sooo bored. WEll, today at the beach was fun, daddy took us out well, me out after riding in the waves!!! oh wow haha anyway, i gotta go dads gettin curious! muah!
call me
560-2738
::
2004 4 January :: 1.25pm
:: Mood: discontent
:: Music: blink 182, down
The drops of rain they fall all over, this awkward silence makes me crazy, tidal waves they rip right through me, tears from eyes worn cold and sad, pick me up now, i need you so bad...
Rain: You are the sound of rain. You have two
important sides. There is your strong, powerful
side and your calm, gentle side. Both are very
important. Rain also reflects a bit of darkness
in your personality. It isn't bad, just shows
that along with the good, you also can see bad,
which can come in handy. (please rate my quiz)
last entry, disregard it, im not going to delete it because those were my feelings in the earlier hours of the morning, but i was out of it, and that was the result, nothing to take too seriously..
::
2004 4 January :: 2.33am
:: Mood: confused, to say the least
:: Music: finch, new beginnings
i try so hard to figure out why no explanation keeps me waiting, lets try because i know you won't forget, i know even if the story is over but did you wanna listen, you took the world with you...
i guess a lot has occured since i last updated this journal...
it may has seemed that maria and i were destined to be at each others throats perpetually, but after i received the news of the recent death of her grandfather, whom i pressume she was very close to, i finally noticed that i wouldnt be able to not be friends with her, we were too close of friends since day one, and something of this sort shouldnt have pulled us apart, though im kinda glad it did, it made me realize that we beyond belief, did have a strong friendship that couldnt be terminated with one immature act, which i am deeply sorry for :(
furthermore, my reason for updating is due to the many things on my mind, of course nothing has been finalized and i suspect wont for several days, which is the culprut for the mood posted above, i am not going to go into detail, because my standpoint will have changed as the inconstant moon sets tonight, the beginning of a new day will bring new thoughts, directly related to the song listed above as well... another reason for not exposing what has just happened is that im not quiet sure what happened myself, or how i am to perceive it, or what will become of it, if nothing does happen after this occurence, i dont want to regret typing anything in here that may lead differently
although im not one to regret anything, i have no regrets to date, and dont intend on having any soon enough, which is novel, what caused me to think this way, of not regreting anything? any ideas... not from myself, im going to retreat to bed as of now, to "sleep on it", despite only one person will be able to relate this the last two paragraphs, sorry for being so vague, i know that isnt one of my best attributes :/
now that i think of it, after reading this entry and selecting the edit button, my reasoning for updating is to run from what is placed before me, i went onto this journal community so that i didnt have to come to any conclusions about the subject at hand, peculair enough this entry is all about that subject, but i havent thought of it once... maybe i should start
::
2004 2 January :: 1.54pm
:: Mood: crushed
:: Music: the ataris, eight of nine
When half of all your prayers are insencere, the other half are lies, its time that i made things right, for the first time, since the last time, let this moment of clarity, lift this curse...
i know this wont mean much, but i am truly sorry maria, i have no idea what you are going through and i completly disregarded everything, i feel terrible, may he rest in perpetual peace
::
2004 1 January :: 6.04pm
:: Mood: indifferent
:: Music: story of the year, razorblades n cupcakes
When the sun goes down I'll remember this and every word you said, when the rain stops pouring I'm stronger then, forget the words you said, I'll be holding on forever...
::Happy New Year::
and may your troubles in the new year last as long your new years resolution
this new years celebration was hardly less than exceptional, i wasnt able to spend it with my family, like any other year, but later did i discover that my little brother was the only one with his eyes open wide enough to see that crystal ball drop in time square, i was fueled and wide awake until 5:30 am, when the critically acclaimed sex and the city marathon of the last season concluded, the celebrations began precisely at seven pm when i arrived outside of Carrabas to be met by Jordyn and her family and friends, dinner wasn't delivered as ordered, and dessert was on the waiter, so all eight of us took advantage and ordered the finest desserts to go, which were later inhaled at Jordyn's aunts house located in gateway, at this point we set off various firecrackers all the while nervous of debris landing on neighboring cars, this was then followed by the lighting of sparklers in the dead of night! but we didnt sit still till past 1:30 when we left yet again for Jordyn's house to finish the sex and the city marathon, all in all, it was a fabulous night! but onto a more serious subject matter...
i dont know how to respond to all that has been going on in relevance to my conversation with sami and the comments posted later on... my intial reaction is that i dont like the fact that you have all been discussing my changes, and your opinion about this doesnt seem to be too optomistic, first and foremost, take a look at yourselves, you dont think that you are the ones that have been so called drifting? and even if i have been changing it was for the better, i have been around a certain someone more often and honestly i am glad that i have expanded my friendships to new people
come to think of it, have you ever contemplated the thought that everything happens for a reason? maybe we werent meant to be friends through high school, particularly i think this was the right thing, but there isnt even a thing, you have come across as this is such a big deal, where were you in the previous months, this feeling must have been the same, but why has it erupted so suddenly? you might think that we had such a superb relationship, but dont fool yourself because i think of at no great loss, i hadnt even though that i had moved away from those i was supposedly very close to, i wasnt regreting changing, even if i was the one who changed, but im glad for this seperation from all the drama that embodies those exceptional people
IM Tools: Personality Test
Your personality score is 44
What does this score mean?
Others see you as fresh, lively, charming, amusing, practical, and always interesting; someone who's constantly in the center of attention, but sufficiently well-balanced not to let it go to their head. They also see you as kind, considerate, and understanding; someone who'll always cheer them up and help them out.
WEll, my new year sucks. i went outside to meet reid at 1 30 in the morning... that went well.. i barely saw him n then i got caught. i got called a tramp by my mom n everything else in the whole fuckn world. then i find out mindy is the one who woke everyone up because she was barking and shit.
then, i woke up at umm... 830 let the dog outta my room. went back to bed. my mom woke me up n yelled more at 1030 ten i went back to bed n got yeled at again at 12. im not supposed to be on right now, but my mom is at my gradmas n my dad is out with amanda. todays his birthday n i cant believe ive been sucha bitch. oh well... i cant stand life anymore. its soo.. confusing
all i wanted to do was see reid. is that so much to ask. oh well then, who gives anymore. i dont kno. i feel like curling up ina lil ball. i juss finally came out of my room since 130 this morning. n i have a big ass headache. i hope everyone elses new yr went better. happy birthday janna, daddy, n alex!!!!!
Love Always
Lauren
