When Happiness Is Based On Lies, It's So Hard To Tell The Truth...
im going to keep that in mind. because i dont kno anymore. today is the last day of 2003, im going ot be happy. no matter what. im going to be happy. reid is coming over after work i think. hopefully hell come. i needa see him
Lauren!
call me
560-2738
i like having the counter, now i can see juss how many people visit my page n how many dont wannaleave me a message.
::
2003 30 December :: 5.56pm
:: Mood: nauseated
:: Music: the starting line, almost there going nowhere
keep talking down to me, you're not the only one losing me, you're losing what's in store, i will try and stay awake when i go, when i get home, i will try and stay away so i can tell you the truth...
more so, unconstrainedly in relation to the former entry, i was simultaneously chatting with nick about various topics, including my relationship with sami and what not, i wont post that dialogue in such a public place, but deeper into the conversation, during the time i was uttering to sami, nick and i had the following conversation, in consistence with both conversations, i was watching unfaithful, a movie that delves into the subject matter of cheating, murder, deceit, and lies, this subsequently began to reveal information about unmentionable things, but started off with the thought of believing in once guilty, always guilty?, appreicate the good times, but dont the worst for granted, because you only get so many second chances...
Lonly December: w/e
Lonly December: i don't care anymore
abrcrmbiet EASE: i don’t need you to
Lonly December: exactly
abrcrmbiet EASE: ugh im sorry
abrcrmbiet EASE: i juss need to tell someone
Lonly December: u don't want me here anymore so im out
Lonly December: no
abrcrmbiet EASE: thanks for letting me let this out
abrcrmbiet EASE: sorry for using you for that
Lonly December: i try to help
Lonly December: and i get shit
abrcrmbiet EASE: it isn’t right
Lonly December: so im done
abrcrmbiet EASE: i don’t like help
abrcrmbiet EASE: im sorry
abrcrmbiet EASE: i have never accepted it
Lonly December: fine then
abrcrmbiet EASE: but all that you have done i am more thankful for then anything
abrcrmbiet EASE: you dont even know
Lonly December: u won't receive it from me anymore
abrcrmbiet EASE: im sorry to hear that
Lonly December: well u constantly tell me how u don't want my help
Lonly December: nor do u need it
abrcrmbiet EASE: i need it desperately
Lonly December: so i'll leave u be
abrcrmbiet EASE: i can never admit to it
abrcrmbiet EASE: im sorry
Lonly December: so i'll leave u alone
abrcrmbiet EASE: i don’t know what to say
abrcrmbiet EASE: you have already helped me tremendously
abrcrmbiet EASE: don’t knock yourself for that
Lonly December: im not knocking myself
Lonly December: im learning a lesson
Lonly December: if the person doesn’t want help u can't give it to them because they won't take it
Lonly December: or throw it back in ur face
Lonly December: so thanks for teaching me that
abrcrmbiet EASE: disregard this whole conversationabrcrmbiet EASE: i am in tears and have no idea what i am typing
Lonly December: what hailey??
Lonly December: what am i supposed to do??
abrcrmbiet EASE: nothing
abrcrmbiet EASE: you are to do nothing
Lonly December: i offer my help in every way i can and it gets thrown in my face
abrcrmbiet EASE: don’t be so upset don’t take this to heart
abrcrmbiet EASE: maybe you shouldn’t offer it to everyone
abrcrmbiet EASE: don’t be so needy, needing to help everyone
Lonly December: its who i am
abrcrmbiet EASE: you would be so lucky to change the life of a few
Lonly December: and if some don't take it so be it
Lonly December: hailey im going ask this once and only once
Lonly December: if u say no my help is never going to be offered to u again
Lonly December: do u understand?
abrcrmbiet EASE: yes
Lonly December: do u want my help anymore?
abrcrmbiet EASE: but i enjoy your help and take it into consideration
abrcrmbiet EASE: it helps me embrace things that i would have never dreamed of
abrcrmbiet EASE: dont think that i throw it back in your face
abrcrmbiet EASE: originally i disregard it all but then i dissect it
abrcrmbiet EASE: and take it all in piece by piece
Lonly December: do u want it anymore..yes or no?
abrcrmbiet EASE: ..yes
Lonly December: im telling u now
Lonly December: im not going to give it to u if u continue this
Lonly December: i don't need it
Lonly December: i enjoy helping u
abrcrmbiet EASE: alright
Lonly December: it is actually a challenge
Lonly December: its ok to get help
Lonly December: it doesn’t make u weaker
abrcrmbiet EASE: i should learn that
Lonly December: well
abrcrmbiet EASE: im so sorry
Lonly December: its ok
abrcrmbiet EASE: im sure it doesn’t mean much
Lonly December: there is no need to be sorry
abrcrmbiet EASE: but how can I make it seem as much?
abrcrmbiet EASE: no i really am
abrcrmbiet EASE: truly sorry
Lonly December: why is that?
abrcrmbiet EASE: i guess i have to believe it in order for it to be believable
Lonly December: hailey i don't know what ur talking about
abrcrmbiet EASE: neither do i
on this coldest of January nights, we drive out past the runway and watch the planes go flying by, the runway lights are the deepest blue like the colors of your eyes so close them tight and kiss me..
yesterday, taken from charles dickens, was the best of times, yet the worst of times
jordyn had spent the night and the day began with a hour and a half road trip up to brandon, florida to cruise around the brandon town center, that was the superb part of the day, come to think of it, the day was full of bliss until dusk, when the regreting sun hid behind the trembling trees, when night began to captivate this land did it become the worst of times
only on blue moons does sami venture online, and the previous day just so happened to be the night where the indigo tint radiates throughout the shadows defining the darkness of night, inevitably, we exchanged pleasent greetings, nothing to sentimental, but to understand this, you must first off know that sami and i were best friends last year, unseperatable, but since then i seem to have been modified dramatically.. we risked the thought of attending different high schools, suggesting we would still be in contact through the studio, but it didnt conclude as such, she latched onto the people from her new school and i fastened onto other that i would later call my best friends, hence that takes us to yesterday, in which she invited me to a new years gathering but i declined, declaring i would have loved to go, but i have family over, she dismissed this excuse and rather construed it as i was "ditching her", as constructed by her mind
following are some excepts from our conversation, no means in hurting anyone that could be offended by this in return :/
abrcrmbiet EASE: dont say that :/
CSNJDO: i feel ditched
abrcrmbiet EASE: you know that isn’t true Sami
abrcrmbiet EASE: don’t feel ditched, I miss you an unspeakable amount!
abrcrmbiet EASE: im sorry you have to feel that way
CSNJDO: yeah and hailey i know you dont see it but your dif now and i don’t like it
abrcrmbiet EASE: wish i could know how so
CSNJDO: i feel like i don’t know u very well n e more
CSNJDO: & i hate it
abrcrmbiet EASE: what changed?
CSNJDO: just the way you communicate with me and your behavior
abrcrmbiet EASE: you dont seem to bother with me ne more.. you are with all the people who attend your school
CSNJDO: i dont ever talk to ne one at cypress
abrcrmbiet EASE: at the studio
abrcrmbiet EASE: with kasey and maria n carla n leah
abrcrmbiet EASE: i kinda got pushed away, not that im complaining
CSNJDO: YOURR THE ONE DITCHING US TO GO WITH THEM
abrcrmbiet EASE: im not ditching anyone sami, i would much rather have it be as it was last year
CSNJDO: no u never get pushed away u just are 2 busy being suffocated to talk 2 me
abrcrmbiet EASE: but i have changed a lot since last year
abrcrmbiet EASE: i have realized that
abrcrmbiet EASE: i didnt realize until now how it affected our relationship now
abrcrmbiet EASE: maybe it was right
CSNJDO: it makes me feel like im not wanted i wrote this thing the other night when i was thinking bout it
abrcrmbiet EASE: why do you feel that way??
CSNJDO: idk but i wrote something and was really sad and went to sleep crying
abrcrmbiet EASE: you have me in tears now
CSNJDO: i was really really upset and i just sat there for a long time crying and thinking about how i can tell you
CSNJDO: im not sure but i think maria feels kinda like i do but she wasnt as close so i dont think she could be nearly as hurt
abrcrmbiet EASE: maria takes it out in the wrong way
CSNJDO: yeah i just keep it inside
abrcrmbiet EASE: as do i
abrcrmbiet EASE: but tonight nick has to put up with it
abrcrmbiet EASE: god this is terrible
abrcrmbiet EASE: you have no idea even who nick is
abrcrmbiet EASE: and here i am, telling him everything, we grew apart
abrcrmbiet EASE: you here saddens me to no end
CSNJDO: im sorry but i had to tell you it was killing me
CSNJDO: it was awful
abrcrmbiet EASE: killing me slowly
CSNJDO: im sorry i just was really sad
CSNJDO: and i feel so distant lately
abrcrmbiet EASE: you have no idea..
CSNJDO: its so so awful !!
abrcrmbiet EASE: dreadful
abrcrmbiet EASE: this isnt how it is supposed to be
abrcrmbiet EASE: what happened?
abrcrmbiet EASE: what caused this?
CSNJDO: idk but i miss u hailey can you come over new years day late afternoon and u can stay the night
CSNJDO: we need to get together
abrcrmbiet EASE: we do
CSNJDO: we need to just be us again
abrcrmbiet EASE: i pushed you away
CSNJDO: r u ok ?
abrcrmbiet EASE: and what do i have to show for it
abrcrmbiet EASE: what did i get in return
CSNJDO: hailey its ok it isnt that bad now we can start over
abrcrmbiet EASE: i cant believe i would do this
abrcrmbiet EASE: i have been told alot lately that i have changed
abrcrmbiet EASE: so many ppl have told me
and it goes on from there, but i dont want to cause anymore uprises from posting such a controversial conversation, and i am deeply sympathetic to those it has already made an impression on, but i dont want this to forfeiture what we already have :/
i feel like shit today. my stomache hurts! i saw reid last night for a loong as time. oh yueah! i dyed my hair n got it cut. its actually pretty. how about that? good ol' walmart for yah n hair dye ina box! its a ummm, what did the box say.... oh! mahogeny brown. its REALLY dark. wes doesn't like me anymore... i kinda of like it that way... i guess.....:'(....hes more like a brother to me now.. like.. i duno, he helped me ALOT over the passed few days.. dont ask how, he juss did. so has david n igor. yes igor is a name. i duno, i guess its better to hvave someone be really close to you as opposed to having a silly crush right? i duno, but i kno i got tha chills so im out for now
call me, i finally got muh celly back
560-2738
::
2003 27 December :: 11.46am
:: Mood: energetic
:: Music: the ataris, takeoffs n landings
if you could go anywhere right now, where would you go? and would you miss me when you get there? there's no place i would rather be, please dont let me go falling from the sky...
chris left yesterday for england
those eight days will seem as a perpetual punishment, i was able to chat with him for hours upon hours, which was heavenly, makes up for all this lost time, hoping he has a breathtaking trip, but not longing for him to have his breath taken away by someone else, im going to miss him :/
this song, takeoffs n landings by the ataris is increasingly becoming my favorite, the lyrics remind me of things that i dont mind a bit having on my mind, i woke up to it this morning :D
everyone has left me alone in this house to ponder over existense, hence i awoke to an empty house in one of the best moods one could have... last evening my mommy, daddy, my brother and i all went to the mall to take part in the hectic undergoing, muchos exhilerating, bought several items and people- watched with my daddy, he enlightened me with various skills for determining who is a looking to snatch a purse or two, then to dinner at the quaint italian restaurant in the cachet plaza, absolutely perfect.. followed by spec's music, where i listened to numerous cd's and conclusively chose the ataris and the starting line
that leads to this morning, when i lifted my eyelids to silence.. but not for much longer, i cranked up the volume on my cd player and modeled everything i bought yesterday, very amusing if i do say so myself, come to ponder over it, this doesnt read like previous entries, something is definitely odd about this one, eh? no matter..
lol thats from xmas eve. reid told me i looked like a whore! well courtney wants on! guess what im doing today tho? gettin muh hair trimmed then dying my hair!!!! ooooh yeah!
Ill write later! muah!
::
2003 26 December :: 9.15am
:: Mood: sleepy
:: Music: silent night
Yesturday Was Christmas!!! it was actually one fo the ebst christmas's ive had in a really long time. i think it was cuz there was hardly n e yelling... lets see
we got up at 630.. opened presents. i got a digi cam! its my own so now ican take sum uhh..."nice pix" n i got lotttttts of pittsburgh clothes. i dont know how my mom did it but she found a ummm wind breaker from aeropostale n it has the pitt panther on it n stuff n then she found pants to match. omg i think its my favorite outfit right now... cept it has summ...white marks on it from later in tha night lol.
k, so..
then i went to pine island for sum breakfast that my aunt bette cooked. shes okay at cooking but i think she had alot of help. on the 23 it was the boat parade everybody was freezin cept me. lol... i got hit on by a canadian n ray said he lost my sn so he wnt over to there house asking if they had it... isnt that pathetic lol... k now ummm then we came home heard a lil yelling cuz well, we really didnt do anything n then people came over. it was nice to see cassie n them over for dinner... again. they seemed to enjoy the new hosue
courtney did my hair cuz i got a hair xrimper but i dint have the patience to let her do the whole thing so half my hair was done. reid came over about... 4 15..
heres our pic
i think its nice. courtney took it at the dinner table. lol.
then after dinner my mom told me n him to take min for a walk.. lol we were gone for like n hour n barely made it half a mile. lol...
thats where my NEW outfit got worn in.. the stupid fuk.....lol xcuse my french
then i ended up falling asleep on his lap while watching bruce all might at the end of the nigghtt... i twas a great christmas.. hard to believe but it was soo much better compared to last years. i have to go upload the pix off my new cam now, i'll write later. sorry for not updating in a while.
MUAH!
Hit me up on muh celly
239-560-2738
Laur
::
2003 24 December :: 7.41pm
:: Mood: crushed
:: Music: dashboard, again i go unnoticed
I'll wait until tomorrow, maybe you'll feel better then, what's another day when I can't bear these nights of thoughts of going on without you, it seems worth the wait to see your smile again...
i wrote the following the day that chris left for those torturous eight days, i am edititng this entry the day he retreated back to ft. myers, and it seems that i have fallen for someone else, despite all my desperate trys not to, and i know that i shouldnt, but inform me on how to control this attraction and i will get back to you soon enough...
well as for now im gonna hear the saddest songs
and sit alone and wonder
how you're making out
but as for me, i wish that i were anywhere with anyone making out im missing your laugh
how did it break?
and when did your eyes begin to look fake?
i hope you're as happy as you're pretending
Screaming Infidelities
Dashboard Confessional
Though I gaze at distant waters
Moon shining over head
Stumbling along the shoreline
Envisioning your touch upon my hand
Missing you, as you're not here
grasp white sand, it blows with the breeze
even through my desperate clutch
Starts sparkling along the coastline
Lighting up the ocean bright
Longing for your sweet smell
Can find no substitute
Wishing your arms around me
Hoping for one sweet kiss
Look around both sides of me
Sigh, maybe somewhere else...
::
2003 24 December :: 6.49pm
:: Mood: drained
:: Music: finch, perfection through silence
Alone at last together in a photograph, our eyes are always open devoted to perfection through silence, what am I supposed to do? should I sit and wait for you...
well it seems as tomorrow would be the critically acclaimed christmas day
not complaints there
unfortunatly it doesnt exactly feel like christmas time, cant define the reason, but there is some detail not in place that is throwing the whole feeling off.. possibly tomorrow will cure these shadows of our life, wont be up bright n early tomorrow due to a late night phone call lasting until the early morning hours, why is this occuring :/... more faceless people over here tonight to dine, i received a fortune cookie not long ago which read as follows, "it is better to deal with problems before they arise"... is that so? i beg to differ, i would much rather have the problem take place to see what the outcome is, it might be for the better, problems could lead you to something much greater.. i have learned that in my own time
watched bloodwork last night, not a bad movie at all... i love the crime investigation thriller theme of the film, my absolute favorite part being the breaking of the code left for McCaleb at each homicide scene, but to connect the code and the last scene of the movie when the killer is killed himself, Clint Eastwood declares that he didnt need the killer, but he should have said, according to my script modifications, "i need no one!" yes, that is in relevance to the code :)
::
2003 22 December :: 2.20pm
:: Mood: uncomfortable
:: Music: something corporate, cavanaugh park
Where I used to think that this life would be good and I would do things that I thought that I should and no one's going to tear me down...
my parents are entertaining other couples for lunch right now
as i have escaped to the computer :/
several things on my mind, last night i was talking with a couple of people and through the night and following morning it has been polluting my mind, i shouldnt have to think about it, shouldnt want to, yet i do... the first person i was chatting with happened to be over the top, dont act so interested, evidently im not going to expose any more to you than i feel comfortable with if you cant give any in return...
the human uses other people to benefit themselves, their constant need for attention needs to be fulfilled, we all use people, i have used people and people have used me, but every so often you have to give a little back, this may not be sufficent but then its not a one way thing, these contemplations of balance are hypocritical, you understand what needs to be done but not how to apply it... but who am i to type this
moving along, the second person i was discussing with.. well no, forget it..
sorry for having to read this, i dont like the way i think, doubt anyone does
until next time...
::
2003 22 December :: 1.17am
:: Mood: content
:: Music: little moments
Hi. I cant wait till' tonight. Reid is taking me to this dinner thinggy. itll be fun
n e wa y
i was supposed to go to the mall...... but my moms on the phn
joe took me n muh sisters to jasons delli so now im alllllllllll full
i acnt wait to go to the mall. i need to find sumpfin.
::
2003 21 December :: 8.34am
:: Mood: good
:: Music: what dreams are made of
Hi. Reid came over today and i went over to his house yestruyday. omg i had the best time. at his house this lil kid jabaree is there. hes 3 n he loves me!!!!!! lol........ it was an interesting time at his house haha if u get muh drift. i have a pic of him on my digi cam. but well.. amanda lost the connector to the comp. reid is comign to my house for xmas dinner i cant wait. he was gunna come to church today but he had to watch jabaree at the last minute because his mom got to work too late. ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooh well.. haha its sooo nice to have reid! so, today he came over around... 130.. i juss got outta the shower too so i was juss in muh robe n stuff but it was all good. amanda thought we were havin sex or something because his hand was on muh leg. haha oh well. whatever works!
im looking at allllllll tha pix i have on muh comp. some are reaaaaaaly cute and i think i needa put them on my page one day... ne way.. after that him n i had to come downstairs n outta muh room. first she was pissed then reid whent n talkedto her n then so did i so i guess were on like the same terms or whatever. so we stayed downstairs n watched movies. n sum other stuff but llol i wont get into that!!!!!! hahahahah
i feel so. loved when im around him. he makes me feel sooooooooo special
TasteZLykECherrY: theres me n jaaaaaaannnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnna
Dreamiin of Him: awwww
TasteZLykECherrY:
TasteZLykECherrY: this guy is juss hott
Dreamiin of Him: LMAO!!!!!!
TasteZLykECherrY: lol
TasteZLykECherrY: isnt he tho???????
Dreamiin of Him: thats so you laur
TasteZLykECherrY: lol!!!! what is
Dreamiin of Him: lol i love you to death
Dreamiin of Him: taking pics of random hott guys
TasteZLykECherrY: lol
TasteZLykECherrY: well hey!!!!
TasteZLykECherrY: if u can, why not!
TasteZLykECherrY: lol
lol thats what muh friends think of me! thats muh ashie!!!!! shes the bestest!!!!!! im in the bestest beyond bestest moood today. i got reids other present too! good old walmart! it works for everything. since reid is all into fishiing n stuf igot him this reaaaaaaaaaly pretty lure and every time he sees it hes supposed to think of me! im sooooooo thoughtful. lol
whoa i juss notivced... 61 member are online n 142 guests are online. how cool is that? lol.... i feel juss sooo.. GREAT !!!! i duno its juss a realyl good feeling. im wearing reids camoflauge hat rigt now.. tomorro im going to his work party. i gotta look all prettttty but i dunt kno what to wear. im such a mess!
TITANIC IS ON!!!!!!!!!
Love always n Forever
Lauren
MuAh!!!!!!!!!!
::
2003 20 December :: 8.29pm
:: Mood: thoughtful
:: Music: the story of the year, sidewalks
The stars will cry the blackest tears tonight this is the moment that i live for, pouring my heart onto these rooftops, thats exactly what i need...
i deleted the last entry for uncountable reasons, which i am not going to indulge in just as yet.. from here on out, this entry will not be revised nor read in riddles as often as before, these are my thoughts at the moment without the help of the backspace...
i feel extremely bad as of now, for lack of better vocabulary, someone who i dont even know and have been talking to for less than two days seems to be upset, depressed, deranged, disturbed.. i dont understand why i care as much as i appear to, but that i do, i must have been having the greatest day for no reason at all, and then i realize that not everyone was having such a spectacular day... i tend not to open up to many people but i have been talking to one at school currently, this again is another aspect which i dont understand, this normally would be the last person i would run to but peculiar enough i seem to be the most comfortable with them, despite their consistent questioning :/
i like where i am right now, no worries and oncemore lighthearted, but that doesnt mean i still miss some people... sorry for that reason, to another subject possibly clearer, i burnt the Story Of The Year cd entitled page avenue, best cd that i own to date, i have included the playlist of my prefered songs, enjoy
The Story of The Year
Playlist
*Until the day i die*
*Anthem of our dying day*
*Swallow the knife*
*Sidewalks*
*In her bedroom*
*September*
*In the shadows*
i will be laying in bed restlessly each night until i know the truth, can you speak it to me? whisper soft words to me, disrupting the constant silence you must know by now forever is my longing for you...
::
2003 19 December :: 4.15pm
:: Mood: thirsty
:: Music: dashboard, saints n sailors
Waiting here with hopes the phone will ring and I'm thinking awful things, I'm pretty sure that few would notice and this apartment is starving for an argument, anything to break the silence...
Saints and Sailors
youre becoming solitude and soo loving your
apartment. its understandable. ppl suck, and
youve expected too much, now u expect nothing,
but then again you have no reason too..
Screaming infidelities.
someone you loved has decided to leave, and theyve
done something to make you not trust them. do
you really love them and thats y you dont want
them to leave? or do you just not want to be
alone?
Well I think the time has come to tell you how I feel about everything thats been inside my mind, since the day we crossed the line into this real life fantasy because I poured my heart into the last
ive learned a tremendous amount in one single day, that one being today
a little past the chime of two a breeze blew in a diminutive dog followed by a six year old girl, all the doors in my house are left open, the desire for fresh air being the culprit of this, and a neighbor living right next door to me opened another door for me, despite all the doors open already.. not juss in reality, but these others doors that have meant to close... i have a feeling that her brother set her up to it, she told me that he liked me then kept asking about my lovelife, i dont know how this mysterious person could like me, i doubt i have ever been around this neighborhood twice for them to see let alone talk to me, its novel how someone so young can teach you so much... questioning me to define my standpoint, the dog leash is hanging limp on my door handle as i type this, yet another piece of memorabilia consistantly pleading for a definition, where i am, where i expect to be going... and i honestly cant answer that
i have been told that i am in denial, for that one person that i would never imagine hearing it from, this was quite a while ago, and although this person doesnt know anything about me besides me name and features, they seem to be confident enough in my understanding that they can make their opinions... i dont think so, they seem to be wrong about their accusations, but whats worse? numerous things... i have read the random journal of someone so intelligent, so lost, so hopeless, so wanting, and that intrigued me, i loved their journal, l-o-v-e rather than l-u-v.. that doesnt mean anything to me but ahh to think about begining on that, no reason to
tomorrow will be a grand one
not for a particular reason
but i dont wish to get my hopes up...
Reid Came over!!!!!!!!!!!!!! now i fukn hurt! but oioooooooooooooooh well!!!!!!!!!!!!
it was a nice day
we juss like sta there watched a movie then watched tv. my parents didnt care. it was great. he juss left like... 10 mins ago n got here aound........ 2sumpfin. it was nice!
Me n wes are actually talking now. its really nice... haha thats all ima say for now. i got a 100 on my yearbook exam. of course. lol.. n i didnt kno like 20 of the 140 eglish ?... ohw ell
my night was good until nick talked to me.. i want to let him talk to me again but i dotn want to because i dont want to talk to him
nicktommcat: Lauren
nicktommcat: dont go if ur about to
nicktommcat: look, im sorry for the things you think i may have said
nicktommcat: granted i did say some things
TasteZLykECherrY: wtf ...what you said hurt me
TasteZLykECherrY: how the fuck do you have the nerve to talk to me
TasteZLykECherrY: rread what u said
nicktommcat: ok lauren
nicktommcat: i try to apologize and u get pissed
nicktommcat: exactly what i said would happen
nicktommcat: u wanna be that way
nicktommcat: FINE
nicktommcat: i didnt want to not be friends
TasteZLykECherrY: www.woohu.com/~playachika
nicktommcat: i read it alredy
nicktommcat: sorry
nicktommcat: sorry it ahs to be this way
nicktommcat: sorry i said some things
TasteZLykECherrY: some?
TasteZLykECherrY: i told you everything
nicktommcat: sorry bout all that
TasteZLykECherrY: i cryd that whole night
nicktommcat: sorry you cant at lease let me apologize
nicktommcat: but im wasting my time
TasteZLykECherrY: no your not nick
nicktommcat: and moms yelling at me
nicktommcat: so im sorry but i ahve to go
TasteZLykECherrY: :-\
nicktommcat: ill talk to you tomarrow
TasteZLykECherrY: sure you will
nicktommcat: bye
nicktommcat: and i will
TasteZLykECherrY: we'll see
nicktommcat: online
nicktommcat: if ur on
nicktommcat: i prolly wont see u
nicktommcat signed off at 8:33:51 PM.
::
2003 17 December :: 6.01pm
:: Mood: flirty
:: Music: something corporate, i want to save you
I'm writing it down just leave me here and tell me to my face what you think about can we figure out what happened to our happy ending anyway? how you feel about leaving me here...
I bet you thought this song was about you
You're more that just mad this time
You've got that look in your eye
Nobody told me you were a sucker for a kiss
Music low
We're all alone
Being wrong never felt so right
Tell me about your first kiss
Tell me or have you already forgotten it?
Tell me about your first kiss
What do I have to do to get through all of this?
new found glory
sucker
ive been studying nonstop all day and for the past hour or such i have been captivated by drive thru records radio player, its unbelievable! ive fallen for every artist playing so far.. no reason really to update, just for a release i suppose, a desired release! im missing dance all this week :/ i long to go back to the studio but these midterms seems to be more significant than anything else in my life, well... not everything, sigh
::
2003 16 December :: 3.55pm
:: Mood: lethargic
:: Music: story of the year, until the day i die
Should I bite my tongue? Until blood soaks my shirt We'll never fall apart Tell me why this hurts so much my hands are at your throat
where to begin?
preferably from the beginning..nothing expecially intruiging to report
although i could think of a few
i studyed late into the night yesterday on french longing to enhance my grade in that class.. last period today was the exam, i dont think i did half bad, actually i think i might have done well, then afterschool what else besides more studying? i attended the review session for the math exam this upcoming friday, it was quiet engaging :)
i have enjoyed talking to nick currently, he has multiple philosohpical thoughts that seem to be all correct, wish i could see it as he does... well no, i wish i could see it both ways simultaneously, the sketch and the painting, i am more critical on the sketch, nick representing this painting, moreso the painting from my perspective hasnt been completed, and i dont wish it to be without those few details from the sketch that make the painting what it is...
Last night it came as a picture with a good reason, a warning sign this place is void of all passion if you can imagine it's easy if you try believe me I failed this effort i wrote a reminder...
today was not a bad day at all
funny how the people you have juss met can have such a great influence on your life, eh?
after the recent ongoings taking place on the ever so despised internet, i decided to take my dog for a sprint, i passed the privately owned lake and contemplated sitting there and thinking of the happenings, i wasnt there for a mere three minutes when a young guy pulls up in his eclipse treking down to where i was sitting with a fishing rod in hand
we exchanged the polite greetings then he asked why i was sitting there all alone n i responded that i needed to think things out, he sat down despite his ironed kakhis and the dampess of the cement and began to tell me his reasoning for being here.. as it goes he is attending fsu and drove all the way down to daughtrey's creek becuase he grew up here and when something was going wrong in his life he would be in the exact spot i was sitting, doing the same as i.. it just so happens that he and his long term girlfriend since junior year broke it off, he skipped studying for his mid-terms to venture down here, resulting in much lost time for acedemics... he began to go deep into all that went wrong and what he could have done now that he has these regrets, i noticed that he would break down any moment, so i began to speak of why i was out there... and slowly enough i began to realize quite a few things, more so than i realized talking to nick, oddly enough i suspected that this was for the better, thank you for that, i needed to set off to different horizons whether that be what you mentioned or not, he continuously questioned why i wasnt upset and i had to stop and think, i really wasnt upset... not outwardly anyway...but inside.........is that wrong? :/
after returning back home it was alright, actually it always was but the young man who i never did receive his name made things seem better than ever before, my deepest thanks for that
i feel so ....... i dont kno....
not...quite...me...
Your words to me just a whisper
Your face is so unclear
I try to pay attention
Your words just disappear.
Oh
'Cause it's always raining in my head
Oh
Forget all the things I should have said.
So I speak to you in riddles
'Cause my words get in my way.
I smoke the whole thing to my head
And feel it wash away.
'Cause I can't take anymore of this
I wanna come apart,
Or dig myself a little hole
Inside your precious heart.
Oh
'Cause it's always raining in my head
Oh
Forget all the things I should have said.
I am nothing more than
a little boy inside
That cries out for attention,
Yet I always try to hide.
'Cause I talk to you like children,
Though I don't know how I feel
But I know I'll do the right thing
If the right thing is revealed
'Cause it's always raining in my head
Forget all the things I should have said.
nicktommcat: so
TasteZLykECherrY: wtf do u want
nicktommcat: your in love with will huh?
TasteZLykECherrY: what the fuck are u talking about nick!!!
nicktommcat: i read it
TasteZLykECherrY: you made me cry today
TasteZLykECherrY: no it says that i love reid
nicktommcat: and
TasteZLykECherrY: i thought you were better then that
nicktommcat: well lauren
TasteZLykECherrY: no nick
nicktommcat: u got in my face about something i never did
TasteZLykECherrY: what u said today hurt me
nicktommcat: if somone came to me
TasteZLykECherrY: once i turend away i cried
nicktommcat: and said "hey i ehard this about lauren"
nicktommcat: im not gonna lie to em
nicktommcat: pedro already knew about all the shit
nicktommcat: i never told him
nicktommcat: i said to him "where did u hear about lauren and wyatt"
TasteZLykECherrY: you still made me cry....
nicktommcat: and he replied "from her"
TasteZLykECherrY: i dont give a shit... ok u made me cry nick
TasteZLykECherrY: end of story
TasteZLykECherrY: i never thought ud be like that
TasteZLykECherrY: but i guess i was wrong
nicktommcat: WHO-PEDY-FUCKING-DOO!
nicktommcat: lauren
TasteZLykECherrY: i thought of u like my brother
nicktommcat: u started off on me
nicktommcat: do u know how many times ive covered for you thru the last 4 years?
TasteZLykECherrY: do you kno how bad you hurt me today
nicktommcat: do i care at the moment?
nicktommcat: lemme finish
TasteZLykECherrY: obviously not
TasteZLykECherrY: why
TasteZLykECherrY: whats the fuckn point
nicktommcat: well i never thought u'd be this way
TasteZLykECherrY: n i never thought id cry over you
nicktommcat: to the PERSON WHO FUCKING STOOD UP FOR YOU, AND NEVER TOLD ANYONE SHIT ABOUT ALL YOU SEX ENDEAVORS OVER THE LAST 4 FUCKING YEARS!
nicktommcat: i could have ruined you
nicktommcat: but i didnt
nicktommcat: i was a good friend
TasteZLykECherrY: go ahead nick... if you really want to.. go ahead
TasteZLykECherrY: im so sick of shit
TasteZLykECherrY: im so sick of everything
nicktommcat: until all your problems in your life started affecting my life at home
TasteZLykECherrY: how!
TasteZLykECherrY: i didnt do anything to you!
nicktommcat: cause i was eharing all the things wrong with ur life
TasteZLykECherrY: then fine
nicktommcat: and somehow thinking that they pertained to my life
nicktommcat: why do u think i stopped talking to you
TasteZLykECherrY: fine... you ended our friend ship.. not me
nicktommcat: cause it was bothering my life at home
nicktommcat: ok lauren
nicktommcat: i didnt come to you spewing words out of my mouth
nicktommcat: u were sayin shit i never did
nicktommcat: and because of that
nicktommcat: now i figure what the fucking hell
nicktommcat: i might as well now lauren
nicktommcat: youll never fuckign listen to me!
TasteZLykECherrY: what are u talking about
nicktommcat: u came to me
nicktommcat: making accusations
nicktommcat: me telling everyone that ur a whore and a slut and whatnot
nicktommcat: im not jstu going to sit there and take that shit from you
nicktommcat: especially from what youve told me over the years and what i know about you
nicktommcat: btw
nicktommcat: ive not told anyone about u being a damned slut ok
nicktommcat: so lauren who the fuck told u that>
nicktommcat: ?
TasteZLykECherrY: i am?
nicktommcat: lauren
nicktommcat: u know what the fuck i mean
nicktommcat: u came to me saying that i said u were a slut and a whore
nicktommcat: so anything else you'd like to say to me?
TasteZLykECherrY: yeah im gunna miss u
nicktommcat: yeah
nicktommcat: sure
nicktommcat: ull miss telling me all ur probs, and me feeling sorry for you,
nicktommcat: thats all you ever needed me for
nicktommcat: was attention
nicktommcat: cause u knew i ACTUALLY cared
nicktommcat: you only were mad that i wouldnt talk to you cause u jstu wanted to tell me everything wrong with ur life, its true aint it lauren, and u know damend well it is, but just for shits and giggles why dont you answer that?
TasteZLykECherrY: no nick...just no..
nicktommcat: oh come on
nicktommcat: amuse me
nicktommcat: you mean
nicktommcat: u actually liked me?
nicktommcat: u like talking to me?
nicktommcat: u liked having me around all the time?
TasteZLykECherrY: yeah..
nicktommcat: heh
nicktommcat: this is quite amusing
TasteZLykECherrY: good im glad yourhaving fun.
nicktommcat: oh its not fun
nicktommcat: its funny
TasteZLykECherrY: im glad you think its funny nick.
nicktommcat: that you could actually care about somone
TasteZLykECherrY: how about that
nicktommcat: yeah
nicktommcat: how bout that
TasteZLykECherrY: yeah well thnx for helpin me out.. i appreciated it
nicktommcat: helpin u out?
nicktommcat: thanks for rheaming me out in front of my friends!
nicktommcat: i really appreciated that
nicktommcat: it was all i could do not to scream at you in front of everyone
nicktommcat: but i got 1 last question for you
TasteZLykECherrY: no..
nicktommcat: oh yeah
nicktommcat: i sure as FUCKING HELL DO!
TasteZLykECherrY: no.
nicktommcat: i could still ruin ur reputation lauren
nicktommcat: so dont piss me off too much ok
nicktommcat: and id hate to do that to you
TasteZLykECherrY: just do it
nicktommcat: since u WERE my friend and all
nicktommcat: and BTW
nicktommcat: u said our friendship was over
nicktommcat: NOT ME
TasteZLykECherrY: i hate you nick.. i raeally hate you
That happened last night.. me n nick used to be soo close.. i dont kno what happneed.. he thinks im a damn slut.. whatever.. i dont give a shit anymore..
today reid came over.. we juss watched t v and uhh threw the softball around.. thats about it!... i got this pimp ass hat n this really cute shirt. but i dont kno... will watns me to go to a party with him tonight but i cant get a ride home and i dont want to be a bother... im really juss... BLAH right now.. i juss got home from teh xmas play at my church.. it was very interesting.. haha i did pretty good. amanda n me (elliot) did aduet.. it sounded really pretty..! ima go... i dont feel good..
Lauren
im just so confused anymore. this one other kid at lunch, likes me, but only wants to fuk me. ...... why are guys like that!!!!!!! i cant stand it. im not really that kind of girl.. is reid like that??? i kno of his.. uh.. sexuall history....n well.. hes hada lotta "one nighters"... he says he loves me.. i woke him up at 445 this morning.. i was cryin.. had a really bad nightmare... it was really scary... i wont get into what it was of.. because well.. i duno its part of my past that i want to forget but it seeem slike its just sticking with me..
Will read this journal. hes pissed at me.. maybe he did like me??? hummmmmm i duno. im with reid... My god im confusing.
i feel like complete shit
my stomak n head hurts
everything is wrong
i feel like crying
i wish i didnt have that nightmare... its been bugging me to no end..
i gave up once before but somehow you got me back and i like the way the tears run down your cheeks and your hands start to shake i enjoy your depression. its what brings me back...
a while back, elanna told me of someones comment about a particular moment being worth 1000 words, i seemed to have missed that being stated, but reading this quote reminded me of that night :/
A picture is worth 500 to 1500 words depending on how good looking you are
::
2003 12 December :: 8.11am
:: Mood: confused
:: Music: the beautiful mistake, on building
I never said I'd prove it, I only said I'd show it I gave you my all, but you wanted more. Lost on the inside, filling up the score. I remember playing that one. It's stuck in my head. Over and Over.
its begining to become odd :/
this morning, for instance, i was with an old friend and i saw someone, someone i would normally have gone running over to but i didnt... i really dont want the populace to read this and make their lousy opinions, but i need to write this out so i can look over it myself and make my own judgements...
of course the comments of others are taken into perspective, but they dont know... it always seems the person least involved has the most honest answer of what should have been, that would be sami in this anecdote, i was telling her of the recent on-goings and she said i was wrong, that i should have gone with the original instinct rather then second guessed, too late for that now, curiously enough she hasnt the slightest clue in how i feel but she can always predict the outcome, according to her i was wrong, according to others i was right, according to me... ahh well i dont know, i think it was wrong
it was wrong there is no reason i should have, nothing can come of my decision, but then again... i might only be feeling this way because of other things, after a dialogue it will not be this way anymore, but there never will be a dialogue, there hasnt been, therefore wont be
am i too pessimistic?
the girl next to me is looking up christmas lyrics continuously singing frosty the snowman and becoming upset due to frosty always with a carrot nose not a corncob pipe... she seems to be in the christmas spirit, should i be? that glass seems to be half empty this morning, maybe later on it will be half full, It doesnt matter if the cup is half full or half empty, whatever is inside, it is evaporating either way...maybe this is all because i wasnt allowed to get my hot chocolate this morning.. if only i could put the blame on that
i understand that most dont prefer longer entries, the mood for which i am in
*Belief and experience will produce truth regardless of the order they come in*
*Virtue is one thing that doesn't seem to become worth more when less is in circulation*
::
2003 10 December :: 3.25pm
:: Mood: crushed
:: Music: the ataris, not a worry in the world
I never thought those times would last forever, but now that they're gone I'm pretty sure we grew up to fast. I've had my wishes on a star I hope that yours came true. Now all I've got is a memory...
ever since i posted the last comment i have been worried sick that someone might read it and get the wrong perception...i was contemplating deleting the entry all together but why if it was in fact what was eventful in my life at the time, than i began to think about the english homework that i would have to hastily finish tonight, which lead my thoughts to analytical paper that then reminded me of the quote the english teacher wrote on her board for the longest time
"nothing in serious literature happens by accident"
does it so? indeed... as of my veiwpoint currently i suppose the reason i wrote what i did previously was to have me realize a few unmentionable things, but why do all these temptations come along at the worst possible time, when i am attached... when i wasnt for that lost period of time, nothing seemed to occur... what entity is providing these temptations as a test to prove my faithfulness? if so, my heart belongs to only one person, and i hope he knows it :/
terribly sorry for all dont bother reading the next entry
::
2003 10 December :: 7.31am
:: Mood: dorky
:: Music: all americah rejects, happy endings
Happy endings Just what did you do, If you're a dream then come true Stop pretending that what you mean isn't what you say Hopeful dreaming, Of times before the pain, wishing it was still the same...
once more i am in business n tech updating this highly acclaimed journal of mine with a barnie's hot chocolate and chocolate donut! chris larson came over to our table and courtni gerow and him are debating the lyrics to some christmas song right in the middle of class! :)
recently i have been with matt often, i have been missing talking to him, he never calls anymore because of the current situation, everytime we talk though he always bring up this one point which we both know we dont want to discuss but he continues to ask anyways :/ other than that matt has changed immensly since last year, for the better, maybe well... juss maybe
yesterday i stayed afterschool to make math corrections on a test i already recieved an 86 on, ben gold asked me to be his partner for afterschool then asked if i wanted ot film him, jordan, n tony doing there jackass stunts over in whiskey creek, which was pretty hott, no objection to that :)
::
2003 9 December :: 5.52am
:: Mood: flirty
:: Music: here without you
Hey!!! Yesturday was muh bday!!! i was agoing to update but well its allllllll fucked up...... this journal i mean..
alot of people at school forgot it was even my birthday..... i awnted to cry......
janna wasnt eveven there...... :'( oh well
i went over reids house! were offically going out now!!!!!!!!!
lol we went swimmin.... you can uhh.... guess what happend there.... my knee is all cut up cuz it kept hittin the side of the pool. lol....
then when we went bak to his house, i got under the covers n was in his sweatshirt so i reaaaaaaaaallllllly warm... n i layed a pillow on his lap.. n yeah that was the last hour that i spent there... as juss with him.. watchin sum dumbass movie.. but it didnt matter... it was such a great birthday!
it feeels exactly the same to be 15.... lol... nothin new.
every body thinx ima straigt egge,, dum ppl.! hahaha..
today i got alot of balloooooons at school cuz janna came back.. she got me the most.. best.. lol i dont kno if that makes sense.. shirt int he world...... it says..
"every game needs a loser" on the front.. n on the back it says...
"and thats why we invited you!"
haha it was funny. im wearin it right now...
i saw reid today when i took min ona walk.. oooh itssoooooo great to see him.... everyone but my mom likes hiim.. i got yelled otu soooooooo bad.. iw as like wtf..... but whatever.! thought id tell you how my bday went
Always
Lauren
