i won't forget all the ones that i love // kelly clarkson
i'm not sure what i want to say, or what i want to do right now, but, yeah.... goodnight.

i'll help u cope with it. i'm nothing. remember that. mean nothing, am nothing for u.

don't u think its amazing how u feel so skinny when u're doing certain things?! lol.

for real now, goodnight ---> u hot people.

"should we go up and say sry before he keys the car?" <333 lol
school has been fine. i have to train 2mrw 4 cashier at publix 2mrw. 9am-12pm =) . i'm still refusing to take the bus to school... it's sorta working. not really. grr. anyways, i've gotta go. shower & sleep =) s0o tired. i get to see jonah 2mrw! jason was sweet today.

o yeah we went to taco bell afterschool today lol. and danielle stopped by. o n tim asked me about antonio... n if i was dating him. lol that's funny. there's really no cute guys at our school, and most of them r jerks. nikki's car is super cute & ana & marci r so sweet.

brittany was supposed to call, but she didn't. hm... full week of school starting monday. sickening. <3 bye byes

home sweet home!
after driving straight from Illinois to Florida, i am finally at home. in time for practice 2morrow, then shopping, then saturday having orientation and going to kaila's party! before school starts, i have to hang out with Alex, Jonah, Britt C, Brittany, Dominic, Jackie, Danielle G, Brett, Travis & Joey. I c Danielle B on Saturday!!!! YAY! plus Pretam, Anand, carlos, Kailannie, Sam, everyone! <333

x posting. **
yesterday was fun. i went to ULTA (this big makeup store), Borders, and Carsons (to look at the Coach purses) with my aunt. Afterwards, we came home & i went to the Cubs / Phillies game. cubs won! yay!

today = woke up early, headed north to Six Flags Great America. Hit every rollercoaster with the exception of DeJavu. we went on... Batman, Superman, Raging Bull, Vertical Velocity, Logger's Run, Ice Mountain Splash, Rapid, Demon, American Eagle & some stand up rollercoaster. omg we hadda blast, now i feel like i am permanently on a rollercoaster. we got $90 worth of Fast Lane Passes, so we could do all the rides.

its now 10:42pm here and uncle jim & daddy just came back with White Castles =D

anyways... 2morrow we finally get to go visit gramma Emily's grave. i'm happy.

i got calls from brett & travis last night. they were in front of my house. damn and joey was with them too. o well... i will see them when i get home. i have to call millions of people when i get home. Ashley E, Jonah, Brett, Travis, Alex G, Brittany, Danielle G, Britt, Ryan, JB, Jackie, etc. yay! people missed me! <3333 anyways, i g2g cause i feel kinda sick. =/ hehe

has anyone ever reassured u, but u were never comfortable?
heyyyy.

today was a long day. woke up & showered and headed downtown. walked from the train station to navy pier which was a good 2hr walk. we had like the whole family = 18 people with us. but when we got to navy pier, my sister found this place that embroidered plain hats. so she got one, n so did my brother. then my dad decided to get 5 for their paintball team. what a long time that took because it had my mom getting pissed off and everyone was hungry and grumpy. so when my dad finally finished he was pissed at my mom for being bitchy and idk what happened from there... my dad walked off. then he came back. we tried finding the rest of the family aka grammy & aunts & uncles.... but they didn't save seats for where they decided to eat at. so that pissed my mom off more... we all were walking to find a cab because daddy was soooooo pissed. and then in the middle of nowhere my parents started arguing in the middle of the sidewalks with tons of people walking around. so my mom walked off. and my dad was yelling my name, but i wanted to go with my mom... so my dad walked one way with my sister and brother... my mom walked another and i sat next to a cement brick wall and cried my eyes out because of my parents. then my dad came back & we found my mom. once i found my mom i didn't wanna let go. i was hugging her with all i had. then we settled... and got a cab.... and went to Gino's East Pizza. that's the best deep dish pizza i think i ever had. we finished dinner & caught the cab back to the train station. the trains were packed. i was kinda hoping that gramma & etc. wouldn't make the train.... but like... i wish stacey did. cause i love her. but everyone else... idk they just piss me off. cause they don't like me cause they think i'm too spoiled. w/e but everyone of them had to run to the train which i guess was funny torture. its freezing up here. we were soooo cold tonight. but i'm so emotionally exhausted.

i'm tired of my parents fighting at every family outting we have. and it gets ridiculous. tonight... it was so horrible... all i wanted to do was run away and pretend like nothing was wrong. I needed a shoulder to cry on. i had nobody to call that i could rely on. and i couldnt really call anyone because my phone... was at uncle critter's house. i don't want to call someone and have them say "awww i'm sorry" or have someone say "that sucks" or "that's gay". i just want someone to let me call them and listen to me. i can't think of one person that i can call that will listen to me anymore. i wish i could call jonah and just talk to him. i think he's the only one i can rely on. not because he is my ex boyfriend, and not because we had a relationship. its just because he is someone i can trust and talk to without a problem. he was always a great friend. and since i know jonah doesn't want to hear it anymore because we're over... i wish jb and ryan could come over right now. i miss them too much. my brothers. its sad.

i never realized how much people actually make their own families rather than stick with the ones they're given to by birth. i mean... i consider everyone in florida... like LOS people... my family, and up here... i don't even know these people... they're just labelled my family. i mean my dad even admitted that he believed jim & gail were more of an aunt and uncle rather than trixie and sean or paula and joey. that's just the way it is.

i'm just emotionally worn with no1 to burst on. this is why i'm so laidback. i get it now.

but while we were downtown... i enjoyed the lights, the noises, transportation, the people, etc. everything about being in the city was phenomenal! like the stores/shopping beautiful. (the boys downtown and on the trains were hotttt) gosh i wish i lived in a complex in the city. <33333

you can get everything you want. just work. duh.
wowzers. x posting. <3

daddy picked up dunkin donuts for breakfast. =) yesterday for lunch we went to Patillo's and man.... their food is priceless... i no longer "eat to live" i now... "live to eat". this food up here is so much better than in florida. afterwards we found lights to take home for our kitchen, which took 5 minutes. then we went to the mall. it was downhill from there.
---> went into A&F, daddy grew impatient and mommy and daddy started fighting about money again. i swear my dad is jewish. no offense anyone. now we leave the mall and come back to gail & jimmy's house. played with Casey & James some more. they are just adorable, i have pictures, and i will post them when i get home. but... then we headed to uncle critter's house. hung out with my little cousin brandon, n gave him a biggggg wedgy, and i go, "what are you gonna do now?!" and he goes, "go give auntie sherri (my mom) a wedgy." lol. anyways... we went to Ariello's for pizza. and damn that was the best pizza in the world. my dad was like, "its amazing that you can come back to the SAME place after 35 years and they still make the pizza the same."

after dinner ---> aunt maria, me, brandon, my mom, and sister left in the suburban... and uncle critter, lil chris, my brother & dad left in the mustang. well the suburban got home... but uncle critter's car didn't. turns out they got pulled over for speeding. the cop handcuffed my uncle cause he was "wreckless driving" and he got his car towed. plus, my uncle and dad both had a beer in the car, and 2 margaritas each at dinner, and my uncle's license plate was expired... geesh. my uncle was talking to my papa and goin', "if i had to empty my pockets, i would have had it in for myself." <--- implying what he had wasn't good. COUGH COUGH! lol... but he didn't get a DUI... just a speeding ticket or something and now he has to go to court. but that was his fault. ---> just showing off his new mustang. but that was the night.

today... i'm not sure what our plans are. i think i need to shower & when my dad gets home, my mom & i are going school shopping. =) bye byes xoxo

brrrrr. i'm outta florida thank goodness. =)
heyyy people. updating this journal from ---> chicago =)

we got here sometime around 1pm yesterday. the flight was smooth. we got off... got our luggage after waiting awhile cause the luggage door was stuck & they couldnt remove the luggage from the plane. grr. but papa picked us up & we went to Nikobee's for lunch. i coulda gone for some traditional real white castle, but eh... w/e. then we went to grammy's work & looked at houses to buy. we found one we really liked, its 2 story with a basement n its b-e-a-u-tiful. i shoulda took pictures of it, but i left the camera in the car. anyways... afterwards, we went to visit uncle joey & everyone. it's chilly up here. nothing like florida. everything is made of wood & bricks... it looks like the 1970's all over again, and it felt like it too when papa was playing his oldies music in the car. but yeah.... so we went to uncle joeys... i saw little milly & maddy all grown up, they're like s0o adorable & they look like twins.... then there is matt who is 16 & acts like my brother. i find that sick, but i talked to him & his friends for awhile... i didn't find out the name of the cute boy cause he was kinda quiet, but there was courtney who is carls girlfriend, which sux cause carl is cute hehe. but matt.... idk he's like my brother... the pictures make them look cuter than they really are lol. anyways stacey should be coming home 2night or 2morrow. so i'm excited to see her. omg lil' brandon = adorable.... but he has this obsession with pitching butts. kinda scary. he pitched my butt like a million times... n it hurts lol, but he is so cute. n lil' chris is adorable too. & he's sweet & funny. auntie mary & chris are funny as hell. aunt paula is kinda weird, but she is sweet. anyways... i'm sitting here on the computer cause i am waiting for my mom to finish getting ready before we go pick up some starbucks & head to pick up auntie trixie & go to portabello's for lunch =D i just lost a ton of weight from cheerleading and i get to gain it all back. ha. nice stuff. anyways.... it is an hour earlier here than it is over by u guys in florida. =/ but i have to give jonah a call tonight, and ashley.... ur letter is in the mail <33 o it doesn't look like i can go to hollister to shop..... its farrrrr away from here. in the woodfield mall which sux. o well <3 hope u enjoy the rest of ur humid summer.... cause the rest of mine is gonna be kinda chilly, and we don't even know when we are going to be leaving here... just praying i will be home on the 7th for the orientation. <3333333

you make me wanna la la in the kitchen on the floor. <333
today was the last day of cheer camp. awesome fun. talked to mike this morning, n worked on stunts most of the day... um... i didn't do much of anything else. we threw mike up into a basket toss... which i have a picture of. haha. and then for lunch, karen, me, brittany, michelle, heather & angie decided to get some chili's for some drink stealin'. lol. umm... then, we finished up practice & i finally got home.. and packed & jackie came over then i showered n we headed to the mall. afterwards we came back & ate some food & doug called jackie. since he had nothing to do, we picked him up @ taco bell... after jackie wanted to repeatedly take left's lol. umm... so we all came to my house... jackie hit doug in the eye with a marker & we laughed at dead baby jokes... which was filthy. doug beat me up with my pillows... & ummm we just had fun talking. but yeah... that was my night, they just left like around 11:40 which was like 5 minutes ago. and hmmm. now i am talking to jonah, who is now going out with whitney = awwww <3 congrats. but, i need to wash up & get my rest so i can sit on the airplane for awhile. ya know... i'm not sure when i'm coming back... but i have a performance on the 7th so my dad wants to leave like... the 5th s0o we can be home on the 7th? idk but its bedtime now... and if carol gets me my dooney & burke purse, i willllllll be happy for the next... month. who needs a boyfriend if u have clothes & purses? lol <3 bye byes

open up your eyes, don't u know u only get one life.
cheer camp was eh. but omg omg. i got my backhand spring on the cheese mat, by myself & 2morrow the dude from UCA is gonna help us with tumbling... i hope i can get it on the floor with a spot. =D i'm so intimidated with all the other girls' skills though. gosh, jealousy.

when i got home, i went straight to bed. i couldn't even bring myself to the bathroom to shower lol. but when i woke up, that's the first thing i did. =D

so my mom was talkin' to Cheri Hood from work. & Cheri was talking about how spoiled i seem because when i work... if there is nothing to do, i rest my head on the counter. & my mom was telling her to just tell me to get to work... but shit.. i work harder than half those people there... plus i got shit outside of work that i do... i won't dedicate myself to that fucking place. w/e.

so i'm thinking about going to get therapy. i don't think i can do this alone anymore. i hate sitting in camp or practice & getting those looks like "who wants u over here?" and stuff. idk i gotta find my independence in this world because i have this feeling that i'm bound to be alone. like... i don't even have a shoulder to cry on. whatever.

when you say love makes the world go round. ---> my broke heart has no f*ing use.
....today i woke up at 9ish... somehow i ended up in my mom's bed? perhaps i was sleep walking... i do not know. but anyways, i threw on some clothes & went to the mall. my mom got her haircut & while she was doing that my sister & i walked around the mall. i finally got the ashlee simpson cd. its hot shit. some songs remind me of hilary duff though. =/ n other people say it reminds them of avril. *shrug* whatever.

so when i got home... i talked to jonah over the phone... and then... got off the phone with him & fell asleep. the stupid thunder & lightning woke me up. then later... our new suburban rolled up in our driveway. damn its so hot that i just wanna hump it lol. its like... got a dvd player / tv with wireless headsets to listen to the sound. then we have XM radio, on star, we are getting limo tint 2morrow & when we get back from vacation my dad is buying 24's for it. awesomenesssss! omg it is so hot. so we took it over to my mom at work, and of course i got to drive, and like... mike came out with my mommy & him & i talked while mommy checked out the suburban. omg awesome. n then... i came home... then we ran out to get wendy's but i didn't eat. wasn't hungry. then i came home & watched simple life two. omg i love that show, holy shit. u f*ing rock, lol. u silly bitch. that's hot. XXX. omg baseball players are f*ing beautiful and like.... i want them so badly. nicole reminds me of my attitude.... not nice. o well. haha. i love paris. she is so cute. anyways i gotta get to bed, 2morrow is our first day of camp. haha! woot. only laura, chelsea & nikki aren't going =/ o well, me, michelle, n karen n angie will have fun. <3 bye bye

100 random things that i bet you never knew about me...
1. people can explain my feelings better than i can.

2. my middle name is Kristine & i wish it had been my first name.

3. i don't mind Briana, but i love when people call me Bri.

4. shopping, cheerleading & talking to boys are my only forms of therapy.

5. i love my friends in many different ways, yet, i couldn't categorize any of them as my best friend because they are all amazing.

6. i hate people who talk a lot about shit that i technically don't care about.

7. music is my comfort and i love to write my own lyrics.

8. but i would much rather be an actress because it has been my dream since day one.

9. i think that god punished me in 5th grade with chicken pox because i believe that if i didn't have the scars now, i would be too pretty for my own good.

10. my prettiness would bring me fame and things, and i don't think god wanted to put my family in the spotlight.

11. i rarely find myself being insecure, but everyone has their insecurities.

12. i'm really not ready to announce this... but i have tried to follow the tactics of bulimia and aneroxia.

13. solemnly believe that i didn't do it because i am uncomfortable with myself... but i've done it because i get caught up in believing since i am skinny, i should be that way.

14. this summer has been the worst for me... my cat was put to sleep, my boyfriend broke up with me, my parents have been threatening to send me away, i have indulged in eating disorders, and i am going to a new school ---> hopefully to find that friend connection that i've been dying for.

15. i am sickeningly independent on the inside.

16. i don't depend on boys, because they come and go, and i believe i'm decent looking enough to have enough confidence that i can find more.

17. i'd rather hang out with a buncha guys anyday, i find it hard to make friends with girls unless its a group like nikki, chelsea, & michelle who i can just be crazy with & stick together.

18. i'm horrified of alcohol & cigarettes, and i don't wanna be peer pressured into trying pot, just because i might give in and i don't want to.

19. my mom smokes cigarettes & i want to puke everytime i think about it, but my dad does pot with his friends.

20. i'm not afraid of the future... i just don't wanna grow up, i like being 16.

21. my family prefers that i was 4 years old again, because i was much easier to deal with.

22. but my dad's anger reaches so high towards me these days that he enjoys throwing objects like forks to my tummy & remotes to my head, only to say a weak, unacceptable "i'm sorry" to me afterwards.

23. i believe in fate and that everything happens for a reason, and you should never attempt to bring your past into your future... there is no need to let history repeat itself.

24. mr. g taught me that.

25. i loved him, along with mrs. stoughton, they got me to enjoy eighth grade.

26. i'm not conceited, just very comfortable with the way i look and act... i blame jonah for that lol.

27. i get eager to say "i love you" to people.

28. so don't be scared, i just like to say it, in hopes i can hear something meaningful, in response, coming from people's mouths.

29. i've only been jealous of britney spears, & the hot people of hollywood, because i could have had that lifestyle, yet i am so in denial.

30. nobody loves me the way i want them to, but i know, that doesn't mean they don't love me at all.

31. personally, i don't think people should have regrets.

32. i dream so much, that i could stay in bed all day & think about doing so many enjoyable things, and be happy the rest of the day, because i can pretend like i did them.

33. i get cold very easily, same with being hot.

34. i can't be mean to ANYBODY, but there are people that i just don't like, yet they have no clue because i am sweet to them.

35. i don't like when someone i care about is even slightly pissed at me.

36. i get nervous, my hands shake, and i tend to throw up.

37. politics confuse me, so i tend to not listen to them, i just want to vote for president and be done with it.

38. half of the time, i forget who is running the country anyways.

39. i don't believe in a family... technically, you are forced to live with strangers from birth & you grow up and learn about them & are forced to say you love one another because you live with them and they are labelled as family.

40. but what if you were too busy being punished and hurt to get to know your dad?

41. i am ashamed of my dad because of his temper, my mom = because she smokes, my sister because she snaps back, and my brother because he is into drugs and is wigger - ish.

42. i love my dad because he has given me so much, but he's too busy to give me his time. my mom, i love her because she will do anything for me and i can spend time and talk to her. my brother, i love him because him and i can be stupid without fighting. my sister, because she n i are just wonderful together.

43. i procrastinate, and i tend to not get things done, but i always seem to come out as the over achiever... or just on top.

44. what i wouldn't do to be a top priority in someone's life.

45. i admire --> britney spears, mariah carey, whitney houston, my mom, carol, eminem, ryan, & jonah.

46. i want two kids, but i can't see myself being married.

47. i pretend to be spoiled, but i'm not.

48. always found that school was a waste of my time.

49. tend to learn more reading and doing the work at home than in school.

50. i fear nothing but death.

51. it's not that i couldn't handle IB, i just wasn't comfortable there, at atlantic.

52. i adore sleep, but i can't stand sleeping in my own bed. but i have my teddy that i ALWAYS sleep with.

53. i'd rather sleep in someone else's bed, just because it's not "mine".

54. i wish to attend UCF because of cheerleading... and psych. and hema and jonah.... etc.

55. for some reason, i'm not eager to find a guy to love me, like everyone else is in dying need to feel a guy's arms around them.

56. the best way to ruin a relationship is to rush into one and start it off.

57. i know this is none of your business, but my period is irregular because of how fast my body weight changes.

58. i love the feeling of being alone and independent.

59. i have so many hopes and dreams but none of them have ever came true...

60. deep inside, everyone is the exact same... and that's how i know i can relate to everyone.

61. i grew up wayyyy to fast because i've always hung out with older people.

62. i miss bret daniel.

63. "she will be loved" by maroon 5 is my latest favorite song.

64. i've always wanted to have sex with him, but because we broke up, i'm glad i didn't.

65. i don't know if i can wait until marriage, but i'd love to.

66. my favorite words in the world are: fruit, doushe bag, and kinky.

67. i never realize when i'm being taken advantage of.

68. this 100 thing is getting harder than i thought.

69. i've always wanted green eyes, but lately, i'm thinking twice about them.

70. i love collecting and counting change.

71. but i don't like the way change smells & how it leaves your hands smelling.

72. i never liked taking pictures until i saw the ones that brittany took of me back in December 2003.

73. i wish danielle & brittany didn't have to grow up. i'm still ready to make more franklin tapes & water balloon fights...

74. if i ever get a boyfriend, i want to go out and have fun, but be able to hang around the house during the day & watch movies and munch, plus it'd be nice if he became friends with my parents.

75. i will never forget when brett came over and watched football on t.v. with my dad a few years ago.

76. with the millions of guys that i have went out with... i've always seemed to have had... MY heart broke.

77. somehow i am still standing here today... and i'm not depressed and i don't have suicidal thoughts. i've had my heart broken... more than 11 times.

78. i love listening to other people's problems, but i feel guilty when i don't have any advice or any comments, i just like listening.

79. i miss my cat. and when my dog goes away... i'll miss her too.

80. ever since the day i was born my cat was in my life... she was 18, and had the same birthday as me.

81. ...my mom has the same birthday as me.

82. my cat was my only comfort.

83. i feel helpless for my mom... i want her to be happy & active like she used to be. work wears her out.

84. i think the weirdest things are hot.

85. i love my feet.

86. and my tummy.

87. you don't have to tell me twice... i have a big apple bottom, and if i sit on you, and you become a pancake... i'm truly sorry.

88. i don't like to read. i want to read, but unless the author puts the middle of the book in the beginning of the story... i won't enjoy it.

89. i don't think i would have a problem putting in contacts because i always touch my eyes, and i don't even blink, nor is it complicated.

90. i do love the ninety's.

91. my favorite numbers are all odd. 3, 19, 21, 69, 91.

92. i love accessories, and my favorite one would be either bracelets or purses.

93. i would die for a yorkshire terrier.

94. if someone tapped my butt repeatedly when i was a little girl... i would fall asleep.

95. there are such things as miracles.

96. i wish nobody had to die.

97. you are my support.

98. he has made me a better person, and i can't explain how much thanks i have for him and how much respect i have for him.

99. cheerleading is my anti-drug....

100. and so are you. i love you.

good night homie. xoxo <3