to: tyler, tyler william.
(if i could tell you anything, this would be it.)

hi.

please just listen to what i have to say, and know that i'm not expecting a response.
i'm not expecting answers or reactions.
all i need is this time to let you know for once without feeling embarassed
or completely rushed and nervous,
exactly what's going on.
without pretty words, or details you already know, and without emotions you don't need.

for three years and more i have avoided you.
and in most moments within those years that i have not been able to avoid you,
i have absolutely tried my best to hate you.
the thing about humans is that when we dont understand certain things
and we can't comprehend our own feelings
we get scared of what is truth
and we layer ourselves with complicated emotions that quite possibly, are not really there.

when i realized that you hated me
i didn't want to accept that as a fact or have to sort out the details,
i just wanted to hate you back.
i pretended to hate you because loving you was by far the easiest thing to do,
and i didn't understand how or why that was possible.

after all this time, for whatever reason we are hating each other
and continuing to not talk,
i would like to first say that as complicated as i have made this
(and far too late to have any meaning to you)

i love you.
and when i see you, i absolutely ache.

i ache in parts of my body i didn't even know that i had.


i know that you have her.
and i also know that she's quite possibly the closest thing to perfect i have ever seen in a fifteen year old.
i know that she's lovely and i know every reason
why you would love her more than you ever were capable of loving me.

but with that said,
i need you to know that somehow through moving on in my life
and also finding someone close to perfect for myself
and loving him in the best ways possible,
i have found that no matter how perfect someone can be for you
sometimes you just can't quit on someone you sold out to long before.

and despite the complications of my boyfriend
and the embarassing fact that i am telling all of this to you knowing how deeply in love you are with haley,

i haven't quit on you.

i gave a part of me to you 3 years ago,
a piece of me that loved the hardest, and in the truest form,
and that part of me is unfortunately the one thing michael will never have.

love is so funny.
within these past 3 years of avoiding you
i have done so little to tell you any of this,
and at other times i have talked way too much and gone to stupid measures to contact you and
probably driven you crazy.

it's so strange to me that within this time period
i have been the one thing you desired most
and the one person you have cared for least.
i think somehow i must have gotten the bitter end.
somehow my feelings for you were never capable of changing.
and trust me, i tried.

i can't change you.
and i don't want to.
i am happy for you being happy.
and alive. and full.
but with me moving on in life, and soon moving on up North,
i just wanted to tell you that no matter where i am
or who i am with
or especially how i act,

for some crazy reason i know right now
that i am going to love you for the rest of my life.
and that's just something hard i have to deal with.


and i am a complete aching mess without you.

play me a melody on the piano