i am trying to believe.
it is getting harder to change as i get older.

but i keep finding myself longing to have what they have.


that relationship.
that firm belief in a god.
that trust that their own life is in his hands.

and it's all taken care of.


i keep wanting to risk all of my friends, my habits, my talk, my decisions, just to have this thing that i see in all of them.

this happiness.

this indescribable unspoken pleasure.

with life.
with people.
with changes.
with worry.


i want that.

and i seriously think i'm going after it this time.
i just don't know where to begin.

i have questioned a god for so long.
but what i see in them has got to be real.

play me a melody on the piano