For whoever is Reading, this Journal may be old, but these Entries are just as New as I Am.
i deleted about 200 entries these last few nights.

i came home for spring break, and i was overwhelmed to find so many things in my old, green room that reminded me of years ago.

things that reminded me of people i haven't spoken to in so many months.

i began to dig through old notebooks, old poems, old files in my computer,
and i remembered this journal.

i deleted every entry that followed september of 2004 and kept all entries that preceded it because i truly believe

everything before september of that year, was quite possibly the happiest times of my life.

i am almost 18 now. in college. long-term relationship.
my friends have changed. my mind has changed.
my face has changed.

it is so funny to me in reading this journal of mine, that no matter how old you get, you still have some of the same questions about life that you had when you were the most naive'.

i am not searching for some life-changing events
or moments that can make me feel infinite again,
but i still have questions.

i still have my doubts.

those endless, small things that keep me awake at night, when i am lying in bed next to the guy who believes he's going to marry me.


i don't feel the need to catch you up on my life thus far.

i will say it's hasn't been terrible.
i will also remark that there's so much in looking back that could've helped a lot to make it better.

but that is always the case.

i find myself wishing that i wouldn't have adored the spotlight so much when i was in highschool.
i find myself wishing i wouldn't have felt that always having a boyfriend provided me with some kind of false sense of self-worth.

in reading this journal over again, i have been reminded of some of the deepest heartache i have ever gone through, and at the time, couldn't imagine life ever being harder.

but i know now, that there is much worse.

i have also smiled a great deal at remembering how amazing close friends are, and the silly things that are so simple that keep you going.
that keep you laughing.

but i also know now that close friends like that are extremely hard to find once you're surrounded by so many people that want to be "grown up".

life moves way too fast.

i am currently in college. and sadly, i already feel like i am married.
i love him.
but i get scared when i keep thinking of my ex, and i fear that maybe, no matter what kind of love my boyfriend could show me,
he is just not the one.

and my next fear is:
if he's not the one, but we've come this far-
when does it end?

he is so grown. and i feel grown when i am around him,
but i realize with all of my doubts and these questions that truly,
on the inside,
i am still so incredibly young.

i still need my mother's advice to feel solid about my decision-making.
i still long for a best friend to sleepover.
and quite possibly, i even still think about talking to new guys.
maybe even being single for awhile.

i have fit in well with the college crowd these last few months,
but maybe on the inside,
i am sad i'm missing senior prom.

and maybe i just want to sleep at home, and have my parents wake me up on school days and for breakfast on saturdays again.

i have woken up every morning to my boyfriend's alarm, and the sound of his shower.
i have started most day by making some coffee for myself before i carry myself to class.


at this age, i should still be dreaming.

and that's what this journal is really for.

the real me.
the young-girl me.

the one who loves life, and doubts her "solid" relationship,
and maybe, just maybe,
wants to be with the one guy she feels sure her heart is telling her is right.

because outside of this journal and these online pages,
the real world would tell me:

you need to wake up to reality.
your heart is not your guide.

------------------------------------------
quote of the day:

"i just think it's fascinating how people treat each other,it's like,

if you like someone, you're not supposed to show it-
and if you hate someone, you're supposed to pretend that you like them so they won't know you hate them-

but if you love someone, shouldn't it be easier?
you should be able to relax for once- after you get past the crazy stuff"

play me a melody on the piano