after i get done venting i PROMISE to never have a journal entry this long or pessmistic EVER again
i'm trying to forget every part of yesterday. every single part.

erica was right- i ALWAYS have fun with her, nathan, patrick....we just ALWAYS have a good time. and last night at chili's...i had a headache, nathan wasn't picking on erica -strange- patrick didn't talk much. i'm still not sure what happened to us but i pray it never happens again. and when i say pray i mean really, truly praying. there was more to it than that, i just seriously don't know what went wrong. i had a headache and was trying to interact still and talk to people but i felt so horrible. the room was spinning and it was just- it was horrible. of course me worrying about everything the way i do didn't help...which i've gotten better about...but last night i was definitely worrying. and as i said, me worrying about everything, well, one thought lead to another and i kept thinking "is it me?, does nathan not like me?, what's happening to all of us?".....tons of horrible things. i'm smart enough to come to the conclusion it's none of those things because i'm sure it wasn't even as bad as i make it sound. but what can i say. i'm pretty bad about analyzing one thing until i've completely lost common sense and just have this one big jigsaw puzzle of an idea running non stop through my head...and i keep it all in because god knows if i let out some of those analytical thoughts- it'd be like one huge volcano explosion of puzzle pieces and anyone who even TRIED to understand the puzzle or catch a piece at that would die trying. im serious. i'm confusing like that. so last night i told my self to stop analyzing...and tell myself reasons why the night was not THAT bad. this is my list i came up with -

reasons why the night couldn't have been as bad as i made it sound :

well i had a spell of virdigo and felt like i was going to puke so i went to the bathroom and just stood there crying because nothing would stop spinning...then came back to the group when i realized crying didnt help and puke was not going to come out

nathan and i didnt get to talk much because there was so much noise and i had a really bad headache

my mom was standing over my shoulder MAKING me eat because she thinks im going anorexic which IM NOT. i just didnt want those cheesesticks and i wasn't allowed to take the tylenol until i ate...

so i never took the tylenol which meant i had a headache the whole night

erica was upset because patrick didnt even talk to her...he just snapped at her when she smiled at him. how nice of him.

we were supposed to take nathan and pat home and their mom KNEW that..and nathan at some point in the chaos of the night called her and told her to pick them up??

erica was supposed to stay the night with me...but asked me to stay the night with her instead when she got to chili's cause her dad just got home from puerto rico

so i convince my mom to let me go to her house at the last minute which was stressful in itself

so we're at erica's house and my mom callls and says shes ON HER WAY TO PICK ME UP - at midnight mind you - because i "put her under pressure" at the last minute by changing plans

that was the LAST time i was going to get to hang otu with erica for the whole summer possibly. WHOLE summer.

i cried myself to sleep last night. ( to top it off )



so that was my list...i really did TRY to think of something good that actually happened.
and there was nothing besides uh nathan and patrick made it home safe. i have friends. and me and erica will atleast get to talk to each other long distance until school starts?? hmm...man that makes the night SO much better. i should definitely be an optimist i mean c'mon. my life is jsut so perfect.

1 piano players | play me a melody on the piano