drowning-in-you
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2005 31 July :: 9.14am
:: Music: Cool - Gwen Stefani
i hate that...
sometimes it's good to be a chismosa...but then again sometimes there are things that you just don't want to know...
i hate knowing things about someone else when it could hurt someone else's feelings...*sigh*...cuz then it gets me thinking if i should tell the other person for their own good...idk...but then it also makes me mad because i can't do anything about what the person is doing...grr...
am i making any sense?...*oi*...talk later...
oh btw, i got a tattoo yesterday w/ my dad...i'll post pics up later...
royal load of cranberries
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drowning-in-you
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2005 27 July :: 11.04pm
:: Mood: curious
my escape
i'm a chickenshit
that's basically what all of this entry will say...but let me explain why exactly i am a chickenshit...i'm scared...of a lot of things...
let's focus on one though...naps...
what?...let me explain damnit lol...
i hate to be in fights...not physical ones...like fights w/ friends or jeremy or my dad...i hate them...i hate feeling anger w/ them...& i just wish that instead of struggling to try & fix it (even though sometimes it's not always your fault, but maybe theirs), all those problems could disappear...
this is where naps come in...
i think i've always been the type of person to run away from things...when devon & i broke up, i ran back to chc to get away from it...but that didn't work, i still stuck w/ him...we're friends, don't get me wrong...but it was stupid...i don't like dealing w/ things that i don't think i can handle, even if it's small or stupid...so...my thing that i've realized i've done...naps...
got upset w/ jeremy tonight, dunno if he knew why lol...i'm just mean like that, i always get upset for the littlest things & don't expect him to know what he did wrong (if it was even him who did the wrong in the first place)...i just didn't want to pretend i was happy...but i also didn't want to blow up @ him, tell him i was upset, & just yell...i hate doing that...that's all my dad does...i think maybe it's because of my dad that i have a bad temper & am irrational about things...*shrugs*...anywho, so instead of being anything w/ him, i decided to fall asleep...which btw, is really hard to do, cuz you're angry...but yeah...& when i got back to jeremy's house...he started doing something on the computer...& i got angry...& i just layed down & started napping...
napping has become my escape...i don't do it all the time...& granted when i do take naps 95% of the time it's cuz i'm tired...so to those who read this, if i take a nap near you, more than likely i'm not pist...just sleepy lol...but i just wanted to put out there & for my own realization that i do sometimes run away from problems this way...
naps are my escape...talk later...
1 extra bushel |
royal load of cranberries
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drowning-in-you
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2005 21 June :: 8.12am
what i wish i knew before
Don't EVER leave the one you love for the one you like because the one you like will leave you for the one they love
1 extra bushel |
royal load of cranberries
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drowning-in-you
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2005 17 June :: 11.45pm
:: Mood: crushed
talent down the drain...
i think i realized why i don't like to do any music anymore...
i think it's that i feel like when i share some kind of talent w/ someone they don't like it or forget about it...& then i feel like it's not important or they didn't like it...
example: i wrote a poem for someone...not the best, but i hadn't done so in a long time...& i wanted it to be cute & funny, not really serious...i had a printed copy for them...not only did they say nothing, but it's on the passenger side floor in my truck...hmmm...
& it's things like this (believe me it's happened so many other times to me before from others) that make me believe that i suck at anything creative...makes me not want to write poems or songs...& discourages me...sucks...i wish i could get past it...i guess i am a crybaby & weak at this...*sigh*...talk later...
royal load of cranberries
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drowning-in-you
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2005 14 June :: 4.31pm
:: Mood: hurt
:: Music: alana grace - black roses red
bad feeling...
...can you turn my black roses red?...
i felt like cutting today...haven't felt like that in a long time...i wanted to so badly, but i wanted to keep my promise to jeremy...so i'm trying to hold back...
...talk later...
royal load of cranberries
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drowning-in-you
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2005 4 June :: 12.39am
:: Mood: curious
subject: guilt
guilt is one of the worst feelings any human being can possibly feel, besides a few others...guilt is a feeling that can slowly eat away at you as fast or slow as it wants to...i hate guilt...guilt is no friend of mine, oh no...
sometimes, it's a feeling that we shouldn't feel, but for odd reasons we choose to take it upon ourselves to feel it...for example...the stereotype (ok i know stereotypes shouldn't be a part of this, but hear me out) of a kid in the middle of his parents divorce...though it's clearly the parent's problem, the child sometimes is led to believe that in some way it was their fault that led to the divorce...and sometimes that child grows up to feel like he's the bad guy, when really, he's just an innocent child that was put in the wrong family setting...he feels guilt, which he shouldn't feel...
then of course, there's a true guilt...when someone has done something wrong and all of a sudden *bam* it hits them that "oh maybe i shouldn't have done that"...& they start thinking...& it starts to eat at them...what if someone finds out?...is it possible to confess w/out being punished?..."will i feel this way forever?"...
so i bet you're thinking "ok becky, what did you do that's eating away at you right now?"...well to be honest, a lot...but in my life...in all my 18 years, i have felt guilt for the longest time...
I've felt guilty bout all the things i've either done or said wrong...guilty bout putting blame on others when really i'm a hypocrite...guilty of hurting people's feelings...guilty of manipulating people...guilty of lying, esp. to my family...hey, i was even the kid in the first example who felt guilty bout my parent's divorce (both times)...
guilt is something we feel, but why?...is it just a little bit of like God trying to be on our shoulder & making us realize how dumb we are?...is it our concious?...is it just a personal thing, like am i the only one who feels this way?...it's a frustrating feeling that i've delt w/ for a long time...& it's also a stupid feeling to those who are stubborn...cuz then we know what it feels like cuz we keep doing the same mistakes...*sigh*...there was not much of a point to this, i just needed something to type about...talk later...
royal load of cranberries
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drowning-in-you
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2005 17 May :: 9.20pm
:: Mood: gloomy
:: Music: Behind These Hazel Eyes - Kelly Clarkson
stupid...
"now all that's left of me is what i pretend to be so together but so broken up inside"
...so things don't seem to be ok w/ me...i'm just getting depressed again...at least i haven't cut again...not in a month...i thought bout it last night though, i do admit...anywho...i jsut feel like i'm not good enough for him...& i start to feel like a lame-o...idk...just bringing myself down...& i hate it when my friends do this...but i guess it happens to the best (or worse) of us...blah...
just not feeling myself lately...& i find a lot of comfort being around certain people (or person actually)...and much comfort singing along to kelly clarkson...hmm...talk later...
royal load of cranberries
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drowning-in-you
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2005 6 May :: 12.31am
:: Mood: tired
pushed aside...
pushed aside...
just another toy pushed aside just like the others...
used...
torn...
broken...
once loved, but all for not more than one moment of happiness...
just another piece of your heart...
pushed aside...
royal load of cranberries
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drowning-in-you
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2005 12 April :: 10.11pm
:: Mood: crushed
:: Music: What Are You Waiting For? - Lindsay Lohan
talk w/ devon
sweet now i have the video says:
anything new?
To get anything beautiful in life you have to be willing to endure some pain says:
no
To get anything beautiful in life you have to be willing to endure some pain says:
nuthin new
sweet now i have the video says:
o...
To get anything beautiful in life you have to be willing to endure some pain says:
u?
sweet now i have the video says:
nope, just here scratchin my arm
To get anything beautiful in life you have to be willing to endure some pain says:
fun
sweet now i have the video says:
i think so
To get anything beautiful in life you have to be willing to endure some pain says:
atleast you not scrachin your ass
sweet now i have the video says:
....
sweet now i have the video says:
yeah
...if only he knew...talk later...
royal load of cranberries
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drowning-in-you
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2005 12 April :: 2.01am
:: Mood: depressed
:: Music: Because of You - Kelly Clarkson
*because of you i don't know how to let anyone else in*
i told devon my arm was numb...he said he was sorry...
i don't think he got the fact that i'm cutting myself now...& i was cutting while i was on the phone w/ him...
...talk later...
royal load of cranberries
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drowning-in-you
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2005 11 April :: 5.38pm
:: Mood: depressed
:: Music: Behind These Hazel Eyes - Kelly Clarkson
soo....
i cut myself last night...felt ok then...i looked at the scars & i kinda wondered wtf i was thinking...but i'm sure i'll do it again...how funny is that? that i know i have a problem...but i'm gonna continue it...
i need a cigarette too lol...oh jeez i'm fucked...talk later...
royal load of cranberries
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