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2005 6 June :: 12.31 am
The only reason I wasn't feeling uber terribly awful about missing Kelly's open house was because Nick said she's a friend and it'll be okay because friends forgive etc. etc. I was just feeling terribly awful.
So once I saw her journal entry, I began the uber part.
Always the first star that I find |
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2005 5 June :: 2.40 am
You know that thing about how I feel awkward and afraid that my boyfriend will go out and tell all his friends everything that we do and joke about it and laugh about it and brush it off like it's nothing?
I still have it.
I know you told Ben and I was okay with that but I'm still awkward because even though you told him, it didn't do anything but give us the freedom to talk about it around him. I'd like it if he'd talk about it.
And there's something else but it's inappropriate if I start it here.
Always the first star that I find |
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2005 5 June :: 2.34 am
I feel bad because there's stuff I haven't told Katie.
I almost feel that all this stress and crying is because I feel so guilty and so pent up about it.
But she's my bestest best friend. No matter what, she'll be there. There's nothing I can say that will ever change that.
Then why am I so scared?
Because maybe I'm wrong. And there is something that will make her not be there for me.
And maybe this is it.
1 You are my satellite |
Always the first star that I find |
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2005 4 June :: 3.01 pm
For graduation, I received The Bell Jar by Sylvia Plath.
It was very good. As I read it, I felt like I wasn't reading about Esther Greenwood's experiences in college and, later, in the state mental hospital, but Sylvia Plath's.
Everytime Esther got really depressed (she was manic-depressive, it was sad) she'd become eerily aware of her heartbeat and say something about it pounding out "I am, I am, I am". That weirded me out because I could've sworn I'd heard it before.
And I had.
Four years earlier, Sylvia Plath wrote those words in her poem Suicide off Egg Rock: "And his blood beating the old tattoo/I am, I am, I am."
Read more..
Katie, I think you'd like the book. Esther is like Holden, only not so over the top.
I think my sister would like this book too.
Esther thinks getting married and having children would get in the way of having a career and becoming a writer. She can have a family or be a poet, not both.
She has some crazy Holden-esque sexual feelings too. It's pretty interesting.
Totally awesome book. It made me want to read Sylvia Plath's poetry again.
And again.
I really wish she hadn't killed herself.
Always the first star that I find |
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2005 1 June :: 11.34 pm
Love underwhelms you.
Always the first star that I find |
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2005 1 June :: 8.53 pm
Spelling left horrid because it makes it even more hilarious...
but its weird cuz u tracey and katie were late when you left school, if you know what im talking about, i think the school tried to impregnate you
1 You are my satellite |
Always the first star that I find |
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2005 1 June :: 1.12 am
I've heard guys talk about their relationships.
And I'm always afraid that someone has talked about my relationship that way.
I'm crying again. I'm so tired of crying.
Always the first star that I find |
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2005 28 May :: 10.48 pm
Call me stupid but I'm jealous.
Always the first star that I find |
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2005 28 May :: 1.23 pm
I was thinking about Jackie and Matador last night and, really, I'll be pissed if they break up over that Matador smoking thing.
Always the first star that I find |
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2005 28 May :: 1.20 pm
I like how I'm all for pro-choice but if it's my kid, I'm not having an abortion.
That's how I am on a lot of things.
Always the first star that I find |
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2005 26 May :: 8.22 am
The thing I hate most in the entire world (minus Tibet still being under Chinese rule and starvation and bad world things) is when people honk their car horn to tell me they're here and don't have the decency to come knock on the door.
I am not a piece of meat. A man with a brown bag is not going to come out of my house, hand you your food and you'll be on your way.
You could save my time and yours by just getting out of the car and walking up to the door. The time you're wasting calling me because I didn't come outside when you honked your horn could've been better spent on some fresh air and exercise by stepping out of your car and coming to the door.
Or on saving Tibet.
Because I will never come to your car after you honk the horn. I know you're there, I heard your car. I'm just going to sit her until you come up to the door. Go ahead and call me. Yeah, I'll talk to you but you better bet on me wasting your time like you're wasting mine.
/rant
Always the first star that I find |
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2005 25 May :: 11.48 am
This is from my favorite poet's journals.
I love people. Everybody. I love them, I think, as a stamp collector loves his collection. Every story, every incident, every bit of conversation is raw material for me. My love's not impersonal yet not wholly subjective either. I would like to be everyone, a cripple, a dying man, a whore, and then come back to write about my thoughts, my emotions, as that person. But I am not omniscient. I have to live my own life, and it is the only one I'll ever have. And you cannot regard your own life with objective curiosity all the time...
With me, the present is forever, and forever is always shifting, flowing, melting. This second is life. And when it is gone, it is dead. But you can't start over with each second. You have to judge by what is dead. It's like quicksand...hopeless from the start. A story, a picture can renew sensation a little, but not enough, not enough. Nothing is real except the present, and already, I feel the weight of centuries smothering me. Some girl a hundred years ago once lived as I do. And she is dead. I am the present, but I know I, too, will pass. The high moment, the burning flash, come and are gone, continuous quicksand. And I don't want to die.
Holden said, "What really knocks me out is a book, when you're all done reading it, you wished the author that wrote it was a terrific friend of yours and you could call him up on the phone whenever you felt like it."
I wish I could call up J.D. Salinger and Sylvia Plath whenever I felt like it.
1 You are my satellite |
Always the first star that I find |
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2005 23 May :: 4.41 pm
I wish I could drive.
Then I could take Katie on her perfect outing.
Minus the kiss. Maybe.
Hee. I love you, darling.
I do wish I could take you places though.
Always the first star that I find |
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2005 23 May :: 12.19 am
Why'd you have to be so cute
It's impossible to ignore you
Must you make me laugh so much
It's bad enough we get along so well
Say goodnight and go
Always the first star that I find |
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2005 23 May :: 12.01 am
Do you know how awesome Nick is?
Did you know that he's the best person in the world?
Did you know that he's the best boyfriend in the world?
Well he is. He's all of that.
And a lot more.
I love Nick.
Always the first star that I find |
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