:: 2005 23 March :: 11.12 pm

This is the main cause of my tears and will be for a while.
I'm the only one staying.






Katie: dorms at Western
Nick: probably dorms at Davenport
Ben: (I've been losing Ben since his other women came onto the scene and he graduated early.) maybe dorms at Davenport
Kelly: dorms at anywhere (probably Central)
Kyle: dorms at... Hope was it?

I've run out of friends...um...

Brett: dorms at State
Amanda: dorms at State
Tracey: dorms at (if she gets into it) U of M (if not, then one her 400 other ones)
Ashley: (She made me REALLY mad today. She came up to me, while I was talking to Brigitte, interrupted our conversation, didn't notice how totally upset Brigitte was even though she was standing right next to her, didn't notice that I was trying to cheer her up and launched into this giant pity party complaint about her math test. While Brigitte was upset about her boyfriend breaking up with her because he likes her best friend. She's probably back to doing drugs again.) dorms at U of M if she gets in.

And Jackie's already gone.

I'm missing a lot of people I care about a lot but I don't know where or where they aren't going.





Nick said college is all about meeting new people and making new friends.




That's when I started to cry. I don't want to make new friends if that means I lose the old ones.

Always the first star that I find

:: 2005 23 March :: 10.48 pm

I am not doing that great.
Nick and I talked about not talking. It was nice and he made me feel better.

Until today when we weren't talking.

I planned on going over to his house after play practice. Of course, since I planned on doing so, talked about doing so and expected to do so, I ended up not be able to do so.

And almost cried at school in front of some other fairy girl in the play.

It's my fault, too. (Whether or not this is true is moot. I believe it to be true so it is.) I can't drive, so I couldn't get down to his house, so I couldn't hang out with him.
He came over anyway and we hung out before going to dinner for Buddy's [belated] birthday. We came home, I found out Ben called a couple times, I called him.

Ben didn't sound very happy. I thought we should go over there and cheer him up.

We did. Go over there I mean.

It seems like everyone important to me is sad, depressed or upset.

And it makes me cry ten times more than when I'm feeling like that.





I cried in Nick's car on the way to Ben's. I don't know why. I lie. I do but it's a stupid reason.

I purposefully made sure Nick wouldn't see/couldn't tell that I was crying.





I cried when I called him just a bit ago and he said he wasn't in a talking mood.







I'm so tired of crying. I wish that I could cry everything out so I don't need to do these small spurts of tears. I wish that I could have cried when Nick was here. Or when we were not on the road. Or when I didn't not want him to notice.

Or when he cared.










I love you. Whoever you are.

Always the first star that I find

:: 2005 22 March :: 3.25 pm

I forgot to tell you this: I didn't care that you left and abandoned me. What hurts more is [that] I would still die for you.




I've been in a not so good mood all day.

I just need a hug.

Always the first star that I find

:: 2005 21 March :: 11.31 pm

We don't really talk anymore.

I don't know whether I like it or hate it.

Always the first star that I find

:: 2005 21 March :: 10.58 pm

I didn't realize how much I missed hanging out with Katie.

She rocks.

Always the first star that I find

:: 2005 21 March :: 4.07 pm

You're just jealous because I'm young and in love.

Yeah!

1 You are my satellite | Always the first star that I find

:: 2005 20 March :: 10.47 pm

I wish I could just talk to Nick.

It feels like I don't really get to talk to him anymore.

Or hang out with him without things getting in the way.

Always the first star that I find

:: 2005 19 March :: 12.22 am

There are some things I'm never going to forgive myself for.

Always the first star that I find

:: 2005 18 March :: 11.59 pm

I trust you, I really do.

I'm just not comfortable with them staying the night there. I know that doesn't mean anything and won't change anything and nothing will come from me saying that.

I don't think they'll come but most of that thought, no, all of that thought is hope. I hope that they don't show up.

I trust you, Nick. I trust you with every piece of my being.

Aren't I still allowed to be scared?

I feel so horrible. I trust you, really, I do.

Crying helped. A lot.

I feel better about it now.

I'm still afraid.

It might take two to tango but it only takes one to initiate.

Always the first star that I find

:: 2005 17 March :: 11.24 pm

Everyone's afraid of their own life
I feel like crying for no reason other than the fact that I just really feel that I have to.

I felt the same way earlier.

It's weird. Everything just feels so disjointed. Everything feels off.

Something feels wrong and I don't know what it is but it's driving me insane.

Nick was curious as to why I haven't updated. I don't know.

Every day this week has been taken up by school then play practice. The only computer we had was the laptop and I never really do anything on that.

And all of my clothes feel like somebody's old throwaways. I don't like it.

I hate it.

I'm just off.

I don't know what's up. I don't know what's wrong.

I had a screaming fight with Nick on the phone the other day. I still feel bad about it.

And once again, I don't feel as if I'm enough. There are better girls out there, I'm just waiting for one of them to steal Nick away. Someone who can buy him things, drive to see him, kiss better, love better.

I can't get comfortable either. I can't get cozy. I still have the fear that everything I've built will collapse. I thought I was fine the first time we dated. I thought everything was okay with past relationships.

I can't help it. I can't just not compare or look back. Those things made me who I am. Those events make me.

I'm scared. I'm scared of a thousand things.

We graduate in May. Two months from now, we'll be done.

My best friend is going to live on campus. Kelly is too.

And Nick is thinking of doing the same.

Two months from now, we won't just be done.

We'll be gone.

You can never know everything about a person.

No one really knows the ones they love. If you knew everything they thought, I bet you'd wish that they'd just shut up.

I don't know. I'm just blah. Sorry.

We'll see how things go.

I have a thousand fears right now.

We don't talk as much as I wish we would. The other day, when I was just talking and didn't know if you were listening, or didn't care, I liked it. I could spill whatever.

I just want someone to listen. I don't want advice. I want you to listen to how scared I am. I know they're stupid things to be afraid of. I know that they'll go away. I know it'll be okay.

I just need you to listen.

I need a back massage. Or a hug.

Or something.

No, I need someone.

I hate crying alone.

Let me know that You love me and let that be enough.

I've been praying a lot lately. I always do when I cry a lot.

It's hard to remember we're alive for the first time.

It's hard to remember we're alive for the last time.

It's hard to remember to live before you die.

It's hard to remember that our lives are such a short time.

It's hard to remember when it takes such a long time.

It's hard to remember.

There. I updated.

I love you.

That's all I do know.

Why fight this?

Always the first star that I find

:: 2005 14 March :: 10.21 pm

Man maybe it is just me but I think buying diamonds to demonstrate your love/committment/whatever to someone is one of the dumbest ideas ever. Basically you are saying "baby, I am willing to spend ridiculous amounts of money on an essentially useless piece of shiny rock." That is hell of stupid.

(I mean, unless you really LIKE tiny little pieces of shiny rock whose value has been artificially inflated by the international cartel that controls their distribution and production. Then buy as many diamonds as you want, I guess.)



I AGREE!

Always the first star that I find

:: 2005 13 March :: 11.32 am
:: Music: It's Good to Be in Love by Frou Frou

Always the first star that I find

:: 2005 12 March :: 11.41 pm

Today was good.

Really good.

A nice balance, good mood, cool friends.

I liked hanging out with Nick. We took a nap for about two and a half hours. It was comfortable and safe. Even though I kept falling asleep and he got mad.

Then we hung out with people.

It could've been a horrible day if I was in a horrible mood.

But I was happy. And am happy.

It was a good day.

Thank you.

Happy anniversary. I love you.

P.S. You owe me. A back massage would be good.

Always the first star that I find

:: 2005 6 March :: 12.44 am

Ben gave me a ride home and I looked out the window the whole way. It's pointless to try to stay in a conversation while sitting in the backseat.

I noticed that what Katie wrote showed up again as the windows fogged up.

And I started worrying about her. I hope she feels better and things sort themselves out. I don't like seeing Katie sad.

So now I'm worried and mad and scared.

The anger and fright have nothing to do with Katie. That's a different slew of things that are currently bugging me.

I cried myself to sleep last night. I don't want to fall into that rut again.

Always the first star that I find

:: 2005 5 March :: 11.34 pm

Mad Girl's Love Song
I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead;
I lift my lids and all is born again.
(I think I made you up inside my head.)

The stars go waltzing out in blue and red,
And arbitrary blackness gallops in:
I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead.

I dreamed that you bewitched me into bed
And sung me moon-struck, kissed me quite insane.
(I think I made you up inside my head.)

God topples from the sky, hell's fires fade:
Exit seraphim and Satan's men:
I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead.

I fancied you'd return the way you said,
But I grow old and I forget your name.
(I think I made you up inside my head.)

I should have loved a thunderbird instead;
At least when spring comes they roar back again.
I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead.
(I think I made you up inside my head.)








I'm sorry. I love you.

Always the first star that I find