::
2005 5 March :: 1.00 pm
I just realized what I'm going to spend my next chunk of cash on.
Yeah.
Always the first star that I find |
::
2005 5 March :: 12.02 am
"alone, you stand allied with your rival, deceived by life."
I'm really self-conscious. Not even that.
I'm feeling very insecure.
I have all these dreams but no foundation to build them on.
I need a job. I need money. I'm supposed to pay half my tuition. How am I going to do that without a job?
I want to have a house after college. Not an apartment, a house. I don't see how that's possible.
I can't drive. I don't have my driver's licence. I'm going to commute to Aquinas. How can I commute when I can't drive?
I don't have anything to keep any guy around. I don't know how I think I'm going to get married.
I'm afraid of having sex. I don't know how I'm going to have the billions of kids I want when the very process scares me.
I want to marry Nick. With every fiber of my being, I want to be with him for always. I don't know how that's going to happen.
I have all these dreams and hopes but nothing looks like it's ever going to happen.
I just don't see how.
"And everything she wants costs money."
I'm scared.
Always the first star that I find |
::
2005 5 March :: 11.40 am
multiple subjects
Rachel wrote me a note and folded it into a paper crane
she told me she wanted to be my friend
and that she is there for me
i don't really know how to react
she knows i feel the same
doesn't she?
I knew she thought I hated her. I wanted to make sure that she knew I didn't.
I told her yesterday to call Nick. I hope she does.
I wish I could hang out with her now. Now, when I don't have all my emotions pinned against her.
She's in my Psych 2 class so I get to talk to her more often. She was in the History class I switched into last year and it was nice to talk to her, even if there was all that jazz.
She always asks how Nick is. It's very sweet of her.
I really love that girl. She's pretty wonderful.
-
I don't know what brought this up. I guess it was just reading what she wrote and realizing all the crap that happened last year.
I hope this year is a lot better.
-
I just remembered that Tuesday marks a year since Ben and I broke up. I like the fact that I forgot about it. It makes me feel a whole lot better about myself. Just the fact that it doesn't bug me anymore.
-
I made a rude comment indirectly to Ben yesterday. It wasn't nice of me. I hope he understands that I was just frustrated. I didn't meant it. Really. I know exactly why.
-
Nick's right too. I am a jerk to him around other people. It's because I want him to pay attention to me. I wish he didn't mention it out loud in front of everyone, though. I almost cried every time he did.
-
I cried a lot yesterday. A good day overall but just full of fluctuations in emotion.
I'm still sort of blah.
-
Yeah.
I love you.
Always the first star that I find |
::
2005 2 March :: 11.52 am
I'm such a girl sometimes.
I'm looking at wedding dresses and baby pictures.
Biological clock, how I love and hate thee so.
I think it's silly to spend all that money on a dress that I'll only wear once. I still can't help but look at them though.
1 You are my satellite |
Always the first star that I find |
::
2005 28 February :: 4.41 pm
Tourie and Damien Escobar
hip hop violinists
Always the first star that I find |
::
2005 27 February :: 6.01 pm
I really am not feeling well.
I wish Nick was here. I need a hug and someone to cuddle with.
And someone to make happy.
Always the first star that I find |
::
2005 27 February :: 4.35 pm
I had two dreams last night that you died.
The first dream, it was my fault.
The second one, no one's.
So I'm a little off.
Then I had another dream that Katie hated me.
Needless to say, I didn't sleep well.
Always the first star that I find |
::
2005 26 February :: 10.19 pm
I just don't care.
I'm sorry.
I love you.
I'm being selfish.
I do care. A lot. About you mostly but about us too.
I love you so much.
Always the first star that I find |
::
2005 26 February :: 10.16 pm
Never mind.
I'm not even going to try anymore.
I drove over to your house to see you.
And I end up getting a nice strong dose of your hormones and end up hanging out with Ben.
Like always.
And I end up crying. Like always.
I'm so sorry.
I was fine. We were fine. We are fine. I'm just...
I'm just tired of this.
I love you so much.
I haven't had a real conversation with you in two days.
I just want to have one time when I hang out with you and I actually...oh I don't know, spend time with you.
You can't just say no? Please, for once.
When's the next time I'm going to hang out with just you?
And when was the last time I actually got to?
When will I get treated like you say I should be?
I'm tired of trying. Everything in my life has become this constant struggle for something to hold on to. Something to keep me from falling.
I'm tried of standing up.
And I'm tired of putting all of my energy into spending time with you when it never ever happens.
Help me.
Show me that maybe I am worth your time.
Show me that all the energy I've put into our relationship is actually going to be worth it.
Show me that life is worth it.
Because right now, I'm not really feeling it.
Always the first star that I find |
::
2005 25 February :: 4.52 pm
I WANT BABIES!
Always the first star that I find |
::
2005 23 February :: 6.49 pm
I hope our kids get his eyelashes. Why does the man get the prettiest eyelashes in this relationship?
I hope they have his nose too. And his lips.
Oh and his dent. That is the hottest chest I've ever seen.
I want children.
I agree with Kittie Katie. I could care less about my wedding. I just want to see the look on his face when I say that we're going to be parents. I want to see him hold our child. I want to create another human being. I want to feel life inside of me. I want to be able to love someone who is half of me and half of the person I am going to spend the rest of my life with.
Then my life will be complete. All of everything will be worth those moments, those achievements.
Unlike Katie, though, I am looking forward to that wedding night a lot too. Making the babies is going to be half the fun.
I've always planned on dying of heartbreak. Even when I insisted that I'd be alone for my entire life. I always planned on dying of heartbreak after my husband died.
Nick and I were talking about "the future". Lately, everything has been clicking into place. I want to spend the rest of my life with him. And I'll meet him on the other side.
He was right. For eight months of a relationship (nine counting the first time we were together) we are a lot farther along than the norm. Our relationship is a lot more mature than it should be (or usually is) at this point.
I love Nick.
I love when we kiss and he cradles my head with his hand, running his fingers through my hair.
I love lying next to him or on him and burying my face in his shoulder.
It's so safe and comfortable.
And he smells delicious.
I love you.
I'm so blessed.
I'm so thankful that Nick had Davenport and his ACT work out for him.
I am thankful.
Always the first star that I find |
::
2005 23 February :: 6.26 pm
I better get married quick.
I need me some babies.
Always the first star that I find |
::
2005 20 February :: 4.05 pm
I hope our kids get his eyes. They're the most beautiful ruggedly handsome eyes in the world.
Always the first star that I find |
::
2005 19 February :: 11.31 am
Everyday is a reminder that my amygdala is running my life and I really can't make rational decisions.
Only emotional ones.
Always the first star that I find |
::
2005 17 February :: 8.48 pm
Yeah. It's like that.
Nick wanted to surprise me and be home before I got home from school but his car broke down and he ended up walking to my house from Courtland.
It was very sweet of him.
We cuddled and took an hour long nap. Well, I did. When I woke up he said he was wondering when I'd wake up and he'd been watching me sleep.
He always says I'm so cute when I sleep. And I'm beautiful.
Nick is the best ever.
I love him so much.
Read more..
Always the first star that I find |
|