:: 2005 16 February :: 6.13 am

I cried so much last night.

I wish something would work out for Nick for once.

I know I always say that but that's because it's the only thing I really want.

Always the first star that I find

:: 2005 15 February :: 6.19 am

Nick is the best because when I have my shirt off and we're lying next to each other, he has his arms around me and looks straight into my eyes.

Always the first star that I find

:: 2005 14 February :: 10.52 pm

Worrying.








I love you.

Always the first star that I find

:: 2005 13 February :: 10.30 am

Nick and I have been together for eight months as of yesterday. That's almost enough to have a baby.

I spent all day with Nick. It was nice. We hung out after the ACT and went to Ben's for the rest of the day a little later.

It's so awesome just being near Nick. That's all I really want. To hear him, talk to him, see him, hug him, kiss him. I don't care if we're with other people anymore. It's perfect.

He's so cute. Everything with him is fun. We could be dying and he'd be able to make me laugh about it.

Yesterday he discovered hickeys. I don't know what brought it on. He just said he hadn't given me a hickey yet and now was the time to start. I laughed and he just said let me do it. So I did.

We were sitting on the couch downstairs. Nathaniel was in the recliner, hearing everything.

We didn't make out or anything, he just went straight for my neck and I laughed all throughout the process.

He was all proud of himself. It was so cute. He told me to look in the mirror then said it needed to stand out more and made it bigger.

He was so proud. All I could do was giggle. Then Nick said it was proof that I was his and no one could touch me and he held me.

It was the cutest thing in the world. It wasn't some lustful, steamy make-out session. It was love. It was this cute Nick thing that he felt he wanted or needed to do.

He was so cute. For the rest of the day, he tried to give me one on my wrist, my hand and my side.

He even showed off to Ben.

I love Nick. He is the sweetest, cutest guy on the planet.

Last night, he walked me up to the door for the first time in ages. We talked and kissed and he held me. He whispered in my ear, "I've always loved you the most."

Everyday, I find a small thing that makes me love him more. It's like falling for him all over again.

I cried last night and he laid on the bed next to me and held me and told me to use his shoulder to cry on.

I love Nick.

Here's to eight more months.

3 You are my satellite | Always the first star that I find

:: 2005 10 February :: 10.11 pm

I took a nap today for about an hour.

I'm pretty good.

Always the first star that I find

:: 2005 9 February :: 10.12 pm

I really fucking hate myself.

Always the first star that I find

:: 2005 8 February :: 11.18 pm

Went over to Nick's today.

Goodness, I love that man.

Always the first star that I find

:: 2005 7 February :: 11.06 pm

I don't understand.

I know I'm not smart but I just don't understand.

Why him? Why Nick? Why does all this shit keep getting thrown at him? Why?

Why do this?

He's been nothing but kind and everything he's supposed to be.

I don't understand.

Why Nick?

Why do these things keep happening to him?

It's not a test. It's not going away. I can't put it into perspective because this is all there is.

I don't understand! Why does this happen to Nick?

Why not me instead?

Just stop doing this to him. Throw him something nice for once. Give him some good news.

Please.

6 You are my satellite | Always the first star that I find

:: 2005 6 February :: 10.56 pm

It really is all about perspective.
I snagged me a good one.

1 You are my satellite | Always the first star that I find

:: 2005 5 February :: 1.00 am

I have never gone so quickly from depression to crying to smiling in my entire life.

Nick is the best person ever.

Always the first star that I find

:: 2005 3 February :: 10.46 pm

Nick came over today.

I really truly love that man.





Even when I get married, I don't think I'm going to be ready to have sex. I feel so awkward right now with Nick, that I can't imagine having sex anytime in my life nonetheless anytime within the next 5 years.

Hopefully I'll get over it. Those 27 babies have to come from somewhere.




I never felt like a whore before.

Always the first star that I find

:: 2005 3 February :: 4.16 pm

Nick's stressed out and upset.

I'm upset because he is unhappy. I'm sad because I can't cheer him up.

It makes for horrible conversation.

I just wish I could hug him and kiss him and tell him it's okay and that would make him better.

But nothing I do is ever enough anymore.

1 You are my satellite | Always the first star that I find

:: 2005 2 February :: 11.13 pm

I cried before anime club today.

After I got off the phone with Nick.

Not a lot. It was going to turn into sobbing but I had to stop myself.

I just feel helpless. He's stressed out and it's like all I do is make it worse. No matter how hard I try, he's upset and snaps easily.

And every conversation ends the same way. He always uses the same tone and I always worry that there's something he's not telling me, there's something beneath his frustrated tone of voice.

There is.

I just wish I could help him. I can't cheer him up.

I try so hard.

I love him so much.

Always the first star that I find

:: 2005 2 February :: 6.15 pm

You know what the best thing that anyone gave me for my birthday was?

Nick was lying on my floor on my birthday and had just woken up from one of his many naps that day. He called me over and I laid down next to him.

He said, "Hey, we can get married now."

I love Nick.

Always the first star that I find

:: 2005 2 February :: 6.22 am

It's good to be in love.

Lately, the kisses have been amazing. Electrifying.

I don't know if we got better or if love is finally playing a part in them but they're fantastic.

I love kissing Nick.

Always the first star that I find