:: 2005 13 January :: 11.07 pm

I thought I was stable but I started crying earlier.

I almost cried when I couldn't get in the counseling office for goodness sake.

Then I almost cried because my counselor didn't even care what was going on. She never does. Sometimes I want to stab that woman.

Then I'm not feeling well and I want to see Nick and be held. I still don't feel well, I barely got to see Nick and when I did, he was playing a stupid video game.

I am beginning to hate video and computer games.

I know I'm being selfish but Ben volunteered to take me to surprise Nick when he got out of work then all Nick does is play some video game and not even say hello.

I'm just falling apart again, sorry. I need to drop it.

Always the first star that I find

:: 2005 10 January :: 10.51 pm

Sometimes I forget how much I love Nick.

I started crying while we were watching Garden State and I talked to Nick about everything that has been bugging me and causing me to slowly fall apart for the last month and a half.

Nick cried too.

I love him so much.

I cried (what seems like) a thousand times today.

But I am so happy.

Nick and I sang to songs in his car on the way home. I rarely ever sing around people and when I do, it's purposefully horrible. Today, I felt so happy and so confortable around Nick that I just belted out all the songs I knew.

Bleh. I'm so sappy sometimes.

Tomorrow marks two years since I met Nick.

Wednesday marks seven months.

Wow.

Always the first star that I find

:: 2005 9 January :: 6.02 pm

Last night I had a weird dream where Nick moved to Texas and we didn't get to say goodbye.

Ben and I took a road trip to see him. For some reason, the car we took was a spaceship and I controlled the lazer gun.

We stopped at a store to buy Nick lots of presents but ended up getting so much stuff, we couldn't fit it in the spaceship/car.

So we decided to find other means of transportation. I don't remember what we used but we somehow got there and were looking all over for Nick at this school/monastary/massive skyscraper.

I found him and decided I was going to stay with him in Texas which really turned out to be Memphis but it was on the map where Texas was.

Then I woke up.

Always the first star that I find

:: 2005 9 January :: 1.31 am

I don't know if I can.

Always the first star that I find

:: 2005 8 January :: 1.04 am

I've waited a long long time.
But what do I know?


What do I know?


I know.






I know you think I'm holding you down and I've fallen by the wayside now and I don't understand the same things as you...

But I do.

Always the first star that I find

:: 2005 4 January :: 10.45 pm

Nice job not calling me back, just like always.

I know it's not your fault and that your mom was on the phone or you fell asleep or had homework or lost track of time or were playing WoW or didn't think it was that important.

It just gets tiresome when this happens every single time.

I'm not complaining, I'm just not used to it yet.

Especially when I want to know how you're doing and I really need someone to ---

Never mind. That wouldn't matter because you're calling me. Not seeing me.

And I'm just being selfish so ignore everything I said.

Always the first star that I find

:: 2005 4 January :: 10.02 pm

I'm tired of the world.

And life.

Bleh.

I'm just anxious and stressed out.

I tried talking about it and only got halfway through everything before the person I was talking to (and really wanted to know what was up) changed the subject.

I'll be fine so don't try to make me talk about it.

It's not like you'll listen anyway.

Always the first star that I find

:: 2005 3 January :: 11.18 pm

I think I'll be okay when Nick and I break up.

Yeah, I'll be pretty devastated and yeah, it'll be worse than all the times before combined and multiplied by four gazillion but I think I'll be okay.

I mean, we broke up once before.

I just can't comprehend us lasting forever. I want to. And I can see it but really... I'm not even 18 and I'm thinking of marrying some kid I've been dating for not even 7 months and I've known for almost 2 years.

What is the likelihood that this will work out?

I've done this before. The first thing ever. I knew it wasn't going to happen and I knew I didn't love him though.

But I love Nick. Far more than I have loved anyone.

I'm only 17 years old! I turn 18 in 25 days. I can't even drive, I don't have a job, I'll be going to college in the fall and I graduate in May.

It's like everything I am now is everything I've always criticized. Everything all of me is hanging on to is everything I've always doubted and made fun of.

High school relationships, marriage, dating, these "anniversaries", love.

My life is so terribly ironic that sometimes it hurts.

I'm in love with a man that I might not be with for five more months. Or two! I'm in love with someone who could leave me at any second. I'm in love with an idea that I put all of my emotional stability on.

Why am I doing this?

Because I'm in love. And love is everything but rational. It's perfect, it's beautiful, it's everywhere.

And I believe I have my forever because of love. And I stay in this forever because of love.

I doubt and I cry and I worry and I fear and I double-guess because of love.

But I am in love. As much love as my 17 year old mind can handle.

I'm staying here until something or someone kicks me out.

In love.

With Nick.

Forever.

A day can be forever since you only ever have one. No tomorrow, endless yesterdays and only one now.

I am in love and no matter what my brain may think or doubt, I am staying in love.

Always the first star that I find

:: 2004 30 December :: 11.37 pm

I'm really blah.

And really antisocial.

I don't want to go to Jackie's tomorrow but I don't want to stay home either. I'll go anyway.

I'm falling into one of my ditches.

It's okay. I'm just worried about me for once.

3 You are my satellite | Always the first star that I find

:: 2004 29 December :: 12.16 pm

I can't help it. This is too good to be true.

I've been crushed before. More than once.

Even though this is stronger than the others, it only means that it'll hurt more when I come back down from this cloud.

I don't want to come down.

I love Nick and I am happy with my forever.

Always the first star that I find

:: 2004 24 December :: 11.22 pm

Didn't go see Katie like I said I would because I am an ass.

But, masters, remember that I am an ass; though it be not written down, yet forget not that I am an ass.



I suck.

1 You are my satellite | Always the first star that I find

:: 2004 24 December :: 12.17 pm

I was over at Nick's today like I have been almost everyday this week.

Jackie was hungry and Nick wanted a slushie so she and I went to Burger King.

On the way there, my cell phone rang. I didn't recognize the number but Jackie did and she said it was Tom.

Tom said Katie was in pretty bad shape. He told me that I needed to go see her.

I wish I could've just asked Jackie to drive me down to Katie's.

I told Tom that I'd call Katie and try to help her out.

I put off calling Katie for an hour. I was afraid and ashamed. We haven't hung out at all lately and I thought she was upset about that. I didn't know what to say about it. I knew I felt awful and that we should hang out more but I didn't know how to make her feel better about it.
So I told myself I'd call Katie at 6. Then I curled up on Nick's couch under a blanket and cried.

I called Katie and she told me what was up.

And I was so relieved I almost exploded.

So I sat on the floor of Nick's room, trying to work on our puzzle and talking to Katie for about 20 minutes.

And I hope Katie's alright.

I'm going to get a thing full of cookies ready tomorrow and take it up to Katie. Hopefully Mom will make buckeye dough tonight and I can help her finish them up tomorrow morning. Katie loves Mom's buckeyes.
I'm tired and I told Shayna I was going to bed 20 minutes ago.

I love you.

1 You are my satellite | Always the first star that I find

:: 2004 22 December :: 3.33 pm

There might be a little dust on the bottom but don't let it fool you about what's inside
I like sitting here in Nick's hoodie doing absolutely nothing while listening to 1286 songs on shuffle even though it seems like I just keep hearing the same songs. And I know all the lyrics. I can't wait until my voice comes all the way back and I can "sing" again.

Once Hannah gets home from bowling, I think we're going to make cookies. I love baking with my mom. My dad is a kitchen dictator and refuses to let us do anything but my mom will let us do everything.

She had made buckeyes before I even went downstairs today. The last I knew, she was softening butter for gingerbread cookies.

I love my family. I opened up the refrigerator today and I noticed a huge pack of little hot dogs and six or seven Pillsbury crescents. I asked my mom if we were stockpiling for the apocalypse or something. She said she got some Brie and was going to make little piggies in a blanket with some baked Brie. Plus it was on sale.

My mom is a nutjob. My whole family is a factory of nutjobbery.

My dad is in Kansas today for a job interview. He comes back later tonight. He really wants out of his job at Meijer. He told me that this time next year he hopes to either be working at the job in Kansas or with his friend Pat. I hope he gets what he wants. My dad likes working.

There is no way I'm moving with my family to Kansas though. I'll get an apartment with Nick, Ben and Katie if that happens.

Actually, that doesn't sound like a half bad idea.

I'm going to call and see how Nick is doing then go help my mom.

I love you.

Always the first star that I find

:: 2004 22 December :: 12.45 pm

I am in love with Nicholas Alan Hazen.

Always the first star that I find

:: 2004 22 December :: 11.07 am

I've gone over to Nick's everyday since Sunday.

I love seeing him.

I love taking care of him and feeling like I'm actually doing something that helps him.

I love his smile.

It's so wonderful to see him after feeling that I never would.

You should see the bruises on his legs...

I hope he can walk soon and doesn't hurt.




I love Nick.



One plus one is one
Together
One plus one is one
Forever

Always the first star that I find