:: 2004 5 December :: 2.35 pm

Now I know how Brigitte felt.

I'm tired of going over to Ben's and sitting there while he plays WoW or Halo or something.

I'm tired of hanging out with Ben and Nick when all I do is watch them play videogames. One on the computer, one on the TV.

I'm so sick of it.

1 You are my satellite | Always the first star that I find

:: 2004 2 December :: 6.15 am

One is the loneliest number that you'll ever do
Two can be as bad as one
It's the loneliest number since the number one

No is the saddest experience you'll ever know
Yes is the saddest experience you'll ever know
One is the loneliest number that you'll ever know
One is the loneliest number even worse then two

Always the first star that I find

:: 2004 29 November :: 11.43 pm

Know why I love Nick so much? This is why:
I was never afraid to die until a few months ago when I realized that I loved you.

Always the first star that I find

:: 2004 28 November :: 9.55 pm

I hate to sound like every other stupid teenager on the planet.

But I don't know how I'm going to live through this week. It's going to last forever.

Always the first star that I find

:: 2004 28 November :: 8.09 pm
:: Music: Angels Versus Aliens by Mogwai

Always the first star that I find

:: 2004 28 November :: 1.21 pm

Nick is sweet. Sweeter than sweet.

He's not "take you out to dinner, buy you flowers" sweet. He's not stereotypical "guy every chick wants" sweet.

He's uniquely sweet. He's my kind of spontaneous sweet.

He called Ben's last night while he was at work to talk to me. Not to talk to me but just to remind me that he loves me.

That is my kind of sweet.

Today I called him right when I woke up. He said he got out of work at 10:20ish last night and was thinking of buying me flowers and stopping by Ben's because he has a present for me.

I'm not a flowers chick but still that's really sweet. And his present for me, most chicks wouldn't think it's anything special but I think it's just the cutest thing ever.

The other day I was sad because I feel like I don't even know anything about him. So he has a "two-inch stack of pictures" he wants to give me since "pictures say a thousand words".

That's the sweetest thing ever. It's not generically sweet or stereotypically sweet, it's personalized sweet.

I love Nick.

Always the first star that I find

:: 2004 28 November :: 12.00 am

Something I love about Nick
I was over at Ben's house today and Nick was at work. He called Ben's to talk to me so he could tell me that he loves me.

Seriously, that was the sweetest thing ever.

Always the first star that I find

:: 2004 27 November :: 1.14 am

You know what movie I loved but was afraid of at the same time?

Little Nemo: Adventures in Slumberland.

I loved that movie.

I can't even remember the last time I saw it.

The sad thing is, it'll be just like Neverending Story. I think it's the coolest movie ever then I'll watch it and it's nothing like I remembered.

I have to buy or something now.

Always the first star that I find

:: 2004 25 November :: 6.41 pm

I just feel inadequate.

I wish I could be with Nick every second of everyday. Every second of every day.

I miss him. A lot.

It hurts.

Always the first star that I find

:: 2004 24 November :: 11.23 pm

I wrote this last night in my other other journal (the one you can't see) This is why I cried.
I don't know anything about him.

He's asleep on my couch right now.

I don't know anything.

I just feel.

I just love him.

I don't know about his past relationships. I don't know about his life.

I don't know about him.

All I have are feelings.

I don't know why I dream like this.

I don't know why I dream of marrying someone I don't know.

I don't know anything about Nick.

All I know is what I feel.

All I know is what I am.

All I know are my feelings.

All I know is that I love him.

And I feel sometimes, like now, that loving him isn't enough. It might work in the dream world, my cloudy fantasy, but in the real world...

In the real world, you know people.

You know people and the things you know are the things you love.

I don't know.

I love Nick. I love the little that I know and the thousand things I don't know. I love the billions of things I'll never know.

I've always believed that you can never truly know everything about a person.

But just loving him...

Just love, and that's it.

It doesn't seem like that's enough. It doesn't seem like it's right.

I don't care most of the time.

Sometimes...

I just love him. That's it.

That's it.

It's not enough.

1 You are my satellite | Always the first star that I find

:: 2004 23 November :: 10.26 pm

Tonight was one of those nights where I just want to cry and be held, no questions asked.

But I knew that if Nick saw me cry there would be a thousand questions, two thousand of which I didn't know the answer to.

So I cried while he slept on the couch.

And sobbed into his shirt while he dreamed.

Always the first star that I find

:: 2004 23 November :: 9.33 pm

Everyone's afraid of their own life
If you could be anything you want
I bet you'd be disappointed
Am I right?

No one really knows the ones they love
If you knew everything they thought
I bet that you'd wish that they'd just shut up


--

It's hard to remember
It's hard to remember
We're alive for the first time
It's hard to remember
It's hard to remember
We're alive for the last time
It's hard to remember
It's hard to remember
To live before you die
It's hard to remember
It's hard to remember
That our lives are such a short time
It's hard to remember
It's hard to remember
When it takes such a long time

It's hard to remember

Always the first star that I find

:: 2004 21 November :: 12.57 am

Did you know I miss you?
I made you fall in love with me.

I feel bad because that's not what you wanted. You just wanted something fun. Something where we could just hang out and talk without having any passion mess it up.

I feel worse because I've always loved you. And I've always wanted something more than the shy, clumsy relationship we had the first time around.

Did you know that every second since we met my thoughts have been on you? There hasn't been a day when I didn't want to be with you.

I love you, Nick.

I've already started my forever. It began almost two years ago.

I'm sorry that you got dragged into it.

Always the first star that I find

:: 2004 20 November :: 11.35 pm

Dreaming again.

It feels nice. I missed it.

I really love Nick. More than really.

Always the first star that I find

:: 2004 18 November :: 6.25 am

I've been really over-emotional this week.

And I'm not feeling well.

Or feeling very social.

I just want to see Nick. I miss him so much, I feel like I'm going to explode.

I love Nick a lot of a lot of a lot.

I was thinking all day yesterday about forever. My sister mentioned my getting married to some rich guy and then when he dies I'll live alone with all my cats.

That's not what I want.

I want Nick.

I've been worried all week about him. He has surgery in 3 weeks, his grandfather isn't doing that great, he's worried about college and thinking about going to the foundry in Wisconsin over the next summer.

I don't care if I'm with him still then or not. I'd miss him a thousand times more than I do now either way. And I'm still going to love him.

I'm just being selfish.

Every moment of my every day is spent thinking about, worrying about, concerned about, caring about and loving Nick.

There isn't a second in any day when I am not thinking about him. Or us. I find connections to him in everything.

I miss him so much.

I can't wait until forever swings by, I'm starting it now. I'm starting my forever.

I love you, Nick. I love you so much that sometimes I feel like I'm just going to burst with it all.

It would not be a wasted life.

I miss you.

Always the first star that I find