::
2004 17 November :: 9.24 pm
You're not his everything.
He has other friends.
It's okay.
You'll see him some other day.
You just saw him on Monday.
It's okay.
I'm fine.
I just don't believe in forever.
1 You are my satellite |
Always the first star that I find |
::
2004 16 November :: 6.41 pm
Here's where I belong.
Always the first star that I find |
::
2004 15 November :: 6.18 am
Things I love about Nick
You will never know how much i love you
2 You are my satellite |
Always the first star that I find |
::
2004 13 November :: 11.56 pm
I tried so hard not to get sick so I wouldn't get him sick and he got sick anyway.
I'm not feeling that great either.
So yesterday was five months and we went over to Ben's. Today I was going to hang out with Katie but I woke up late and by the time I was up, conscious and moving Nick was out of work. I felt really bad that I couldn't hang out with Katie today.
Maybe tomorrow if I do laundry, feel better and do my homeworks.
Ug. I'm going to bed.
Ben is a nazi.
I love Nick.
Always the first star that I find |
::
2004 12 November :: 3.25 pm
I can help what I feel.
And I will.
I feel so horrible.
I let you down.
I feel sick to my heart.
I'm sorry. I'm so sorry.
It's nothing. I swear to you that it's nothing.
Nothing I say will make you feel better.
I'm sorry.
I want to die.
Always the first star that I find |
::
2004 11 November :: 10.16 pm
I told Nick that I like Ben.
Not the kind of like as in I want to be with him.
I just care and worry about him. I like spending time with him.
I didn't want to tell him but I'm tired of only showing half of me.
I cried harder than I've ever cried before. I feel like I betrayed Nick.
Please forgive me. Please understand. I'm not going to leave you ever. The only way I'm going is if you want me gone. You're the best thing that has ever happened to me. You're the best ever. I love you and that's not going to change. I'm not letting go. I'm not going anywhere.
Just over and over. Sobbing and whispering and trying to breathe.
I didn't want to lose Nick. I don't ever want to lose Nick.
He said that he loves me. He loves me more than I'll ever know.
And I understand what he means now.
Always and forever and a day starts now.
Nick doesn't have to keep his promise if he doesn't want to.
But I'm going to keep it. I'm not leaving him. I might change, he might change, the world might change but my heart is always going to stay the same.
And I'm always going to love Nick. Even if he lets me go again, I'll stick around just like I did.
Just like I've always done.
Everything has always been about Nick.
I love you.
Always the first star that I find |
::
2004 11 November :: 6.12 am
Why can't anything ever work out for him or his family?
Always the first star that I find |
::
2004 10 November :: 6.15 am
Hm.
I missed us.
Nick came by last night.
We laid on the couch together.
He took a short nap.
It was nice.
I missed it.
I missed us.
Friday is five months.
Always the first star that I find |
::
2004 9 November :: 12.06 pm
I'm okay.
Actually, I'm good.
Always the first star that I find |
::
2004 8 November :: 9.56 pm
I fluctuate.
Do you see that?
I'm okay now.
Calm.
I'll be happy for a while then I'll crash.
I'm happy now.
I miss you. I'm sorry. I always do that to you.
I love you. You know that, don't you?
Please don't forget it.
Please.
Always and forever and a day.
I just want you.
I don't want the thoughts running through my head or the people around us.
I want to lose myself in you.
Like I did before I climbed out.
I want to go back to us.
I'm going. I'm not going to let you wait for me. We're going together.
I love you.
Remember that always.
And make me talk to you. The next time I see you, and no one's around, make me tell you everything.
I will.
Love is forever.
And we don't taint it.
Alone, we do.
Together, we perfect it.
Don't let me go. Don't let me hide away from you. Don't let me keep trying to stay afloat.
I love you. I love you so much.
That's why it hurts. That's why everything happens.
Too much emotion, too much passion, it's dangerous.
But I'm willing to take the risk.
Always and forever and a day.
Let me stay.
Take me with.
Pull me down with you.
I love you.
Always the first star that I find |
::
2004 8 November :: 9.40 pm
I don't want.
Jealousy, turning saints into the sea
Swimming through sick lullabies
Choking on your alibis
But it's just the price I pay
Destiny is calling me
Always the first star that I find |
::
2004 8 November :: 9.17 pm
Love is perfect.
I'm not.
I can't be.
Love is everything. Nothing matters but love.
Indestructible, irresistible.
A drug.
Love is hell.
It hurts more than it gives.
And never goes away.
Love is wonderful.
It will never die.
It kills.
I love you.
I just hate what I put you through.
And what I do to you.
I'm so sorry.
I love you.
Always the first star that I find |
::
2004 8 November :: 9.10 pm
I wish I could cry around people.
At least then I could talk to someone about it.
And be held.
But I wait until I'm alone.
And then I collapse.
I'm just being stupid.
Ben told me to do something selfish today.
I did.
I don't see what it's supposed to accomplish.
God, I am an idiot.
Always the first star that I find |
::
2004 7 November :: 11.36 pm
Feelings don't fucking go away.
They just become outdated.
Or inappropriate.
Or indescribable.
Or too big.
Or too small.
Or too much for you to handle.
Feelings don't go away.
They just get hidden away in a box.
Stored in the back of your mind.
Or your heart.
Feelings don't go away.
No matter how hard you try.
No matter how deep you cut.
No matter how much you bleed.
Or smoke.
Or die.
Feelings don't go away.
And when you think they have, they come back.
And when you think you're okay, you're not.
Feelings don't go away.
And no matter what the feeling was.
It always hurts when it comes back.
Feelings just don't fucking disappear.
Always the first star that I find |
::
2004 7 November :: 11.23 pm
Does it really matter how I think though?
Does it really matter how I feel?
No.
Nothing's perfect.
Not even love.
We corrupt it.
We taint it.
And you still expect it to be perfect.
It can't.
I can't make it so.
I'm sorry.
I'm so sorry.
I can't let anyone in.
I don't know how.
And I don't want to.
Never mind. I'm just being dumb.
Everything hurts right now.
Everything.
I'm sorry.
Always the first star that I find |
|