::
2004 7 November :: 11.13 pm
I'm crying.
About us.
But about them too.
And about...
I don't know anymore.
I'm so tired of life and living.
Always the first star that I find |
::
2004 7 November :: 12.42 am
A little bit of nothing. It's just a rant really. Not even a poem.
Just a whole lot of nothing.
I dreamed of you on my farm
I dreamed of you in my arms
But dreams are always wrong
I never dreamed I'd hurt you
I never dreamed I'd lose you
In my dreams I'm always strong
But now the creek is rising
And all my bridges burned
I always dreamed of big crowds
Plumes of smoke and high clouds
But dreams don't last for long
1 You are my satellite |
Always the first star that I find |
::
2004 7 November :: 12.13 am
Would you care at all?
I love.
Old songs
Stay to the end
Sad songs
Remind me of friends
And the way it is
I could leave it all
And I ask myself
Would you care at all
Always the first star that I find |
::
2004 6 November :: 1.13 am
It's nighttime and I'm crashing.
I haven't done some severe night crashing in a while.
I love the night. I'm just so exhausted by the time it rolls around that all I have are tears and thoughts.
My eyes burn.
I really want out. I want away. Kelly and I were talking today and it just gave me that itch I've always had to leave. To just go live in the woods or on a mountain and lose everything.
I can't believe people like high school or want to go back. This is horrible.
And I've still got four more years of school then I have to find a job and people and start a family and raise children and worry and grow old and work and die.
It's so frustratingly pointless.
What am I working toward? What am I working for?
I got to high school so I can go to college so I can go to the real world and get a job so I can get money so I can get married so I can start a family so I can shove one more unlucky person into this world and the whole cycle starts again.
I'm only working to keep on working. There's no point.
There's no goal.
Ben's right, I need sleep.
But sleep won't help. I wake up and nothing will have changed.
I'll just be one day older. One day closer to graduation. One day closer to college. One day closer to life. One day closer to a job, family, friends, children, grandchildren.... One day closer to death.
It's so pointless. It's not a circle of life. Or a cycle. Or even a line. I'm just a dot. A point. And everything around me is just there. No direction. No end. No now. No nothing.
It's so stupid.
Always the first star that I find |
::
2004 5 November :: 9.40 pm
:: Music: Everything Will Be Alright by The Killers
I won't forget you, at least I'll try.
The best way to drown is repeat.
And music with little to no singing. Mogwai. Helps you think.
Always the first star that I find |
::
2004 5 November :: 6.17 pm
:: Music: The Killers
I tried to drown myself in the shower.
Obviously I failed.
I like sad things.
Music.
Books.
People.
Events.
I like sad things.
Always the first star that I find |
::
2004 5 November :: 4.13 pm
Used up all of my friends...who needs them when you mean everything.
Give up all of my plans but who needs them when you mean everything.
So much the same. It makes me helpless...alone.
Some things aren't about you, you know. Sometimes they're about her. Or them. Or him.
Sometimes I can't help but talk like this. Cryptic messages that could be to anyone. About anyone.
I know who I mean.
And that scares me.
Always the first star that I find |
::
2004 3 November :: 10.28 pm
On a parcouru le chemin
On a tenu la distance
Et je te hais de tout mon corps
Mais je t'adore
On a parcouru le chemin
On a souffert en silence
Et je te hais de tout mon corps
Mais je t'adore
Encore
Always the first star that I find |
::
2004 3 November :: 10.25 pm
Most of what I hold on to is a connection.
Most of what hurts is that connection.
The tree doesn't hurt, it's the memories I associate with the tree.
It's not your smile.
Or his laugh.
Or how you walk.
Or his car.
Or thumb wrestling.
Or sharpies.
Or your hoodie.
Or an ellipsis.
It's my memory of you smiling as I said something ridiculous or got really weird and tickled you.
It's my memory of his laugh as we watched an episode of the Simpsons or played Halo.
It's my memory of walking behind you into Meijer or with you to a tree.
It's my memory of Halloween or riding in his car to anywhere.
It's my memory of that trip to the shoe store.
It's my memory of sharpie wars.
It's my memory of when you gave me your hoodie.
It's my memory of when he and I broke up.
It's not the thing, it's the association. It's the memory, not the event itself.
Sometimes, I convince myself of the opposite.
That's when I fall.
Always the first star that I find |
::
2004 3 November :: 9.54 pm
:: Music: Frou Frou
It's good to be in love. It really does suit you (just like everything). I'm happy you're in love.
Mr. Watson mentioned something about an ellipsis today in AP Lit.
That made my heart hurt.
It shouldn't anymore.
It's funny how we don't destroy memories, we just destroy the things that we associate with the memories.
I hate myself sometimes. An accidental guilt trip can explode into something that makes me feel guilty.
I cannot get over that ellipsis today.
I can't get over yesterday either. I know it's nothing but it feels like a whole lot of something.
It's just my mind trying to connect random thoughts and feelings into discernable events.
Nick stopped by today. We watched a movie and put on our shoes.
It feels nice to use that phrase again.
Damn ellipsis.
Always the first star that I find |
::
2004 2 November :: 12.21 pm
:: Music: Everyday Sunday
Continuing from last time.
He did. He just talked.
He said he wanted me to be truly happy. Not the half-smile or forced smile I've had for the past two weeks. He said he wished there could be one minute in which I wasn't worried about everything or us or thinking about something else. He said he wished I could stop thinking and just get lost in the moment.
And be happy again.
So I cried and apologized a thousand times.
Because I knew he was right.
I know he is right.
So I'm back out of my hole. I don't know how. But I'm going to start hoping and dreaming again.
I don't remember when I shut that off.
Truthfully, it might have been either after Nick and I broke up or somewhere in my relationship with Ben.
So I haven't talked to him since I saw him at Ben's on Sunday.
But things are back to how they were more than two weeks ago.
I don't know how I like that. We had a nice balance going for a while. Minus the whole apathy thing, it was nice.
Meh.
I find myself needing physical contact lately. A hug, an arm, a shoulder... just someone to touch.
It's weird.
Always the first star that I find |
::
2004 31 October :: 11.16 pm
Nick and I were talking about Ben and Brigitte while he was taking me home last night.
I made some comment about how things don't work like that. We got into this big argument and I was screaming at him and he was screaming at me and driving fast and we were both mad.
And when we got to my house, we just sat in his car not talking for 10 or fifteen minutes until I told him to look at me and talk to me.
He asked me what I wanted him to say.
I said I didn't want him to say anything, I just wanted him to talk to me.
There's more but.. yeah.
Always the first star that I find |
::
2004 28 October :: 11.10 pm
Me = pathetic: a story
Nick, Ben and I were supposed to hang out today.
Ben had things to do so we didn't get to.
Nick showed up at 10:30.
He just left a bit ago.
He said he had to get going in a while.
I shut down.
I didn't want to cry.
I do that every single time. I didn't want to do that to him again.
I wanted to get past that point.
But I can't just shut off something like that without him noticing.
So he noticed and I ended up crying.
We talked and by the time he left, I was crying happy tears.
I really do love that kid a lot more than I let myself think.
And he loves me twice as much.
I kissed him for real for the first time in a while.
I'm climbing out of my hole.
Deep breaths...everything will be alright.
Always the first star that I find |
::
2004 26 October :: 10.02 pm
So you probably don't remember and no one is probably reading this but whatever.
I read this woman's blog. I followed her through her pregnancy and now she has a cute baby girl named Leta (which has to be one of the most beautiful names ever).
I liked this quote:
"Should I be worried that I'm letting Leta watch TV this close?"
"Of course not. Life happens this close."
Life happens too close sometimes.
2 You are my satellite |
Always the first star that I find |
::
2004 26 October :: 5.38 pm
Nick and I were talking about Ben and Brigitte last night.
He somehow turned it around so we were talking about me and Ben.
He said that Ben and I have "unresolved conflicts" that we need to sort out some time.
I told him that I think Ben and I are fine but I wouldn't mind if some things changed.
He said that Ben and I still hold feelings for each other but we've just "pushed it to the back of everything" since right now it's inappropriate.
He said that he's always known but didn't really care and isn't worried about it because we're both too stubborn to admit it to anyone else, ourselves or each other.
I told him he was crazy.
He said I proved his point.
I don't know. I still think he's crazy.
And I'm pretty sure Ben doesn't still like me.
If he ever did in the first place.
But Nick knows a lot about me that I don't know or realize.
Still, I don't think so.
Always the first star that I find |
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