:: 2004 25 October :: 6.04 am

I'm down.

And for some reason, I'm trying not to let Nick know.

When I think about it, it seems so dumb.

Last night, yesterday, it shouldn't have happened.

And it won't.

It's so dumb.

I miss Nick.

And all the feelings that come with him.

He thought I was smiling because I was happy.

Now I feel bad about that.

I don't want to lie anymore.

Always the first star that I find

:: 2004 24 October :: 7.14 pm

I gave up and started crying while I was on the phone with Ben.

I'm just sick of everything.

1 You are my satellite | Always the first star that I find

:: 2004 24 October :: 4.30 pm

Empty.

I should be mad.

I should be sad.

I should at least be upset.

I haven't seen Nick since Wednesday.

I should at least want to.

He's probably hanging out with Ben.

He hasn't seen Ben in a week.

I shouldn't care.

I don't.

I don't want to see him.

I don't want to talk to him.

I don't want him to call.

I don't want to call him.

Well, no.

I do but I don't care if it happens or not.

I've been hiding and shutting off these feelings (of missing him, wanting to see him, wanting to talk to him) so many times that I don't feel them anymore.

I don't know if that's good or that's bad.

I've shut off my tears so many times that now I can't cry.

And I don't feel if I want to or not.

I don't miss Ben. I didn't miss Ben.

I missed people.

I missed contact. I missed the fact that someone cared a little bit, enough to call when they were bored.

I didn't miss Ben, I missed the attention.

I missed the feeling of having someone to hang out with. I missed the words.

Not Ben, but everything that comes with him.

I don't miss Nick though.

Yeah, I want to see him. Yeah, I miss him.

But I don't.

I don't anything.

Every sentence I've said since Wednesday almost had me crying.

Every thought I've dreamt almost had me sobbing.

And now I don't feel it.

Or anything.

I can feel that I'm choking everything back.

But I don't care enough to let it through.

I want to jump and feel the landing.

It's the fall that kills you.

Meh.

Always the first star that I find

:: 2004 24 October :: 1.59 pm

Poem idea (expand if time)
I tried to drown myself in the shower
It burned like unrequited love

Always the first star that I find

:: 2004 24 October :: 12.03 pm

Happy birthday, Josh.

1 You are my satellite | Always the first star that I find

:: 2004 24 October :: 12.23 am

I'm tired.

Just exhausted and worn out.

There's one person I want to talk to. One thing I want to do.

And I can't.

I hate when I can't do something.

I wish he was online.

Always the first star that I find

:: 2004 22 October :: 10.02 pm

He's not going to call because he thinks I'm angry with him.

He also knows it's Friday, movie night.

So he's not going to call.

I'm not going to call him because it's movie night. Depending on when we finish the movie, I might call him. Hannah gets mad when I leave movies.

I wish he'd call. I wish I wasn't right. I wish he'd prove me wrong.

Meh.

I'm just meh.

I wish I got to talk to him. I wish it didn't seem like he was avoiding me. I wish I could hang out with him today. I wish I didn't have to do my French project tomorrow. I wish I could hang out with him tomorrow before I go to Kristy's house. I wish I wasn't right. I wish I could be wrong. I wish that I am wrong.

I wish that I could die.

Always the first star that I find

:: 2004 21 October :: 10.20 pm

My heart is loud tonight.

I can hear it thumping.

I can feel it beating.

It feels like it's going to fly out of my chest and run far away.

I can't decide if I like this feeling or hate it.

Always the first star that I find

:: 2004 21 October :: 5.28 pm

And so it turns out that the Robot had a human brain which was stolen from a kindly old man. And the children of the old man came up to the Robot looking for their father, and they called out to him. The Robot's human brain then remembered his children and his stolen life, and he was moved to tears. But the tears shorted out his circuits, and fried his brain. And the Robot toppled over, and he crushed his children, and the Goblin, too. And none of them lived.

Always the first star that I find

:: 2004 20 October :: 11.44 pm

I am the luckiest person alive.

I'm dating the best person in the world.

And I am completely in love with him.

And he loves me.

I'm so blessed.

Always the first star that I find

:: 2004 20 October :: 6.16 am

I'm willing to bleed for days more reds and greys so you don't hurt so much.


My hormones are still off-balance which means I am too.

Nick works today, tomorrow and Saturday morning.

I can't wait until this week is over.

I hate Wednesdays.

I didn't get to see Nick yesterday but life goes on.

I'm tired. I'm always tired.

Always the first star that I find

:: 2004 19 October :: 8.28 pm

And it's always the same.

I'm sick of it.

I want away.

Always the first star that I find

:: 2004 19 October :: 7.57 pm

He never calls back when he says he will.

And I still hold out hope that maybe, this time, maybe, now, it'll be different.

Nope.

Whatever. He can call me if he wants to talk. I don't care.

Lie. Of course I care.

But I'm not going to make an effort to talk to him when all I'm going to do is complain or not talk at all.

Like always.

Fuck it. This isn't making any sense anymore.

None of it is.

Always the first star that I find

:: 2004 19 October :: 6.35 pm

Never mind.

Forget I said anything.

Forget you said anything.

Forget everything.

Just forget it.

3 You are my satellite | Always the first star that I find

:: 2004 19 October :: 6.11 pm

Yes, I lied to you.

Yes, I'm lying to you.

No, I won't admit it when I am.

No, I won't tell you what's wrong.

Because I'm just being selfish and stupid. Because I just need to stop being an idiot and stop wanting everything.

I told you nothing ever happens like I plan.

Yes, I'm fine.

Yes, I'm lying.

No, you won't get to know why.

No, I'll never tell you.

Yes, I'll hide behind my mask.

Too bad.

Always the first star that I find