:: 2004 19 October :: 5.02 pm

I was trying to find a book that my dad said he had.

Unsuccesful, I found pictures from 1993.

Once I get started looking at pictures, I can't stop.

So I was all dusty because of the books and all hyped and reminiscent because of the pictures.

I found a picture of me, Hannah, Nathaniel and my cousin dying Easter eggs.

The next picture was of me, my cousin and my aunt.

I realized that I don't know what her voice sounds like anymore.

And I cried.

Blah.

I need to leave the house.

Always the first star that I find

:: 2004 18 October :: 10.39 pm

I'm in love.

I've said it before and I'll say it again.

I love Nick.

Always the first star that I find

:: 2004 18 October :: 5.24 pm

Something's wrong with me.

I'm off.

Always the first star that I find

:: 2004 18 October :: 6.07 am

I won't let him touch me anymore.

5 You are my satellite | Always the first star that I find

:: 2004 18 October :: 6.01 am

Nothing lasts forever.

Always the first star that I find

:: 2004 17 October :: 11.31 pm

Things I love about Nick
I love you more.

Always the first star that I find

:: 2004 17 October :: 11.27 pm

Nothing lasts forever.

Nothing.

People are born and then they die.

Trees grow and then they die.

Plants grow and then they're eaten and they die.

Animals are born and then they die.

Buildings are built and after years and years they become useless and are destroyed.

Roads wear out.

Houses crumble.

Rocks fall.

Nothing lasts forever.

It's only high school, what am I thinking?

Nothing lasts forever.

Why do I hope?

Why do I stay?

Why do I pray?

Nothing lasts forever.

We are all masochists, wanting a moment of joy for a day of pain.

Love is a drug. A highly addictive drug.

A painful, lonely drug.

A drug.

I know nothing lasts forever.

And I know nothing means exactly that: nothing.

But I have a small hope.

Enough to keep me going. Enough to make me keep trying over and over again.

Love is a drug.

And I'm addicted.

There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love.

Always the first star that I find

:: 2004 17 October :: 12.13 am

We went to Blockbuster today. I only went so I could see Ashley.

Ashley said Katie is mad at me. Because I'm mad at her for being sad about Janina leaving.

Which is amazing because I didn't even know I was mad at Katie.



The only outside contact I had today was seeing Ashley and Ben calling me (for about a minute or two) for Nick's cell phone number (which he already had).

Nice to see that my ex-boyfriend calls me when my boyfriend doesn't.



Whatever. I'm sick of my pity parties and I'm sick of being sad.

I'm so sick of this cycle.

I just want to leave everything. Everyone. Life. Worrying. Caring. Attempts to help that are all in vain.

I just want to go away.

But no one's ready to let go just yet.

I wish I could just cut these strings. These bonds holding us together.

Then I could go.

But no. I have to care. I have to worry. I have to love.

I have to feel.

I just want to leave.

I can't even walk away.

Always the first star that I find

:: 2004 15 October :: 11.39 pm

No, it isn't to you.
Yeah. Whatever.

Fuck it.

Don't you cry, you fucking wimp. You're so goddamn selfish, it makes me sick. You're so fucking unstable, it's unhealthy. You know why you're sick. You know what's wrong. How about you stand up and stop doing the same shit over and over?

Oh, yeah, that's right. You don't give a fuck. You'll be okay tomorrow. It doesn't matter. It's just the time of day.

Whatever. Stop making up half-ass excuses and feel better. Stop pretending you're okay and talk to people. Tell them what's wrong. They tell you their problems, doesn't it work both ways?

You're so stupid.

Just get over yourself. Get over people. Get over this shit you repeat to yourself.

Stop being such a dumb fuck.

And stop crying. Now.

God, I hate you.

Always the first star that I find

:: 2004 14 October :: 10.56 pm
:: Mood: useless

So today I hung out with Ben and Nick and Tom.

Ben asked me if it was okay that he took me home second, from Nick's house, because he needed to talk to me about something.

So we were talking all the way from his house to mine and for about an hour and fifteen minutes in my driveway.

He cried.

And I felt so horrible for him because I know how he feels right now.

I cried though not so much.

I can't help him. I don't know what to say to help him out in any way.

So I listened. And gave him lots of hugs. And told him I know what he feels right now but I can't help except remind him that he needs to keep going. That's the only way it'll get better.

But it feels so horrible. So painful. I know what's wrong, I know what he's feeling.

And I can't help. I don't know how.

I ended up telling him that I'll always be here if he needs someone to talk to.

I just feel so useless. I've been through it, I know what's going on.

But I don't know how I got up. How I got out.

I just know that I did, sort of. I still fall back down every once in a while but now instead of everyday, it's maybe once every two months.

I wish I could help.

I hope that spilling everything helped him a little...

Because I know nothing else I said did.

Always the first star that I find

:: 2004 12 October :: 10.15 pm

Today was four months.

Nick came over.

He was tired.

I convinced him to take a nap.

He did and when he woke up, he told me the reason he always sleeps at my house.

He said it's because he feels safe.

He told me that he closes and locks his windows and doors at night. He said that he can't sleep with the radio on because he can't hear if someone comes in his room.

But he said I make him feel safe. I make him feel relaxed.

Comfortable.

I said that today. I said that our relationship is comfortable.

He said it was something greater than comfortable.

I agree.

I don't know what that something is but it's nice.

Mmm. It's perfectly imperfect.

Here's to another four months...

2 You are my satellite | Always the first star that I find

:: 2004 12 October :: 12.31 am
:: Mood: determined

Revelation
I just realized that there is someone 13 miles away who loves me.

Someone who worries about me.

Someone who cares about me.

Someone who misses me.

I just realized that I am loved.

It made me laugh, smile and cry all at the same time.

It's the best feeling in the world.

I am loved. I am in love.

I love.

It's four months today.

Right now.

I'm happy.

I love Nick.

Truly. Eternally.

Forever starts today.

Always the first star that I find

:: 2004 11 October :: 9.49 pm

We had a test in Physics Concepts today.

I wrote the date on my test.

10-11-04

October 11th, 2004.

And I realized that tomorrow is four months for me and Nick.

Smurfing wow.

The months fly by so fast it's amazing.

Next month will be five.

December will be six. Half of a year.

I can't even see how we got this far so quickly. It's fantastic.

And it's amazing.

It just feels...

Like this is it. This is where I belong.

I don't know if it is. I don't care about knowing.

But it feels right. It feels perfect.

Did you know that we fit together? My head rests perfectly on his chest. In his dent. On his shoulder. My body fits perfectly against his.

I'd hate to say it. It sounds so corny. So staged. So horrible.

But I feel it. I feel that extra comfortable safe feeling. The one I'd love to come home to. The one I'd love to live with forever.

This is nice. This is comfortable.

I love Nick. This feels so nice. You have no idea.

I miss him. Every moment of everyday.

Always the first star that I find

:: 2004 11 October :: 3.45 pm

I am
I am a self-centered jerk.

I am a selfish bitch.

I am giving and waiting for something in return.

I am starving for attention and for those words I never hear.

I am suffering "from missing words".

I am "waiting to hear something from somebody" I care about.

I am "insensitive to everything and dying from the inside out".

I am lonely while I stay surrounded by people I no longer recognize.

I am striving toward a light that's always beyond my reach.

I am without hopes and dreams big or small.

I am afraid of what might not happen because I'm too afraid to face it when it does.

I am jealous and scared of everything behind and ahead.

I am running from my skeletons.

Always the first star that I find

:: 2004 11 October :: 5.57 am

Nick goes in for his CAT scan today.

He's probably leaving right now...

Always the first star that I find