:: 2004 10 October :: 9.10 pm

I don't want to be here anymore.

I'm sick of this cycle.

1 You are my satellite | Always the first star that I find

:: 2004 10 October :: 2.23 pm
:: Music: Lamb

Always the first star that I find

:: 2004 9 October :: 2.19 pm

Nick and I were talking last night. I mentioned Jessa Marsh and he mentioned something about how she offered to teach him how to French kiss once upon a time ago.

I mentioned that I offered too. At Jackie's what seems a billion years ago.

He said he'd always been shy about kissing.

I smiled and I kissed him.

And he said I was different. I'd always been different.

So has he.

Always the first star that I find

:: 2004 7 October :: 10.41 pm

it's stuck in my head...
Time
Thought I'd make friends with time
That's something that I wouldn't mind
To make friends
With time

Fear
Whoever came too near
Whoever made me feel like
I could love
My whole life

It's only you...

Arms
How I hate all the arms
Around my throat til I choke
Breathe in and
Breathe out

Night
When I trade day for night
When everything seems alright
I break through thin ice

It's only you...

Always the first star that I find

:: 2004 7 October :: 6.24 pm

This song is pretty despite its lyrics
Send me the pillow ...
The one that you dream on ...
Send me the pillow ...
The one that you dream on ...
And I'll send you mine

Always the first star that I find

:: 2004 7 October :: 5.02 pm

I love Nick.

Always the first star that I find

:: 2004 6 October :: 11.35 pm

Nick came over today.

He was on some painkillers that made him drowsy so I let him take a nap. He told me to wake him up in fifteen minutes.

I laid next to him, curled up against his body, my hand on his, just listening to him breathe and sleep. I decided to let him sleep for a half hour.

Then I cried.

I just curled up next to him and cried about how unfair it was that he has all these things happen to him. And I was worried.

I'm so worried about him.

He woke up. I don't even remember why but he noticed that I looked like I was going to cry/did cry.

He goes in for a CAT scan on Monday. He has a doctor's appointment on his birthday.

Last night, he talking about his tumor being worse and that he might have surgery to remove it.

It looks like he will.

It's not a cancerous tumor, it's benign.

In fact, some people call fibrous dysplasia a tumor.

They might have to take the metal plate off his hip.

And take out a part of his bone and replace it with a metal rod or a "cadaver bone" as he put it.

I don't know. I'm just worried about him. I know he'll be okay. He's brave and he's a survivor. He's been through this all his life and really, it's not too horrible.

I'm just scared for him.

Please pray for Nick.


Katie and I were talking after school about how we both hoped he was my one and only.

He's the best ever.

And no matter what happens, I'm always going to love him.

I promise I will stay, I may change but my heart will always be the same

Always and forever and a day.

I love Nick.

I love you.

Always the first star that I find

:: 2004 6 October :: 6.17 am

I'm okay, I'm better.

I cried for about an hour last night.

Then prayed.

I'm still scared and worried but it's not so overwhelming anymore.

I just wish that Nick would have something good happen to him for once.

Always the first star that I find

:: 2004 5 October :: 11.44 pm

I can't call, it's too late.

I'll have to stop myself.

Or try.

Always the first star that I find

:: 2004 5 October :: 11.35 pm
:: Mood: crying

But I don't think I can talk because I'm not very stable right now...
Not a second after I get off the phone with Nick, I'm crying.

I'd love to blame it all on purple monkey syndrome and leave it at that.

But I know that's not right. I know that's not it.

I hurt. All over.

My heart hurts, my everything hurts.

I can't breathe.

Something's wrong and I don't know what it is.

But it just feels different.

Whatever it is, it caused me to cry myself to sleep for the past three nights. And I know I'll be crying again tonight.

I already am.

It just hurts. Something's wrong.

And I can't do anything about it because I don't know what it is.

Nick's probably going to have to have surgery and I know he's got to be scared. And I know he's stressed and I know he's everything.

It just feels awkward.

And I don't want to do this anymore. I want to bleed, I want to die, I want to scream, I want to cry.

I just don't know what's going on. It's not all hormones, I know it isn't.

I try to put on a mask at school and I know I fail horribly. I've had at least 4 people ask me if I was okay today.

I try to put on a mask for Nick. I'm so afraid of lying to him that I know it has fallen a thousand times.

I don't want people to know how I feel. I don't want your pity. I don't want your questions. It was so annoying to have Lil Ben ask me a thousand times what was wrong and tell me a thousand times to be happy.

I don't want that.

I just want to sit here and ride this out. I'll be okay, I always am.

I just crash and burn at night. I'm just stuck in a ditch, I'll climb out fast enough and everything will be okay.

But right now I'm crying and I want to die.

I want to hurt myself so much right now.

Nick told me to call him if I ever felt like that. Anytime I felt like that.

But he needs sleep. I just got off the phone with him 15 minutes or so ago.

And I'll be okay in a bit.

I'll be okay. I am okay.

I'm just off.

No I'm not very stable right now.

And I won't be for a while.

Just let me ride it out, I'll be okay. My bad feelings will go away, I'll smile, I'll laugh, everything will be fine.

I just need to let it all out.

Always the first star that I find

:: 2004 5 October :: 6.36 pm
:: Mood: worried

I've been trying to get ahold of Nick since 3:40 so I finally gave up and called his cell phone.

He went in to the specialist today to get things checked out.

The one part of his leg is doing better, the part that was bad before, but there's another spot that's really bad.

He has to go in for a CAT scan soon to see how bad it is.

If it's terribly horrible, he'll have to get surgery to get it fixed. Which to me sounded like removing a chunk of it and putting in a metal rod.

It's scary. But everything will be okay, I know it will be.

He's strong and it's not so terrible.

I'll ask him more about it later. I didn't really get to ask him what I wanted to or talk to him about everything.

I miss him a lot now. After talking to him for that short amount of time...

I love Nick.

Everything will be okay. It always is.

Always the first star that I find

:: 2004 4 October :: 10.44 pm

You're irreplaceable.

I'm never ever going to let go.

I love you.

I'm sorry we fight. I'm sorry I cry. I'm sorry it makes you feel like it's your fault. I'm sorry that I say I'm sorry.

I love you. I love you with my everything.

Nothing is going to change that, Nick.

Not if I'm happy, not if I'm sad. Nothing will ever change how I feel.

I love you. Always and forever and a day.

I'm not letting go.

Always the first star that I find

:: 2004 4 October :: 10.11 pm

I'm an idiot.

No wonder I want to give up.

This is just so pointless.

Always the first star that I find

:: 2004 4 October :: 5.34 pm

I'm an idiot.

Why would I ever give this up?

Always the first star that I find

:: 2004 3 October :: 9.25 pm

I was ready to go.

I was ready to leave him.

I was ready to leave everything.

He wouldn't let me.

I'm glad he didn't.

He said he'll always love me and feel for me two times more than I love and feel for him. No matter what.

I said I wanted forever.

Forever starts now. Welcome to your dreams.

Always the first star that I find