:: 2004 3 October :: 1.39 am
:: Music: Il est temps by Kyo

Always the first star that I find

:: 2004 2 October :: 2.30 pm

Yeah, so my last thing.

I had this bad feeling last night that something was up. While I was babysitting.

It wasn't just my normal bad feeling, it was the bad feeling that sort of paralyzes you.

So Nick calls me now. It's 2.

He says he just woke up.

His legs and hip have been hurting bad for a while now. They hurt a lot last night during work so he called his parents and they took him to the hospital.


He was in the ER last night from about 7:30 to 2 this morning.




So I'm talking to him on the phone and he wonders why I suddenly stop talking.

I don't know. I'm just scared and worried.

Really scared.

Something's not right.

2 You are my satellite | Always the first star that I find

:: 2004 1 October :: 8.54 pm

After presents for Nick and Ben, I'm buying Katamari Damacy (Damashii).

Or I could wait until Christmas.

Always the first star that I find

:: 2004 1 October :: 8.50 pm

I don't think this is very good at all.

Something is going to happen.

1 You are my satellite | Always the first star that I find

:: 2004 1 October :: 8.43 pm

We were discussing a poem the day before yesterday in AP Lit.

Mr. Watson mentioned something about how if the person you're in a relationship with doesn't want to hang out with you, it's a bad sign.

I wish I knew that back then. Or realized what was happening.

It wouldn't have mattered, it would've happened anyway.

It still would have ended.

And I'm thankful it did.

If not, Nick and I wouldn't have gotten back together.

And I'd just be terribly miserable, striving toward nothing in a dead-end relationship.

The sad part is, we're better friends now than we were a couple or before.

And he calls me a lot more than he ever did when we were together.

And it's weird.

I didn't think we'd still be friends.

Or as good of friends as we are.

Meh.

Things work out the ways you don't expect them to.

Always the first star that I find

:: 2004 30 September :: 5.46 pm

I miss Nick.

I love him.

Always the first star that I find

:: 2004 29 September :: 10.38 pm

Nick showed up with chocolate and flowers.

Katie, I think he's a keeper.

1 You are my satellite | Always the first star that I find

:: 2004 29 September :: 4.59 pm

I want a sari.

I hate when you have to want to call two people but neither of them pick up the phone.

I think Nick said he was staying after school and he works at 5. No one picked up and I didn't want to waste his minutes on his cell phone.

I called Ben first to see why he wasn't at school. No one answered. I think someone was on the phone.

Ben called last night while I was at work. Of course no one told me.

He was probably just bored.

Nick is working now until 10. I miss him.

I was out of it today. Just not very happy.

Sorry.

Always the first star that I find

:: 2004 28 September :: 6.04 pm

It's good to be in love
It really does suit you
Just like everything
I'm happy you're in love
Cuz every color goes where you do




This song is really not what I mean but it is at the same time.

I'm in love truly and deeply for what feels like the first and last time in my life.

This is where I'm meant to be.

And the world is so smoothbeautiful.

Always the first star that I find

:: 2004 27 September :: 3.41 pm

And you tell me that it's over...
You know it's not going to happen.

But you hope anyway.

Why?

Why am I sitting here wishing and hoping and dreaming that you'll drive up, stop by to hang out, when I know damn well that it's not going to happen?

When I know that nothing ever works out.

And you're not going to come.

I know it. And I still wish you will. I still hope you will.

I still hurt.

I still miss you.

And I still cry.

Just like always.

Why can't I learn?

And you I don't wanna be here in the future
So you I say the present's just a pleasant
Interruption to the past
And you don't wanna look much closer
Cuz your afraid to find out all this hope
You had sent into the sky by now had crashed
And it did
Because of me

Always the first star that I find

:: 2004 27 September :: 6.12 am

It hurts. Missing you. Seeing everyone but you. Talking to everyone but you.

Crying because I don't get to see you.

I'm always crying.

I miss you so much.

If you miss me more, you've got to be hurting.

I love you.

You said it a thousand times last night and I only said it twice.

I love you, Nick.

And I miss you.

And it hurts.

Jessa wants me to go to her wedding. I don't even know her and she really wants me to go.

November 13th. A Saturday.

I feel loved that she wants me to go but nervous because I don't know her and I've never been to a wedding.

But I'll try to go.

Hearts.

Always the first star that I find

:: 2004 26 September :: 11.23 am

I will always go beside you
You will always understand
And now, it's all the same to me
So be whatever you want to be
And go wherever you need to go
And when there's nothing left behind
Taken whatever you needed to
And leave it all into my mind

I will always
Go beside you
You will always
Understand



I have too much to do today.

I miss you.

I'm going to call Shayna and tell her I don't want to do it today. Maybe we can do it after school or maybe we don't need to do it at all. If she just gives me a list of what's in the dress, what she'll be wearing, I'll be okay. I'll give her my list and we'll be fine.



Pretty eyes, pretty eyes
Not a cloud in my day
Not a cloud in my way
Angel eyes, no disguise
No pretention is here
No pretention, no fear

Don't leave me calling
Don't leave me falling

Always the first star that I find

:: 2004 25 September :: 8.36 pm

Place me like a seal over your heart,
like a seal on your arm;
for love is as strong as death,
its jealousy unyielding as the grave.
It burns like blazing fire,
like a mighty flame.
Many waters cannot quench love;
rivers cannot wash it away.
If one were to give
all the wealth of his house for love,
it would be utterly scorned.

[The passion of love bursting into flame is more powerful than death, stronger than the grave. Love cannot be drowned by oceans or floods; it cannot be bought, no matter what is offered.]

Always the first star that I find

:: 2004 25 September :: 8.08 pm

"Rachel, are you a Bohemian?"
You've asked me that before... I guess I am.


Things aren't always as they seem.

Things are exactly the way they seem.

Always the first star that I find

:: 2004 24 September :: 12.08 am

A sad fact widely known: the most impassionate song to a lonely soul, is so easily outgrown.



Ben and I are doing Race for the Cure tomorrow/today.

I've done it the past two years with Mom and Hannah because Aunt Patty died of breast cancer.

But this year we forgot. The school didn't say much about it either.

So Ben and I will be hanging out like the good old days.

Whenever those were.

I'm surprised we're still friends. I didn't think we'd be anywhere near where we're at. Especially since I was a complete jerk.

It's nice but scary.

Nick stopped by for a bit today. I cried which was half surprising because I haven't cried in a while.

He came by while I was on the phone with Ben.

Speaking of which, I think I talk to him more now than I ever did when we were together.

I had a point.

Oh, yes. I should be in bed and my journal is beautiful.

Love what you do, what you do

Always the first star that I find