::
2004 24 September :: 8.38 pm
She said,
"The moon has fallen into a sea of dirt, and all that I loved is gone."
They said,
"There is still the sea. The clouds. The earth."
She said,
"The ground slides, filthy and bedraggled, into the melting earth, and all that I loved is gone."
They said,
"There is still the sea. The clouds."
She said,
"The sea is but a stench - it devours but it does not live. All that I loved... is gone."
They said,
"But the clouds. We still have the clouds."
She said,
"The clouds are veils of sulfur and acid rain."
They said,
"We love the rain."
She said,
"All that I loved is gone."
Always the first star that I find |
::
2004 24 September :: 7.50 pm
Only in dreams
Do you love me like you used to?
I hate planning ahead.
I called Nick at 4 to see if he wanted to hang out today. He said he was going to take a nap and would call me later to see what I wanted to do.
I don't think he's awake yet and I don't want to call and wake him up.
So I wait.
It's okay if he doesn't want to do something. Or can't. Or wants to hang out with someone else.
I mean, I just saw him yesterday.
And when you're dancing and laughing and finally living, hear my voice in your head and think of me kindly.
Always the first star that I find |
::
2004 24 September :: 6.21 am
You don't wanna be here in the future so you tell me the present's just a pleasant interruption to the past
I'm too tired to take a shower.
When Nick takes me home, if he has time, we lie down in my front yard next to each other and talk and look at the stars.
It's nice. It's comfortable.
It's another one of those moments that just makes me feel like this is it.
This is where I'm meant to be.
It's beautiful and deadly.
Always the first star that I find |
::
2004 23 September :: 3.36 pm
Men weren't meant to ride with clouds beneath their knees
Yay?
3 You are my satellite |
Always the first star that I find |
::
2004 23 September :: 2.27 pm
And she hates you and your friends
I wish I could drive.
But here I am. Not at Cedar. Not seeing Nick.
I hate planning ahead.
Always the first star that I find |
::
2004 23 September :: 1.41 pm
The piano has been drinking
I don't know how I'm going to get over to Cedar so I probably won't.
Which upsets me greatly.
Maybe I'll call around and see if people are willing to take moneys for a taxi service.
Hearts and baboons.
Always the first star that I find |
::
2004 21 September :: 10.21 pm
Yeah... I'm in love...
It felt like the tide was coming in.
It felt like maybe this was it.
I was scared.
I was lonely.
I was missing you.
I'm glad it was only a misunderstanding.
I'm beginning to be thankful for those.
I love you more than you'll ever know.
And miss you even though you just left.
I wouldn't leave you for anything.
I fell in love with you at the hockey game.
There is such a thing as love at first sight.
It's more like love at first meeting.
But I know in my everything that I'll love you forever.
I only hope forever is possible.
Always the first star that I find |
::
2004 21 September :: 4.51 pm
:: Mood: meh
I'm blinded by the starry sky
And you
Speaking of not feeling good...
I'm not feeling good.
73h end.
Tears, crying myself to sleep, potholes, speed bumps, short falls...
Whatever.
It's the same old thing over and over again.
I can't see the end
Meh. It doesn't really matter. I'm sick of talking about me and my crap.
Besides, right now there's nothing.
And you know it.
Always the first star that I find |
::
2004 20 September :: 6.09 pm
Things aren't what they seem
Makes no sense at all
"In the world there are only two tragedies. One is not to get what one wants, and the other is getting it."
She's biting her lip
As she watches the waves turn white at the tip
Today is a blah day. I tried calling Nick but no one picked up and I didn't want to call his cell phone.
Heaven's not a place that you go when you die
It's that moment in life when you actually feel alive
So I called Ben to see how he was.
His hair dances in the wind
And he's wondering what love is
And why it has to end
And he can't understand
How everyone goes on breathing when true love ends
I would call Nick back to talk to him but I don't care enough to make the effort.
Heaven's not a place that you go when you die
It's that moment in life when you touch her and you feel alive
If I'm supposed to talk to him, he'll call me or I'll care enough to call him.
Love is just a hoax
So forget anything that you have heard
And live for the moment now
I cannot wait until Janina comes and we can all scare her to death.
But there's always a line you don't cross
Time is short
Don't be cruel
Oh you don't know the power
In what you're saying
Heaven is just a place you go when you die. Nothing more. Nothing less.
If you believe anything else, you're just going to get hurt.
Slightly bemused by the total rejection
Hey you
Hey you
Came to this world by caesarean section
Hey you
Hey you
Dreams of a place with a better selection
Hey you
Hey you
Dreams of a face that is pure perfection
Hey you
Always the first star that I find |
::
2004 20 September :: 6.00 am
And it's just my luck to end up getting stuck to everything you are
So tonight I'll sit and pick apart your pictures
And overanalyze your words
But the truth is that I've never fallen so hard
It's taking everything in me just to forget your sweater so far
I can honestly say
That I never, ever, ever felt this way
I miss you and it's only been a day.
I slept curled up in a ball clutching your hoodie.
It smells like you.
I dreamt of you.
I hope you feel better.
I love you.
Always the first star that I find |
::
2004 19 September :: 10.18 pm
Mood change = journal change.
On the way home with Nick today, I was thinking about how insignificant my life and the events in my life really are.
I felt small. I feel small.
And alone.
All my dreams, my aspirations, they count for nothing.
I want to get married. I want to start a family. I want to have children and grandchildren.
I want to love and be loved.
But I won't be anything.
I'll just be another statistic. My children will just be one more person to add to the population. My grandchildren will just be more weight added to the world.
I am nothing compared to everything.
And it's scary.
L'amour n'est que un hiver de toute la vie...
Love is only a lifelong winter.
Icon of Nick. Picture from Alex/Aerii. Colors begging for winter.
I love you. I miss you more than you could ever know.
Always the first star that I find |
::
2004 17 September :: 11.56 pm
I was talking to Ashley about my notebooks today.
The one from last year only has the back of one page left.
I wrote a lot today.
Memories.
You see what you get when we plan ahead? That's why I love being spontaneous.
Love means hate.
4 You are my satellite |
Always the first star that I find |
::
2004 17 September :: 6.06 am
My name is M.C. Menses and my flow be fresh.
I've been exhausted for forever.
I wonder when I'll not be anymore.
It's Friday.
I have a French "quiz", a Physics Concepts test and a Psych "it should only take half the hour" test/quiz.
I just want to go back to bed.
I keep having dreams I don't want to have.
The night before last's was pretty really good.
Last night's was one of those that you wish you didn't have.
But dreams are just random thoughts and it means nothing.
Fred, as of yesterday, was waning like he usually does on the last day. That shouldn't be happening until Saturday.
Not that I'm complaining.
It's just freaking me out.
He's come early, he's left late but he's never left two days early.
Oh well.
My dad said he might take us to see that Sky Bob and the Planet of the Next Day movie. He said Nick seemed pretty interested so we could drag him along.
He gets out of work at 9.
I'm still thinking of going over to Ben's after school. Even though I have Fable.
Just because I'll be bored and it's fun hanging out with Katie and Ben.
Happy Friday. I'm going to start getting ready.
I love you.
Always the first star that I find |
::
2004 15 September :: 7.02 pm
Si rien dure pour toujours, alors mon amour pour toi est rien.
Always the first star that I find |
::
2004 15 September :: 6.52 pm
Je suis amoureux de Nick.
Je sais.
Mais j'ai peur.
Je sais tout seront bien.
Et il n'importe pas.
Je suis amoureux.
Et j'aime Nick.
Always the first star that I find |
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