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2003 12 February :: 12.15 pm
No matter what, I will never find happiness.
It doesn't matter if I try or not.
Why waste the effort?
I quit.
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2003 11 February :: 7.06 pm
Steve says the coolest things...
"You've got the Kup-meister and the Dyke-meister"
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2003 11 February :: 11.15 am
:: Mood: amused
:: Music: American Hi-Fi - Flavor of the week
When major issues have me down, sometimes I like to objectify some other things I used to think were important.
I am a firm believer that GameCube is better than PS2 and X-Box, but supporting my point is impossible. Anyway, here is a quote on the subject that made me smile.
Gabe- "I think I've had enough of the "kids games," "adult games" thing. It completely misses the point. Are they afraid playing a game with colors in it will make them a dork? Well, that boat already sailed. You play videogames? Welcome to Dorksville. You want to know how cool your videogames are? Ask your fucking girlfriend how cool. And if you don't have a girlfriend? That's part of the test."
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2003 11 February :: 12.22 am
:: Mood: amused
Last night, I wrote an uncharactoristically long e-mail to my parents. I actually opened up. It wasn't the normal "classes are well. I am good." It was...
just kidding, It's okay for me to tell my parents things cause they don't know who these people are, you however, it was most likely about.
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2003 10 February :: 11.07 pm
Thanks.
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2003 10 February :: 10.55 am
:: Mood: Dreaming
:: Music: American Hi-Fi - Flavor of the Week
“She has this look like she’s an angel,
Not to my surprise.
But when I drink it makes her angry.
When I drink I want her more and more and more.
Tripping hard, falling down onto the ground
Cause I can’t stand up
And I can’t fall down
Cause I’m somewhere in the middle of this”
White picket fence
The sun is shining
Big house on top of a hill
I’m pushing my son on the tire swing in the front yard
My wife looks on and smiles, drinking pink lemonade
My daughter is playing with the puppy I brought home for Easter
The sun is shining
That is my dream.
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2003 7 February :: 10.37 pm
:: Mood: bored
:: Music: New Found Glory - The story so far
Last night I made a decision when out with Kate. Pretending you like someone doesn't help any situation. Why didn't I see it this way before?
Jeremy is a jerk. He makes her happy. I'm happy for her, but that doesn't change the fact that he is a jerk.
Someday, my wings will be real.
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2003 6 February :: 5.54 pm
:: Mood: confused
:: Music: Nora
Just a thought.
I go to see a former rocker who I never heard of, dress like Jesus, and never get within 300 feet of him. I wear a suit.
I go to see Jesus every sunday, and I am infinately close to him. But I wear a T-shirt and dirty Jeans.
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2003 4 February :: 8.56 am
:: Mood: Fallen
Something takes a part of me.
Something lost and never seen.
Everytime I start to believe,
Something's raped and taken from me... from me.
Life's got to always be messing with me.
Can't they chill and let me be free?
Can't I take away all this pain.
I try to every night, all in vain... in vain.
Sometimes I cannot take this place.
Sometimes it's my life I can't taste.
Sometimes I cannot feel my face.
You'll never see fall from grace
Something takes a part of me.
You and I were meant to be.
I cheat, but for me to lay.
Something takes a part of me.
Feeling like a freak on a leash.
Feeling like I have no release.
How many times have I felt diseased?
Nothing in my life is free... is free
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2003 4 February :: 8.31 am
:: Mood: aggravated
...Nope...
Still the same...
Nothing has changed...
Why must people mock me when I'm down? I mean if Jeremy wouldn't have been such a dick last night, maybe I could like him more. Between Zora, polish people and Jesus, he was really pushing my buttons last night. I tell myself, "One more remark and I'll stand up for myself", but I never do. I'm afraid that I am getting angry for the wrong reasons. He's such a dick, and I'm powerless against him.
My class got out early because we had a test today. I have no clue how I did. I hate eight O'Clock classes.
...ment for someone else, but not for me...
I feel so alone sometimes. Like there isn't anyone for miles. Maybe I should stop hanging out at the Library at 8 in the mourning.
ARRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!! I hate my life.
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2003 3 February :: 11.41 pm
:: Mood: tired
:: Music: Norah Jones - Seven Years
“Girls don’t like boys, Girls like cars and money…”
I don’t belong. I don’t belong here. I don’t belong at home. I just don’t.
I don’t even belong in this skin… this shell. Please God take me away from this.
I need a change: a modification that I cannot bring about on my own. I need to be someone different. Something different.
I suddenly feel sick to my stomach. I can’t handle this. All of this. None of this. I need a break from all this bull-shit.
Thursday is my break. Who knows? Maybe after going through the motions of happiness for a while, maybe I can fool me, if no one else.
My self-image is horribly disfigured. None of this makes any sense. No one can save me. Not even the angel. Not even Nora Jones.
I suddenly feel very tired. I need some rest.
Maybe I will rise a new person…
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2003 2 February :: 11.53 pm
:: Mood: artistic
:: Music: Nora Jones - Don't know why
“My heart is drenched in wine
But you’ll be on my mind
Forever”
…
19 years of this crap, and all I get is this stupid t-shirt I made for myself.
…
OK, this was going to be one of those major depressing journal entries. But then she walked into my room, again. Everyone should have a Melissa.
…
Well, um… man it’s hard to write when I’m happy.
…
I don’t know why I’ve always liked Angels. Perhaps it is in my name. I share a name with the most BAD ASS angel ever mad by God: Michael. In case you don’t know, when God brightest pupil, Lucifer, decided that being good wasn’t cool, there was a war waged in Heaven. Micheal single handedly mopped the floor with Satin, and banished him from Heaven. Don’t believe me? I’ve got a little pewter statue to prove it.
…
Angels are cool. So is Nora Jones. So is Melissa. Weird.
…
I had unexplained humanoid growths on my arms as a kid. I still think they would have become wings, if western medicine weren’t so into destroying what it doesn’t understand.
Now if you’ve ever seen Dogma, wither or not the wings were real, cutting them out made me human. Let me believe.
Some of us prefer delusion to despair.
…
It is time for me to go to sleep, time for me to dance with the angels.
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2003 1 February :: 12.48 am
:: Mood: tired
Let me warn you in advance, this will be a long one.
Ok as I said about two weeks ago, I met a girl. The kind of girl my mother always wanted me to find: A Catholic girl. We have an unspeakable number of things in common with each other. I am physically attracted to her. We have the same ultimate goals in life. There is only one problem. I don’t really like her. I don’t loathe her or anything. And I would love to be her friend. But that is all.
Why don’t I have feelings for her?
I cannot explain it. At one time I thought my lack of feelings was because I thought she expected things from me, which I could not give her. I later found out that this is not the case.
The only other option is that I do in fact enjoy being single. This upon closer inspection is utterly and completely false. I hate being single. I want nothing more than to get college over with and “get me a wife”. Then I could live my dream, buy a house, have 2.2 kids, and own a few dogs. That is what I want most of all.
The dream does not include her. I don’t know why she wont fit into the wife role. She just doesn’t. Nearly every other girl I have ever met fit the role, but she is one of the few exceptions. I don’t know why.
Anyway, I can’t break things off yet. We are going to see a play together. No matter how I phrase it, I can’t get an excuse to tell her not to go. “I’m sorry but I don’t see me marrying you five years from now, so I can’t spend next Thursday with you.” And I do like her. I would be friends with her. We could be great pals. So there is no reason not to go with her. I just don’t ever see my self truly loving her.
I don’t know why. I can’t. It seems like love is as simple as everyone implies it is, it would be here. It isn’t simple. I can only find love with certain people. I hope I find one soon.
I hope all the good ones aren’t already taken. (Looks around) Damn.
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2003 19 January :: 1.25 pm
:: Mood: ecstatic
:: Music: Oasis - Wonderwall
I MET A GIRL!
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2003 18 January :: 12.55 pm
:: Mood: apathetic
:: Music: Silence.
It’s nearly one o’clock.
I’ve been awake since eleven. Not a word was spoken in those two hours. Thoughts drifted through my head like a slow steady freight train. Methodically. I tried to make some sense of it. Any sense at all. After two hours of thinking about worldly matters, religion, politics, school, friends, and most of all women, I only came to one decision.
I need to get drunk.
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