And just like that, everything changes. One girl says she likes me, and I once again feel like girls liking me is possible. I told her I couldn’t be what she needed, in so proving that I would not trade myself for the act of “being loved.” Another girl comes and talks to me and fixes my lack of faith, not only in God but also in women. I wish I could feel this recharged always.

Disco is Dead
Love’s Alive

Sittin' around looking for a fight kinda' pissed off how I'm turnin'
My life up-side down from insecure insecurities makin' up
My mind through old hypocrisy up and out of harms way down
cause I want to be there here because you want
Me not because you're caught in My stare.
What was that move that they taught in self-defense
where you block the killer's knife move with some confidence the signal
when you're trapped inside a moving car I wonder if he'll drive real far.
What a day, you should've stayed home shootin' the breeze all day,
you should think next time before you start to play,
I wonder what will happen today?

Fuck it. I'M OUT!

I don’t think I can compete anymore. I’ll never be quite as good. Nothing will ever be quite as good. I feel everything that I used to believe in slipping away. God… Love… I don’t think they really matter to me anymore. I’ve spent my whole life chasing them that I don’t know if I could keep it up anymore. I feel sick. I’ve felt sick for a long time. I feel that I am dieing. The world around me seems so vain now. There is no purpose for life anymore. Nothing left to live for except living.

In short, I'm in a world of shit... yes. But I am alive. And I am not afraid.

and Weeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!

Ok I'm back. Only this time I have more... time. Why can't any of my classes be 30 minutes apart? Their either 15 or 1:10. So I either have to run to class, or walk and end up wasting time cuz I got there 50 minutes early.

My classes are going well today. What am I kidding, they have been a joke. I don't think I'll have any problem passing Basic or Public Speaking. I just got out of Calc 4, where something strange happened. I got there early of course and was sitting there when this girl sat down next to me. I tryed the good old "Have your heard anything about this Professor?" It worked better than I imagined. We were chatting for quite some time when I said "I'm glad I'm taking this class in the winter because I don't think I could handle Diffy Q coming back from summer break."
"Diffy Q?"
"Differential Equations."
"What class is this?"
I said "Calc 4"
She got up and left.
Dammit.

...

I wonder if you could make a wine out of blood. What would it taste like and how would I go about making it. If I put a type of yeast in it would it "eat" the blood cells and go about the wine making process. I bet I could make a killing if I could make a wine out of blood that tasted decient.

...

On a survey I filled out in public speaking I almost put down something very funny.

Q) What is your major and why did you pick it?
A) Mechanical Engineering, I like to build things... and drive trains.

...

My wrists hurt from last night. No, not from that! Get your head out of the gutter!

...

The other night I had a dream. I drempt I could do magic. Stupid tricks mostly. Changing people's hair color, instantaniously changing clothes and fflying. I didn't not become a superhero, however. I used my powers to TRY to impress girls. It didn't even work. What kind of man dreams about being one million times the man he really is and still getting rejected? Me.

...

I want to spontaniously combust!

...

If I had to pick a type of rock to be for the rest of time I would definatly be Basalt.

...

My arm is STILL NUMB! Why, God, are you punishing me? *Oh yeah, the sins.

...

Aquaman is the WORST super hero ever! I mean, talking to fish and "swimming good" don't quilify you to be a member of Justice Leage.

...

I found out over break that my poor grammer is in fact due to being Polish. There is a catologue full of Polish memorbilia, including objects used "in time of peice". Wackijmi Ziwi.

...

If I could change one thing about myself it would be my eyes. I hate brown. It just looks so shitty. You know, shitty like crap.

...

I just lost my train of thought. sorry.

What do you see in me?
Why, oh, can't I see?
Thinking that its something, but its something, nothing more.
Making pacts of chastity 'till someone hits the floor.

Oh, what it takes to be a man these days,
I wish I really new.
Looking for the answers that I thought I'd find were true.
But it's a line to the world,
and it's a line to me.
Thinking that I'm something that I might not want to be.
I am a line.


Things just got a lot more complicated . I'll tell you about them when I figure it out.

I’m getting back into this “single” thing. I am finally being able to approach girls. I make a few mistakes while talking to them, but I’m out of practice. Now I’m back in the game, I’ll get back into my “A- Game” soon. Now the only “bad” thing that can happen is if a girl comes along and takes me back out of the game. Then again that’s the whole purpose of the game. Isn’t it? I go back to school tomorrow. I hope I don’t end up quitting the game. I need to play.

I need to change who I am. I can't stand myself anymore. I need to run away. I'll never look back. There is nothing for me here.

I thought I could make these feelings go away. I thought if I filled my time with listening to upbeat music, watching action movies, working out, and mindless chit-chat with high school friends, I could drown the feelings out. It hit me while I was watching Indiana Jones: Raiders of the Lost Ark, I may never kiss a girl again. I will never again feel a girl’s soft cheek next to mine. I will never again taste that sweet tasting lip gloss they where so much. I will never again feel a girl’s soft lips on mine. I will never again be able to feel a girl’s heart beat with my entire body. I will never live again.

So two days ago, I totally bitched out my friend. I definitely could have been a bit nicer. I didn’t say anything I didn’t mean. If you get caught into what is comfortable then you lose all momentum in your life. Your life dies. I really should have put it nicer but what are you supposed to do when a friend keeps making the same mistakes. Anyway, yesterday I felt really bad. I made him some CDs to try to make you for being a jerk. He said it wasn’t necessary, and he understood what I was saying. He just didn’t understand why I was so mad. Anyway, I decided to spend some more time with the boys. We were gonna go shopping and Eat at Denny’s. He didn’t go shopping with us, and showed up two and a half hours late to Denny’s. I don’t know where he was. I don’t want to know. I don’t think I would like the answer. Not now anyways.
I went to “Beautiful G.R.” today to visit my siblings. They always seem so happy. Their happiness gives me hope. Their happiness gives me happiness. That makes me sad.

Please tell me that the reason I can't get her out of my mind is because she's the only single female my age I have talked to in the past 2 weeks. This is not what I need now. Why do my emotions have to get all mixed? She's not interested. Simple as that. Why can't I embrace the truth? I'll live alone, and I'll die alone. It is just so cold now. I just don't know anymore.

you had this look that of an angel

Just hanging with my friends today. Why is it only when I'm surrounded by people, that I feel so helplessly alone? I can't go on this way. Perhaps I'll buy some text books tomorra'. Perhaps then I'll have something to fill the void. Perhaps I can stop thinking of her. Perhaps, Prhaps, Perhaps.