I'm gonna go out with the guys tonight. Nothing better to fill the hole in my soul than undercooked eggs and mindless chit-chat.

I just remembered my crazy dream last night.
Somebody very near to me needed an operation for a terminal illness. They didn’t have the money. So I had to give them the money. I did not have the money either, but the were counting on me. They needed $10,876. As chances have it there was a dance competition and the prize was $10,876. As you can guess I entered it. Anyway, the song I danced to was “Queens of the Stone Age – No one knows”. In my dreams I am a very good dancer. I was hitting Break dancing moves all on beat. I was some kind of king of dancing. I wish all of my dreams were this upbeat.

Nothing ever happens in my life, but in my dreams…
The dream I had last night was noteworthy.
It was in black and white, and looked to be a rip off of Leave it to Beaver. Anyway I was the father figure. I always had on a suit and was holding a pipe even though I don’t smoke. Anyway, I had two wonderful children, Dave and Andy. I believe I was a stay at home dad, that or else I worked out of the house, which doesn’t explain the suit but anyway. My wife was always some place else. My kids were always asking me were she was. Andy was the worst. He was only like five years old and was always wearing a ‘coonskin hat. Whenever he asked me, it broke my heart. I didn’t know when she was coming home. I wanted her to come home more than he did. I wanted to know who I picture my wife to be in this utopian picture. She never came, not when I was helping Dave with a model airplane, not when I was telling Andy about the last time I went fishing with my father, not when I served dinner. It was getting late so I had to put the kids to bed. Andy went down without a fuss, he had a long day. But when I put Dave to sleep, he asked me where mom was. I explained that it was probably traffic. Then Dave replied, “You don’t have to lie. I know she left you. No woman would ever want to be with you?”
Then I woke up.
What does that mean?

I can tell you the stories
The battles never won
People standing blindly
Out of reach of the sun

And I’m telling you that I am in love

Voices Surround me
Bicker at my shame
I wish with a passion
“Why can’t she feel the same?”

And I’m telling you that I am in love
I am in love

I’m trying to be a friend
And maybe then it’ll be
I know what I feel inside
Please see the beauty in me
Oh oh oh please see the beauty in me!

My heart feels empty
My soul shaken pain
I wish I could hold her
Man I loose, but I gain

And I’m telling you that I am in love
I am in love
I am in love with a girl who
Holds me with her eyes
Oh oh oh holds me with her eyes
Whoa oh oh she holds me with her eyes

I caught myself wondering today “What kind of movie is my life?” I know it seems like an odd thing to think about, but I was reading an article about a video game (Final Fantasy X) and it was talking about what a great ending the game had. It didn’t say what actually happened but it spoke of having a protagonist who had very human characteristics (weaknesses) and the torment you were put through waiting to see if he “gets the girl” at the end. I was thinking how great it would feel to have that girl finally run up into my arms. Nothing else would matter. The world and all of its needless worries, and stupid people would just fall away in that one moment. I want to feel that way once in my life. I almost had it once. I was slow-dancing with Stacey up in my room to the tune of “A Perfect Circle – Three Libras”, but it didn’t seem right. It was too… Forced. There were other times when it was close. When she came home from college and ran into my arms, but it wasn’t the same, the cares of the world were still there.

I digress. The movie I decided on was one of the Kevin Smith movies. I don’t know which one. My Kevin Smith Character is Brodie, which means I should already have my dream girl, but I am screwing it up with my immaturity. Only to win her back by showing her that it was my immaturity that she fell in love with in the first place. There are several thing wrong with this model, #1 I am single, but lets assume the girl in question is a certain ex- of mine. That seems to make it fit if it wasn’t for the fact that her and I just died. We both realize that it is a lost cause. She and I wont ever be together as long as we are the people we are today. But that is a whole other entry.
My second Character is Jay. I assume the movie that would be Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back. That would imply I meet a girl, jump through hoops for her and she falls in love with me, and we live happily ever after. That is my best option. However number 3 (Holden – Chasing Amy) is the option I sadly fit best. I meet a girl, try to get her to love me and succeeded, only to screw it up, and spend the rest of my life trying to get back the love of my life.

Why must I be this way?

A changing of the tides, once again.
Nothing much happened today. As a result of some random coincidence 80% of my friends are now single, as opposed to last week when I was the only one. We may go out and pick up chicks tomorrow. This will help me a lot; because recently I have been focusing on that one “her” I have been referring to for the past few entries. I’ve decided that She and I probably wont end up with anything, because every time I am around her I screw it up. And then there’s her roommate. She has made it very apparent where I am on her list, and lets just say it isn’t near the top. At least that takes the pressure off between her and me. I feel like I can really talk to her. Luckily how frank she is at times keeps me in check. There was a long time when I was all about her. Now, I want desperately to be all about no one. Perhaps I will find that peace when I go out with the guys tomorrow.

Who I shall become?
I’ve come home for the holidays. I am going to miss all of the friends I have made in the past few months. When I came home I couldn’t help but realize how different I have become. The most striking difference in me is of course the fact that, I am single. I went into my room and memories flooded back into me. Everywhere I looked was something she gave me, something that is hers or a picture of her. It is for that reason I am redoing my room. I want my room to feel more like I am at college. I have been away from college and already I miss it. It is the worse because for the next few hours I am trapped between two lives. In one life I am just one of the guys, hanging out with all my single friends from high school. In that life I can drown out the pain I feel inside through constant action. I never have to think, as I am this person. And then there’s the other person. The college me. I would love to think that as this person I don’t feel pain either. But as this person is new and fresh, I have not built up the scar tissue and the calluses to ignore the pain. I am a growing individual. I hope someday to grow to a point where I don’t have to ignore the pain, because I am in control of it. That is why I am so cold now. I am losing all momentum I have gained. I feel that I to shall stop growing soon. I need some help to grow. I need someone to make me want to be something. I need someone. I need… her.

It was going so well,
But then she changed her song
I’ve been a different man
Since she came along

I keep telling myself
This wont work
Cuz whenever I’m near her,
I act like a dork

A few months ago
She didn’t know my name
But now that she does
I’ll never be that same

I’ve got to be cool
It’ll be the hardest thing I do
Cuz I can’t bear the thought
Of screwing this up, too.

(end rhyme) Sorry about that but I started rhyming and just couldn’t stop. I was doing great. I didn’t have a girlfriend and I was happy. Now I like a girl and I think she likes me, but I don’t know if she likes me like I like her. Either way, I’ve been knocked off my horse. I don’t know if I can get up anymore.

Sometimes I feel like a total jerk. I confronted my roommate about everything that has ever bothered me about him. Now he’s suicidal. Is this what I wanted? What have I wrought?

Sometimes, I even surprise myself, on how much of a loser I am. I had a dream last night. I almost kissed a girl I like. Almost. What is wrong with me? My subconscious cannot rationalize me kissing her in a world that makes sense. So I can’t. However everyone else my age is dreaming about Three-sums with Carmen Electra and Britney Spears. I’ve never had a dream like that. I don’t remember having a dream where I even have sex. Why must my nightmare life carry into my dreams?