Sometimes I want to fucking kill someone. My fucking roommate and his fucking friend fucking locked me out of my fucking room. Sure I was gonna hit his fucking friend with a fucking snowball, but he fucking flipped me off. FUCK YOU TO BRIAN! I don’t think that I am fucking appreciated enough, I mean I put up with so much fucking shit from him and his fucking girlfriend. They’re always here. She always is spending the fucking night. Fuck her. If those to wanna fuck they should do it some other fucking place. Or at least when I am not the fuck in the room trying to fucking sleep. Not that I don’t mind 'em doing it when I am not around. I can’t count the times I’ve come home and there has been a sock on the door. Or even fucking worse. They leave the chain on like it’s the same fucking thing. That means I can open the door 4 inches. 4 inches of hearing her moan his fucking name while secretly thinking of some other poor fuck. FUCK THEM! I am not fucking appreciated! Most of the shit in this room is my shit anyways. If I have to put a password on my computer and lock my fridge and microwave somehow I will, Fuck him. He eats all my food. He plays on my stereo and computer all night keeping me the fuck up. Then when I have friend over till 12:30 he gives me shit. FUCK YOU PHIL! Let me know the next time you wanna watch one of my movies on my fucking VCR. I’ll jam the tape up you fucking ass. It’s all I can do from killing the motherfucker. On a personal note, I normally try to keep the swearing to a minimum, but I’m Fucking pissed. Sorry about saying fuck thirty-two fucking times. Thirty-three.

I don’t know what has changed. Something has but I can’t quite put my finger on it. Einstein said that any point of reference could be thought of as stationary (anyone which is not accelerating that is). But if I were to remain stuck in my point of view that must mean the world turned itself over to my direction in the past 48 hours. Not that things are going my way all the time, it is just that I can stand them this way, in fact I rather enjoy it. A few days ago I might have been depressed in my situation now. I don’t have a girl to call my own, and all the girls I would strive to achieve are spoken for. Nonetheless, I am happy. Once again I feel like it will be all right. God-speed.

“Why won’t God give me what I ask?
Why won’t He answer my prayer?
If only he would go ahead and kill me!
If I knew he would, I would leap for joy,
no matter how great my pain.
I know that God is holy;
I have never opposed what he commands.
What strength do I have to keep on living?
Why go on living when I have no hope?
Am I made of stone? Is my body bronze?
I have no strength left to save myself;
There is nowhere I can turn for help.”
Job 6:8-13

I have to learn not to care so much anymore. Life is much to short to try to get every fucking person I meet to love me. I don’t fucking care anymore. I got myself and that’s the only thing you can’t take away from me. Fuck you all.

I don’t know what to think anymore. It’s been so long since I have felt loved. Recently on great days people may appreciate me. Sometimes I am startled with how little I matter. I’m still emotional property of my ex-girlfriend, and for that matter any girl. But with my ex- I change myself for her even when she’s not around. She’s out of my life now but she is still ruling me. A few weeks after we broke up, I wasn’t willing to move on, I passed up opportunities with women, hoping we could get back together. But we couldn’t but we still can’t. I gave her a part of me. A part I may never get back. I wanna move on, but I can’t for some reason. The strange thing is this is the best day I’ve had in a long time. I’ve reached acceptance in my troubles. I don’t think it will ever be this bad again.

Sorry it's been a while. But there's been nothing to report other then my demons have left me. I don't know what my purpose in life is but when I am faced with it I'm sure I can handle in with a little help.

Thing have been crazy recently. First off I took a really hard math test but I’ll have to tell my parents about it in an e-mail later and I don’t want to have to repeat myself.
On a completely different subject, I started wearing a sign around my neck saying “Hey baby, I’m single” and it has my phone number on it. The sign wasn’t really intended to have people call me, which no one has, it was more about my mind set. With the sign on, I was forced out of my comfort zone, and once outside that I function like the Micheal Kup of yore. I approached girls. Girls approached me. There is no pressure. These girls were just “some girls”, and that felt great. It has been a while since I haven’t thought of all females as potential wives. It felt good with the pressure off. That is exactly what my life has been missing. Ever since “she” left I have been looking for someone to fill the hole. Now I am finally able to fill the hole myself. My happiness now is in my own hands. This is a very good feeling.

If left to my own devices I would go insane. In thoughts I frequently get traped in downward spirals of self loathing, e.g. I am a loser because I don't socialize, and I don't socialize for fear of being identified a loser. I miss the good old days where I actually had someone who I could talk to. I can't anymore because what quasi friends I have made in college I haven't known long enough. If I were to open up to someone this soon, they would think of me as insane. Don't get me wrong, I have nothing against the mentally disterbed, I practically am one. It's just that I would much rather have insane be the third or fourt adjective they use to describe me.
High school was so much different than it is now. Then I got along with everyone. I have a very diverse personality and certain aspects were exentuated to make me "fit in better" with any given click. I was a Jock, Nerd, Band Geek, Bully, and a Bully Magnet. Now it feels like what made me so popular in high school will make me lonely in college. I am to "goody-goody" for the bad kids and I'm to bad for the good kids. I tried to change myself to fitt in better with one group and It never works. When I got to college I seriously drank for the first time, I have drank before but I never got drunk. I still haven't. I can't. I just can't for fear I will lose control, lose control and become something I don't wanna be. Not necessary an alcoholic, but lets just say I do stupid stuff sober, and if I honestly get drunk I would probably get kicked out of school for some terrible crime like stealing a car. That or I would kill myself, and not necesarily by accident.
As a consequince I have given up several vices to try to fit in better with the goody goodies. This doesn't really work because at heart it just doesn't feel right. I try so hard to be nice all the time, but over a while things build up. I've repressed so much that I feel I might snap. I never had this problem before. In the high school not only was I not trying to repress my anger. Even if I had some anger I just took it out on the wrestling mat. I have no out anymore. Recently I got so mad at something that shouldn't matter that I puched the hallway wall. My pinky nuckle still hurts even though it was over 2 weeks ago. At least in a few weeks durring winter break I can go back and wrestle with the high schoolers, that should make me feel better. I need to find a healthier way of expressing emotion.
I've tried to change myself so many times, I'v forgoten how to be me, and it's tearing me up inside.

"Every night I hope and pray a dream lover will come my way
A girl to hold in my arms and know the magic of her charms
'cause I want (yeah-yeah yeah) a girl (yeah-yeah yeah) to call (yeah-yeah yeah) my
own (yeah-yeah)
I want a dream lover so I don't have to dream alone"

Sometimes I feel so alone in this world. Sometimes I question whether the person intended for me really exists. At this point I would settle for anyone intended for some boy remotely like me. What am I kidding, I would settle for anyone who made me feel like I was worth more than a pile of shit. And recently even that is a little negotiable.