The more things change, the more they stay the same. I'm not sure who the first person was who said that. Probably Shakespeare. Or maybe Sting. But at the moment, it's the sentence that best explains my tragic flaw: my inability to change.
I don't think I'm alone in this. The more I get to know other people, the more I realize it's kind of everyone's flaw. Staying exactly the same for as long as possible, standing perfectly still... It feels safer somehow. And if you are suffering, at least the pain is familiar. Because if you took that leap of faith, went outside the box, did something unexpected... Who knows what other pain might be out there, waiting for you. Chances are it could be even worse.

So you maintain the status quo. Choose the road already traveled and it doesn't seem that bad. Not as far as flaws go. You're not a drug addict. You're not killing anyone... Except maybe yourself a little....




I did not write this, i plagarized it...wait i dont even know if i did that....it is called fatal flaw by Ephram brown...


ANYWAY. I really am glad that michelle reminded me of it beacuse it is my life right now. My life sucks BAD but i am afraid to take the leap that could fix it.


Here are my top fives right now:

Top five suckiest things:
1. My Aunt PAula has Breast Cancer
2. My grandpa is not getting better
3. I have no money, my car is in the shop and kohls is screwing me on hours
4. I have become a hermit, and get lonely sometimes
5. I am still no bucking up when it comes to school


BEst things:
1. my mom and I are doing well, in fact she is coming here this weekend
2. I am going to Prague in July
3. Although i have lost a lot of people I have some that are coming back into my life
4. Once I sell mi abuela's house i will have some money
5. I am writing and reading again

Last weekend I hung out with some freshmen....I felt lame sort of, but i had a lot of fun. I have a friend from Highschool whose little brother lives in Valley 1 and when I had the day from hell last Friday he was the only one in Kalamazoo that i could get a hold of, so i went and hung out with him and his freinds. He was very nice and watched out for me to some extent ( cuz i was belige) so i met some cool people and forgot about my problems for a night. It was the first real fun i had had in a while.

This weekend my mom is coming anf staying with me for 3 days. I am excited becuase we have been doing really well lately and i need to go grocery shopping and some other boring things and I have no car right now.

My car has been in the shop since last friday because it was fucked up bad. I have no money so my grandarents are going to pay for it ( with takes a load off) but ireally need moolah and kohls is scheduling me like NO hours a week. I am thinking about getting another job, but I really do like it there....conundrum.

I have been reading and writng a lot again, I guess i go in cycles, but the thing is everytime i begin again I do it very differently...here is a sample of something i wrote recently:

Black water meets red sky
Such is the way to find yourself
A journey with an architecture
Never known to you before
The burning sun'd extasy dies
When the lapping water quietly
Chills, momentarily, then
Continues
Turn around from your past
Confuse your empty shell with your
Empty future
Let your reliances of the outset
Become new possibilities
Never sought
Such is the way to find yourself
Death in a deepness with no
Chaos, only clarity


See, random....here is another:


valorize not, these words that run
through my teeth like a sieve.
if anything, language only bastardizes
the emothions my heart makes
tearing open wide wounds of yesteryear
letting the blood pool round slowly
soon forgotten.
do not give me a medal for my pains
for though they are many they
are not singularly felt
or inflicted.
many suffer tragedies greater; many use
more eloquent words
there is nothing more perverse than hubris
I will not let my wounds bleed out.


I think i have written a long enough entry for tonight.

I miss you.

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