Normally i wouldnt write a blog entry while im not near an internet connection and post it later but i just feel out of it right now... hell... somthing is seriously wrong with me... i just did somthing i swore i would never do again... somthing that used to scare the ever living shit out of me... somthing that i couldnt say no too before and all of a sudden cant again... no one told me to do it, no one talked me into it, i just couldnt talk myself out of it... i cut again... just a few nicks, enough to let the blood drip on some pictures... and it made me feel better... somthing that comes rarely now... but now im scared. Liz came by today, i kissed her, a few times. i kissed her like nothing was wrong, and it almost made me feel like nothing was wrong. she said she is moving out in less than a month and it made me think... right now i should be saving up to go with her, but instead im behind on my rent and sitting on my floor listening to incubus looking at bloody pictures of me and her. what the fuck happened to me and what should i do to fix it? why am i acting like this? ugh... i just feel like complete shit... i kinda met a girl i spent some time over the past couple days with who was helping me forget and who was filling the void... i said somthing about her the other day when kelsey asked me if i liked her and ray said it was the best compliment i could ever give her, all i said was (and its going to sound mean unless you could understand what ive been thru durring mine and liz's relationship) "shes a huge downgrade from liz in looks, personality, and education... i think shes exactly what i need right now" but aparently she isnt making me happy either, look at where im at right now... im more pathetic than ive been in years. im acting like a middle schooler and i can see myself acting in this horrible way but there is nothing i can do about it. i told liz i thought i was going to regret kissing her in 10 minutes and honestly i dont. i feel bad because i dont know if im leading her on or not, i dont know if we will ever get back together or not. right now id rather not think about it. i need to get fucked up, but im broke, and they dont make the kind of drugs i need. well... maybe arsnic... wait, sam will be home soon... maybe i can convince her to get some starter fluid... i really think the only thing that can help right now is ether... and way too much of it.

oh comely...