catching signals that sound in the dark.

catching signals that sound in the dark.

:: 2006 6 December :: 10.28pm

everything that has happened in the past week or so has felt hazy, almost druglike.
not in the good way. in the sense that things move either really fast or really slow.
i can't tell the difference between reality and dreams.
i didn't sleep for 4 nights in a row.
and now i've been sleeping for entire days at a time.
i don't want to die. it's just that i don't like waking up.

i'm sick. both mentally and physically. i threw up blood yesterday.
i'd like to think it's just nerves but i've been feeling light-headed and dizzy today.
something is wrong. but i want to wait it out and just shake it off.

people think it's just because of the break up.
it's not. sure i miss him. but i wasn't going to spend the rest of my life with him, and i realize this.
i just let myself fall too far.
i'm not sure if i should try moving on. he called me and said he wanted it to just be a break and that he was really sorry.
it's confusing. he's confusing.
he kissed me yesterday. we didn't mean for it to happen.
but i can tell stuff like that is going to happen.
i can tell he still loves me.
because we just looked at eachother and got caught up in it.
i don't know why he's doing this.

i need to take a walk.
or do something to clear my mind.

oh comely...

loserxdork

:: 2006 5 December :: 11.42pm
:: Mood: frustrated

Sooooooo I've sent countless emails to many people for babysitting positions and I'm just waiting on getting replies, I've looked into live in positions as well so that way I could move out of the house, and that would be nice. I'm not getting my hopes up though. All I really need to make is like $250 a week and I should be ok. I put an ad up on craigslist too and hopefully that brings a few responses. I made a channukah list which consists of:

1.a pair of uggs
2.the rent soundtrack
3.panic! at the disco CD (which my moms ex boyfriend broke)
4.the movie patch adams
5.the movie jack
6.the movie click
7.giftcards to stores
8.a juicy tracksuit, or just the hoodies

and I haven't really though of much else yet.

So, I'm waiting on my capital one card to see if I get accepted and I applied for a bloomingdales card so I can get 10% off when I shop. I feel bad cause I told my sisters that I would get them uggs for channukah and if I don't get a job before then I definitely wont be able to afford them but whatever, it isn't my fault, my dad had to fire me righ before the holidays.

You wanna hear something really fucked up? The day my dad fired me, like, before we got to work, he let me buy him breakfast. HOW FUCKED UP IS THAT? Whatever.

My mom wants me to see a psychiatrist and I should go but I don't know, I guess I will, whatever.

That is all for now, kinda tired so I'm gonna get off the computer soon.

oh comely...

xsilentxsuicidex

:: 2006 1 December :: 11.45pm

i'm heartbroken. newly single.
and in love with "just a friend."

3 carrot flowers | oh comely...

xsilentxsuicidex

:: 2006 30 November :: 7.06pm

things are slipping away from me.

oh comely...

xsilentxsuicidex

:: 2006 17 November :: 2.06pm

i can't do it.

1 carrot flower | oh comely...