giddy has been my mood for a while
I've pretty much got everything that I've wanted for so long. I've found the most perfect guy to ever possibly come into my life. He levels me out. He loves me. I read my old journal entries, one was about how i just wanted a sunflower, to wake up in someone's arms, and waking up to acoustic guitar. I have a sunflower can never die, a giant paper flower. I wake up in his arms every day and we cant deal with sleeping without eachother. He plays me acoustic guitar, and knows that it will make me feel better when im sick. He got me everything I need for a cat, for christmas and got a free one. He is perfect. Im watching my cat play with the bunny while i write this. Its so cute, they want to not have the cage between them. I can cry in front of him, and he wont let me push him away. Because he loves me, and he knows that i love him too much to let him walk out of my life.

Everything has happened soo fast. We started sleeping in the same bed everyday like a week after meeting. And I dont know what i will do if he leaves me. That scared me like crazy, to know that somebody could have such control over my emotions, so quickly. I want him to be happy all the time because just being with him makes me ecstatic. Giddy. In Love. I Love him so much. And i don't care if that sounds redundant because I'll say it as many times as I want, and it still will not be enough times.





~*stagnancy for never*~

nature's gift lulls me to sleep.
i was thinking about things that would make me really happy and i came up with this.
1. a potted (or even cut) sunflower.
2. waking up to acoustic guitar.
3. wake up in someones arms.
4. (not even big request) making out (see meaningless not a big request) hehehehe...

no really something between 1-3 would rock.

my english paper
i wrote my english paper about the ride to boston i thought i would share it..

Everyday as human beings we question our actions and the effect that our actions have on our surroundings. Most wonder whether what we have done throughout our day, week, or even life is right or wrong. The answer for many of these questions depends on our ethical and/or religious beliefs. Other concerns deal with conformity, greed, and the fight between what is important to the individual. Depending on ones ideas of conformity at the end of a day one may worry as to whether they have or have not conformed to society. People naturally desire to gain for themselves for the duration of their’ lives, Darwin taught us about “survival of the fittest”, the instinct that drives us to gain for ourselves. The worry of this sets in when one questions if what they must do to gain is coming before what they feel is ethically correct.
On my first trip to Boston for the fall 2004 semester I began to question my own actions, which accompanied thoughts dealing with what my own ideas of right and wrong are. I had decided to take the train by myself from Worcester for the fist time. My questions were raised when I began making decisions on how to treat a man who approached me while waiting for the train.
While I was standing on the platform a man was walking by asking every person for a lighter. The man was not easy on the eyes, having a beat down appearance. He wore a white t-shirt with a pair of sweatpants, a sweatshirt tied around his waist, and a hat on his head. To further subtract from what society has told us is appropriate appearance he wore his hair long and disheveled. Based solely on the appearance of the man my guard went up and I was not feeling completely comfortable. To my back right a male of my own age was standing watching this whole situation unfold. This boy provided for a feeling of comfort and safety as I talked to the man asking for a lighter. This comfort, as with the uncomfortable feelings were solely contributed to by the second mans appearance. He had a clean hair cut, and wore nice clothes including a polo shirt. He had not shown any reason for making me feel comfortable other than his way of dress and clean appearance.
The man whose cigarette I lit began to make conversation with me, asking questions such as where I was going, where I was from, and what I was doing with my life. I gave feed back because I since childhood I was taught not to be rude. The initial conflict in ones mind deals with whether to listen to the rule everyone learns about not talking to strangers, or the other rule, to be kind. As the conversation continued, I began to learn information about him that he was freely speaking about. He was making conversation about the importance of having a degree from college, this led him to telling me about how his degree is worthless because he went to jail for embezzlement. The conversation began to end and he suddenly needed a pen, my first thought was, “this creepy guy is going to try and ask for my number or give me his, no way I am giving him a pen”. He then asked others close by for a pen and all responded saying that they did not have one. This made me feel relieved, but at the same time bad for having negative thoughts about a man who was nothing but kind to me. I felt all the more worse when the man in front of me asked the man I had been talking to for a cigarette in exchange for money, the man just gave him the cigarette denying the offer of the money.
On the train the man who made me uncomfortable did not sit anywhere near me, to my bitter relief. I felt bad for not wanting him to sit next to me, but still felt good that the boy who had made me feel comfortable was sitting in front of me. After taking a short nap on the train I woke up hearing the boy in front of me on his phone. He was distinctly talking about picking up drugs, now while I was not trying to listen to his’ conversation; he was sitting directly in front of me. This still did not make me feel any less comfortable around him; in fact we began to talk and realized we go to the same school, and were going to visit the same school in Boston. I freely gave this boy my number in case he wanted to catch a ride back home with me the next day. We changed trains together then said goodbye at my stop.
The trip to Boston left me wondering about human nature. Questions about my own ideas of right and wrong, comfort and rudeness; and passing judgments on people were raised in my mind. I came to the conclusion that there is no answer to my questions, the grey zone is infinite, and the more I attempt to find an answer the more questions are posed. While each day may not present the same situation the same questions seem to resurface. The only answer, I have found, is to continue asking the questions.







i want to be loved. everyone does.




*stagnancy is my only enemy*

i writing again :) they all suck :(
yay to ridiculously boring classes cause ive had time to start writing again. i really miss that. i suck now. argh why didnt i stick with it? heres a couple things...

She asked, "what do you suppose we do when we run out of resources?" Well i've fucking run out of all but one and im feelign the desperation. have we run out already? holding on to the last threads with a bullet and a tank, we'll take what can getm even if we must pillage. but big brother told us to do it. a herd full of apes running. who can climb the tree the fastest?

..like i said.. not good at all...


This disease has killed so many alread and im doing all i fucking can. (all i fucking can) to protect myself from it. (to protect myself from you). ive listened to all the lectures (each and every one) that they've given on how to protect from it (how to protect myself from you)i've bought each and every thing (every single one) they have told us that we need, (what i need) how to protect myself from it (from you) wearing it like a fucking suit of armor (the helmet is placed on) and you're saying that im a bitch. (well i say you infect) youve never sen me like this (and your confused what to do) well theyve taught me real fucking well (it makes me stonger than you) not used to this? (i could never get used to you) well get used to it. (ive finally made the change) because the only thought i have is of the antithesis of you. (i sill love you)

..well i know my writing isnt good. but eh. at least im starting to do it again.....

.. this kinda of goes with the last one but its really just like randomness....

i'll be your most uninspiring muse. the end to every one of your most touching songs. remember that emptiness you felt when she left you? i'ld lust nothing more than to hurt you a thousand times worse. fuck stomping on your heart i want to make you fall in love. you still wouldnt feel the pain ive felt all these years, but if given the chance i would rip out your heart and devote myself to watching you suffer. yes, i've let you infect me this much.

... ahh boredom in classes. and i suck at tic tac toe.... heres the shittest one of all...

the river was overflowed tonight. she realized her dreams will never come true. there is no balcony for her to sit on and he never plucks his guitar anymore. hes found he perfect match. perfectly plastic. she's happy he's happy. and he's happy hat she seems content. With the music turned up the last breath in brought her fast to her dreams. the long slow breath cleared and so do her problems.




welp yeah those are my writings. last night we turned my bathroom into a bakery.. yeah. insanity.. hehe... i still feel a little lonely at school. but i got to hang out a little yesturday with josh and sean. i like hanging out with sean. cause hes weird and cool. and ya know. i keep wanting to ask other people to hang out.. but im a dork and such.
i picked up zach from the train today cause he is going to florida to help people in the hurricane. i hope everything goes ok. and he gets in and out ok. im not sure what im doing tonight. but if your reading this i would love plans!!! :)




*stagnancy is my only enemy*

i miss too much. fuck these changes.
im nobodies crutch. i cant even be my own. i promise to snap if you lean on me once. i just cant take another mear gram nevermind the pounds you are bound to try and place on me. dont worry i will get through. i always do. its me we are talking about. but dont be fooled im not strong enough for the both of us now. i was before. or at least i thought. not now though. cant you see thats why i let her go? cant you see i will never be what you want me to be? no you cant. nobody can. its ok though. ill be your crutch. dont fret im always here to lean on. your tears can roll down my clavicle. because the smoke has dried my eyes. im ok now. right? im ok until you lean. your name came up on the caller ID and i was the crutch you needed. im sorry i was distracted. but you are the biggest distraction of all. the mask was torn off and she saw it in my eyes the second i opened the phone. you break me. you break the rock that is so solid to every other tide.





ugh. why is he the one person who can really do this to me? why has he been able to do it to me for so long? im so fucking sick of this. but im so sick of not seeing him too. i miss him. i miss being around him. i miss the summer before 10th grade. how sad is that? how fucking pathetic am i that i still take his shit after all these years? the fucking looser who would pick up his mess if it was her own face from his fucking shoe. but i would. and whether just as a friend. i dont think i will ever stop loving you...



p.s. im lonely. i havent really made friends like to hang out with at school. ugh. i really miss everyone. i just wish i was back with everyone or meeting new people. i just feel deserted right now. i want my fucking best friend. i need a crutch right now.




*stagnancy is my only enemy*

i dunno today was over all pretty good i guess. but like so many othertimes i am completely over thinking and over caring about too much. i want to be needed again. im sick of just being one of the guys. dont get me wrong i love it. and everything. but the obvious "hey look im a girl" feelings show up sometimes. i dunno. we went to the salvation army after i got out of work today. me. danni. adam. and nikki. i love them. i got two t-shirts. a tank top. a blanket. and a couch. im pumped. i went and really looked at my room today. its P-I-M-P.

it's rained so much here that the rivers are about to overflow. the townsmen have placed the sandbags in possition many times. the girl watching the storm cant help to wonder which will be the final drop to make the protection not work. feels it in the air. this cloud breaks the barrier.



*stagnancy*

IM IN COLLEGE!
im bleeding between my legs.
gross.
i feel like complete butt.
im in college.
i met cool people.
im excited.
they are like all edge or close to.
but deffinately cool.
its scary to know how young people are doing really dumb shit.
really scary.
im not in a writing mood cause i feel like hell.
sleeptime.
o. ps.
im moving out this weekend.
anyone have a couch they want to give away?





*stagnancy is my only enemy*

WHAT THE FUCK?
its amazing how quickly things can change. how all of a sudden you want to run back and just have it all be the same again. ITS THE FUCKING COMFORT that i NEED. i've always said that stagnancy is not my thing. i never thought change would freak me out so bad. i've had all summer to get used to this but just always said "i dont care" .. well suprise the tough girl lied to herself. she cares. i cant believe that group of people got me feeling sentemental. but they were a constant that will no longer be. i dont even have a fucking constant house to come back to. im becoming scared. this is me throwing myself out there. IM SCARED! im having anxiety attacks. and feel like im going to cry. but it will all be good. right? its all for the best. right? i've walked away from so many things before this will be nothing. right? WHAT THE FUCK AM I GOING TO DO without ian and luke? i feel shakie. im so happy i went last night. breathe in out in out in out. in through the nose out the mouth. and ive got it. im calmed down. and everything is OK. now put on the smile. dont worry the world is believing your every line now.







sometimes i wish i had my "other half" to help me through this.





"its the lack of comfort I cant stand"





*did i lie about my enemy?*

moving out at 17
another probably too long of a night/day. i keep getting anxiety attacks and am smoking alot to avoid them. but it works right? i found out today that i am moving out on like October 1st. my parents prob wont be out by then but i am moving out. my brother is loosing two roomates so i am going to move in there. because they arent having a place for me to live my parents are going to help out and pay my rent. it should be interesting. living on my own. it sounds so weird. i wouldnt have thought it was going to come so soon. so sudden. its crazy ive lived in this house for 12 years. for basically as long as i can remember. i mean i remember vague stuff about the places before. but this has been home. its crazy. but hey this means i can invite guys over to "my place" hehe. yeah that makes the guys easy haha. i am really excited because this is going to give me and my brother a chance to really get to know eachother. cause we dont now. this is making me not care so much about going to worcester state. i might even stay for a few semesters. we will just have to see where the wind takes me.




*stagnancy is my only enemy*

stuff and thangs
today is friday.
my parents bought a house in the cape yesturday.
they just need to sell ours now.
anyone looking for a house?
wednesday me and leah did like everything.
we kept realizing just how much we did and kept thinking it was nuts.
it was awesome.
next week we are going on an adventure to a butterfly place.
i lust our adventures.
the red cross needs to recognize just WHO me and leah are.
TYPE O bitches.
but we were both regected from giving blood.
me, too much caffine.
her, too low iron.
lame.
yesturday was warped tour.
what a long ass day.
my body hurts now.
i left the house at 6 am.
returned at 10 pm.
tonight is the NoTrigger, oxford, show.
EVERYONE and their moms should go.
yeah.
eh off for now.
ps my chemical romance cd = wickd good.