best friends means.... well best friends means..
i want my best friend to care about me over the attention of a guy. i want to not be naive enough to walk on eggshells for somebody who doesnt care to walk on you. i want to never get soo lost in myself that i dont even see my best friend anymore. i dont want to put me first and only me because other people DO matter. i want to go back to when boys were yucky and your best friend would push a bully to get the best crayon for you. i want to sit on the edge of the ocean were the tide breaks all day. i want to never loose sight that i can recapture my youth if only i let myself be youthful. i want chics to come before dicks. i want my best friend to know that it kills me knowing she wouldnt be careful with my emotions. i want my best friend to not even consider getting mad at me when she fucks up especially when not knowing the whole story. i want my best friend to get out of being "lost in herself" to remember who kept bringing her back to herself when she was "lost" in someone else. i want my best friend to act like it. i want to tell you how ironic it is that you say i am reckless with other peoples possessions, when you are reckless with their emotions. i want to tell you that you are still my best friend and that not much can change that. i want you to know that i criied yesturday. i want you to know that it was more than once. i want you to know that a best friends actions break a heart 1 000 000 times more and harder than any guy could wish to do. i want you to know that i dont trust you anymore. i want you to not get pissed if i dont believe everything anymore. i want you to know that you are helping me become less naive. i want you to not let my lack of trust change anything because eventually i will probably trust you again. i want you to not hold anything back because of how i reacted this time because you know that deception and lies kill me and piss me off. i want to stop feeling like shit. i want best friends to mean best friends forever.




*stagnancy is my only enemy*

i smoke to forget
hehehe... i lust smoking.

so what have i done since saturday? well sunday i went to angelina's grad. party then left early to visit my two best friends while they worked at honey dew. i gave myself like an hour so that we could have our ritiual of girl talk and free coffee. well now soch works there so the free coffee thing is just me. but instead it was one of the most obnoxious situations ever and i felt like we were 13, ya know where you whisper to only one girl and laugh. but i wasnt going to ruin the mood so i left all my spit balls there. ya so it wasnt close to the verge of fun. actually i was thinking about the telephone polls as i drove to work early. but i got there early enough to borrow a dollar from keith and go get a coffee at Dunkin Donuts cause i was about to die of tiredness and had a dollar. i lust keith. i remember when we were happy not acting typical. oh and i remember getting over shit. but hey. i remember. so me and leah decided to go back to norm. because well thats how we all always are. but im pretty sure soch didnt. or maybe its something new... haha... ah well. so i worked sunday. then ian called me upset. so i let him pick me up, smoke me up, and feed me haha... yeah i have amazing ways of cheering my friends up. hehe... but he was happy so thats what matters. then yesturday i worked 12-3. then again 6-close. i picked up some good pictures. then i got pot. picked up zack and mike and smoked a blunt out at the docks. yeah we had a big conversation about smoke coming out of different parts of your body. it started with eyes and ended with farting. oh and i learned more about exact hitting and rubbing of balls and how it hurts that i ever needed to know. ah and walking on the dock is nuts. then i went to phil's haha funny thing i burped up a CLOUD of smoke.. yeah i believe that was because i decided to swallow a ton when we were having the convo about farting it out. haha. and best thing that i said all night.... as im sitting on a leather couch and pat is talking about how expensive they are.. im like IMAGINE eating a steak sitting on this couch. that would be soo nuts......then me pat and carrie all smoked out of joan that hot bitch. i learned more about her!!! aparently you are supposed to cap it... and then no smoke gets out.... yep i was amazed. well it was a relatively early night. and now i up here with the worst cramps i have had in the longest time... oh birth control is my god. im pissed i fucked up this month. well im gonna go curl into a ball and die...



*stagnancy is my only enemy*

well....
so i am officially a graduate of Oxford High School. yeah its nuts. and doesnt seem real at all. i cried during the 4 student speeches. then our song was "i'll be in your heart" i dont think it was appropriate and it stopped my tears REAL quick. then i went to michelle's for her party. then we had operation graduation. that was really really fun.... i still cant believe its the last thing we will ever do together. ah well. i guess the really upsetting thing is not the close friends. cause we will see and talk to them. but the acquaintences. the people who only come in once and leave once. the people who maybe you had one or a couple of good conversations with and said hello to in the halls. its really nuts to think that i wont be seeing THOSE people. but of course there wil be new ones. I put "everything's ok in the end , if its not ok its not the end" in all the yearbooks i signed. i think i was trying to convince myself.. hehe. no i know it will all be fine but for some reason ive been having anxiety over it. ah well. cant change anything. and at teh end of them all i wrote "stagnancy is THE enemy".. when i got to bed it was after 6 30 cause we didnt get home until 6. then i got up at 8 30. went to annaly's grad. and party. showered and stuff. went to heather's party. and went to the TREOS show. remember when we said hopefully... hehehe..... well yeah. it applies. along with the Mone'..... .o ya know how it flows. oh what a ride this chapter has been. so now im home alone in my house. usually someone stays here with me or i dont stay at home... im all scared. ah. yeah. i dunno why. i feel like a little kid when i would watch are you afraid of the dark when my parents werent home and not be able to get off their bed because i was too scared of the stories. now the stories that scare us are the realities that the news presents. i dont want to think. but we know thats inevitable. hopefully i dont continue to think about that stuff.

well i dunno. im kinda thinking about other things too. i dont know what i want. or if i want to know what i want. or if it matters either way. i want to know all the answers. actually just one. give me one answer and i would be satiated. just one. or even a point in the direction that i should be going. ah well. i love my life. and i will take what comes.





*stagnancy is my only enemy*

i lust summer. and all that it brings.
hmm what have i been up to? well tues we got breakfast and had our first rehearsal. it was OK. and then i went with the boys to watch them play volleyball. a guy from the newspaper came down and took pictures. funny thing is that i was just laying down and they have my picture in the paper hehehe... umm i went to sochias to cheer her up and we drove around. hum.... then wed. we went on our senior class trip. that was fun. then me and soch went to the party at honey dew. almost got ditched. kinda hung out with two kids. smoked. dropped soch off. went with ian and matt on a bowl ride. came home. passed out. today. i had grad rehearsal. an interview at bjs. and one at TJMaxx. (im working there). then senior banquet but we just ate dinner and left cause we went to Dei's graduation. we got our yearbooks and prom photos and i got a sketchbook from Mrs. Briody. i lust her. then i went over lukes, paul was there. sean and dom stopped by. me luke and paul came here and played bumper pool. and its now. tonight i had alot of fun. i was happy. lukes obv. the man. and paul is wickd goofy. (good way although i hate him)

tomor i graduate. it doesnt feel real. then we have operation graduation after. in between is michelle's grad party. it should be a busy day. i should be sleeping. but eh. ya know. this weekend is going to be nuts. i have soo much stuff going on. im sure we will find ways to mellow out........ mmhmmmm...... well i dont feel like typing so im gonna end this.. with "i just want to find a hardcore boy. have him fall heels over head. break his heart. and be the reason he turns emo."- me

*stagnancy is my only enemy*

i smoke to forget. i drink to make memories
ahhh so tomor is my first graduation rehearsal.. that should be a blast. ya know in that whole. it wont be kind of way. they are making us breakfast. im making adam bring me. so yesturday we smoked and watched donnie darko and yes my predictions were right. it was fucking nuts. then we just lounged around and soch and leah went to bed so i went to keiths house. got a little drunk hung out cleaned and went to bed. nobody got naked... YAY! then today was fun/random. i came home. paid my neighbor to mow my lawn. went driving around with this kid. got sorbet. which means that summer has officially started. met up with these other kids. got smoked up. drove around some more. im cursed to never go to spider gates. because i tried again today twice. one time we were on the wrong road and the second time a cop stoped by as we were getting out of the car. lame. so then i got dropped off. picked up soch. went to keiths drank beers with the boys. a couple stupid ass chics were there. annoying. got smoked up again. (i lust free pot) went to dei's work. went back to keiths. watched kenny die after drinking 21 oz. of vodka in like 10 min. and now im home. o and keith got naked and went swimming tonight. i wasnt there at that point. which is another symbol of the start of summer. lol. o damn. i love those boys sometimes.

now im real tired after a loooong weekend. so sleep shall overcome me shortly.







*stagnancy is my only enemy*

i smoke to forget. i drink to make memories
k so im real tired. cause of the whole replacing sleep with alcohol thing. just got outta work and have to stack wood. then getting high and watching donnie darko. then? well .... not sure. lets get drunk. lol im full of new ideas. last night we (me and soch who else) went to a party in webster at this girl meg snay's house (prob spelt wrong). katie left like right after we got there.. so that part kind of sucked. some slut was there and didnt say shit to me. or do anything. even after soch flipped on her to fight me lol. ps soch wasnt drunk and i was. mattd and me bonded. cause well he was trashed. the girl meg whose house it was at is awesome. i love hanging out with those people. there were some cool guys. umm cant spell swalvek... and his friend. ummm i got my belt back :) i was kind of immature about that situation. so i decided in the future i will just pretend like last week didnt even happen. cause ya know that makes stuff alot easier. and i really dont care anymore. just pretend like i never met him. umm watched shrek a couple times. cleaned a house. got a real bad charlie horse in the middle of the night that woke me up while i was crying lol. oh and before we went to meg's house we saw TREOS... o soo good. really the best out of all the times that I've seen them.... we actually talked to them this time. they were cool. so yeah. thats my life. oh and i now spell my name megH. cause its hott that way.. complements to soch.


i lust my friends...........

pr1tte pr1n655: yeaaaa i got a little crush on myself after that
R0CK my WURLD: the isolation becomes comforting and drugs can fix anything these days. the high makes my veins tingle, and i'm tying up lose ends. keep my heart. i'm better off without it. take the memories too."
R0CK my WURLD: i lust that part
pr1tte pr1n655: aaaaaaaw
pr1tte pr1n655: hahah
R0CK my WURLD: ive decided to become heartless realy
pr1tte pr1n655: yeah
R0CK my WURLD: all i will ever feel is lust
pr1tte pr1n655: join the club
pr1tte pr1n655: thats all i feel i think
R0CK my WURLD: because then its only physical
R0CK my WURLD: i think its because we grew up too fast.
pr1tte pr1n655: yeah, it is
pr1tte pr1n655: and it sucks
R0CK my WURLD: we expect love too soon. or truth to soon
R0CK my WURLD: we are ready to put down make believe too early
R0CK my WURLD: and cant handle reality
pr1tte pr1n655: fuck reality
pr1tte pr1n655: it should be called fakelity
R0CK my WURLD: or maybe its because we are surrounded by people who are still play make believe. but thinking its reality. so it fucks with us. we are stuck... thinking we are in one thing when we are in the other
pr1tte pr1n655: oh, i know im in the other
pr1tte pr1n655: i just want them to hurry up and grow up
R0CK my WURLD: but some will always be playing...
R0CK my WURLD: and it ALL comes down to the truth
pr1tte pr1n655: yeah, sucks for them

pr1tte pr1n655: emm so are you going to the show tonight?
R0CK my WURLD: when it is faced. and told.. reality occurs.
R0CK my WURLD: no
R0CK my WURLD: im haning out with you guys
R0CK my WURLD: im ready for deep thoughts while flying high
pr1tte pr1n655: perfect



*stagnancy is my only enemy*

i smoke to forget. i drink to make memories
last night was prom.. very fun. i went nuts on the dance floor. i seriously went crazy. i was having such a blast. i made out with ian... hhahahaha... holy shit. .. i took like a thousand glasses. and a pitcher thing. and a candle. (candle broke blah) then we went to keiths after.... haha... INTERESTING was the word me and luke decided fit the night. i saw WAAAAY too much of jose. holy shit. he decided he was gonna jump in the pool because the boys told him the keys were in it. so he got completely naked. yup im scarred. for life. oh and justin smith is wickd fucking funny. i dont even know exactly why. umm sean drank. corey was nuts. i made out with a VERY random boy (besides ian)... haha... oh damn alcohol and pot. hehehe... im sure that there was more. but i kinda am hazy on alot of it. hmmm.... well im gona shower and that fun stuf. cause im gross. then a cookout... yay.. then? who wants to get me drunk tonight. got money need somewhere to go!





*stagnancy is my only enemy*

fuck you all
fuck you wickd fucking hard. yet again i get my hopes up.. yay to crashing down. so i got high to make me happy. and it did. we saw the castle. twice. the fn dragons eyes were light up. yeah wickd cool. umm thought mike might be decent and believed him on stuff. well. yeah. lets just say either he is scum or his family makes a day long thing out of eating dinner. yeah. so we went to the buzzbean for its last night open. me and luke got high. went back to the buzzbean ricky was high. him raianne and fn kim johnson sang/played incubus. then he and kim did jewel i sang along. we also sang along to the piano man. umm ricky's hot. then i came home. and here i am. oh and keith is now going to have the after prom party. sweet eh? yeah it is. stifler's house like whoa! oh and craig called today. to ask if i new any gangster friends cause he has $200 and wants to buy a gun... lol.. yeah boys are wickd cool. hahhahahahhaha... what a joke we make of ourselves. or you of yourself. fucking looser.





*stagnancy is my only enemy*

i smoke to forget. i drink to make memories
dispair can ravage you if you turn your head around and look down the path that's led you here. what can you change? you're a vessel now, floating down the waterways. you can take your rudder and tame your ship, just don't bother with the things left in your wake. your love will be warm nights with pockets of moon light spotlighting you as you drift, the actor in this play. you walk across the stage, take a bow and hear the applause. as the curtain falls, just know you did it all the best that you knew how. you can hear them cheering out. let a smile out, show your teeth 'cause you know you lived it well. - saves the day


i was just thinking about graduation. and yeah. obviously fitting.



my favorite thing i said yesturday to dei.... "this weekend your job is to get a boy so drunk that he wants to take advantage of me.... " cause yeah well. as long as he isnt pretending to care. lol .... oh and sluts are funny too. like real sluts. not my fake sluttiness.. dude i really have no problem with you if your a slut. its your body and such. do what you want. actually i found it really funny. and not to mention i defended you to my best friends who actually didnt like you. i believe my exact words were "eh shes slut but she was funny and cool" oh and by the way your cool "good friend" mike was the one who didnt want me to have you back at my house. and yeah well i invited you cause i had no problem with you.. but hey if you still wanna "kick my ass" have fun trying that. :)

HOPES ALWAYS FAIL
haha ... so again i have learned not to get my hopes up. and not to get happy about anything. because well. IT ALWAYS BREAKS.... EVERYTHING ALWAYS FALLS APART.. any guy that i waste a second of my time on always turns out to hate me or just be scum and it doesnt matter anyways. so fuck you. i dont care if you read this or not. fuck YOU. thanks for my first dose of heroin though. that was hot. im sooo happy i never repaid you..... i guess that just proves that there is good in everything bad that happens. because that was deffinately good. "the only thing you'll get is this taste on your lips i hope they taste of me forever" hehe...

well after realizing that you suck and amanda's "bad vibes" that she received were right i met up with my girlfriend miss mary jane. and her slut friend Joan. drove around with sochia and mYke. then came home to a necklace from my parents.



now = tv. followed by sleep







*stagnancy is my only enemy*
(itmusthaveapenis)

................





all that i want is to be a truck drivers fantasy





today i did alot so far. got up at 7. did lots of laundry. ran. did crunches. cleaned stuff. took a shower. applied a bunch of places. talked to a cop. picked up senior pictures. picked up mums clothes. and am home. then i get to go see come cute boy sing. yay.




*stagnancy is my only enemy*

lame lame lame lame lame
yeah so shit is lame. the trash from the party was thrown on the side of the road. the cops found it and came to my house asking questions. im fucked. oh and thank you to the condom in the bathroom trash. that was also found. um. lets see i have to go talk to a cop tomorrow. that should be fun. i have a "meeting at 3" yay. ummm. if i dont start keeping the house in complete order. having all the laundry done. the lawn taken care of. and paying my bills on time. im out of the house. or in the more acurate words "if i keep leading a laaadidaaaa life i can laaaadidaaaa out of the house". mmm fun. so thats that.



on a lighter note. i got a hot skirt today at salvy's. then i got to see a hot boy. im in like. i really dont get it. ive only known him like 4 days and i already feel comfortable. its not normal for me. im going with it. but im really scared. i dont want to fall this hard and have my legs break. i keep being afraid that he wont like me....... he really seems amazing. i dont want him to see my endless flaws. but i dont know how he wouldnt have already. ah well im gonna stop writing so that if he reads this i dont look like too much of a dork. so yeah...





*stagnancy is my only enemy*

mmmmm heroin is deffinately under rated.
yesturday i worked. 10 30 to 5. then brought my neighbor to worcester to his car. then went to the mall with leah to get some prom stizzuf. i got hott hooker shoes, a garder that has a dangling 2004 and a bow belt thing for the break in my dress. yeah i will be hott. lol. then me leah jeff mike and soch went for ice cream. soch doesnt like mike because? all i have is that he made out with me too much when we were drunk. so yeah sorry for that i guess? hmmm... and i did something wrong too? k.... then he came over until 4 in the morning. i have a crush!!! :) i really hope this doesnt come crashing down. im comfortable. havent felt that in a while. im eating such a good salad my next door neighbor is the woman. i love her. its cool to have an adult as a friend. she is the shit. well yeah im gonna be a tatoo artist.. cause well i make hot ones. but now im going to make sean lunch cause he laid grass seed in my lawn. then to get his suit with him and michelle cause well prom is friday and today is tuesday..






*stagnancy is my only enemy*

:)
im happy.
i hope it doesnt come crashing down.

but on a lame note. people who say they will call if they are going somewhere because you want to go also, and then call to tell you that they are on their way there/ basically there. for what reason i dont know. are lame as of right now. but yes thank you for calling to let me know that you were ditching me. that was nice of you. right now you = lame.



i went to ice cream with danni and adam and then hung out with them at danni's house. with my girlfriend annie. i want a cat. her cat. then i went to dei's house. i love her. we really will be friends forever. i love how we can not talk for a long time and then its like it was yesturday. like a REALLY busy yesturday so we have to talk alot to update eachother. haha. we had girl talk. aww.


i really love my friends soo much. i appreciate every single one of you like you cant imagine. you each offer such different things that make me feel like i could never be lost because i have every kind of map that i need. thank you for being you. you mean the world to me. thank you for your endlessly perfect imperfections. thank you for singing as loud as you can as far from in key as you can. because you can. thank you for dancing like nobody is watching. i take that back thank you for dancing like everyone is watching and you still do what you want. your hott. your my <3. thank you all for being able to make me truely smile. your all the prescription that i never had to pay for. your my prozack that makes me insane. i love you.



*stagnancy is my only enemy*

this weekend..
this weekend was fun. friday a few people ended up coming over. i met a boy. hes cute. i had fun with him. but nothing will probably happen though because that is my life. ah well.. it would be cool if i talked to him again. so the only close to bad thing that happened all weekend was the four random people that showed up at my house and trashed my pool. yeah fuck you jeff moberg. i really cant fucking stand some people. i mean yeah sometimes i like to go to a big huge party. but that wasnt what last night was really supposed to be. i invited people I think are cool. not people i dont know. so minus them and jeff it was cool. not to mention that if something shitty happened to you wouldnt you be cautious it didnt happen to someone else? instead of using the pool as the trash? yeah fuck you hard in the ass. p.s. i hate sketchy people. seriously. umm what were some highlights? well we got thuy drunk for her first time!! YEAH! next move we need her to be a slut. cause well. that would complete the corruption. ummm sarah got REAL drunk and cracked me the fuck up. michelle, curran, and sean were the "fuck you straigh edge crew" for the night. but they got mad when i wanted there picture? ahh well... ian was yelling about fuck having a girl friend whne he was shitty. that was hilarious. keith's the man. hammy was hammy. awww.. i love those two. i was soo happy to hang out with them. and heather and deirdre both came. those four really made me soo happy. high school is over and they were all big parts of that chapter in my life. i celebrated the end of school with a bottle of champagne. hell yeah. otto was the man. lol the pick up lines were the shit. leah danni soch and me all went nuts. a few times. singing on the top of our lungs.. and figuring out what do to with danni's "friendship" aka a poker chip. sochia spazzed wickd funny because someone wasnt paying attention in asshole. haha. umm friday i got excited for a fire and then it was just two of us sitting at it. eewww.. sluts were fucking. yeah people freaking out to find a condom are gross... i thought sluts always had those? yeah they probably ran out. ewwww... umm i found out i am good at two things yay.. that more than none. #1 "ill never teeelllll " and #2 shotgunning beers. yeah with those two talents i will go EVERYWHERE in life. im a pretty good card dealer... i think at least... until i get bored.... so yeah. i dont know what else. cause things get blurry. yeah know. im out. first sunday night that i dont have to go to school in the morning. yeah slut eat that!!!


p.s. expectations only break your heart. and wishes never come true. ill still do both and hope for the best. ill take it as it comes. but please go the way that i want.......




*stagnancy is my only enemy*