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:: 2005 22 September :: 2.29pm

You know, the good thing about today is that I only had one thing to write for class. Because I seem to be very, very, very comma happy. And, in addition, I also seem to be very apostrophe happy as well. I'm using a ton of contractions, which I don't usually do. Instead I prefer to actually write the words out, but I'm not doing that today, for some reason.

upchuck

:: 2005 22 September :: 12.54pm

I really would like to update. Something good. Something solid. But the words escape me right now.

BTW, I am no longer lonely. If you catch my drift. Which you probably won't. Because you all have sick minds.

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Upchuck

:: 2005 20 September :: 3.09pm

So I was sitting in upstairs MAK reading, and then I stopped and was just looking out the window up at the sky. The blue depths and the white whispy clouds darting across it. Some of them even seemed so close that I could have reached out and touched them. BUt then they stopped darting in just one direction. It must have been a cross current or an updraft or something, but the cloud started churning. Understand that this was a fairly transparent cloud, only casting a shadow on it's own in the very center. But it roiled and churned. The bottom becoming the top and the top becoming the bottom. The two parts of the cloud moving in different directions but the whole thing go nowhere at all. It began to spread, thinner and thinner. It seemed to eventually equalize itself vertically in the atmosphere. No longer occupying different vertical levels in the sky, but on singular one. Then it began to fade. Unlike anything I can describe. The whiteness of it was absorbed by the stark blue mass of the sky. Fading, slowly, into nothingness. Disapaited by some unseen force. Continually fading until the extremities of the clouds were gone, the body itself becoming increasingly transparent. And then the body, once large enough and thick enough to shield it's bottom half from the sun, casting it's own shadow, began to fade. Slowly at first, and then at ever increasing speed it disappeared. Until that cloud, a collection of millions of molecules of water, clinging to millions of microscopic pieces of dirt, became as transparent as glass. Revealing the blue sky, illuminated by the presence of the sun, not as deep as before, slightly more pale for the experience.

jedibumblebee

:: 2005 20 September :: 10.29am

well, i guess it wouldn't have worked anyway. but it's still very.... weird. and a little sad.

everything i've held on to is slowly disappearing.

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JediBumblebee

:: 2005 20 September :: 7.09am

not fair....what about me? :(

upchuck

:: 2005 17 September :: 4.39pm

"Ole' Curt was a black man
With white curly hair.
He spent a lifetime
Playin' the Blackman's Blues
And on the day ole Curtis died
That's all he had to do."

"Play me a song Curtis Lowe, yeah Curtis Lowe,
I got your drinkin' money so tune up your dobro,
People say you was useless
But them people ought to know
That Curtis Lowe was the finest picker to ever play the blues."

I really like that song. It goes back a ways I guess. You don't hear it on the radio and it's not one of the biggest songs that Skynyrd ever did, but it's still a good song, with some really good electric slide in it.

Anyway, playin' up in Newaygo tonight. Sportsman's Lounge from 9-11. It's in dowtown Newaygo. Down the hill, but before you cross the bridge on the right hand side. I really wish I had something to do after that. But if I don't, I guess I'll just come home, go to bed and maybe go to church in the morning.

Well, I accepted Nita's offer and now I might have dispensible income. I have seriously been contemplating getting a phone. I envision it being somewhat of a boon to my social life and expanding the possibilities of meeting new people. Of course with work and school I'm not sure how much of a social life I can afford. But that's just the same crazy talk that's kept me where I am.

I haven't taken any cold medicine since the other night. I figured that if I could stay up 22 hours that I really was getting better. I also realized today that I have been posting a ton since August. Kind of weird huh? I guess I'm just back in a "hey, I want people to know what's going on in my life" phase again.

I am also very happy that FX picked up the rights for "That 70's Show." This morning I heard the line that my journal is based on. You know, the one from Red, "if we didn't follow rules we'd all be sitting in trees flinging our crap at each other." I'm really, really, not talking about anything that makes any sense at all.

upchuck

:: 2005 16 September :: 6.31pm

Eating blueberry pancakes at 1am at IHOP. With a computer genious.

Not getting hime until 6am, and still being sober.

Staying up for another 2 hours because I was wired on cold medicine.

Realizing I just spent seven hours talking to someone who I never talked to in high school.

Good times.

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upchuck

:: 2005 15 September :: 9.59pm
:: Mood: snotty

Jurchen
Well we covered the Manchu conquest of China tonight. For some reason the names just sound so elegant to me. Especially when Professor Shan pronounces them with the correct accent. Jurchen, Manchu, Li Zhicheng.

I just thought I'd throw this in there because it's a realization that I've come to over the past few weeks. From about the middle part of June until August I was pretty depressed. I'm not talking like, hang my head low depressed. I'm talking a serious depression. Not suicidal, but severe. Times when I didn't even want to get out of bed, and I didn't. But that time is over now. I wake up and get out of bed and look forward to each new day.

And I just got done talking to Jessa. I didn't get a chance to say good bye because she had to put Clem to sleep. It's kind of weird that I find myself in the position of encouragement. I haven't been there in a long time. Mostly because I haven't felt like I have any standing to provide encouragement. It's definitely beginning to feel like there's more confidence coming in my faith.

Oh, and I was told last night that my entries leave a lot of questions in peoples' minds after their done reading them. Is this true?

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upchuck

:: 2005 12 September :: 8.49pm

So I'm looking to achieve some clarity in life. But I'm going to study and think tonight and forget about everything tomorrow and enjoy myself.

Tomorrow I've got class all day tomorrow and I think I'm going to stick around campus for Young Life. Time to capitalize on all that uncomfortableness (is that even a word) you feel when you meet a bunch of people for the first time.

So I guess I'm just going to have to pray for some clarity. So much stuf going on that I need to "think" about. That seems to have been the theme of the last week.

You know, I'm really beginning to wonder if what happened that night was just a one time thing, or if she really meant that things that she said. I shouldn't have gotten up and left when I woke up at six, but I had to, I guess. Like I was thinking real clearly that whole night. That way I would know how to get in touch with her.

I've got some thinking to do about the band too. We're going to be on TV this weekend. No Cover TV, on public access.

And on top of all that. Bill and Nita were both at work today and they really want me to go back to being a manager. They even said that I can work as little as ten hours a week. It all sounds good, but I'm really afraid that it's going to stop me from what I really want. Not that I know what I really want. I'm just worried that there's going to be a lot of bitching, from one person in particular. Because I'll be able to choose my schedule. Plus, the reason I quit in the first place was that I didn't feel like I was pulling my weight. Which, they all assure me that I was, and I'm convinced that I was, I guess I knew at the time I was, but I was really weighted down with the perception of who I should be at this age.

I don't know. I'll just hope I get some clarity and all this will work out.

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Upchuck

:: 2005 8 September :: 5.37pm

What strikes me completely odd is that people have no recognition for what is truly beautiful. If we all just stopped a few times a day and recognized the beauty of anything at all, I think we would all lead much happier lives.

And there is my bit of wisdom for today.

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upchuck

:: 2005 8 September :: 12.21am
:: Music: "The Happy Song" - The Nixons

Damn Poo Flingers
Damn Poo Flingers

upchuck

:: 2005 7 September :: 10.45pm
:: Mood: chipper
:: Music: "Everything You Want" -Vertical Horizon

The possibility that people who don't really know me well enough could be reading this journal.
That thought never even crossed my mind until a few months ago. But I do have to accept the fact that this may be the case. Perhaps people who I desire to make a good impression on could be reading this through multiple sources, although the link I have on facebook is what I am most concerned about.

You see, one of the people I met on the canoe trip just added me as a friend. And since the canoe trip was affiliated with Campus Ministry, and since my recent entries have included some, how shall we say, seedy things, it is time to think about these things.
Liz thought she was seeing a different side of me and she was right. That is a completely different side of me that never popped it's ugly head up until last February. Do I like it? I'm not sure yet. Really it's become a socializing method for me. And for anyone that might be concerned, I have gotten drunk enough to do some stupid stuff, but I have stuck to my guns. I haven't drank to the point of sickness, don't want to.
But anyways, yeah, okay. I want people to see the first side of me. I don't want people to see the different side of me because that very rarely has been me (although I do have to admit that the people who have met me the first time on that side of me are not the type of people that I'm looking for anything deep with). Does this make any sense at all?
I'm not sure. But there is a little insecurity inside me saying, "you are a bad person for what you do." It's not because it's a bad thing, but because people think it is.

Okay, this is getting to sound way too much like an addict defending their addiction. And since none of you have actually seen me in the aforementioned state, it doesn't matter. Of course, this could all be a little story about a boy who is struggling with this and has absolutely no basis in reality. I've been known to make things up from time to time. Perhaps to teach you kiddies a lesson so you will mend your evil ways.

Speaking of kiddies. I don't think there is a single person left on my friends list, except my sister, who is still in high school.

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munkysaurus

:: 2005 6 September :: 3.07am

Dubayu Tee Ef...
Fuck. geh. What the fuck have I been doing! It's time to seize oppurtunity. No more procrastination.

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upchuck

:: 2005 6 September :: 7.12pm

You know, I post all these love entries, all these things that are so deep. But those don't get any response. BUt I post something like "hey I got drunk and did something stupid" and I get a response. heh.

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upchuck

:: 2005 5 September :: 10.36pm
:: Mood: good
:: Music: "The Remedy"- Jason Mraz

Drunk
So, perhaps I got drunk.
And perhaps I did something that I shouldn't be too proud of.
But for some reason it isn't affecting my the way I thought it would. Really, it's not anything serious, it's probably something that any natural human being could do and not look back on one bit. But you all know me, and you all know that I hold myself to ridculously high standards sometimes. And maybe this is my chance to be normal. I don't feel like I would think that I would typically. Perhaps it was because I was drunk and it is all so hazy, or perhaps I just don't care anymore.

Tomorrow should tell me if this has given me any confidenc boost. It should, it should really help me to get back into the swing of things.

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