*

:: 2004 26 May :: 8.09pm
:: Mood: tired

i think i slept alright last night.
yea, today was a long day. everyone kept asking me what was wrong. i guess that's a tough spot to be put into, when you care & you're curious, but knowing that when you ask "what's wrong?" or "are you okay?" that it's just going to trigger those little glands in their eyes. and of course, it didn't take that much some of the time today.

i'm gonna be okay, and it sucks knowing that and still crying... still feeling hurt. i feel like i'm trying to convince myself.. but i really do honestly know this. this isn't going to kill me, it's just going to give me insight into how i deal with relationships and what i need to change and look for more.

i just feel so alone right now. dustin's my best friend, and he'll be there for me.. but that's kinda rough, ya know? maybe having my wisdom teeth pulled will be a good thing. it'll give me a break away from work and the apartment and i'll relax.. in pain.. but i'll get to relax nonetheless.

i hope the doctor gives me lots of drugs.

crazygirl

:: 2004 25 May :: 8.14pm
:: Mood: ill

i'm so hungry, but i can't eat.
everytime i even look at food, my stomach aches. i think i might be coming down with something.

AND i have to get all of my wisdom teeth taken out the tuesday after i get back from michigan. i'm gonna be so poor. paying for the surgery and not working for a week! i'm glad i've saved my tax return money.

i'm so tired.
tomorrow is gonna be a long day.
i'm not looking forward to it at all.

jedibumblebee

:: 2004 25 May :: 5.20am

Rome got old kind of fast.
Florence is interesting, and I really think you're wrong about it smelling bad, Jason. I like it, but not the discotecquas, they are too crazy even for me.
I went swimming in the Mediterranean at a nudist beach, and I WAS NUDE. Isn't that cool as hell? I figure you only live once, why not do it in Italy?
It's going to be strange and actually pretty difficult to come back to Kalamazoo. I've made a lot of new friends and gone thru some crazy situations.
Venice is next, and then Paris, and then I come home on the fourth. So maybe I'll see some of you then.

2 | *

crazygirl

:: 2004 25 May :: 12.25am

throwing in the towel on relationship: check.

crazygirl

:: 2004 24 May :: 9.16pm
:: Mood: discouraged

i'm really ready to throw in the towel on everything. this is bull shit.

danibean

:: 2004 23 May :: 9.34pm
:: Mood: satisfied

i haven't talked to his mom in sooo long...she just picked up the phone and started talking to me. i loved it so much. and he wasn't even home. i can't wait to see him. it's such an amazing feeling when you know you're still madly in love with someone after not seeing them for 2 years. and i think his mom knows too. that's why she talked to me. she knows. he feels it too. ahh..happy day.

Upchuck

:: 2004 22 May :: 12.40am
:: Mood: pissed off
:: Music: "Crazy On You" Heart

You never know when you could explode
I just feel like do something. Anything to relieve this anger I feel. It's just anger, pure anger and I do not know what causes it. I'm pissed because I can't get a hold of KIM and I really wanted to spend time with her tonight. Then I'm pissed that the thoughts keep creeping in. It makes me angry and I know if I were to give into it I would scare myself. If I could only do something.

Upchuck

:: 2004 21 May :: 3.27pm
:: Mood: grumpy
:: Music: Michelle Branch and Santana "Game of Love"

Yesterday
I was grumpy yesterday, and I am today. For many reasons, none of them too important.

Things at work aren't going the way I'd like. I need a new job, but I just feel incapable of getting to a better one.

I've wanted to get the grass cut up at the lake, but the stupid rain. I didn't get to it until Monday this week, and then again today. I sat around all day yesterday waiting for it to dry out.

I wrote an article for the Post about the softball sweep of EGR Wednesday. We're doing good this season. I'm still mad about the rain. We were supposed to play Lowell last Friday, but had to rescedule for today, then cancel and reschedule for Monday. We're 17-10. All I know is that I'm going to cry when this season ends because it's been such a good one.

Things in a ceratin part of my life are going well. Well as I could guess they should be. She's hard to read, and with my pension for making a mountain out of a mole hill, things can get dicey. I can't help but wonder sometimes if previous relationships have irreversibly damaged me. Well, no, I can't help but wonder and worry anyways. Calm down, breathe. Everything will be okay. Breathe. Romance may not be my ticket, but who knows what the future holds.

jedibumblebee

:: 2004 19 May :: 1.18pm

Sorry I have had no time to email anyone, I was partying up in Switzerland...the most beautiful place on earth.

Also, Rome rocks.

1 | *

crazygirl

:: 2004 17 May :: 8.11pm
:: Mood: annoyed

i hate my bosses, i hate my co-workers, and i hate the majority of my customers. damn my love for being able to take care of myself.

Upchuck

:: 2004 14 May :: 4.04pm
:: Mood: pathetic
:: Music: "Keep On The Sunnyside" The White Family Hoedown

Falling
This is getting almost riduculous. You can all call me crodgy and horrible but I hate falling for someone. I hate seeing people who are in love and I hate doing it myself. Things just get weird, and you do stupid things. And you begin to worry about stupid stuff, like what if she reads this?

What I really mean is, is that it's great. Being stupid is great. No, that's not what I'm saying.

As much of a hopeless romantic that I tend to be I always find the act of falling for someone quite distasteful. I mean, nothing should have the power to pull you out of a bad mood instantly. It's getting almost comical for me though.

She wasn't even there today. Physically, she was not even close to me, but she was still able to brighten my day. It sucks! I like being in a bad mood. All I had to do was see her name when I put chili's on the stove today, and it was like an instantaneous smile. I swear, if someone had been with me in the cooler when I saw thos today they would have thought I was absolutely going insane. Well, they think that anyway, not much I can do about that I guess. It's just ridiculous. I wish there were a way just to skip this part of it all and get into the steady type.

Not to say I'm totally lost yet. I know I'm falling for her. While I'm not quite sure why I hate it so much, I don't think I would prefer something else. Whether I keep falling is another question. I haven't quite hit the point where I feel like I could say that too her, but if this keeps up then, it's going to happen.

crazygirl

:: 2004 14 May :: 1.55am
:: Mood: uncomfortable

hip hip hooray for the most awkward situation i could put myself in tonight

crazygirl

:: 2004 12 May :: 11.40pm
:: Mood: tired

i always think i have so much to say until i start to talk. it's so well worded, planned out, sincere, and meaningful inside my head.. but i never can get the words out

JediBumblebee

:: 2004 12 May :: 8.01am

Berlin smells like poop and everything is really depressing here.

6 | *

crazygirl

:: 2004 10 May :: 1.22am
:: Mood: tired

how'd it feel to open your eyes for the first time?

i think sometimes we hide just to be found, we keep secrets so they can be uncovered, and we tell lies so people see the truth.
i can't write in a normal journal anymore because i always write as if someone is going to find it one day... then i want them to know everything while at the same time, not really knowing me. there's so much to say and so much of it useless, while there's too little explanation and not enough recording and venting or whatever the use is for it at the time. not wanting to be negatively judged when it becomes ashes in a junkyard somewhere.

some words are just erased by time, but you can't judge their mortality.

i'm really tired.