*

:: 2004 6 January :: 4.34pm

note to self:

crashing the car is a really bad thing. yup. anyone want to give me rides everywhere? (granted i'm not grounded forever.)

grrrr. welcome back to school kids.

8 | *

jedibumblebee

:: 2004 5 January :: 11.49pm
:: Mood: nauseated
:: Music: Ben Kweller- Wicked Little Town

So when you've got no other choice, you know you can follow my voice through the dark turns and noise of this wicked little town...
SO a couple people have heard about my night on Saturday so I think I'll post a short rundown.
I get back from lunch at work, and my back really hurts and I have really bad cramps. So I realize that I left my purse in my car, and I don't have my good drugs (Aleve, its what I always take for just about everything). I ask Kristen if we have any Tylenol or anything at the desk....she says we have aspirin in the drawer. Aspirin, right? Everybody takes aspirin. Well, apparently, not me, or at least, not anymore.
I took two and we were so busy, I was just trying to ignore the fact that I felt kinda weird, just figured I was stressed out and running all over the place....I finally take a break at the desk and I realize that my throat is REALLY tight. Like, I can hardly breath and definitely can't swallow. So Dan (my manager) comes up and starts talking to me, he realizes that I am not listening and asks me whats going on....I'm like...I can't.....breath...
He has Kristen walk me to the break room and I'm just chillin out back there trying to catch my breath, kinda trying to talk to Matt and then I'm like hyperventilating and I start to black out and I fall off the stool and I'm sitting on the ground. Ross walks up and he's all concerned and I still cant breath and I'm not really there at all and I kept feeling like I was blacking out.
Ross calls the store manager over and he's like, should we call an ambulance? I'm like, no, dammit, I'm fine and stubborn...but I still cant breath and he's like, I'm gonna get someone to take you to the ER...
This guy Scott drove me there, he totally drove like a madman, and they admitted me right away and had to give me a big shot of Benadryl to bring down the swelling in my throat so I could breath again, plus a handful of Prednisone to get it out of my system, I guess.
So I was really messed up from all the drugs but I could breath again, so I was a happy girl. And I went home and stopped back at work first to tell everyone that I was alive (kindof, Benadryl in large doses kinda fucks you up) and I took my car back home (probably a bad idea but whats done is done).
I've had to stay on the Prednisone for a couple days to make sure I dont react again, and the stuff is really gross, it makes me so thirsty, my tummy hurts from it, and my mouth always tastes bad but I suppose it is better than no oxygen. So that is the story about Stefanie being allergic to ASPIRIN. Of all the stupid things.

2 | *

Upchuck

:: 2004 5 January :: 6.49pm
:: Mood: content

Tying up some loose ends and starting some new ones
So, I'm back to school. It feels good but I really forgot how much reading I should have to do. I cannot wait for it to get warmer outside. I hate the University for scheduling Spring Break starting in February. That may be spring in the Bahamas, but not in Michigan.

So my schedule is pretty simple, Monday, Wednesday, Friday, 9am-2pm straight thru. No breaks, just the normal ten minutes between classes. I've got three foreign professors. One Australian, one Southeast European, and on Finn. It's really odd how many people come to this west caost of the east from other places. I think I've only actually had one professor that is from West Michigan though. What does that say about our academic achievements? Not much I guess.

I watched the Democratic debates last night. Dean is clearly the front runner. Personally I'm kind of split up about the whole thing. Originally I was behind Kerry, but he kind of fell apart for some unknown reason. I definitely know which of the nine I am not considering: Sharpton, Kucinich, Moseley-Braun, Kerry, and Lieberman. So I guess that leaves Edwards, Dean, Clark, and Gephardt. I find Dean's tax plan a little hard to swallow. Edwards' is much more conservative and closes corporate loopholes. Gephardt intrigues me, but I'm not sure why.

I do know that through all these discussions and debates, some very serious questions have been raised in my head. Bush is my guy. Unless something unforseen happens, he will be the one I vote for come November, however, I am suspicious. I don't like No Child Left Behind. As an unfunded mandate it sucks. The federal government should not be telling the local schools how they should work. I don't like the Patriot Act. Not just a little of it either, I don't like the whole thing. I believe people should be free here. I don't like men dressed in trench coats going covert on American soil.

Well there is my rant. Politics and all. You should all really pay attention to that. This is your country too. Just because you are young doesn't mean you should be sidelined.

sugarpeep

:: 2004 3 January :: 10.16pm
:: Mood: lonely
:: Music: Eve six

Back From CA and hatin it


	I can't help it. I think this farie chick is hot. shrug It's the hair. Anyway. Posted two new pics on my web page. http://www.deviantart.com/deviation/4518620/ http://www.deviantart.com/view/4518545/ . Go see. They're from Seaworld. ;) It's safe for yall to guess that I went to California to see Ben. I had such a blast and I've been really sad recently because I miss being there with him. I'm a dumb girl.. I know. Anyway. We went to the zoo first off. Hung out at the ocean a lot. I caught a starfish on Christmas Eve. It was hard. Very fast, starfish. Right. Went to Seaworld as above mentioned. Had way too much fun. Got splashed by Shamu. Tried to hide in my coat. Didn't work. :) Also, we got to pet dolphins. That was awesome. I love dolphins. sigh So now I'm back at boring school. I have three bio classes this semester. Should be interesting. What else.. grumbleimissbengrumble cough enough stupid girl shit now. I'm being a hipocrit. grar.

1 | *

Upchuck

:: 2004 3 January :: 9.17pm
:: Mood: lethargic
:: Music: "Californication" Red Hot Chili Peppers

Crush
Well just to update. For the two of you who asked who my crush is, don't worry about it now. It's gone. I'm not sure what it is from my point of view. For the last few days I've been able to think about other things than her. I guess I'm disappointed, but I'm also glad. I'm glad that I don't have to feel like I'm hiding someting when I'm around her. I'm also glad that I can just act normal and not stress about the situation.

I have decided to do one thing though. Hopefully this all works out but I want to spend time talking to girls. Hopefully this will help me get over my fear of all you female type people out there. Once a week, not with the same person every week (at least for right now), to just to talk or cuddle. All interested apply below.

1 | *

crazygirl

:: 2004 3 January :: 1.59pm
:: Mood: chipper

build me an everlasting monument
build me the greatest instrument of destruction
oh, build me a reason to add to the reasons
destroy the earth
begin all the freezing
and destroy all the things that reside deep inside yourself...

build me the tallest stage
build me the saddest play
because we all live on lifeless strings
afraid of what tomorrow brings
oh but living in fear has become an essential way (to live)

oh but sometimes
you can see right through
the confessions
they are telling you

so build me a reason
build me a reason why...
build me a reason to test all the seasons
stand up to the winter
the dark and the freezing
say anything just to pass the time

jedibumblebee

:: 2004 1 January :: 11.49pm
:: Music: Outkast- Hey Ya

Don't wanna meet your daddy....just want you in my caddy....what's cooler than being cool? ICE COLD!
this about sums up my new years eve....

My baby don't mess around
Because she loves me so
And this I know fo shooo..
Uh, But does she really wanna
But can't stand to see me
Walk ou the dooo..
Don't try to fight the feelin'
Because the thought alone is killing me right nooww..
Uh, thank god for mom and dad
For sticking two together
'Cause we don't know hooowww...
UH!

Heeeyyy... Yaaaaaaa..
Heeyy Yaaaaaaaa..
Heeeyyy... Yaaaaaaa..
Heeyy Yaaaaaaaa..
Heeeyyy... Yaaaaaaa..
Heeyy Yaaaaaaaa..
Heeeyyy... Yaaaaaaa..
Heeyy Yaaaaaaaa..

You think you've got it
Ohh, you think you've go it
But got it just don't get it
Till' there's nothing at
AaaaaaaaAAAAAAAaaaaaaAAAAAAaaaaaallllll..
We've been together
Ohh, we've been together
But seperate's always better when there's feelings
InvooooooOOOOOOOoooooooOOOOOOooooooOOOOOlved
If what they say is ("Nothing is forever")
Then what makes, Then what makes, Then what makes
Then what makes, Then what makes LOOVVEEE?
(Love exception) So why you, why you
Why you, why you, why you are we so in denial
When we know we're not happy heeeerrreeee...
Y'all don't want me here you just wanna dance

Heeeyyy... Yaaaaaaa.. (OHH OH)
Heeyy Yaaaaaaaa.. (OHH OH)
Heeeyyy... Yaaaaaaa.. (Don't want to meet your daddy, OHH OH)
Heeyy Yaaaaaaaa.. (Just want you in my Caddy OHH OH)
Heeeyyy... Yaaaaaaa.. (OHH OH, don't want to meet yo' mama OHH OH)
Heeyy Yaaaaaaaa.. (Just wan't to make you cumma OHH OH)
Heeeyyy... Yaaaaaaa.. (I'm, OHH OH I'm, OHH OH)
Heeyy Yaaaaaaaa.. (I'm just being honest OHH OH, I'm just being honest)

Hey, alright now
Alright now fellas, (YEAH!)
Now what's cooler than bein' cool?
(ICE COLD!) I can't hear ya'
I say what's cooler than bein' cool?
(ICE COLD!) whooo...
Alright, alright, alright, alright
Alright, alright, alright, alright
Alright, alright, alright, alright
Alright, alright, Ok now ladies, (YEAH!)
And we gon' break this thing down in just a few seconds
Now don't have me break this thang down for nothin'
Now I wanna see y'all on y'all baddest behavior
Lend me suga', I am your neighbor ahh here we go!
Shake it, shake, shake it, shake it (OHH OH)
Shake it, shake it, shake, shake it, shake it, shake it (OHH OH)
Shake it, shake it like a Poloroid Picture, shake it, shake it
Shh you got to, shake it, shh shake it, shake it, got to shake it
(Shake it Suga') shake it like a Poloroid Picture

Heeeyyy... Yaaaaaaa.. (OHH OH)
Heeyy Yaaaaaaaa.. (OHH OH)
Heeeyyy... Yaaaaaaa.. (OHH OH)
Heeyy Yaaaaaaaa.. (Uh oh, Hey Ya)
Heeeyyy... Yaaaaaaa.. (OHH OH)
Heeyy Yaaaaaaaa.. (Uh, uh, OHH OH)
Heeeyyy... Yaaaaaaa.. (OHH OH)
Heeyy Yaaaaaaaa.. (OHH OH)

2 | *

Upchuck

:: 2004 1 January :: 12.06am
:: Mood: contemplative
:: Music: "Lightning Crash" - Live

2004
Well, it's 2004. Six minutes into the New Year. No resolutions for me this year. I had eleven last year, and I think I may have only kept one of them. Perhaps my recent longing has destroyed that one as well. I can't even get through six minutes without being pessimistic. I guess that is the nature of me.

I feel like criticizing something tonight. Dick Clark, an American Icon. "Times Square, the crossroads of the world." How egocentric. I find it quite amusing that EST is like seventh to the last to experience the new year, yet everyone makes like the year doesn't really start until it hits there. Not only would that have to make people around the world mad, but I would think that even the people on the West Coast would be mad that everything is focused on the East Coast. I'm just glad that I'm in the EST time zone.

I couldn't sleep last night. I laid in bed from 2am-7am and I couldn't fall asleep. Finally I got up and my mom made me some hot chocolate. Then I watched cartoons. Just like i was a little kid. I got some pajama pants for Christmas and they feel really good. So I watched cartoons and drank my hot chocolate. Then I went and got my pillows and blanket out of my room and i fell asleep on the couch. Finally, how I was able to sleep, was that I just relaxed. I was so tense and up tight. I guess because of what is going on at work. But I had to control my breathing. It's not like I hyperventalating, but I ws breathing shalow and I couldn't slow down the pace.

Well, Happy New Years Everyone. Hopefully you had somebody to hold tight to you and to kiss at midnight. Because I wish.

crazygirl

:: 2003 30 December :: 8.38pm
:: Mood: tired

i went to lunch and a movie today with lucy, maria, and laura. i think seeing a movie kind of put me in the mind set that it was more like 10pm when it was really only 3pm when the movie got out. the sun was still shining and i still had to go to work. =( boo. so i've been sleepy ever since i got here and i can't find anything to do except drink my caffeinated beverage. i just want to go home.

dustin is coming over tonight. kim's ex-boyfriend got the legal letters today stating that she is taking him to court, so she's a little nervous. having dustin over will make her feel better, though i'm not terribly sure i want to see him tonight. i'm all confused about dustin and it's starting to piss me off. i'm just going to back off for a while and see where that puts us--or him, rather. he just needs to see that i won't be lost without him. i know i've been kinda clingy, but i'm a fan of instant self-gratification. if i have a need or want, i like it to be dealt with ASAP. there's still a lot of emptiness left in me from my break up with billy, and having dustin with me helps me get through it. i'm over billy, but i guess i'm not really over being heart broken and unsettled. i'm not really close to anybody anymore. it's not that i call dustin a lot and beg him to see me.. usually he sets when he's going to come over. what bothers him is that i get sad when he leaves. i know it's stupid, but i just enjoy his company. even if we're just sitting there, reading our books next to each other, i like having him there.. holding me or kissing me every once in a while.. rubbing our feet together or whatever. it's not that i can't live without him, it's just that i want him with me. but he's getting all weird because he's scared of getting in too deep. he's so tragically sweet, but when we're around other people or when he's talking to other people about me, he likes to act like i really don't mean much to him. he talks about me more like an object or something, i don't know, maybe because it makes him feel better or stronger.. i don't know what he really wants, but i know i don't want to go through another relationship where i get treated like shit because the guy is confused, not even if i care about the guy as much as i do for dustin. no, thank you.

jedibumblebee

:: 2003 30 December :: 5.29pm

1) Using band names, spell out your name
S~Shins, The :)
T~Ted Leo and the Pharmacists
E~Eels
F~Failure
A~Air
N~Neko Case
I~Iron and Wine
E~Elliott Smith (R.I.P)

2) Have you ever had a song written about you? a few, none that were too pleasant...

3) What song makes you cry?
The Cult- Painted on My Heart
Billy Joel- Piano Man
Modest Mouse- Here it Comes
Grandaddy- Summer Here Kids
Counting Crows- Anna Begins

4) What song makes you happy?
Modest Mouse- Paper Thin Walls
Ben Kweller- Cally
Electric Light Orchestra- Mr. Blue Sky
The Beatles- Got to Get You Into My Life

5) What do you like to listen to before bed?
Fiona Apple

2 | *

Upchuck

:: 2003 30 December :: 5.09pm
:: Mood: discontent
:: Music: "Heaven" - Live

To update
Well I've been recently reminded of several things. One most importantly is the fact that this is used by many people to keep in touch with me. Of course, if you are out there you never say anything.

Another thing I've been reminded of is how lonely I am.

Yet another is how much guilt I have. Th majority of that guilt revolves around my faith. Many of you out there know about my faith and my conviction, and many of you don't. That's why I feel guilty. For those of you who do know how I feel, and think that because of that I don't struggle, I do. This is one of those times. I lied to my sister when I told her I didn't know how to help her. The way I made it through high school was my faith. Of course, that also let me down. Because of what was going on when it was my time to be a leader in my school, I felt too guilty to accept it. Because of a relationship I didn't feel like I could accept that responsibility.

Every once in awhile I get glimpses of how life could be different. I feel like there is something more out there. Right now society seems like it's in a holding pattern. The 60's, 70's, 80's, all had definitions. We came off the eighties in which the "Me" Generation exerted itself.What can we term the 90's, and what about our youth, what will we be. I'd like to think that we as a collective group are bound for something more, something great. I'd like to feel that way, I'd like it to be that way, but who knows if it will be. I've just been racking my brain because there is so many things that can be done. So many things wrong with the status quo. We could be different, and I really don't want to feel guilty about that too.

plainmornings

:: 2003 30 December :: 4.00pm

being 18 rocks.

i'm slowly becoming addicted to scratch off lotto tickets. Poor, Very Poor.

been working like cray-z but gregory works con me so its all gravy.

saw mona lisa smile, i liked much. saw elf con sr. Selinsky, that was fun.

still have 80bazillion people to see and soooo little time :0(

Ms. Jennifer slept over last night, we talked till almost 5 (and i work up at like 2)

ummmm saw my favorite Soy guy & talked Vonnegut (whitney i have to show you the post)

ummmm saw Big Ben & his crazy MIT friends.

Dennys for some raw chicken.

leaving on Jan 1st sooooooo everyone has to hang out before then!

oh yeah... heidi, alex & dom came to visit yesterday <3

crazygirl

:: 2003 27 December :: 10.25am
:: Mood: tired

cranberry pills for all.

so it's been a good week. i only worked one day, besides today. but i get paid for two other days too. and after how pathetic last week's paycheck was from me being in florida, next week's check is going to look very nice. this amused me though. my gross pay for my 8 hours of vacation time last week was $114.08. and my net pay was $65.69. that's $48.39 of total deductions from my measly paycheck. whew, i put too much money away.

christmas was nice. i opened presents with kim and her kids, then headed out to my ex-boyfriend's family get-together, and then to my boyfriend's house, and then back to kim's for a party. then yesterday, dustin and i went to my favorite restaurant and then took his little sister to see the lord of the rings. it doesn't sound like a lot, but i am so tired. i was lucky to wake up in time for work today after falling asleep after i turned off my alarm clock this morning.

i want to go grocery shopping.

1 | *

jedibumblebee

:: 2003 26 December :: 11.28pm
:: Mood: contemplative

I just came up with the mother of all new year's resolutions.

I normally don't make them, or if I do, it's as a joke (ex. kiss as many guys as possible...) but this is seriously something that will rock out.

Unfortunatly, part of the catch is that I can't tell anyone what it is that I'm doing.

2 | *

Upchuck

:: 2003 26 December :: 10.31pm
:: Mood: blank
:: Music: "Frantic"- Metallica

Crush
Today you crushed me
Without even knowing it
Setting me free
Knowing that it would never fit

I somehow turned a 6.5 hour shift today into a 10 hour shift. Of course that entailed my driving to Big Rapids. What better to get paid for than to drive because someone was too stupid to order enough of something.

I just bought this CD today. I think it's awesome. After what happened, if you couldn't tell, I needed to some anger relief. What better way to do it than to embrace the lyrics of Metallica on their new Album St. Anger? But it in stores today. No, really, I got it at Rite Aid. Except for the fact that all the f***'s and sh**'s are bleeped out, guess it isn't too bad. OF course I could never stand something like, oh, Everlast being edited. Mostly because he puts the best vocal harmonies on the words they would choose to edit out. Like in "What It's Like" if you've ever heard the unedited version, the word whore in the verse "she gets some static walkin' through the door, they call her a sinner, they call her a whore." There is an awesome vocal harmony on that word.

I feel like there will come a day when I need to confront myself and be honest about my life. I guess we all make choices and I have made mine, but it does feel isolated sometimes.

I especially like this new Metallica album because of the title track, St. Anger. He repeats the verse "I'm madly in anger with you." I completely understand that. I've been in anger with someone before. It's deeper than love. It is so far gone from love, and twisted. It's almost evil, evil love. Love that doesn't deserve to exist, and yet it holds on more than love itself.

I didn't realize that it would affect me quite this much. I honestly thought that there might be something there. I never even considered, even though I should have. She mentioned him, and it's a weight of a thousand pounds of feathers. Or a ball of wax that I was trying so hard to shape as it dripped down onto the roof of the cavern. Knowing full well that I couldn't control exactly where every bead of melting wax went, but confident that I could fashion it a way to my advantage. And with those two little words, is it one, or is it hyphenated? I'm not sure. This beautiful mold that I worked so hard for. I labored in my mind for hours upon end. Just trying to orchestrate everything just right. Trying to make that figure something her and I could both enjoy. Then with that one little phrase, it was released from it's hanging point. That one solitary grip that it had, that kept the despair from me, it let go. All I could do is watch it. Watch it fall to the floor of the cave, and shatter in a million pieces.